Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Is It Ever OK To Ask Your Wife To Have An Abortion?

32 comments
June 12, 2013 ‐ By

champ213

Hey Damon,

Don’t know if you watch Love and Hip Hop ATL but the latest episode really bothered me. Recently, Kirk and Rasheeda, who have been married for 13 years, recently got pregnant unexpectedly. The couple were already having marital and financial problems and Kirk didn’t feel like it was a good time for them to have a child.

During the episode, Kirk asks Rasheeda to get an abortion and then tells her when she has the baby he’ll want a blood test.

So my question is, is it ever appropriate to ask your wife to have an abortion? Why or why not and how do you go about getting a blood test once the baby is born.

Asking About Abortion

Dear Asking,

I have never willingly watched Love and Hip-Hop, Basketball Wives, or any other reality show featuring the extremely well-coiffed concubines of middle-aged Black men with paragraph-long Wiki pages. I don’t know exactly why I’ve never gotten into them, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I have a private part. But, if my girlfriend is watching and I happen to be in the same room, I might pay attention for a couple minutes or so, and I might even…

Ok. Who am I kidding? I have to come clean. Yes, I have willingly watched each of those shows. Have I seen every episode? No. But, I can’t pretend that I don’t know exactly who Mimi and Steebie and Mandeceseseses are either. I could also lie and say that my occupation demands that I watch so I can keep up with what’s culturally relevant, but while (half) true, that’s misleading. I watch for the same reasons everyone else watches: to talk to other people about watching it, and to learn life lessons from Lil Scrappy.

Anyway, back to your question. If there was ever a sign that “Hey, we definitely don’t need to be married anymore” it’s when you question whether the baby growing inside of your pregnant wife belongs to you. Forget about whether Kirk even has a legitimate reason to ask and who is “right” or “wrong” in this situation. If a marriage ever gets to a point where there’s any question whatsoever about whether you’re the father of your pregnant wife’s child, it needs to end. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who you don’t trust. And, the fact that he’d even think to ask her that shows he doesn’t trust her. Unfortunately, whether Rasheeda is being truthful doesn’t matter. At this point, the only option is to take a paternity test. And, regardless of the result, see a divorce lawyer the next day.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

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  • Valencia

    It’s been said that this was a “storyline” created for them to be more relevant on the show. If that is the case, this is a VERY disrespectful way to present yourself on TV. Their unborn child will have video footage of this when he/she gets older and they will see, if this is true, that their dad didn’t want them in the first place. How foul can you be?

  • GirlSixx

    Cleary KIRK is very upset that his wife is pregnant — I mean yeah there are some married couples who ended up with more kids than they bargained for and they deal with it, but this display of disappointment/hostility that KIRK has tells me there is something way more deeper going on in their marriage besides the fact she is pregnant at a bad time – if you are a married couple and having s.ex without any protection (she goes off the pill, he using condoms sparingly) getting pregnant is bound to happen sooner or later this is why I couldn’t understand that dumbfounded look on KIRK’s face when she told him she was pregnant. o__O

    Something in the Milk Ain’t Clean…..

  • DTJ

    I was JUST telling my friend this after church on Sunday. *short story* She was telling me how her friend got pregnant and the husband was like “when the baby comes out, get tested.” He involved his entire family on the speculation of infidelity and, in turn, they ridiculed her. Well, said husband has a unique/distinct look and AT BIRTH that child looked just like him. Then *extreme eye roll* his family in there all “ooohh my grandbaby” like nothing ever happened. The FAWK!!!! The divorce papers would have been signed ASAP

    • hollyw

      Wow. That is grotesque. Idk what the standard for the couple’s privacy was before the pregnancy, but that would’ve been such an extreme violation to have my husband’s family involved like that. I wouldn’t automatically say divorce, but the man would be homeless.

  • Clark Toni

    That episode of Love Hip Hop left a bad taste in my mouth. Poor Rasheedah I felt sorry for her. What kind of Husband would ask you to abort their baby. Run you can do much better he is setting a bad example. Black people already be stereotype and it is said that our men don’t take care of their children. He let America and future child see exactly what type of hood rat he really is. What a dog he is and I literally mean that.

  • hollyw

    Daaag…I mean, Damon didn’t even say “…or seek counseling” lol smh. It is a rather serious turn in a marriage, however.

  • Pivyque

    I don’t see anything wrong with asking your wife to have an abortion. If you don’t feel the relationship is where it needs to be to add a child in the mix or if you simply do not want a baby, then ask away. The way he asked may have been rude (I don’t know, I don’t watch the show), but asking in general is never wrong.

    • Herm Cain

      Ok I thought I was crazy personally that’s why I’m not an advocate of marriage as a man does marriage mean you have no say in life altering decisions I don’t agree about the way he’s going about it but is it a crime to be married and not want a kid and ask for an abortion or when she decides to be sneaky and stop using birth control is he obligated to deal with the consequences she created and if so why tf should any man get married

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        Unprotected sex with your wife, girlfriend, booty call, ex always comes with the risk of pregnancy. It would seem crazy to me that a man his age with like 5 kids wouldn’t consider this when he’s busting one raw. I dunno that just doesn’t make any sense to me.

        • Pivyque

          That is true, but of she was on some sort of birth control and told him that he didn’t need to use a condom, then pregnancy isn’t going to cross his mind. I do think they should have discussed the possibility and how they would deal with it since birth control isn’t 100% tho.

          • hollyw

            She told him when she stopped taking pills month’s prior, and he said, verbatim, “…but we been using condoms and I’ve been pulling out, so I don’t know what she talkin bout…”

            ^case-in-point^
            The ignorance of this man goes far beyond this pregnancy. He has a number of kids from before the marriage, so that’s why he didn’t want this one, though they have none together, I don’t think.

            • Pivyque

              Oh, ok! Well, that’s just sad.

          • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

            From what I understand she never led him to believe she was on any BC. Does that change your stance even a little?

            • Pivyque

              Well, it doesn’t change my stance that it’s ok to ask for an abortion, but for his situation, yes. It does make me feel like they were both being irresponsible for not making sure they were on the same page about kids, especially him for not wearing a condom every time.

              • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

                Yes if you are having marital problems why she would stop taking BC and why he would continue to sleep with her knowing she isn’t on BC begs a good answer.

                But then again these people are actors and to get pregnant was probably a construct to give them a plot this season.

                • Pivyque

                  Hmmm…true, it does have everyone talking about them!

      • hollyw

        What’s wrong with it is the context. If a couple decided to have no more children, or like you said, she was “sneaky” and stopped birth control ( which neither applies in the current situation) , then the discussion bares having. If not, it’s extremely insensitive, unsupportive, and only shows your complete lack of accountability and responsibility as a husband and father.

        • Pivyque

          To me, it shows a miscommunication in the marriage. They should be on the same page about whether or not they want any/anymore children. So, if pregnancy occurs, they are on the same page about how to handle it.

      • Pivyque

        Absolutely not! Bringing a child into the mix, no matter how many have already been made, is important to discuss and agree on. I don’t know how he is going about it because I don’t watch the show, but if her birth control failed, the discussion on whether or not to continue the pregnancy should have been the first thing discussed. My husband and I have already had the discussion about what would happen if our birth control were to fail.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      It would seem he would start using protection if he didn’t want to be a father again. Married or not married. But to have unprotected sex with your wife and then tell her to abort the baby seems . . . . I dunno irresponsible on his part.

      • Pivyque

        Well, it’s irresponsible on both parts. If they aren’t on the same page about having more kids, it is both of their faults for not clearly communicating that. If she was on birth control, why would he feel the need to use a condom? I do agree that he probably should have used one to be sure, but most of my married friends look at me crazy when I tell them that I still make my husband use condoms. It seems that once someone is married, condoms are naturally put out of the equation and some other form of birth control is relied on.

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          Condoms is one thing. But why not a vasectomy? Do you know if she ever led him to believe she was on BC? Furthermore I can guarantee you he never said, “I do not want anymore kids if you get pregnant you better get an abortion.” I say he is more irresponsible because clearly she is ready to handle the consequences of having unprotected sex. He is not.

          • Pivyque

            Yeah, most men have these crazy misconceptions about a vasectomy, so I can understand his hesitance. The reason I say it is irresponsible on both parts is because they should have discussed this already. She may be able to handle the consequences, but that is still bringing a child into an unhealthy environment. He doesn’t want the kid. If she has it, they stay married and his mind doesn’t change, that isn’t fair to the child. He becomes more irresponsible if he doesn’t take care of the child once it arrives, but for now, (IMO) they are both at fault.

            • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

              They are both at fault. No arguments here on that tip.

    • Candacey Doris

      But asking and ordering are two different things. Also it should be something a couple decides on together. No man should just come out and say ” baby, i need you to get an abortion” and no woman should come out and tell her man that she’s having one. Especially when you’re married.Contraception and family building is a two person activity when you’re with someone but especially when you’re married. if he wanted no kids he should have had a conversation with her and then a vasectomy (they’re reversible) or asked her to stay on birth control. The man has several kids already so it seems to me like taking responsibility for where his genes go is not one of his priorities.

      • Pivyque

        Like I said, I don’t know how he went about it because I don’t watch it. I am only answering the question. I don’t think it is wrong to ask if that is how you really feel. You are 100% correct. They should have discussed it and taken care to make sure it didn’t happen, but it seems that they didn’t. So, now they are in the situation they are in. Was he aware that she got off of birth control?

        • Candacey Doris

          I hope so. If not then she’s in the wrong then. The way i feel is that these days there are so many types of birth control (preventative and retroactive) that there is no reason for a person (who has any type of freedom) to have an unwanted baby.

          • Pivyque

            I agree with you, but if they weren’t on the same page about adding to their family, she may not have given thought to taking plan b or staying on birth control. I just don’t understand why she got off. It seems like she was trying to get pregnant without discussing it with him, but that’s just how it comes off because I don’t know what’s going on.

            • Candacey Doris

              You all will have to see how it goes and enlighten me. I gave up on watching this show but i still know what’s going on because of this site xD

              • Pivyque

                Lol I have never watched the show. I have read a few articles, but I only came to this article because of the title.

                • Candacey Doris

                  So we’ll have to wait for everyone else to get all outraged over what happens next. Cool.

  • Lyn

    I don’t think he asked her if the baby was hers because he doesn’t trust her, he asked because he wanted to hurt her as much as possible. Then to ask your WIFE to get an abortion is to say the least dickless, yea he lacks one, he is a complete b&^ch for that one.

    It is very unfortunate for Rasheedah because she never blew and he probably never wanted her to judging by the way he is acting.