The Mating Game: Has Monogamy Become Abnormal And A Thing Of The Past?

June 29, 2013 ‐ By Brooke Dean

I love watching the NBA Draft. While some women couldn’t care less who the new up and coming super stars of the NBA are, I’m always thrilled to watch young men go up on stage and receive their new team jerseys with their names embroidered on the back. I’m even more thrilled to see their proud parents, girlfriends and for some, their children, applaud in excitement to see a young man fulfilling his dreams.

During their first two seasons or so, I watch to see which one of these young men learn the lessons of those who came before them: are they managing their newly acquired fame and money well? Did they marry their college or high school sweethearts, or are they wisely waiting until they’re a bit more mature and ready and have been in the league for a while? After all, if they weren’t used to it before, then all the new and fierce competition from women (gold-diggers) vying for their attention will have their heads spinning.

However, many men feel that having a wife grounds them or, at the very least, makes them look good. Whether having someone to display as eye candy or someone to actually hold them down, many men get married too soon for the wrong reasons or before they’re ready to settle down. Some get married knowing they don’t plan on staying faithful, which begs the question: If you’re going to cheat, why get married?

Now to be fair, not every person who cheats sets out to cheat. I’m sure a good number of folks who get married are completely in love and believe in forever-after with that one special person. But then things happen – boredom, complacency, children, finances, or whatever – and it takes a toll on a relationship. Some people cheat because they’re lacking something in their relationship. Some do it because they want to feel desired, challenged or simply because they want sexual variety. None of these are justifiable excuses, but simply a reason for infidelity.

But there are those who know they can’t be faithful, yet get married or find themselves in committed relationships anyway. The celebrities might be in a worse situation because most know that with money and power come greater temptation. If they’ve mastered their field – whether it be entertainment or something else that’s allowed them to gain major recognition – their level of arrogance and the desire to have it all presupposes that getting caught or suffering consequences isn’t high on their radar. Celebs and athletes are used to winning.

Then someone gets hurt.

What’s next is shelling out millions of dollars to make her stay, or pay out more to keep the rest quiet…allegedly.

So is it worth it? Why get married? That’s the question. Or better yet, the REAL question could be, “Is monogamy normal?”

There is nothing that tells us that we need to get married. There’s no crime in being single even though some would treat it that way. Are we still expected to get married? Is that what society tells us we should do?

I mean, if your religion tells you you should get married in order to have sex or gain favor with God, maybe that’s one thing. If so, then adultery likely falls into the “what not to do” category unless your beliefs tell you polygamy is cool. But for most, adultery is a sin and you’re supposed to be stronger than nature and fight the temptations of the flesh.

But for those who may not be religious, and who believe that monogamy isn’t natural, why do those people get married? Why form permanent relationships, or label them that way? I know some guys who always have a “girlfriend.” They can’t wait to introduce you to “wifey.” Yet, they always cheat on their girlfriends and have a girl on the side. Why have a girlfriend? Why not just date multiple women?

Most of them say they love their “girl” but just have the other women for sex.  These men would throw themselves in front of bus if their main chick or wife ever found out about their cheating ways but they do it anyway. It’s something I will probably never understand.

If you believe that monogamy isn’t natural, don’t be selfish by having someone believe you’re in a committed relationship. There is nothing wrong with not having to answer to anyone. There’s nothing wrong with going out, spotting someone you want to hook up with for the night, have non-committal sex and keep it moving. When you’re single, you can keep your options open, change your mind, find a new flavor of the week and avoid the emotional turmoil of breaking someone’s heart. If you have substantial assets to protect, remaining single could help you avoid the financial devastation of having to pay to keep her…or lose her. If you’re a person who doesn’t believe in monogamy, there’s nothing wrong with that.

But some people do.

Just like there’s nothing wrong with NOT believing in monogamy, there are a bunch of people who like the security of monogamy – especially when there are incurable diseases out there that can kill you.

Some say married people are happier, healthier and wealthier. Some like the emotional and physical intimacy that comes with monogamous relationships. They like the warm fuzzy feeling they get from knowing someone who loves them is at home waiting for them to come through the door. They like having someone to call when they need someone to talk to, to cuddle with, or to just be there. It’s a high level of commitment that forms a family of two – or more should you decide to have children.

If you find that you’re with a person who believes in those things, then the expectation is that you believe in those things too if you’re together. So if you don’t believe in being faithful – or you do but know in your heart that you can’t live up to that expectation – be honest with the other person. It’s one thing if you falter and make a mistake – these things do “happen.” But if you get into a relationship knowing you can’t be faithful, even when your partner expects you to, set that person free to be with someone who CAN be faithful. It’s the most loving, selfless thing you can do.

Society tells us we should be “coupled up,” live our lives in “pairs.” That’s not always true. Some thrive as a team while others do best solo. We shouldn’t force anyone into relationships nor should we feel forced into one or made to feel lonely if we aren’t in one. Love can still exist in our lives, even individually, unmarried. The key is being honest…with yourself and with those who you bring into your life.

Trust me, it won’t be hard to find someone out there who’s cool with just hooking up…especially if you were just drafted into the NBA.


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  • more

    if woman would stop calling other woman “homewreckers” and hold there men accountable maybe men would think twice smh!

  • Gizzle

    People who know they can’t be faithful get married to a) have children b) for stability/status/perks. In the pro athlete example above, I think these types want children and want a stable environment for those children where they have some say/control/direct contact with the kids. Granted, they can go out and have multiple baby mommas (as many do), but I think for them that is not ideal in terms of the amount of time spent with the kids, having a say in their upbringing etc. Plus, in today’s digital and social media world, the baby mommas get perks or TV shows/fame for causing more drama. So, the guys that know they are cheaters marry the long-time GF or whoever to ‘placate’ her and it’s understood that they’ll have kids together and he’ll keep doing what he does. She knows he’s a cheater and always will be, but she gets the ring and the status of the ‘wife’ title. For athletes, they have a better image if they’re married–a more All-American image–which brings in big endorsements like McDonalds etc (ex. Kobe Bryant). I think it can go both ways for men/women; a woman who’s a cheater can get married for the same reasons. Everyone wants to do what’s best “for the kids” but really it’s so they can have the kids and control their upbringing instead of letting the baby momma/daddy control it –that’s someone they have no control over (they’re not married to); yet still do what they want (sleep around since the spouse knows they’re a cheater). That’s my opinion why. Selfishness. Want their cake and to eat it too.

  • Nope

    I wonder how many of the commenters are the ones that also say “let a man b a man” or that “men are hunters”. Welp, here’s the other side of your own argument.

  • clwa0303

    It is very possible to love more than one person and build a family that way. People always want to bring the bible into polygsmy/monogamy issue. Polygamy was very much practiced in biblical times and not considered out of the norm or wrong. We are a normal loving family just like any other family. Our children are normal happy children!

    • Dragon Senait

      Maybe that works for your family. But in most of modern world, a bunch of women sharing a man is a recipe for DISASTER. I’ve heard the stories of the backbiting, the poisoning of each other kids, the plots to take each other’s inheritance. All which occured in african polygamist groups. No thanks. Sounds like too much drama to me.

      • clwa0303

        Actually in most of the world monogamy is the minority. The point is no polygamous marriages are not for everyone as well as everything else in the world is not for everyone. And that perfectly fine. Its up to you and your partner to define what works for your relationship and your family not society. Obviously there are just as many negatives as were listed above to monogamous relationships.

        • “actually in most of the world monogamy is the minority.” That’s a d*mn lie.

          • clwa0303

            No its not……

    • guest

      do u want polygamy legalized like the gays did for their brand of marriage? just curious.

      • clwa0303

        It really makes no different if its legalized or not because truthfully we don’t need the federal government to validate our relationship. The only blessing we need is from the MOST HIGH. Marriage means different things to different people to be honest whether you’re gay, straight, monogamous, or polygamous. We all know people who get married just to say they are, money, because they’re bored, feel like they’re just are supposed to, to have a wedding whatever. Not many people enter anymore because they genuinely feel it was connected by the MOST HIGH and that unfortunate but it is what it is. But no one should be condemned for something just because others wouldn’t do it or don’t understand. Regardless of how one morally feels about gay marriage legally they have a right to do as they wish in that matter

    • Stoning someone to death all up in the street was also practiced in the biblical times. As was old men marrying 12 year olds.

      • clwa0303

        Very true. I made that comment for those whole like to reference the bible when its relevant for them. Like I said, in other parts of my comments if you read them was, its up to you and your partner to decide what works for your family and one should not be condemned for how they choose to live especially when it does not harm or affect someone else who’s completely not involved in the relationship. Our commitment is between each other.

    • Stoning someone to death all up in the street was also practiced in the biblical times. As was old men marrying 12 year olds.

  • Haa Haa

    I know everyone is not monogamous, but be honest with the people you involve yourself with. It is better to get that out of the way early on than to keep that to yourself and let someone get hurt later. I abstained from relationships for 6 full years after dealing with a cheater. I am married now and he knows if he cheats, he will be gone from my life. If you are in a relationship and your feelings change, tell the person and if it can’t be resolved break up and do what you want to do. Celebrities and athletes egos are often so big, a person would have to be naive to expect loyalty for the most part. I would have no problem whatsoever being alone for the rest of my life if my only options were being alone or being with someone who is sleeping around.

    • more

      Lets be real very few men are going to be honest in that regard. Woman need to stop being emotional and start paying attentions to the signs.

  • enoughsaid99

    Marriage was created as a security blanket for women, and the children.They were not working outside the home, and they put up with their husbands, or wives cheating. Fast forward today, and cheating is out in the open, they even have websites for people who want a fling outside of their marriage. However, men and women need to always protect themselves with having safe sex, because of the many diseases one can catch. Black women really need to be careful due to the limited mates they have to choose from, and the HIV rate for them is 1 in 35, and 1 in 130 for white women.

  • sabrina

    “I mean, if your religion tells you you should get married in order to have sex or gain favor with God, maybe that’s one thing.”

    Girlllll this hurt my heart. When it comes to true Christianity, no one is “telling” us what we should and shouldn’t do. We live according to the Spirit, and not the institution, so we’re not bound by man’s rules, but rather God’s wants. We don’t get married because we’re told to do that. Yes, it’s discussed in the Bible, but we’re not forced to do that. We simply want to do it that way. And in doing so, we’re not gaining favor with God. You ALREADY have favor with God once you accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour and BELIEVE that in your heart. That’s all you need. From there, you’ll start WANTING to live by God’s standards, and not the world’s standards.

    “But for most, adultery is a sin and you’re supposed to be stronger than nature and fight the temptations of the flesh.”

    None of us can battle against the flesh in our own will and succeed. We can try all we want ‘to be stronger than nature and fight the temptation of the flesh’, but we won’t win. However, that’s what the Holy Spirit is for. “Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit.” (Zechariah 4:6) This is what lives inside of us true Christians and it doesn’t allow our flesh to rule us. Living a celibate lifestyle is so much easier and doable because of it. Lust doesn’t overpower us. We don’t yearn to be with other people once we do have a God-given mate because our spirit yearns for that person and that person only. And I’m not only saying this stuff, I’m truly living it. Many are living it and can vouch for me as well. So don’t think that it’s impossible, because it isn’t!

    I used to live according to the world, and all these ill-sentiments and confusion and uncertainty concerning pretty much anything sure makes life seem hopeless, and like it’s not even worth living. This post just illustrates this fact further. If you’ve gotten to the point where you just want to give up on life, you feel like all you see and hear is negativity about EVERYTHING, I’m telling you — there’s hope for you in the name of Jesus! He definitely came and changed my whole life and attitude around (cause trust, I was up in these MN streets at one point talking about how men are trifling and believing that there aren’t any good men out there too!) He can do just the same for you, real talk 🙂

    • Dragon Senait

      Couldn’t have said it better. Monogamy is definitely for me. I see it as a beautiful thing. It’s very natural for me. But then again, I don’t live by the “world’s ” standards either.

    • Dragon Senait

      Couldn’t have said it better. Monogamy is definitely for me. I see it as a beautiful thing. It’s very natural for me. But then again, I don’t live by the “world’s ” standards either.

    • Dragon Senait

      People act like monogamy is so bad. Well, i’ve seen so many lives ruined from all this free sex out here. Is giving yourself to any old body any better? Is spreading and catching diseases a fun party? Is anything productive coming out of all this casual sex out here except fatherless kids and broken homes? People really do need to adjust their attitudes about relations. Relations is not to be had with just anybody. It’s a deep connection that shouldn’t be taken for granted. These careless attitudes are ruining lives jeopardizing peoples health. Smh.

      • chanela

        thank you! people swear like it’s the end of the world if you aren’t having sex with everybody. smh also, marriage is the devil on black geared websites. smh

    • kaf

      You hun, are an amazing testament of God living in your heart and how he can change the life with his love and grace

      • sabrina

        Awww thank you!! 🙂 Praiiiiise Him!

  • It’s simple, marriage has nothing to do with monogamy… Some people have the desire to have more than one partner, and some have the desire to be with one person for the rest of their life. One is not better than the other… It’s just how life is..

    • kaf

      “Thats just how life is”???

      No, that how you Choose to live, its not a card dealt to you. Anyone who says something like that, is only making an excuse to behave in a manner that could hurt someones heart. its selfish and uncaring and a serious problem if that is the approach taken. For some odd reason in this day and age the integrity and standards of what a relationship and a marriage should be has disappeared based on self pleasure/indulgence and thats upsetting that we live in a time when people are only thinking of them selves and thats all.

      • Herm Cain

        Hey life is short why should I be miserable to fulfill your fairy tale one might call it selfish but those are the same ones when you get raped for alimony or child support that’ll say he should’ve never got married the reality for men is single life is 100 times better and this is coming from someone in a relationship

        • kaf

          Single life is good yes, but if your going to be in a relationship do right by it, and not every fantasy you have needs to be lived out, the amount of strife and confusion that could come from it its not worth it, lets call this a double edged sword. you may feel good for the mean time but the consequence is dire. And no Im not the one to say those things you have assumed.

        • NTM

          @ Herm – I have to say, you’re 100% correct! Sad but true. I too am in a relationship but I don’t think marriage is a necessity. My ONLY desire for marriage is to have kids. Other than that, I have NO use for it and it’s my personal choice. I am a woman and I agree with your sentiments that single life is 100x better, hands down!!!

      • Humans have always been in between monogamy & polygamy, you can’t dispute nature just because it doesn’t align with your fantasies. In other words anyone who doesn’t keep the same mate for the rest of their life is selfish and uncaring. The only reason you feel the way you do is because society tells us that we must conform to this idealistic idea of marriage and family, and any feelings of jealousy, betrayal.. etc.. are all learned behaviors..

        • kaf

          “In other words anyone who doesn’t keep the same mate for the rest of their life is selfish and uncaring”

          This is not what i was saying, and when its comes to marriage i don’t go by what the world does, if i do that ill end up like everyone else…. DIVORCED! I go by God as he is the one who has created marriage, it is not man made as may people claim it to be or act like it is. Society is the last place i would get any advice about relationship or marriage from. Being with more than one person while in a marriage or relationship is not apart of nature, once again you have chosen it to be part of your life. marriage is suppose to be between MAN AND A WOMAN not between MEN and Women

          • Marriage IS man-made.. Humans have been pair bonding since pre-history way before Christianity came along. Christians just hijacked it and made their own rules.. Marriage has taken many forms throughout history Some polygamous or polyandrous, all of which occurs in the natural world, which by definition makes it natural…

            • clwa0303


        • guest

          Jealousy is not a learned behavior. Some people are just more jealous than others. I didn’t even want other kids around my parents when I was younger. They had to condition me NOT to be jealous.

  • Nikia D-Shiznit

    ” If you’re going to cheat, why get married?”

    Selfishness, egotism, sense of entitlement.