Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Why Don’t The Smart, Successful Men Date Black Women?

May 22, 2013  |  

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Whitney: Since becoming a single mommy I’ve started to attract a lot of men and I’m unsure why they seemed to pop out of the woodworks once my daughter was born and her father stopped acting right. Is this normal?

DY: Who knows? Attraction is funny like that. Everyone has gone through a stretch where, for whatever reason, they were receiving more interest than they usually do. Sometimes it’s just coincidence, and other times it’s something as simple as changing a perfume or feeling more confident.

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Karmen: How come some men expect women to sit like a duck and wait on them. However, if you moved on instead, why run from out of nowhere to try to grasp my attention when knowing you were given numerous chances?

DY: When a man does that, it’s usually a sign that he wasn’t that interested in you in the first place. He just wants you to be interested in him.

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Natasha: I catch a lot of flack from my friends because I don’t consider a man to be a good man just because he’s faithful! Am I wrong???

DY: I think you need some new friends

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Faren: In your opinion do you think that parents should only date other parents? I only ask because I’m finding it harder & harder to find a man in my age range who doesn’t have kids but more importantly who doesn’t have a “ratchet” relationship with his child’s mother irregardless of the child’s age.

DY: No. And, I think you need to find some new places to meet men.

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Petagaye: The last time I brought up that I went through my dude’s phone and found things he shouldn’t be doing. Well, I talked to him about it and surprisingly he didn’t deny it he in fact apologized. My issue now is he has put a lock on one phone and his other phone he start signing out his Facebook page, something he didn’t use to do. So now I feel he apologized but hasn’t changed. He also told me he wants to get married. This was before I started going through his phone but he keeps saying he’s scared because he doesn’t want to go through what his ex girlfriend and ex wife did to him so I’m annoyed I’m getting blamed for their unfaithfulness. I do understand why he’s scared because I went through the same with my ex husband so now I don’t know how to work this out.

DY: If neither of you trust each other, perhaps this relationship isn’t worth “working out.” Nothing about what you’ve told me screams “we should be together” let alone “we should be married.”

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Griselda: I recently started dating again after my 9 year relationship. But for some reason I loose interest fast or I just don’t pursue anything. My ex husband cheated on me Various times I stayed single for 2 years. Should I stay single longer? It just feels like my heart is still in the last relationship or maybe I’m too scared of the pain. How can I avoid running from every man that tries to talk to me?

DY: I don’t see a problem with staying single longer. There’s no “law” that says “any woman not currently in a relationship needs to be pursuing one.”

Also, have you considered seeing a therapist?

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Cindy: What should a girl do if her guy shuts down during conflict and becomes non-communicative? Leave him alone? For how long? Once you start talking again, not bring up the conflict? Not pursue him at all and let him come back to you when he’s ready?

DY: Tell him that the silent treatment is childish, and will not work if you two want to continue together.

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Jonelle: Is it ok to date different people if I’m not looking for a relationship and after how many dates should you consider sleeping with someone?..(not looking for a relationship)

DY: It’s not just “okay” to date different people, I encourage it. And, sleep with someone when you feel completely comfortable sleeping with them. Doesn’t matter if that takes three dates or 33.

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Yahne: Why are smart single successful brothas so rare in California? And if you do manage to spot one, he rarely dates black women.

DY: Because, in comparison to the rest of the population, smart, single, and successful people (men and women) are rare everywhere. So, states with lower percentages of Black people are going to have lower percentages, and since Cali is only 7% Black, this isn’t a big mystery. As far as “the few single men not being interested in Black women” I think you’re allowing confirmation bias to cloud your judgment.

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Danette: How do you give a hard working man (as in- single father, 2jobs & a night shift) a chance when it appears he doesn’t have time to really court a woman? He is very nice, he calls a lot & I have been to his home so I don’t think there’s another woman, am I getting played or should I be more flexible w/my courting standards?

DY: I usually don’t suggest that women be more flexible about certain things—I actually usually advise that women be less flexible—but in this case, if he’s proven so far to be a stand-up guy, I think you should relax your standards a bit. Not completely, but enough to give him something to work with.

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

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Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
  • Thomas Lipscomb

    Because you have to be REALLY stupid to go through one sentence long page flips like this article written for black women… if they are DUMB enough to do that, why does ANY MAN want to see them?

  • veronica

    Irregardless??? Seriously, who edits this stuff? That’s why smart, successful men don’t date not so smart black (or white, or yellow) women…

  • Arkade Zero

    A smart man never has to say he’s smart

    • Drew

      So… women who proclaim they are strong, independent, educated, attractive, etc. can just forego articulating all of that, too — yes???

      • Arkade Zero

        In my mind– yes.

    • Drew

      So… women who proclaim they are strong, independent, educated, attractive, etc. can just forego articulating all of that, too — yes???

  • Tehani

    Is anyone asking this guy for advice really? These questions have to be made up, and his ‘advice’ sucks.

  • York

    Just a suggestion, MN-how about numbering the slides so it’ll be easier to comment on specific situations, since they’re all on different subjects. Cuz copy and paste or shuffling thru slides trying to figure out what the comments are about isn’t too easy on a cell phone while I’m supposed to be working lol

  • Nope

    “Cindy: What should a girl do if her guy shuts down during conflict and becomes non-communicative? Leave him alone? For how long? Once you start talking again, not bring up the conflict? Not pursue him at all and let him come back to you when he’s ready?

    DY: Tell him that the silent treatment is childish, and will not work if you two want to continue together.”

    I don’t completely agree with this response. A lot of the time women only want to discuss the man’s problems (real or perceived). “We need to talk” is really code for “I need to talk about YOU”. And who wants to be on that one sided street all of the time?

    • FromUR2UB

      What’s a one-sided street? A sidewalk on only one side? Haha!

    • SheBe

      Are you single? If you are it may be best that you stay single. Bless your heart. *In my sweet southern Baptist tone*

      • Nope

        I’m married, unlike
        most people on this site. Like I’ve said before, judging by the
        questions, articles and comments on this site it seems to be a lot
        of the blind leading the blind. I don’t think
        anyone’s responses (male or female) should be taken as gospel, but it seems to
        me there’s a lot more emotionally romantically/sexually
        frustrated women than men, so what a lot of women are doing obviously isn’t
        working. Given most of your predicaments, it’s kind of silly to completely
        dismiss other perspectives, especially from men (myself and others on here)
        that give you advice without expectations, which I bet is rare for most men you
        encounter offline.

        • SheBe

          I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I’m married too (3 yrs yesterday). I agree with a lot of your comments but I noticed a pattern that seemed somewhat… Jaded? (Can’t think of the word.) Anyway, as you were. :-).

        • Very true. A lot of single women giving relationship advice and women without children giving parenting advice. And the irony is that the ones who aren’t knowledgeable of the topic are the most passionate in their “debate”. That’s no shade to Shebe I’m just agreeing with what nope said.

    • I don’t think that’s exactly what DY was referring to. But I can agree with that. Sometimes I do hit my fiance with the “we need to talk” When I really mean you need to listen lol. But it doesn’t work bc he gets defense and tells me everything i do wrong as well and so when end up both talking it out. But my intentions be I talk you listen, I’m right you’re wrong lol.

      • Nope

        Yeah, this is what I meant. I do think that in general men handle relationship developmental conversations better than women. A man might get annoyed after several of these, but I think a lot of women take immediate offense.

        It’s a tough spot to be in for a lot of men. On one hand when his woman wants to talk, it’s usually ABOUT him, and if/when he wants to talk she sees it as a personal attack or an attack on the relationship (which most women assume ownership of, therefore see it as an indirect attack on her).

        • That is where i disagree. Some men like to shut down women like to talk it out. When men have an issue with us they never bring it up until we want to talk about them by that point we don’t wanna hear it. Of course I’m generalizing but there’s truth in it.

    • PleaseDOBetter

      I would agree with this to some degree. Yes, the woman may only want to discuss what she perceives as what the man did wrong. This does not mean that she didn’t or doesn’t have any wrong doing either. She won’t be able to know that within the context of that conversation (any maybe future conversations) if the man doesn’t communicate his side of things either. Often times we take perception as reality because no one wants to offer the true reality.

      Also, who is to say in the scenario provided that he didn’t initiate that conversation and later shut down?

    • Candacey Doris

      She wanted to talk while they were having a disagreement and he stopped talking. How do you know that means she was knocking him down? You weren’t there. Some people clam up during a fight. Some do it to cool down and others just want to stop arguing. It happens.

      Not all women like to just talk about what he has done. Sometimes there is genuinely a problem. Like maybe he promised to meet you three days in a row and never showed. Problem? Yes.