Keri Hilson On Relationships: Bottom Line Is, A Man Will Treat You According To The ‘Messages’ YOU Put Out

May 10, 2013  |  


Miss Keri baby is dropping some knowledge this Friday afternoon when it comes to women and relationships — or not depending on your view of the male/female dynamic.

According to Necole Bitchie, innocently, or so it seemed, Keri Hilson uploaded the image above to Instagram seemingly offering an inspiring word to women and girls about their dealings with men. But it didn’t take long for people to zone in on the fact that Keri appeared to be putting all the onus on women when it comes to men treating them right — and that people did not stand for. Seeing the 200-plus comments she received on the posts (mostly in the negative vain) Keri backed up her message with this advice:

“Interesting comments on my last IG post…quite a stir. But I don’t see the confusion. Ladies don’t get it twisted. It DOES start with YOU!! Unfortunately, every man doesn’t possess some standard high amount of respect for every woman they encounter…just as every woman doesn’t exude the same amount of confidence, class, or self respect. This is not a perfect world, where men treat “hoes” with the same respect they give “ladies” just because their mother taught them well.

Bottom line is, a man will treat you according to the “messages” YOU put out there. That’s the way of the world…reality. If you exude sex, you will attract men who want that from you. If you exude self respect, you will attract the type of men who respect women. In this world, you attract what you exude. Ladies, WE set the tone!! NEVER forget that!! We have the power to change our experiences w/ men.”

Keri’s message certainly isn’t wrong, but I’m sure there are plenty of women out there thinking I treat myself with respect and demand it from others and I still can’t find a good man, so don’t act like this advice is foolproof. Or they feel like this commenter who told Keri her message is nothing but “Patriarchy at its finest & many women can’t even see how they buy into and/or perpetuate the oppression.”

I definitely believe we all show others how to treat us, but I, for one, am tired of the notion that women have to teach men how to be men. Some men will attempt to walk all over you no matter what signs you put in the universe. At that point all you have control over is how long you tolerate the nonsense.

What do you think about Keri’s message?

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  • Marie

    Well first, there is a
    difference between commanding and demanding respect. There is a baseline
    or basic level of respect that all human beings are due simply as a matter of
    the sanctity of life and, if you will, being created in the image of God.
    Our constitution acknowledges and is based upon the notion that all
    humans have inalienable rights that PRECEDE man-made government—this is the

    The second thing I say is
    that there is a great need in society for a better commonly understood
    definition of what it means to be an adult. Many people believe they are
    adults because they have a job and pay bills, they drink alcohol, they sex,
    they club, and may even do drugs of some sort; they think this is what makes
    them “grown”. Biologically people WILL be grown, but not necessarily
    adults. One characteristic of being an adult is possessing a personal
    code of conduct and sense of honor. This code can be the result of the
    indoctrination of parents or parental figures during the formative years, an
    overruling of said indoctrination in favor of a replacement provided by a peer
    social group or admired figure, or a combination of the two. An adult is
    one who claims responsibility for one’s own actions at all times and with all
    people—for better or worse.

    The socialization of many
    (maybe even most) males up until the past generation or so has basically
    included positive reinforcement from other males for emotional self-mutilation
    (the belief, however unconscious, that emotions are feminine and represent
    weakness). I personally believe men and women are made for each other,
    and therefore never have bought into the idea that males are not emotional or
    don’t express emotions—emotions are human. Notions such as the preceding
    create within a male the tendency to show aggression or the worst of himself
    toward anything that does not contribute to his constant mission to either
    become a real man, or remain a real man and let no one take that away from him.
    Most of this involves proving himself to or impressing other males MORE
    SO than to other females.

    There are many factors
    that result in a female behaving “like a hoe”—many of which, for
    many, DOCUMENTED, are directly related to her first mistreatment or abuse by
    some male in her life. If there is an accountability structure in the
    belief system of the male who encounters one “acting like a hoe”,
    there is no way for this male to mistreat, degrade, disrespect or abuse said
    BEHAVIOR OR “SIGNALS” unless that belief system establishes (however
    unconsciously) that: 1) he is her authority on what a proper or classy lady is
    (a hoe being something opposite to that); 2) he believes he has the authority to
    punish her failure to personify his definition; 3) in the case that his
    intention is not to punish but to “teach her a lesson”, that the
    aforementioned forms of mistreatment are necessary and natural to accomplish
    such a lesson; and 4) that he himself is exempt from such punishment/lesson.
    In the case that the male DOES have an ultimate moral accountability
    paradigm that features the female and himself standing before some OTHER objective
    and infallible judge (at least for the purpose of this dilemma), then this
    male, by definition has an accompanying sub-paradigm, which features himself
    being exonerated, excused, or exempt from excoriation before this objective
    standard-setter and judge. The female
    and, NOTE THIS WELL, he does not see as possessing or even worthy of the
    privilege of standard determination and judgment—regardless of the fact that it
    is her life and she knows more about it than he does. He believes that a higher authority than
    himself would confirm his claim against her, and award him judgment in the form
    of validating the payment he feels entitled to exact (i.e. the various forms of

    SO, all of the above to say the following:

    A. it is documented
    fact that there are serious flaws in the socialization of males which features
    a lack of empathy or even simply sympathy for someone they perceive as weak.
    Most have been literally raised to be more like human doings than human
    beings, in the sense that performance and achievement that advances their
    status among other males and/or with whomever supplied them with their manhood
    lessons, is top priority and everything else is interpreted in terms of that
    priority and subordinated to that priority.

    B. the “Law of
    Attraction” has become yet another source of abuse toward women, particularly
    Black Women, who are continually told that there is something they are failing
    to do or some male esoterica they are failing to master when the men in their
    lives are showing their asses. Regardless of the defenses lifted up by males in
    reaction or even females, the logic is undeniable that such statements toward
    women carry the implication that the male is a marionette and women have some
    kind of psychic or cosmic power and OBLIGATION to turn make him into a mature
    man who does what is right simply because it is right (without “trying to
    change him” by the)—this is absurd. There is such a thing as something or
    someone negative or undesirable or painful or disappointing or confusing
    showing up in one’s life NOT BECAUSE ONE HAS ATTRACTED IT, BUT BECAUSE that
    something or someone found one attractive. Another dangerous and
    injurious premise of this whole “Law of Attraction”-type talk and fad
    is that if a person is experiencing something other than health, wealth, and
    happiness, that person is automatically too weak or somehow at fault. This type of argument is similar to the
    belief that the majority or all the black people who live with low-income or in
    poverty do so because they are lazy.

    C. Men have given
    answers numerous times when asked why they do different things they do that
    basically says, “We were taught…” or “As men we are
    taught…” or “My father…”. One of the characteristics of
    being an adult is the courage to identify, acknowledge, and overrule error in
    lessons or dictums that may have been part and parcel to your self-concept
    heretofore (this is the primary psychological function of adolescence, which is
    why traditionally the term rebel or rebellion has been associated with this
    stage of development). There is a positive way to rebel (Lauryn Hill has
    a great song about just that on her Unplugged album). In short: it is
    quite possible that what you were taught was wrong.

    D. Many men often
    hold a belief (as evidenced by their behavior) that being wrong should be
    avoided at all costs (or at least looking wrong); inherent in this belief is
    another, more fundamental assumption or belief that he must be infallible (or
    at least appear that way). It takes more for a man to still like how he
    looks to himself despite being wrong sometimes; it does not seem like a simple
    fact of life for many that if one is not God, one is not exempt from or
    entitled to never being, wrong. Also, for many, regardless of whatever
    bad or wrong they do, they have this mindset that it is always worse or more wrong
    to cite his actual bad or wrong deeds—do not shine any light on my misdeeds!
    Either this or if there is a citation, he will expect some sort of
    mitigator or diminishment of the seriousness of his fault. Inherent in that belief and the related
    expectation, is yet another more underlying assumption or belief that he should
    be able to do dirt but not get dirty or at least have someone provide a ready
    getaway change of clothing for him, so that he can still attend the party later
    and be the life thereof.

    E. Many men have a flawed system of loyalty to
    other men that is not based in a real assessment of that other man’s character;
    in other words, there are many men who defend, cover for, and identify with,
    and call “friend” other men, despite no evidence of completion of the major
    milestones of true adulthood and manhood, or even despite evidence of a
    seriously dubious and scandalous character.
    There is difficulty for many when it comes time to think of and
    represent oneself as just that—self, an individual, who has no obligation to save
    men in general from “looking bad” at all cost.
    This is why you can scarcely have a simple conversation about acts in
    evidence on the part of males or a male, acts which are negative in some way
    without some invariably bringing up the superfluous “not all” statement or
    distracting or deflecting with “women do it too” statements.

    F. It’s as old as Adam: “The woman thou gavest
    me”, which signifies something automatic, even immediate in the basic male
    nature that will completely disregard his own responsibility and blame the
    woman whom he sees as an extension of himself in some way, and also implicate
    the God who created not only her but him.
    This illustrates how far a man is willing to go to keep light from shining
    on him and him alone and “looking bad” or “being wrong”. While there are lots of men, I venture, who
    are conscious of this tendency within them and have done a great deal of work
    to overcome and reign it in, there are probably just as many who are still
    caught in this pathology. One big underlying
    assumption or belief may be, “I am not loved unless I am right” or “I am not
    respected unless I’m right” or “….unless
    I win”.

    *Bonus note: I personally
    do not look to celebrities to tell me how to be successful in life. I first start by having a definition of
    success that is my very own; I then move on to do what I do and be who I
    be. If I happen to hear what’s going on
    with famous whomever, I always ask the question how much money is it putting in
    my account or what otherwise does it have to do with my life really. Just because someone is on television or
    wrote a book and makes a certain significant amount of money does not give them
    the authority to tell me what I need to do in my relationships or what
    not. Men are a better team with one
    another than women are; this is one of the reasons why so many people feel it
    is okay to anoint themselves relationship experts, and the reason why much of
    the advise results in the wrong person doing the work or a disproportionate
    amount of the work to get the basic things they desire and even deserve in a
    relationship—because mostly women buy these books! Many men don’t like to believe their
    understanding or judgment about what women are like are what women want is
    fallable or incomplete (and really “women” would be irrelevant the only thing
    that would matter is HIS WOMAN, singular).
    I often marvel, slightly annoyed, when I see women running to consume
    yet more relationship advice with extra excitement because “Oooh from a MALE
    perspective!”. The only male perspective
    that counts in my life is my man’s—and no other man has the authority to
    represent how he thinks, feels, or what makes him tick.

    Ok enough, just some things to think about (not simply react to please).

  • She is so beautiful

  • Kris

    I believe folks are thinking way too much into Keri’s post….Jesus Christ.
    She’s not saying that EVERYBODY in the world will respect you if you demand it. She’s simply saying for the most part, alot of folks will respect you it you demand respect.
    OMG Folks gotta stop overthinking simple, self explanatory things such as this. Her statements is true.

  • Me

    I think it’s best to deal ONLY with guys who respect women, in general. Sure, he’s respecting you…bc he wants something from you (i.e. sex, relationship, money). But, what happens when he no longer wants anything from you? You’ll have fallen in love with an a-hole, but he will start to treat you the same way he treated those other women. Date goods guys, not a-holes who treat you a certain way but treat other women like garbage. It is very important to see how men treat ALL people.

  • Guest

    Women have always had the power to determine how they will be treated. Men get away with what they are allowed. I keep trying to get the young women I interact with to understand this. They tell me about their horrible dates where men expect you to split the bill for the date, give them a BJ and sex after. So not only are you expected to give up the goods, but you also have to help finance the date that is the quest to get the goods!!! WTF!!!

  • kimmel67

    What she is saying is pretty much common sense. We’ve all heard it before time and time again. What bothers me about this is the constant blaming women for a man’s bad behavior. If he is a true gentlemen he will treat all women with some level respect. Period.

  • Dee

    She’s absolutely right! Men are so disrespectful to women nowadays because the women put up with it. It’s so sad that women will do anything to hold onto a man. They don’t care is he’s married, no job or motivation, just as long as its a male. If women all over would just be ladies, the men would be forced to change.

  • maggie

    She is right. I think some women don’t want to believe that part of showing oneself respect is by walking away from a situation sometimes. A lot of women try to stay in a situation and force a man to see their worth aka demand respect AFTER the fact.

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  • I see nothing wrong with what she said. It is the truth. I think people are just hating on her period.

  • ChiTown Princess

    She’s not lying, I have friends who had men disappear on them after they give up the goods and they tell me that men today only use them for s3x. I keep telling them to make them earn it and stop giving it up quickly unless you want to be a lifetime booty call. It took me a year to give some to my future husband, he respected my morals while we were dating.

  • She speaks the truth. My male bestie says that he pics “hos” up at the bar and treat them like one, smash and bang out, leaving rubbers on the floor, and won’t even buy them a meal (ikr he trif) but when he meets a respectable woman he treats he as so, take her on dates, spend money on her, taking thing on the pace she sets it, sexually. It may be a double standard but nonetheless it’s true. You get treated according to how you treat yourself. I bet some of these same negative commentors on her ig are quick to post themselves twerking and half naked and can’t figure out for the life of them why they can’t find a man.

  • She is so beautiful it was great to see such a cute picture. thank you

  • Mo

    Exactly… “At that point all you have control over is how long you tolerate the nonsense”… meaning people are individuals first and are free to do what they want. Setting proper BOUNDARIES for yourself allow you to filter how that person will then affect your life. Let the boys play games if they want to, but don’t entertain it -walk away- plain and simple. I agree with Keri… when the Queen is ready, the King will appear… AND VICE VERSA!

  • Jud Jud

    Keri is all the way right.

  • IllyPhilly

    Good for her trying to help some young girl remember she’s a queen.

  • Pivyque

    Having a standard set for yourself is not teaching a man how to be a man. Men learn how to deal with women based on their encounters with women. If they can act up and still get what they want, they will continue to act up. The same goes for women, but let me not get off topic! lol Point is, if we want to be treated a certain way, we have to effectively communicate it to the person we are dealing with.

  • kylieky

    I think she means if you are dealing with a man on a deeper level. If he doesn’t respect you, you should dismiss him and keep it moving. Otherwise, even if you are respectable woman and you continue to entertain him when he disrespects, then that indicates to him he can get away with it.

  • Tehani

    You can’t make someone respect you. They either do or they don’t.

    • Shay n Scrappy 4 ever! Lmao

      True, but a person must demand it.

      • Tehani

        One can demand respect, but that doesn’t mean they will get it, because again, someone either respects you or they don’t.

        • If you respect yourself others will feel obligated to do the same. Just like if you think you are beautiful and walk around with confidence others will think you’re beautiful too. It’s positive manipulation. People see in you what you show them.

          • S

            It does mean that you will get it, because when soemone starts to disrespect you you simply don’t give them access to you. There you go demanding respect and getting it.

          • Marie

            Sssoooo, how do we reconcile the principle you just stated with the fact that people often see in other people, things that are not seen by that first group of people themselves?

            Why do we use others as a “sounding board”?

            While there is definitely a exude dynamic that can be at work and affect the attitudes of others, I wouldn’t go as far as treating it like it is an unconditional, universal principle that is failsafe.

            How many people are willing to say that Mark David Chapman was attractive to John Lennon because John was not exuding peace that day or at that moment, or he was but not enough peace–how would we measure?

            We cannot buy 100% percent into a “Law of Attraction”-type philosophy without also, simultaneously compromising the belief that one may reinvent himself.

        • MLS2698

          So we just don’t stick round for what that person has to offer when they DON’T respect us. It’s just that simple.

        • dg

          So true b/c you cannot control others thoughts, actions, intent, or feelings…even if you demand it they still may not give u respect or whatever else it is you want! I guess that is when u choose to seperated yourself when others don’t comply w/ your wants n needs!

    • ChiTown Princess

      It’s not about making someone respect you, it’s about how you respect yourself. If you respect yourself, you gonna get respect, if you present yourself like a ho, you gonna get treated like a ho. Respect is earned, not given.

      • Tehani

        I stated twice that one cannot make someone respect them, so I am not sure why your first statement is directed toward me.

        One can have self respect and still be disrespected.

        I don’t even know where the ‘ho’ comment came from.

        I know that respected is earned, which is why I stated more than once that you cannot make someone respect you.

        • DG

          Exactly! You cannot force or demand respect from someone b/c they might not be a respectful person to beging w/ hence you cannot control onse actions, intend, feelings towards another..We are not in a jail setting where repect is forced if you don’t or can’t comply. People respecting others is a choice and depending on what type of person you are it will be given…its called SELF CONTROL for a reason, on you can control you not others! Respecting yourself is when you interact w/ someone who is not respecting you and U CHOSE TO KEEP AWAY from those who don’t have/share your same ideologies! That is when YOU TAKE CONTROL and say this persone doesn’t respect me or what I am doing its time for me to leave them alone! U respecting yourself + emiliminating ppl who don’t resoect you = RESPECTING YOURSELF!

        • Marie

          *By “the ho comment” I assume you mean the one in your first post about presenting oneself as a ho and consequently being treated like a ho: do agree with this? If so, who made this rule?

          Do you think that most men believe they must earn respect from women, especially their wives?

          If I were to walk up to you and sock you in the mouth, you protest because you felt it was disrespectful, and I respond, “Well you haven’t earned any respect!” what would you think?

          In the absence of respect there is what?

    • Me

      I agree with Tehani. Just bc you respect yourself doesn’t mean you won’t encounter people who don’t respect you. Sure, you can simply not tolerate it when you do encounter it, but it doesn’t make you exempt from meeting men who don’t respect women. Saying that a woman sets the tone places all responsibility on women and once again, gives men an excuse to be less than a man.

      I have found that a lot of men actually hate women. Not in the sense that they are gay, but in that they have mommy issues. Also, disrespect comes in many difft forms. It doesn’t always mean he’s not a gentleman. Disrespect comes in the form of cheating, lying, physical abuse, verbal abuse etc.

  • MLS2698

    I keep telling women they have ALL the power but constantly give it away. I love/live the part about what you exude, too. If you want to be viewed as a s3x symbol, then that’s what men will want…….so true. The respect and confidence route is harder, FOR SOME, but much more fulfilling. #DON’TSETTLE

  • Kisha315

    I believe in life people will treat you the way you treat yourself. Confidence and holding yourself to a certain standard will change the way people see you. Try it and you will see.