Ask A Very Smart Brotha: I’m Concerned About The Other Woman

11 comments
May 29, 2013 ‐ By
Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

I have been married for 12 years. About two years ago I found out that my husband had an affair. Since then we have decided to work on our relationship and repair our marriage. However, what still concerns me regarding my husband is the emotional connection he had with this other female. She and I had an extended conversation were she admitted her love and desire for my husband. To be honest I feel bad for her. Yes she had an affair with a married man but a broken heart is abroken heart. What I want my husband to realize is the negative impact that he made not only in our lives, but in this other women’s also. Am I asking or expecting to much?

Sincerely,

Mistress on My Mind

Dear Mistress on My Mind,

Wow. Your husband needs to thank God every night for allowing him to marry such a caring, compassionate, and forgiving woman. I know there are people who’d consider a woman taking back a cheating man to be weak or a pushover, but if you trust that it was a one-time thing, the type of strength it takes to move on from that and legitimately forgive is rare.

With that being said, I do wonder why you feel the need to have your husband “realize the negative effect” of breaking the heart of the woman who almost ended your marriage. If you’ve made the mutual decision to repair your relationship, I’m sure this decision has come with the realization that he effed up and needs to make amends. And, while your concern for your husband’s mistress is commendable, I wonder if your concern is about her or if you just want your husband to feel worse about what he did. If it’s the latter, you haven’t actually forgave him yet, and maybe the relationship repairs aren’t going as well as you think they are. 

You’ve been put in an unenviable position by actions made by your husband and your mistress—actions that were completely out of your control. Now, by attempting to forgive and focus on your marriage, you’ve asserted control. Keep that control by keeping the focus on your marriage—the relationship between you and your husband—and not your husband’s mistress. As I stated earlier, it’s commendable that you’re even able to harbor any type of positive thoughts or feelings about her. But, learn from your husband’s mistake. He almost ended your marriage by bringing another person in the picture. Don’t ruin the reconciliation by bringing her back. 

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.

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  • Leilue

    I believe that the wife is clearly trying to establish an understanding with her husband in regards to not only how his actions effect others but also being curious as to his acknowledgement in understanding how in the midst of others being effected, that it puts even more strain of their marriage and effects the two of them even more (aka karma) since they are officially an item.

    I have seen situations play out in which women, despite having had an affair with married men and understanding what is at stake, have taken to seek revenge in some sort of way (getting pregnant on purpose or just plain ol’ acting crazy) as a result of damaged feelings. I agree with Damon in that it is what it is and that her concern does not change the past however, it still does not stop the other person involved from wondering about the details of the situation in its entirety and how their ignorance to such may lead to a unsuspected “crash and burn”.

  • Pingback: Ask A Very Smart Brotha: “I Want My Husband To Know He Broke His Mistress’s Heart” | Very Smart Brothas

  • bigdede

    Is this real? Why did she even have a conversation with the other woman? Also it was 2 year ago, why is she still even thinking about this woman?

  • hollyw

    *whew!* that’s deep. I agree w/ Damon, on the surface, the wife sees herself as the all-compassionate person, but may not realize that this is just another hoop she’s trying to make her husband jump through, a test to pass, to ‘earn’ her back. Granted, I can see the theoretical msg in needing to know that your husband feels the full weight of his actions, against not just your family, but this other woman, but…yeah, unless you want him going back to “make amends” personally w/ her, I’d just advise to keep ya mouth shut and keep it pushin. Lbvs.

  • hollyw

    *whew!* that’s deep. I agree w/ Damon, on the surface, the wife sees herself as the all-compassionate person, but may not realize that this is just another hoop she’s trying to make her husband jump through, a test to pass, to ‘earn’ her back. Granted, I can see the theoretical msg in needing to know that your husband feels the full weight of his actions, against not just your family, but this other woman, but…yeah, unless you want him going back to “make amends” personally w/ her, I’d just advise to keep ya mouth shut and keep it pushin. Lbvs.

  • Diane Whauloknat Bridges

    FOH! Lol.. Lucky she and him are not harmed! Can you say STOOPID

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    Yeah who gives a sh*t if she got her heartbroken. Shoulda done like Nene said and kept her legs closed to married men.

  • Candacey Doris

    Agree 100%. She has to move on with her life and the two of you need to do the same. You can’t do that if you’re pushing her feelings onto him.

  • kierah

    Let the other woman lean her girlfriends (or the next woman’s husband) and just tend your own garden for now.

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