Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Why Don’t The Smart, Successful Men Date Black Women?

May 22, 2013  |  
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Whitney: Since becoming a single mommy I’ve started to attract a lot of men and I’m unsure why they seemed to pop out of the woodworks once my daughter was born and her father stopped acting right. Is this normal?

DY: Who knows? Attraction is funny like that. Everyone has gone through a stretch where, for whatever reason, they were receiving more interest than they usually do. Sometimes it’s just coincidence, and other times it’s something as simple as changing a perfume or feeling more confident.

Karmen: How come some men expect women to sit like a duck and wait on them. However, if you moved on instead, why run from out of nowhere to try to grasp my attention when knowing you were given numerous chances?

DY: When a man does that, it’s usually a sign that he wasn’t that interested in you in the first place. He just wants you to be interested in him.

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Natasha: I catch a lot of flack from my friends because I don’t consider a man to be a good man just because he’s faithful! Am I wrong???

DY: I think you need some new friends

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Faren: In your opinion do you think that parents should only date other parents? I only ask because I’m finding it harder & harder to find a man in my age range who doesn’t have kids but more importantly who doesn’t have a “ratchet” relationship with his child’s mother irregardless of the child’s age.

DY: No. And, I think you need to find some new places to meet men.

Petagaye: The last time I brought up that I went through my dude’s phone and found things he shouldn’t be doing. Well, I talked to him about it and surprisingly he didn’t deny it he in fact apologized. My issue now is he has put a lock on one phone and his other phone he start signing out his Facebook page, something he didn’t use to do. So now I feel he apologized but hasn’t changed. He also told me he wants to get married. This was before I started going through his phone but he keeps saying he’s scared because he doesn’t want to go through what his ex girlfriend and ex wife did to him so I’m annoyed I’m getting blamed for their unfaithfulness. I do understand why he’s scared because I went through the same with my ex husband so now I don’t know how to work this out.

DY: If neither of you trust each other, perhaps this relationship isn’t worth “working out.” Nothing about what you’ve told me screams “we should be together” let alone “we should be married.”

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Griselda: I recently started dating again after my 9 year relationship. But for some reason I loose interest fast or I just don’t pursue anything. My ex husband cheated on me Various times I stayed single for 2 years. Should I stay single longer? It just feels like my heart is still in the last relationship or maybe I’m too scared of the pain. How can I avoid running from every man that tries to talk to me?

DY: I don’t see a problem with staying single longer. There’s no “law” that says “any woman not currently in a relationship needs to be pursuing one.”

Also, have you considered seeing a therapist?

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Cindy: What should a girl do if her guy shuts down during conflict and becomes non-communicative? Leave him alone? For how long? Once you start talking again, not bring up the conflict? Not pursue him at all and let him come back to you when he’s ready?

DY: Tell him that the silent treatment is childish, and will not work if you two want to continue together.

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Jonelle: Is it ok to date different people if I’m not looking for a relationship and after how many dates should you consider sleeping with someone?..(not looking for a relationship)

DY: It’s not just “okay” to date different people, I encourage it. And, sleep with someone when you feel completely comfortable sleeping with them. Doesn’t matter if that takes three dates or 33.

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Yahne: Why are smart single successful brothas so rare in California? And if you do manage to spot one, he rarely dates black women.

DY: Because, in comparison to the rest of the population, smart, single, and successful people (men and women) are rare everywhere. So, states with lower percentages of Black people are going to have lower percentages, and since Cali is only 7% Black, this isn’t a big mystery. As far as “the few single men not being interested in Black women” I think you’re allowing confirmation bias to cloud your judgment.

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Danette: How do you give a hard working man (as in- single father, 2jobs & a night shift) a chance when it appears he doesn’t have time to really court a woman? He is very nice, he calls a lot & I have been to his home so I don’t think there’s another woman, am I getting played or should I be more flexible w/my courting standards?

DY: I usually don’t suggest that women be more flexible about certain things—I actually usually advise that women be less flexible—but in this case, if he’s proven so far to be a stand-up guy, I think you should relax your standards a bit. Not completely, but enough to give him something to work with.

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

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