Seek And Ye Shall Find! When Snooping Is Considered Justified, Insecure Or Just Crazy

13 comments
May 26, 2013 ‐ By Brooke Dean

We’ve all been there. Your man gets up to use the bathroom and he leaves his cell behind. He’s been acting a little suspect lately and you have your suspicions. A text message beeps its way onto his cell screen. This could be your chance to discover what’s really going on. What do you do? Do you ask who the text is from upfront or do you just…SNOOP?

It’s tempting to look and most of us are curious when it comes to our partner’s private lives, especially if he or she isn’t open about their emotions and we’re feeling insecure. Nowadays, there are so many ways to snoop that tempt us: cell phone text messages, IMs, call logs, social media and voice-mail hacking, email messages that you can even mark “unread” after you’ve opened them and the list goes on and on.

What, if anything, stops you?

Respect, trust and intimacy – that’s what should stop you. These are all crucial to a healthy relationship. But sometimes, it’s hard to suppress our wish to know everything about our sweetie while respecting each other’s right to personal space and privacy. The funny thing is, trust and intimacy can create the perfect snooping environment – like being left alone in your partner’s place. He trusts you.  Are you willing to jeopardize that aspects of your relationship? You should also think about how you’d feel if you discovered your partner had been going through your things. Would you care? Be offended? Think about that before you decide to cross that line.

Now some people don’t think of it as invading someone’s privacy if they have a “feeling.” You know, that gut instinct telling you something’s not right. Is it then your intuition that made you intrude and does that make it okay? What if you accept that going through his phone is an invasion of privacy but you strongly suspect your partner of cheating? You want concrete evidence (because they’re not telling you the truth), so is snooping a justified way to back up what your sixth sense is telling you?

Some men and women have no problem letting their partner know that they went through their phone, read their emails and that they don’t trust them. If you’re willing to out yourself and confront him or her about what you find, then be prepared for the flip (meaning he may be guilty, but so are YOU for going through his or her stuff) and the possibility of being called crazy and losing your relationsship. Also, as the snooper, you need to have a plan in place (whether that be to end the relationship yourself or something else) once you get the confirmation you needed. If you’re not going to take action, then why bother snooping in the first place?

Also, if your gut is telling you something is wrong, chances are you’re right and you probably don’t need the proof. But if there really is no “gut feeling” and you’re just an insecure person by nature because of trust issues you’ve had in past relationships, you should seek help. If you snoop for no good reason, your insecurities will ensure that you’ll find something you wished you hadn’t – whether it’s really “evidence” or not. Even if the discovery is relatively harmless, it can still hurt because your mind can and will play tricks on you. That text from a girl could be his cousin but because you already think he’s cheating on you, you’ll jump to conclusions and get your feelings hurt. Snooping isn’t worth your peace of mind…it’ll just make you crazy – and it’ll show in your behavior. Insecurity is not attractive.

And keep in mind, sometimes, your lack of trust will be reciprocated by your man/woman because they’ll assume that the reason you don’t trust him or her is because you’re guilty of something yourself. Most liars and cheaters are paranoid by nature…because they’re doing dirt themselves. .

If you are a serial snooper, you may be going through your significant other’s things as a way of avoiding real communication and a discussion about trust. When you are first tempted to rummage through everything, use it as a warning sign in your relationship and ask yourself some questions:

Do I trust him/her?
Do I feel safe with him/her?
Do I tell him/her about my feelings of insecurity?

A discussion of these issues with your partner or with a close friend can remove the need to snoop. If you’re too nervous to raise any these issues because you’re afraid your partner will react negatively, it’s likely that you are putting off the inevitable for fear of facing the truth and ending a relationship. Be brave – ask yourself the questions and be honest about the answers. There’s nothing wrong with putting your concerns out there and simply talking it through. A lot of times the confusion comes when you don’t know where you stand with someone or the relationship doesn’t seem to have a “label” on it. Snooping through someone’s stuff may seem like a solution to finding out all of your partner’s secrets, but it’ll only satisfy your immediate need and it’s a short-term solution. Once you start snooping, even after all has been laid out on the table, it’s hard to stop – and you’ll always be focused on what you FIND rather than addressing the real issue of trust in the relationship. Don’t make yourself and your partner crazy – communicate more so you can feel insecure less.

But if you just have to snoop and the urge overwhelms you and you find yourself rummaging in places you shouldn’t, make sure it’s worth all the aggravation. If you find what you “need,” use it and move on so that you conscience is clear. If you’re not ready to do that, stop trying to figure out the password to his computer or phone. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

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  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    If you snoop be ready to find exactly what it is you’re looking for. Meaning if you don’t plan on leaving his a** if you do find out he’s dipping his toe in other pools don’t do it. why in the heck are you looking for drama if you aren’t going to act on it? Yes I’m looking at my homegirl Tasha.

  • just sayn

    I trust going into a relationship, but I too can get a gut feeling and I will first ask and if that answer does not support the evidence then yes, I will certainly do some investigative work. One thing I don’t believe in is lying! If I feel your lying to me then for my own self preservation, I will make things right by finding out if your telling me the the truth. especially if boundaries were discussed and implemented before we engaged in a relationship. If I am being honest and forthright, I expect the same. Matter of fact, I did get this gut feeling one weekend, so I looked in his phone and low and behold I was correct, this man was calling me baby by text but the next text he was calling another women baby, when I confronted him. he had the nerve to say, “I call everyone baby”. Well, that’s not good enough for me. He must of thought I was desperate or an idiot. And Ladies, that’s the short version of the story, there were other things in his phone as well that were unacceptable! Nuff Said! If any of you want more info I have an email you can contact, that I set up for women who want to chat about CHEATERS and on how to protect yourself…Contact at Blisslouise50@gmail.com.

  • FromUR2UB

    Some people are just nosy and snoop because the opportunity presents itself, like people who look in your medicine cabinet when they use your restroom. I used to snoop on an ex-husband ( There were no mobile phones in those days. I used to go through his pockets ). We had mirrored closet doors, and I caught a glimpse of myself crouching on the floor digging though his clothes. I didn’t like the way that looked. We later divorced, and I have never snooped again after that, even though I’ve had plenty of opportunities. I wouldn’t want my guy going through my purse, so I don’t check his phone or wallet.

  • Pivyque

    If I want to look at his phone, I will ask. If he wants to look through mine, he will ask. Let me catch my husband snooping through my stuff and we will have a problem. lol I’m just not with all that. If you don’t trust me, don’t be with me.

  • Bianca

    Snooping is bad. If you do not pay the phone bill, you have no right to look through someone’s phone. I don’t care what kind of suspicions or feelings you have. IF you have such suspicions that would cause you to suspect your man is cheating, LEAVE or put him on the back burner and deal with someone else or other guys. The same way I wouldn’t want a guy going through my phone, I wouldn’t go through his–’cause he would surely get cussed the f—k out! lol
    Also, I’m not saying I condone cheating lying men, but I feel you should not have to stoop to that level. It looks desperate. How hard is it to move on? You do not have to ‘confirm’ such suspicions through snooping, as “what’s done in the dark will always come to the light”.

    • http://twitter.com/SeikoIsKING Seiko

      No what looks desperate is hiring private detectives or calling cheaters. Looking through a phone that is blowing up off the hook isn’t desperate, Its wanting to know why this man is so popular at 4:00 on a Sunday Morning when he DOESN’T have to go into til Monday at 8 am

  • SunshineBlossom

    Lets be real about something, it’s not always insecurity that drives us to snoop. Like some of the other women have said, if you ask them, of course they’re gonna say NO! No man (unless he’s feeling extremely guilty or you have him a position) will honestly tell you “yes, I did sleep with her on this and that day.” When std’s and other stuff comes into play, there are no rules against that. We have a right to protect ourselves (I’m not condoning to do it just because however). I also see it like this, if I am doing right by him and have no problem showing him my phone and stuff, then if he has nothing to hide it should be the same.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Before all that snooping goes down you need to ask yourself why you are sharing your body with someone you don’t trust.

  • http://twitter.com/SeikoIsKING Seiko

    If your phone is going off all willy nilly while you’re with me and I am suppose to be your woman? You’re cotton pickin’ right I’m lookin’! I want to know whose so much more important that I am at this present moment while you’re sitting across from me at this nice fancy eatery!

  • Don’t try it

    I hate that saying. If there’s Nothing to find, no matter how hard you look, you won’t find. Period. Look and you’ll find is a cop-out! If I feel something is going on I ask first. If I still feel like something is wrong I look at the phone in front of them. That has saved me from getting a incurable std.

  • TRUTH IS

    Snoop…if he has nothing to hide, it won’t be a biggie. If you find nothing, breathe a sigh of relief and continue your relationship

  • Gaby

    When is ignorance ever bliss? Looking the other way because you have a slight suspicion but do not want to wreck you relationship? Ask him knowing that if it is true the person will lie. Mmm
    Ignorance or looking the other way could get you an STD or HIV. Why are STDS AND HIV so rampant bewteen married couples? Food for thought.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

    I’m not a serial snooper, but when I have a feeling, I look through the phone. Let’s be real: if you suspect your mate of cheating and you ask them, they will lie. It’s not a “you were looking for something and found it” situation. It shouldn’t be there IN THE FIRST PLACE, right? I had a gut feeling, and my snooping confirmed my bad feeling.

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