Seek And Ye Shall Find! When Snooping Is Considered Justified, Insecure Or Just Crazy

May 26, 2013  |  

We’ve all been there. Your man gets up to use the bathroom and he leaves his cell behind. He’s been acting a little suspect lately and you have your suspicions. A text message beeps its way onto his cell screen. This could be your chance to discover what’s really going on. What do you do? Do you ask who the text is from upfront or do you just…SNOOP?

It’s tempting to look and most of us are curious when it comes to our partner’s private lives, especially if he or she isn’t open about their emotions and we’re feeling insecure. Nowadays, there are so many ways to snoop that tempt us: cell phone text messages, IMs, call logs, social media and voice-mail hacking, email messages that you can even mark “unread” after you’ve opened them and the list goes on and on.

What, if anything, stops you?

Respect, trust and intimacy – that’s what should stop you. These are all crucial to a healthy relationship. But sometimes, it’s hard to suppress our wish to know everything about our sweetie while respecting each other’s right to personal space and privacy. The funny thing is, trust and intimacy can create the perfect snooping environment – like being left alone in your partner’s place. He trusts you.  Are you willing to jeopardize that aspects of your relationship? You should also think about how you’d feel if you discovered your partner had been going through your things. Would you care? Be offended? Think about that before you decide to cross that line.

Now some people don’t think of it as invading someone’s privacy if they have a “feeling.” You know, that gut instinct telling you something’s not right. Is it then your intuition that made you intrude and does that make it okay? What if you accept that going through his phone is an invasion of privacy but you strongly suspect your partner of cheating? You want concrete evidence (because they’re not telling you the truth), so is snooping a justified way to back up what your sixth sense is telling you?

Some men and women have no problem letting their partner know that they went through their phone, read their emails and that they don’t trust them. If you’re willing to out yourself and confront him or her about what you find, then be prepared for the flip (meaning he may be guilty, but so are YOU for going through his or her stuff) and the possibility of being called crazy and losing your relationsship. Also, as the snooper, you need to have a plan in place (whether that be to end the relationship yourself or something else) once you get the confirmation you needed. If you’re not going to take action, then why bother snooping in the first place?

Also, if your gut is telling you something is wrong, chances are you’re right and you probably don’t need the proof. But if there really is no “gut feeling” and you’re just an insecure person by nature because of trust issues you’ve had in past relationships, you should seek help. If you snoop for no good reason, your insecurities will ensure that you’ll find something you wished you hadn’t – whether it’s really “evidence” or not. Even if the discovery is relatively harmless, it can still hurt because your mind can and will play tricks on you. That text from a girl could be his cousin but because you already think he’s cheating on you, you’ll jump to conclusions and get your feelings hurt. Snooping isn’t worth your peace of mind…it’ll just make you crazy – and it’ll show in your behavior. Insecurity is not attractive.

And keep in mind, sometimes, your lack of trust will be reciprocated by your man/woman because they’ll assume that the reason you don’t trust him or her is because you’re guilty of something yourself. Most liars and cheaters are paranoid by nature…because they’re doing dirt themselves. .

If you are a serial snooper, you may be going through your significant other’s things as a way of avoiding real communication and a discussion about trust. When you are first tempted to rummage through everything, use it as a warning sign in your relationship and ask yourself some questions:

Do I trust him/her?
Do I feel safe with him/her?
Do I tell him/her about my feelings of insecurity?

A discussion of these issues with your partner or with a close friend can remove the need to snoop. If you’re too nervous to raise any these issues because you’re afraid your partner will react negatively, it’s likely that you are putting off the inevitable for fear of facing the truth and ending a relationship. Be brave – ask yourself the questions and be honest about the answers. There’s nothing wrong with putting your concerns out there and simply talking it through. A lot of times the confusion comes when you don’t know where you stand with someone or the relationship doesn’t seem to have a “label” on it. Snooping through someone’s stuff may seem like a solution to finding out all of your partner’s secrets, but it’ll only satisfy your immediate need and it’s a short-term solution. Once you start snooping, even after all has been laid out on the table, it’s hard to stop – and you’ll always be focused on what you FIND rather than addressing the real issue of trust in the relationship. Don’t make yourself and your partner crazy – communicate more so you can feel insecure less.

But if you just have to snoop and the urge overwhelms you and you find yourself rummaging in places you shouldn’t, make sure it’s worth all the aggravation. If you find what you “need,” use it and move on so that you conscience is clear. If you’re not ready to do that, stop trying to figure out the password to his computer or phone. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

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