I Wanna Be Down…The Problem With Sacrificing Your Own Comfort (And Interests) To Keep Your Man Happy

June 20, 2013  |  


If you tuned in for an early episode of Oxygen’s Find Me My Man, you may have caught the familiar face of Angela “Myammee” Pitts who was once a contestant on the VH1 favorite, Flavor of Love.  Angela clearly wanted a thug and made sure she participated in the activities of the rough and rugged to attract one, like making it rain in the strip club and going to the bar to tune in into the latest playoff game.  Now I’m not saying there aren’t women who legitimately enjoy things that guys typically do, but I hate to see women work so hard to appear down for the cause when they’re actually only sacrificing their own comfort just to get a man.

It’s one thing if you actually know Lebron James’s free throw percentage or can lose a day playing Halo, but your relationship shouldn’t be a research project.  Be authentic. I get annoyed when I see women perpetrating how much they love the strip club or buying the local Modell’s out with team paraphenalia in an effort to be both their man’s homie and lover.  I know people like to subscribe to the popular cliché that the best relationships start off between friends, but I’m sorry, I don’t want to be my man’s “boy.”

I believe that the best relationships are comfortably balanced between platonic and purely sexual.  I don’t want to fart in front of my man and laugh like it’s the funniest thing since a Kevin Hart special.  I don’t want to be known as that girl who can drink the whole crew under the table or is cool with casual sex when I know damn well I want a commitment.  Maybe it’s just me, but I need  relationship roles that are clearly defined.  That doesn’t mean you have to ban him from the booty bar or throw a fit every time he wants to have a night with the guys, but you don’t have to go running for your stack of singles so you can make it rain beside your man either, especially if you know in your heart you’re just not into it, but just want to keep your man happy.

It reminds me of this bar my sister said she would go to sometimes for happy hour. Most of the year it would be dead and she would go there, along with some faithful football fans, to show their love for the Philadelphia Eagles whether they were flying high or crashing and fumbling. But once they were on a winning streak, no woman within an eight-mile radius was going to pass on going hard in the green paint. As the bar began to fill with men, the women followed, even if they thought a running back was some kind of remix to the MC Hammer dance. There they were, fairweather fans decked out in their Eagles gear, but more concerned with keeping a man than keeping score.

I’ll be honest: Football bores the hell out of me. And while I don’t necessarily care about my man making it rain in the club, you’ll probably catch me under an umbrella. Taking turns making strippers twerk for tips isn’t exactly my idea of romance. It’s funny to me when friends tell me, “But the tricks are impressive,” to which I reply, “Cirque du Soleil ain’t half bad either. Plus an added bonus: No stripper sweat and drink minimums.”

Long gone are the middle school days of pretending you really liked basketball, when all you wanted to do is see your lanky big-headed boyfriend run up and down the court.  Any man worth having will like you for you, even if that means you would rather give yourself a pedicure and watch LMN (Lifetime Movie Network) than pick out car parts.  Be mindful of what you’re looking to attract.  I’m not saying all men want a girl whose main priorities are bubblegum lip gloss and Yorkie pups, but there’s no need for you to commit Miami Heat stats to memory if you really don’t want to; he has friends for that.  It’s one thing to take an active interest in each other’s lives, but trust me, men will still like you without you having to go out of your way to be the “down girlfriend.”  Kudos to the ladies who are truly about that life, but if you’re frauding it up, the only one you’re hurting is yourself.  You don’t have to force yourself to be uncomfortable to find or keep a man. Being “one of the boys” is overrated.  Feminists everywhere will give me the side-eye, but sometimes what a man really wants is someone who smells good and has soft hands, and hopefully he’ll have a girlfriend for that.

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a  passion for helping  young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health.  She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.  

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  • Soothsayer

    I am so agreeing with this article. I try to tell my cousin and a few friends that I am so tired of people telling us what we need to do to get and keep a man ie, pretend you like sports and fishing, into cars, video games). I watch sports but am by no means a “fan”. I know and understand the games (all of them), but I will not sit and watch football all day just so I can hang out with my man. Let his boys do that. I will catch one with you, but it will not be a marathon. What a man should be getting is the best you, not your best representative. It’s okay if you don’t like the things he’s into. Ultimately, the real you will show up and you’re going to express to him how you’re tired of it and being treated like one of the guys. My cousin doesn’t even watch tv–I mean she doesn’t even have cable because she doesn’t watch tv. But this is the same person who will sit up and complain about how she had to pretend she enjoyed watching marathon Law & Order with a guy.

    You have the right to be you and he has the right to be him. We are individuals for a reason. Too many people fall into this whole “we have so much in common” crap!!! Why on earth people feel like they have to like ALL the same things to be compatible puzzles my mind.

  • Jaz

    Good post. Single women today are in a battle. Unfortunately, pop culture teaches us to be everything but what we were biologically designed to be. It’s no longer okay for women to be meek and reserved (today, those characteristics hold negative connotations). It’s no longer attractive for women to present themselves in an authentic (real hair, nails and butt) fashion. The lack of male influence in the lives of many young men have led to this mindset that women are to be more like men and less like women. On another blog, a few weeks ago, a male writer raved about Amber Rose and the reasons why men loved her (her openness to strip clubs and weed-smoking). Sadly, that is how quality is defined today. Women, in their attempt to fit in, find themselves trading their feminine gifts for the homeboy-type acceptance. There are very few men looking for women with feminine qualities and very few women looking for men with masculine qualities (go figure). Perhaps, same-sex marriage should solve this mystery. lol

  • soso

    I saw Myammee and she is a very
    pretty girl. Very versatile IMO like the
    kind of hood girl that if she switches it up she can catch her a good man.

    The fact that she was looking past
    her nice guy date to watch the game was really really rude but she was just
    treating him like she had been treated in the past or even currently by some
    hood man.

    She basically clowned the cutest guy
    there, the one I liked the most anyway because he liked to wear colors, I thought
    that was soo lame.

    Her playing basketball was cute but
    she doesn’t have to make that her persona 24/7.

    Guess I needed to read this article.
    Because I was starting to feel some sort of way. I had a guy outright ask me if I watch
    football knowing that I liked him and that he was into football, I was just
    like no. He looked surprised, maybe he
    was used to women just being like yea, I love it.

    I do have a fascination with
    strippers and but definitely don’t let guys know about that lol. I want to go to the strip club but can’t see
    myself there every weekend.

    I see where Myamee is coming from
    though, some guys (like my ex) if you aren’t into what they are into, they will
    throw it in your face that another woman was into it, and try to shame you.

    But don’t a lot of rough guys like
    dainty girls, the opposites attract theme still holds true with a lot of men.

    Men also need to show some interest
    in what I am interested in too, like adventure sports, theatre, indy films to
    get me to even think about watching the game.
    And please let me look like myself.
    Don’t expect me to wear a redskins jersey and some sweats cuz that’s not

    It was sort of sad watching Myamee
    turn into the guys that were treating her poorly.

    • sheena

      This is way too long.

    • sheena

      This is way too long.