Last Of The Single Ladies: How I Looked Around & All My Friends Were Married

13 Comments
July 10, 2013 ‐ By Dee Rene

black-woman-dancing-2

Out of nowhere I was the only one. I was the only one on the dance floor giving it my ALL and flaunting my empty ring finger (per the video) to Beyonce’s Single Ladies. I looked around and all my friends could no longer join me. Their ring fingers were occupied and a sad thought crossed my mind as I took down my hands from the “this is my jam” pose – am I the last of the Single Ladies?

It seemed like only yesterday we were reciting the same single woman struggle about not finding a good man or keeping one. Having good girlfriends as an adult is like living out the Babysitter’s Club but with wine. You feel like an invincible army clinging to each other for support and refuge.  And yet one by one they’d started to drop off.  Saturdays became date nights and Sundays for meeting the family. We’d long since retired our need for partying every weekend, but now even the times spent at the kitchen table eating carbs and discussing blog articles were few and far in between. I have multiple groups of friends like any adult and I would still argue 98% of my closest friends are taken, married, engaged or pregnant. Friends that were already busy are now filling in their free time with falling in love.

And then there’s me.

There’s a meme floating around that says “Everyone is discussing babies and marriage, I’m just over here like I LOVE cake.” It is incredibly appropriate. I understood just how sure my status as the last single friend was when I found myself on a Saturday “doing me.” Which really means I was on Youtube for 5 hours learning how to ombre, marble nail art, and turn a tshirt into a necklace. When all your friends are out falling in love, you pretty much have to find new hobbies. I’ve started at least 2 new workout plans and I may or may not know the choreography to Body Party like the back of my hand. Myself and I have gone on several movie dates and fancy dinners. I won’t even mention how many new natural hair styles I’ve tried. I found myself on the devil known as Facebook and had a mini meltdown.

I remember when we’d all been stuck in loving and losing. And now they’d loved and won. Yet somehow I missed that memo. I love my friends. I am happy for my friends. But was I jealous of my friends?

There’s an old episode of Girlfriends where Joan breaks down during Toni’s wedding. She could no longer hide that while happy for her friend, she was incredibly depressed about her own love life (or lack thereof). I feel her pain. It’s not jealousy that makes you congratulate another engagement and sigh a bit on the inside. I can be incredibly happy for you and consciously unsatisfied about my own love life.

As the last single woman you begin to wonder – when is my turn? I don’t want their happiness. I know they deserve joy given how many times I’ve held their hand when it’s gone wrong. I just want my own happy ending and it’s sometimes difficult to embrace the fact that chapter hasn’t started in my book yet. I’ve got enough sticky note empowerment quotes on my mirror to remind me that what is for me is for me and love will come someday. I guess no one ever mentioned how far away someday could feel.

Before the thoughts of being the cat lady consume me, I meet up with friends and hear tales of dirty diapers, bills, and discuss the difference between vanilla and mother-of-pearl colored napkins. When I hear the married/relationship struggles I remember this single life isn’t all bad. When I decide to get up and chop off my hair and move to Peru there’s nobody stopping me. No other feelings or schedules to consider. No fear that my dream may be compromised for the sake of his or the children. No, I get to live this life until the wheels fall off and maybe just maybe crash into love along the way. For now, I learn to congratulate my friends and sigh a little less on the inside. I breathe a sigh of relief and remember the grass isn’t always greener. Every stage of our life has new challenges and it’s important not to miss where you are thinking too hard about where you want to be.

In the meantime I thrust and shake my hips to the beat in my living room. When Queen Bey calls for all the single ladies I’ll be right there in line for now. Hands raised and waving like I’m on stage. Even if I’m the only one.

Dee Rene is the writer and creator of Laugh.Cry.Cuss. (relaunching August 1, 2013), a faith based blog that finds valuable lessons in pop culture and every day life. She is based in NYC. You can follow her or the blog on twitter @deerene_lcc @laughcrycuss or visit the site at http://laughcrycuss.com

 

 

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  • Tyra

    I ♥ this. To be honest, I really needed to hear/read something that reassured me that I was gonna be okay. Everyone in my circle is a Mom, Wife or aspiring to get “The RING” & I’m in school & working hard silently longing to be paid attention I feel left out & looked over. I’ve stated to myself, “You have so much too offer. But, all my prayers & affirmations go unnoticed.” So to read something such as this, means to continue to embrace what I own @ the time & whenever it’s supposed to happen it will!

    ~Ty♡

  • Bitter

    Yeah until ur 40 fat alone and childless. The wine bottle As ur date gets old. you have money a house the cat and still You are miserable. What then?

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  • SexNdaCity

    This is one of the best articles I’ve read on this site. Very great insight. I definitely needed to read this because this is pretty much how I’ve been feeling. I’m almost 30 and it seems like all of my friends are now married w/or without kids, or they’re all in relationships. It sucks. Just trying to be patient though and hope my turn comes along.

  • Peaches

    This has to be one of the best articles written on this site. Ms Dee Rene, you have quite the gift of written word there.

  • Tdots finest

    This is my life right now. I do desire marriage and children but I really do want a husband that will not quit on our marriage. Since watching the whole Fatherless children show with Oprah I now have a deeper conviction that I dont want to raise my children on my own. My husband and I should do it together in a loving and safe environment for our children all under the same roof.

  • Haa Haa

    Marriage is a serious commitment and not for everybody. Nobody should settle for someone you know isn’t right just to say you have a spouse. If you wear a size 10 shoe, are you going to buy a size 8 because you like that style but they don’t have your size? You have to find someone who will deal with your flaws while you deal with theirs. I don’t want kids and everybody said I would never find a man without any who doesn’t want any but I did.

    • WHOISBSQUARED?

      ……………..AND HOW U DO THAT? UR BLESSED TO HAVE HIM IN UR LIFE…………..IM A LIL JEALOUS………….. CUZ I SAY THE SAME ISH TO MY MOMZ, SHE ALREADY KNOW SHE POSSIBLY ISNT GONNA BE A GRANDMOTHER, N SHE’S COOL ABOUT THAT……….TWO UPS TO MOMZ LOL

  • Desha

    Well one has to think there are many factors involved to get to marriage stage. Not everyone on the face of this planet will marry. You have to find someone u luv and who luvs u back, willing to work together in all aspects of a marriage. Don’t forget some married folks settled just to be labeled married

  • Miss D

    I’m in an LTR and slowly becoming the last of my unmarried friends. Sometimes I do admit feeling left out, but I realized that marriage doesn’t automatically equal having your life together. Much better to figure out who you are and what you want before getting married.

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    I’ve learned to stop worrying about everybody else and just focus on how can I use this single hood time to improve myself and do the things I want to do before a marriage and kids become a priority to the things I want to do for myself . . .

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    I’ve learned to stop worrying about everybody else and just focus on how can I use this single hood time to improve myself and do the things I want to do before a marriage and kids become a priority to the things I want to do for myself . . .

  • kayla

    This is exactly how Ive been feeling Im glad I read this…that last line hit home though “Every stage of our life has new challenges and it’s important not to miss where you are thinking too hard about where you want to be.”