How Long Is Too Long To Carry On An On-Again/Off-Again Relationship?

May 14, 2013  |  

From YourTango

Unworkable love looks normal but feels exhausting.  Unworkable love keeps you repeating the same problems and trying the same solutions over and over again.  Every time you end it, you mean it, but you find yourself unable to stop thinking about him and then you fall for him all over again and return, despite your awareness and what you promised yourself.  This pattern isn’t easily broken, even after you call it off.

It is very difficult to get out of the break up / make up cycle with destructive or toxic men.  The breakups tend to be unending because resistance to the established pattern of on-again/off-again will be seen as a challenge to get you back.  It’s part of his fun.  When you see the on-again / off-again cycle, and feel pressure to return based on new good behavior, or because he suddenly “gets it” only after you leave, know that you have most likely been in an unworkable, potentially destructive relationship and prepare yourself for breakup drama.

To break the cycle you need extreme self awareness, self honesty in spite of your dreams and wants, and you have to put a timeframe on the back and forth, and stick to it.  Once you become aware that the relationship pattern was warped, you will most likely see that the relationship has always been unworkable, and that’s rough because you’ll feel like you wasted your time.

Give yourself a break because it takes time to see that someone is unable to change or unable sustain change.  You may have focused on his qualities and overlooked or excused his flaws~and that is a great relationship quality providing you are in a solid relationship with a man who can meet you half way, and seeks improvements himself.  If you are not, them focusing on a man’s strengths at your own expense is nothing more than a strategy for self sabotage.  It is critical to know the distinction between a workable and an unworkable relationship, or you may repeatedly find yourself in on-again/off-again relationships that absorb your time and energy.


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  • ludamilla

    there is no love. melissa and rihanna are using him to cover up their lifestyle.

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  • D

    wow, this spoke to me, because i have been in an on/off again relationship for some time, and the sad thing is i love him so much, but he just can’t get it right. i have left for up to 7 months, and he continues to call me back, text me, he just won’t leave me alone, and sometimes i wonder if i want him too. i don’t know what to do, he is my weakness, and i know it, that’s the sad part, i know it, and i can’t get him out of my system. i have cried to him, argued, cursed at him, and it’s as if it goes over his head. our chemistry is good together, but he is so selfish it’s unreal, my feelings or thoughts don’t matter to him, its all about him.

    • guest

      Are you for real?

    • Learn to love yourself, and look at yourself and realize you deserve better. People will show you their true colors you can choose to see it or not. Do you really think this is what you deserve. Love does not hurt.

      • She does think that’s what she deserves that’s why she says someone who who’s selfish and has no thought or consideration of her feelings is her weakness.

        Good chemistry = sex is good and she confuses this with real love, respect, and regard.

    • He isn’t your weakness. Some issues you refuse to address and seek help for are your true weakness. He’s a symptom for an underlying issue. Fix that and you’ll fix your reliance on him for self worth and validation. Best of luck.


    If it’s unworkable, its not love

    • Deep!

    • Love does not hurt.

    • aurora

      it is usery and man hate. she loves women, strippers and melissa. u dont ever see them having drama do you

  • pickneychile

    Any length of time is too long! I tried that foolishness in the past and realized it was a hot mess and not worth the stress. What’s done is done.

  • Its called being addicted to the drama. If there is one thing those types of relationships don’t lack is DRAMA!

    • jay

      real women dont go to strip clubs every night to see puzzy

      • She’s a “real” woman as far as her having the anatomy. Does it make a man any less “real” if he goes?