Here Comes The Baby Carriage…But What Happened To The Marriage?

168 comments
May 5, 2013 ‐ By Brooke Dean

Not long ago, Tyler Perry was a guest on the Steve Harvey Show and expressed his desire to have children one day. The media mogul, at age 43, didn’t mention anything about marriage, even though he’s said in the past that he’d like to be married one day. However, it’s not surprising that many men and women feel the need to fulfill their desires to be parents without necessarily walking down the aisle first.

It seems more and more men and women are putting off marriage so that they can build their career and having children has been pushed back a little too. And then there are those who are deciding not to do either altogether so that they can focus on building successful careers rather than child rearing. Lately, I’ve been reading articles about the double standard between single, Black, 40-something year old men who are successful, but choose not to get married or have children and their female counterparts who decide the same. It appears that some women are considered “selfish” if they choose their career over parenthood, while men may not be judged at all for making the same choice. If Tyler Perry decided to never have kids, would we care? I’m not saying we’d care if Janet Jackson or Oprah never had children, but for some it just seems “odd” when a successful woman decides to never have a child.

But for those African American men and women who DO want to have children but don’t have any prospects in sight for a mate, what do they do? Statistics state that 72 percent of black children are born to unwed parents and they led me to wonder: if a black man or woman, for whatever reason, decided that they never wanted to get married, should they NOT have children? Ever?

I ask because it seems that even though we’re not getting married the way we used to, we’re certainly still having kids. Now, I’ll be the first one to tell you that children are never a mistake. They may not always be “planned” but I believe that if you are here, it’s because you were meant to be here. Period. But there are those who say that black men and women who have children out of wedlock are “polluting” and/or “diluting” the gene pool of “desirable” parents for the next generation of our children. Basically, that means that successful, educated black men of a certain age with the means to take care of a child are opting NOT to get married and have children, while “Pookie annem” are having babies all willy nilly and not taking care of them. The same can be said for successful, black women who are choosing their career over a family, but the “Shenene’s” of the world are popping them left and right.

I’m not saying this is true, but that is the perception. Don’t shoot the messenger.

But what if the successful, educated black man/woman with the means to take care of a child actually decides to have one, but still doesn’t want to get married – then what? Should he/she be criticized for bringing a child into an “unwed” situation, even if they are an active parent in the child’s life, can provide for them financially, teaches him things, spends time with him and loves him? Or would they be contributing to the breakdown of the black family – even if they’d probably end up divorced if they got married anyway? As we’ve all heard by now, many feel that marriage is becoming obsolete – but being parent doesn’t seem to be going out of style any time soon.

Not everyone is meant to be in a monogamous relationship. Not everyone, regardless of education or status, has the tools necessary to compromise or make the sacrifices necessary to have a successful marriage. Success in a career is VERY different than success in a relationship in many cases, so marriage may not be for everyone. Success and happiness no longer have to include a wife, a husband or a child. Sometimes a job and the freedom of singlehood are really enough.

But can you be a great parent while not a great spouse? Or do you think they should go hand in hand? Is a person who would be considered a “desirable” parent selfish for not choosing to have children, or are they smart for knowing what they want or what they can or cannot handle? I’m curious to hear the answers to this one because some folks can clearly see themselves as a mother or father, but not a spouse – just like Tyler Perry may be ready to be a father, but not a husband. With so many celebs (Kim K. and Kanye come to mind) and non-celebs these days opting to have their family the way they see fit, do we care about marriage the way we used to? Should parenthood be limited to those who want to also be married, or should people who are committed to being good parents have children without saying “I do?”

Check out Tyler Perry’s interview with Steve Harvey and tell us what you think.

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  • SMHgurl24

    Lmfao thank you! Its amazing how ANY woman can see those comments and not get offended. Smh at all those girls who upped someone who basically spit in their face.

  • appassionata

    It takes a man and a woman to make a baby. Why is it radical to say that a man and a woman should raise it?

  • KamJos

    Set yourself up to be in a region where you have access to eligible bachelors.

  • http://navygentleman.com/cvn2 Red47

    Sadly, what the folks who don’t value marriage don’t understand is that our current society has risen to this structure and tearing it down is regressive.

    • KamJos

      Black people are setting themselves up to be a permanent underclass in this society.

  • ttoya

    This is such bull. The two parent home is what the black community needs, have u visited a prison lately? Its just full of Ba-stard blak boys

    • SMHgurl24

      Soooo by that logic every black man in prison is from a single parent home… Really??

      • KamJos

        Not every, but the majority are.

        • SMHgurl24

          So how is that the cause of these kids being in jail if a small minority of them grew up in two parent household? Could it be that a person doesn’t have the mental stability to be a parent? Just because you have kids doesn’t mean your whole personality changes and you suddenly become responsible. Maybe thats the reason for all those kids being locked up. Immature people (including adults) having kids when they can barely take care of themself.

          • ttoya

            Baby nall its because they don’t have a father, or no who their daddy is because their mama was a ho or addict or both . I’ve worked in criminal justice system for years so I’m not guessing. Black women need to take responsibility for the generation of lost black men caused by their choice to become babymama’s instead of wives

  • ttoya

    To the author kids are never a mistake. Yeah right that’s why the urban areas are over ran with black bas-tard kids. Lets see this site go on down and take the projects out of poverty. I’m so sick of stupid blacks that want other successful blacks to help the ghetto, these women and children don’t want to be saved . Its a choice to breed like an animal without a father/husband in the picture and I for one am sick of the excuses.

    • SheBe

      Waves church fan*

  • michaelderrick

    Marriage is far more profound than our contemporary culture would lead us to believe. It is a life-long commitment that restrains self-centeredness, self-indulgence and self-gratification. It is the one relationship that effectively prepares and conditions us for community. By restraining self-centeredness and promoting love of another, marriage becomes the foundation for social order. When this commitment labeled “marriage” is reduced to nothing more than a mere contract between two consenting persons, or worse just another option, it ceases to restrain our self-centered passions.
    Self-centeredness harms not only that relationship but also others as well until it spreads throughout society like ripples in a pond. Abandoning the “others before self” concept of marriage for the self-serving concept of contractual relationships between autonomous individuals makes us increasingly narcissistic, ultimately leading toward moral and social collapse.

    • michaelderrick

      continuing…..

      This article’s writer seem to be asking;- With the long-term viability of marriage in question : Is the Judeo-Christian concept of marriage really that important? Absolutely, and perhaps there is a greater need now more than ever to understand why.

      The marriage covenant is singularly unique in civilization; for marriage is not just a civil union between two people, rather it is an emotional, physical and spiritual union between one man and one woman. Emotional in the sense that these two people, male and female, each with different attributes, join together in life; each assisting the other, nurturing and caring for one another, affirming and guiding one another – in essence, completing the other. Physical in the sense that marriage is procreative – two separate biological beings blending together to create what neither can create on their own: children. And lastly, spiritual in the sense that we are made for this partnership.

  • blackwomenwhitemendatingcom

    A child deserves TWO loving and married parents. The end result isn’t
    always so but don’t deny them this privilege before they are even
    conceived.

  • blackwomenwhitemendatingcom
  • Bubbah

    Regardless of education, social and financial status, not every human is parent material. I am the product of two people who should NEVER have had kids. (Incidentally, Oprah is an aquarian, and they do NOT make good parents. My mom was an aquarian too.)
    Too many women let themselves get pregnant to satisfy their own selfishness, many think pregnancy is good for attention, others have no job skills and want an income. After the births, the babies demand attention, and the mothers become annoyed, confused and often abusive. Their ignorance allows them to believe that a welfare check will suffice (taking the place of daddy’s financial support). Both boys AND girls need a ‘dad’. A girl’s boyfriends are more apt to treat her with respect when they meet her father who asserts himself with warnings. Boys need a man to talk to and learn from, and they resent that missing parent.

  • Truthfull

    No one can predict the future, so all decisions are simply the management of risk in search and hopes of significant reward… So to say there’s one guaranteed way of raising a well rounded individual and productive citizen is a potential falsehood.

    Let me explain. Think of the Bible and how in the religion of Christianity there’s often the concept or phrasing regarding the “straight and narrow”. This usually regards an individual’s efforts in attempts at righteousness and how there is only one way “to be” righteous. Now, think of God as a circle with a dot (his core, his love) in the center; with everything within the perimeter of that circle being ALL of existence.

    The truth is regardless of where you begin in that circle there’s only one way to the center of that circle… To move in that direction. Now think of that circle as a sphere, and that sphere as physical space with scenery, environment and time.

    Isn’t it reasonable that your movement towards the center or the source, although the same may appear different based upon where you began? Yes, it would. But would it be diferent? YES IT WOULD. But is it different in its function? No. So the differences are based upon what perspective not fundamental principles.

    So what’s right your emotions or the wisdom that guides you? Both. Your experience is only yours and assists you in understanding your position and orientation in your journey but your wisdom is your direction, destination and focal point.

    With all that being said as long as a child has a male and female that genuinely loves that child selflessly and in a consistently PRESENT manner that child will have the best foundation regardless of the configuration, whether it be father and mother, mother and uncle, father and grandmother, mother and older brother, etc. Marriage does not guarantee a parent just as the decision to go parenthood alone does not guarantee failure.

    To each they own and hope abound that in their decision they not only find happiness but that their happiness provides the potential for happiness for those in the influence of such, both direct and indirect.

    THINK FREE.

  • JustSayin

    Why is it that marriage is always some “huge” community factor when it comes to the black community. There was an article published in “The Guardian” regarding how violence, male ignorance and everything under the sun is always linked to the lack of a two parent household in the black community. Even when the president was asked about gun violence in the black community he responded, “There’s no more important ingredient for success, nothing that would be more important for us reducing violence than strong, stable families – which means we should do more to promote marriage and encourage fatherhood.” My thing is that a family will always come in different shapes and sizes. Marriage does not guarantee the perfect family and I think that after the years of exposed infidelity, spousal disagreements and even deaths people fear integrating their lives with other people or just plain don’t want to! At the end of the day it is about how the child is raised, period! A lot of these mass murders had perfect homes but they were a little off. So; it is never a better chance because they have more parents… it is about the amount of love, attention, affection and support.

    • KamJos

      There are confirmed links between stable families and the reduction of violence. People aren’t pulling this stuff out of their behinds. Mass murderers by and large come from dysfunctional families. Criminals by and large come from dysfunctional families. Children from single family households are more likely to be poor, more likely to be undereducated, more likely to have poorer health etc. This is an observable fact. I have no clue why people want to bury their heads in the sand about this.

  • Lila

    Well what advice do you ladies have for me? I am very established with an education, car, and house all paid off. No debt. What if I wanted to adopt a child? I’m single; however, wouldn’t one parent be better than no parent for a child?

    • GeekMommaRants

      Of course, one good parent out matches two sets of dysfunctional parents. It’s the quality of the parent that counts. Examples would be Barack Obama, Bill Clinton to name a couple.

    • yeppers

      I have actually already told my mother as well that I am willing to adopt and have a child ON MY OWN…if a husband doesnt present himself. Adoption probably being the preferred, so I dont have to be tied to a baby daddy for the rest of my life. I am currently building my own company and wealth as well, so that if it comes to that I will be more than financially stable to give that child everything he/she wants. To me adoption is the best thing, because there are so many children out here without a home and parents….plus like i said, having to fight in court with some dead beat man is not the route i choose to go either. So for me its either marriage or adoption.

    • GM_I

      Adopting is fine but it changes the argument of the topic & what everyone is debating. The argument is about choosing to bring a child into the world under circumstances that generally end in a negative outcome, such as single-parenthood. Adoption is an adult choosing to take care of a child already born into the world by a mother & father who chose not to take care of the child or was capable of taking care of the child. So, its different and not the same thing. Its just another example of where kids born into the world before the woman who chose to give birth to the child didn’t actually think things through & acted irresponsibly in getting pregnant. The man is also irresponsible but men don’t have any reproductive rights that women have so we’re powerless to legally stop any births that would be a bad idea from happening, in comparison to women.

      • guest

        I agree with what your’e saying. You lost me with the “man has no reproductive rights.” There are condoms, you want to avoid unwanted pregnancies, then never let there be a chance for pregnancy,

        • GM_I

          Reproductive rights have nothing to do with condoms, that’s called a form of birth control. Reproductive rights is have the legal authority & protections by law over the reproduction of your DNA/unborn offspring. Basically, women have the legal right to abort pregnancies without the consent of he bio-dad & their is no legal repercussions if she does it, even if the bio-dad is against it. Men, have no say so in regards of child with their dna compared to women. If a man doesn’t want a child, he has no choice but to suffer any consequences that arise after the birth of the child (i.e child support and/or jail time for failure to pay it).

          Children can be a burden for both men & women but its only women who are legally protected to rid themselves of the burdens & expenses of child-rearing at any given point & time. Women can abort an unborn child, if they wait too late for that, women can legally leave the child at a police/fire station or a hospital no questions asked or suffer any consequences. Then, there is also adoption where mothers can legally sell their babies to others who may not be able to have their own or who just want to adopt instead of procreate naturally. A woman that is about to become a mother or is a mother, has many options available to them that us men do not. When kids effect a womans/mothers livelihood, they have plenty of escape routes, but when a man suffers the burdens that unwanted children can bring, we’re forced to pay up even if it means sending us to the poor house & punished if we’re incapable of paying up (regardless of the reasons why). This is what I mean by “Reproductive Rights”, look it up and do some research about it, freakin sux!!! One of many reasons im opting out of having kids since I live in America, kids have been reduced to nothing more than means to a financial end to women and the government, which is why they wont change the laws, they have a vested interest in it as these biased laws stand today smh.

        • GM_I

          I replied to this comment yesterday and now its not here smh…MN has some serious issues and hates the truth. Nothing about my comments regarding men not having any “Reproductive Rights” and giving examples of this fact shouldn’t have been deleted. It’s obvious MN has their own skewed agenda, y’all so pathetic smh Im gonna try to post what I stated previously before, lets see if they try to silence my freedom of speech once again lol

        • GM_I

          “Reproductive Rights” have nothing to do with condoms at all, that is a form of birth control. Reproductive Rights are the rights legally protected by the law regarding unborn children. For example; women who become pregnant have the legal right to ab0rt if they choose to, even without the consent of the bio-dad (doesn’t matter if he wants it either). Also, women have the legal rights protected by law to be deadbeats and abandon their children if they don’t want them. They’re allowed to do this thru the process of just leaving a baby/child at any hospital, police/fire station no questions asked. Women can even get money from selling their babies they don’t want via adoption agencies (also another process that can be done without the fathers consent). These are options that men/fathers seldom have at all.

          Men/fathers have no legal recourse to stop a woman pregnant with his child from ab0rtin it if he wants to be the father, men have no “say so” on when they become fathers as women/mothers do after the fact of a pregnancy already being established. Kids can be a burden to both men & women but its only women who are given the legal rights to abandon that responsibility with no penalties at all, in comparison to men who do it. If a woman has the child of a man who didn’t want kids, gets put on child support & cant pay it, he is thrown in jail/prison. His wages get garnished, effecting his livelihood & finances with no regard to the negative effects his life suffers from it. Women/mothers don’t have to worry about these things, quite the opposite. Many women are rewarded financially for having kids they cant personally provide for, so there is more incentives than not for them to keep having them (but that’s another discussion in itself). Point being, women have avenues & escape routes laid out for them that men do not. You should g00g1e “Reproductive Rights” & “Men Reproductive Rights” and research it. It’s one of the many reasons I’ve chosen to opt out of having kids being an American citizen.

  • GeekMommaRants

    No one can argue that marriage then children is the best path. Marriage has now become what the middle class and above have. The working class and below shun marriage as unemployment and crime plague these communities. It is also noted that being married, getting divorced does not always guarantee a co-parenting environment. Many wish to divorce their children as well.

  • Pivyque

    I think it is a personal choice. As long as the kid have a loving and solid support system, I don’t see why not. Personally, I would never have had a kid before getting married and I have advised my daughters to be married with a solid foundation before having kids, but if they choose not to, that is their decision.

    • GM_I

      So, lay out the details about what a “solid support system” is and tell me how prevalent that support system is inside the black community. Because even the blind can see that most blk children dont have much of a support system at home to begin with and most blk kids being born are being born into dysfunctional & broken homes more often than stable & healthy families capable of providing the type of support so many seem to only imagine. Cuz I honestly don’t see what y’all claim to, but I live in reality and not a world of hope & wishful thinking.

      • Pivyque

        Well, I don’t keep up with the statistics on support systems in the black community. I was raised with two parents and a lot of extended family, so that is what I mean by solid support system. When a child is surrounded by people that love, teach and care for them, they tend to turn out fine. I don’t believe that you absolutely HAVE to be married before having kids because it IS possible for two people to raise children together without being married.

        • GM_I

          I knew what u meant. I was temporarily raised in a two parent household myself, before my parents divorced. I understand having a support system, but like I said, its not the norm for the black community. Most are fatherless or have aint shxt mamas who are just as bad as their absent deadbeat father. I also agree that marriage isn’t necessary to raise kids, I think marriage does more damage than good especially when the divorce comes. I feel all it really takes is a genuine desire to want to be a parent & have enough respect for ur mate to co-parent even if the relationship ends. The problem is a lot of young, dumb & naïve teenage/early 20 something’s are giving birth to the children of crazy n199az, bums, thugs destined for prison/graveyard & men who have no desire of being a father at all. Take for example those four prison guard women recently reported about all being pregnant by a drug kingpin while he’s locked p in prison. Highly doubt any of them will get an abortion & are probably proud to have that scums by & be 1 of God knows how many of his babies mamas. Prime example of females knowing exactly what a man is about & chooses a screwed up life for their child before its even born into the world smh.

          • Pivyque

            That’s true. I have to disagree that marriage does more damage than good tho. My kids get a chance to see what a healthy marriage/relationship looks like. With all these dysfunctional relationships being shown and accepted in our society as normal (ex: man in prison-woman pregnant with his baby), the fact that our kids can look to us as an example of what things are supposed to be like is a luxury that some of their friends don’t have. Marriage is never the problem, the two people involved are the problem. If two people are toxic for each other and decide to bring a kid into the mix, married or not, that’s a bad scenario for all involved.

  • GM_I

    @Onekool Klassyrn:

    How is my perception messed up, its based on the reality of the world??? What world or country do u live in??? In America, everything I stated is fact & u couldn’t disprove anything I’ve stated with factual evidence, but I can back up every comment I made in my previous post. I never said anybody had to like it, ur obviously suffering from the common female disease known a “DENIAL”. And yes, the basis for why I (emphasis on “I”) dont want kids or to be married is becuz marriage & children are used by women & the court system as a means to extort men (generally the successful ones) out of their money (and being a wealthy successful business man is what im progressing on becoming). Also, I know plenty of naïve & idotic ppl with Masters degrees & many other degrees, they dont mean your intelligent all around or that your gonna get a six or seven figure income job/career, just that ur good at a particular course of study smh…U can be in denial about everything I’ve stated, ur a woman, so its not surprising ur incapable of comprehending the things I’ve said. Its the equivalent of me saying I understand what women go through while on their period lol. Next time u address me about having a problem with what I say being wrong, post some evidence to dispute what I said & prove me wrong.

  • yeppers

    If marriage is not for you then you are NOT THE MAN FOR ME….NEITHER IS HAVING MY CHILD FOR YOU. IF I choose to get married I will have sex and a child with my HUSBAND…period, end of story, no compromises with boyfriends and no cut buddies. If you want to have sex before marriage, There are ways to TAKE CARE OF YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES AND NOT GET PREGNANT, IVE DONE SO FOR 30 YEARS…As for not getting married, if that is my plan for life, then I am all for it. I dont believe anyone is broken or messed up if they choose not to get married or have kids. WE have free will to DO WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANT TO DO…Just like men can Choose to never marry or be players forever, why cant a woman choose to not want to marry, it really aint nobodys business but YOURS what you do with your life…I DONT KNOW WHEN WE STARTED CARING SO MUCH WHAT SOCIETY SAID OUR STEPS IN LIFE SHOULD BE. BE HAPPY, AND LOVE OTHERS, THAT SHOULD BE YOUR ONLY CONCERN. MY DECISIONS AFFECT MY LIFE…NOT ANYONE ELSES..

    • http://twitter.com/docbndgrl9113 Keesha (Киша)

      THANK YOU!!!!!

  • Janae

    The one important thing that has not been discussed or at least it was touched upon by GM_I is that it would benefit black women to raise son’s with fathers.. The reason why we have a generation of black men who disregard or are indifferent to black women is most are being raised not see the mother being loved, valued or taken care of. That is a major reason why (in my opinion) that a large part of the wealth that is made by black men is enjoyed by non-black women. Black women have dug themselves into a whole. When you look at the sons of wealthy black men, black girls are not even a consideration. Letting your little black boys see their father’s loving you benefits YOU just as much. Non-black women know this.

  • Laila

    Growing up I saw too many single parent households. So many struggled and so many had no interaction with the fathers. Before I even knew where babies came from, I swore I would not have children without marriage. Decades later, I still feel that was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I respect single parents and I know some that get along, but for me I require a committed husband in the home with me interacting with the kids. It melts my heart when I see a child that is enamored of their father.

  • ChiTown Princess

    My was born to parents who were married (and still is 38 years later). I married my husband 13 years ago and had 4 kids (3 daughters ages 10, 7 and 4) and 1 son (age 8) and my husband and I never wanted out of wedlock kids because we both were born to married parents and we hope our kids can do the same when they grow up. Some people may not feel that way, but hey, it’s their life and their choice.

    • http://twitter.com/docbndgrl9113 Keesha (Киша)

      I mean my parents had me out of wedlock, but they got married when I was 10 months old and they are still married over 20 years later. I have to say that my parents knew that they were going to get married anyway when my mom was pregnant with me.

      I get what people are saying, because I have cousins that have had children with men that did not stick around. The unfortunate thing is that one of my cousins had three kids with the same man. I would think that after the first child she would have gotten that a baby wouldn’t make him stay.

  • pickneychile

    I could never put carriage before marriage, especially after watching pretty much ALL my cousins struggle as single parents. It has never been appealing to me whatsoever. I have respect for single parents, but I can’t see how someone would do that to themself on purpose. Maybe a celebrity who has a world of resources, but not a regular person. There’s no mistake in the fact that it takes 2 people to make a baby, so why wouldn’t people think that setup also carries over into being the best foundation for raising the child?

    • yeppers

      Chile you aint NEVER LYING….My single parent cousins had some of the WORST STRUGGLES I HAVE EVER SEEN!!! I would never go down that road…yeah things happen as they did to them. But by seeing that….I KNEW ANY AND ALL PRECAUTIONS TO TAKE TO ENSURE IT NEVER HAPPENED TO ME….I dont play, no babies until marriage. They cute and all, but the devil is a liar if he think Im going to have some man baby who hasnt even taken the step to marry me.

      • Pivyque

        Lol the devil is a liar. I agree with that. I was single and celibate too before I got married to make sure that I would never have kids before I was done getting myself together and my friends thought I was crazy, but avoiding all the problems I saw some of them go through…hmmm…I didn’t mind being crazy lol

  • Rene

    My parents were married and I was miserable! Why? Because my parents were two people who should NEVER have been married! They hardly got along and they just genuinely didn’t like each other. I used to pray (as a child) that they would divorce so my siblings and I could have some peace! Not everything thing is black and white. Being married before having children doesn’t gaurantee having well adjusted children. I suffered in my emotional development because of seeing my parents fight constantly. If they had divorced (like they should have) my siblings and I wouldn’t have had such a messed up childhood. I’m all for marriage but marriage doesn’t gaurantee a thing!

    • yeppers

      How can you GENERALIZE marriages off of YOUR parents tho??? I have shining examples in my family and BAD ones…however who I choose to marry is based upon ME and how they treat ME, not what I saw in my or someone elses home…Im sorry about what happened to you, but that should have no bearing on what anyone else on this board decides to do regarding marriage.

      • Just saying!!

        But you’re generalizing based off of what you heard happened in single-parent homes….. :/ *confused*

        • Guest

          No. Those are facts.

      • Courtney

        She said she’s for marriage, but that it doesn’t guarantee anything –
        that’s not a generalization, that’s a fact. Marriage does NOT guarantee
        anything, but no where in her statement did she say that her experience
        has any bearing on what anyone else should do regarding marriage – she
        was just relaying her experience so that the idea of marriage alone can
        be put into perspective.

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.banks.37 Courtney Banks

      Why be in a relationship with someone in the first place that you can’t stand? More than likely your parents have/had these annoying personality traits, that irritated the other way before you came along.

  • Britt

    Whether you have children before marriage or vice versa is a personal choice; however, I do see too many single mothers my age (and younger) that didn’t give themselves the opportunity to truly live and build themselves before having kid(s). I prefer to have children after marriage, only because I see my future children as an expression of the love that I will have for my husband, and his love for me. As much of a blessing as children and marriage are, waiting until you’re ready is the best choice, because not too many people understand that once you make either choice, IT IS NO LONGER ABOUT YOU.

  • Julonda

    I think the order of getting a education then a job meeting someone getting married and having kids is the wrong order. Much better to have your kids while you are young and then go to school to get the job you want. The marriage will come later it is the capstone to our lives. We need to have our sh** together before we marry. I had kid went to massage school got job and then found the one. What`s wrong with that order ?

    • maggie

      Your schooling took little time. The order you presented is extremely difficult for women who are trying to be doctors, lawyers, engineers, pilots, etc . . You don’t see too many women getting into these fields with children beforehand because the academic demand is too much to be a parent at the same time.

    • LMNOP

      I’d say you’re the exception, not the rule. Glad worked for you but that’s not the reality for most people who have kids before marriage.

    • Kenedy

      Really? Massage school! Trying going to medical school or law school with kids and a couple of jobs, trying to pay bills, being single. People should definitely establish their careers before having kids, It will benefit your family, unless your career goal is to be a housewife, and thats fine too, but trust me, its not easy trying to balance school and kids

    • yeppers

      You went to MASSAGE SCHOOL….not trying to down your chosen profession because Im sure you NEEDED to do that in order to feed and clothe your child. However what my dear is wrong with a woman wanting to be a med school doctor, or a lawyer or own a company, who needs to spend hours and nights in a lab, in the law library, or toiling away building a company DAY/NIGHT Sleeping maybe 4 hours a night??….where do they find the time for a screaming child??? Everyone doesnt want that reality you live sweetheart, its ok because you gotta do what you gotta do, but as a young woman growing my own company, working a corporate job, i dont have the time to dedicate to a child/homework/playdates..etc. I will have a HUSBAND BEFORE I HAVE ANYONES CHILD who I have tested and know hes a good man, who will be my partner in raising HIS child, while we both continue to build our lives. Getting your sh.. together IS MUCH HARDER WHEN YOU HAVE A MOUTH TO FEED WOULDNT YOU SAY??? IF THATS NOT PUTTING THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE I DONT KNOW WHAT IS.

    • SheBe

      SMH…

    • Chey

      Really?

  • Val

    We can still hold true to our ideals and values without being judgemental of others whose reality may not reflect those ideals. The problem emerges when we alter our ideals to fit our reality. It is best to wait until after marriage to concieve children.

  • Reese

    I thought I was on my way down the aisle when I got pregnant with my daughter. I definitely put the horse before the buggy and that’s a decision I have to live with. At this point in time I’m glad I didn’t marry my daughter’s father because he has shown me what he is truly about and my daughter and myself would be in a worse off position if we would have gotten married. But my best advice to people is to get married before they have kids I definitely wish I would have done so.

  • Reese

    I thought I was on my way down the aisle when I got pregnant with my daughter. I definitely put the horse before the buggy and that’s a decision I have to live with. At this point in time I’m glad I didn’t marry my daughter’s father because he has shown me what he is truly about and my daughter and myself would be in a worse off position if we would have gotten married. But my best advice to people is to get married before they have kids I definitely wish I would have done so.

    • Jaz

      @ Reese

      Mistakes happen and I’m glad you are woman enough to own up to it, that speaks volume about your character.

      I think most people, today, get married and have children as means to validate their existence. As an educator, I see this with parents all the time. We call them “helicopter parents.” Those are the parents who have no interest in emotionally and physically connecting with their children, especially during the adolescent years (that requires time away from me-me-me and we aint got time for that), but are so quick to jump in to ensure that their children are maintaining the image of perfection: perfect grades, perfect test scores, honor roll awards– anything to add to my mom and dad’s self-serving success– even when it’s not benefiting the children.

      A person above mentioned something about knowing she would be a great parent but not great wife. I was foolish to think the same way until I realized that part of being a great mom is giving my children an opportunity to have a man who is willing to be actively involved in their lives and mine. Great parents work effortlessly to create a union that teaches their children, through commitment and perseverance, what love is.

      • Val

        I find your assesment of why people get married to be rather judgemental.

        • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

          Obviously being a single mom means my child is fatherless. Thanks for telling me!

          • Val

            Where did you read that? I said none of that

            • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

              Not directed to you. Even though these scenarios are not mutually exclusive, people seem to think single parenthood is synonymous with fatherlessness. Not usually the case.

              • Val

                thats true :) not synonymous

  • Atin

    We live in a selfish society. I think that’s why people don’t want children. But ultimately, it’s their life and they live with their decisions. I think it’s sad that people don’t value marriage anymore. Marriage isn’t for everyone, it says that in the New Testament. But people that do get married, divorce so quickly. People end marriages at the first sign of trouble and that’s crazy. People are all about me, me, me and that’s why marriages are failing.

    • Reese

      Co-sign! Marriage has lost its value in society. We live in a me-me-me society. Most married people don’t want to work through the hard times anymore.

      • Atin

        So true. It’s like everybody wants things the easy way.

    • Just saying!!

      This is very true, but I must admit I am rather convicted about it. I’m only 22, but I do worry about being an old cat lady, and I really don’t want to be. I honestly can’t see myself marrying anyone out there. I honestly can’t. I can’t even see myself falling in love with any of the men that I’ve met in this country. …and the thought of spending the rest of my life with one just for the sake of having kids would drive me crazy. I think it’s more important that two people co-parent well, instead of be married and dislike each other, because thats not good for the kids either. So I would agree with you that it isn’t for everyone, but society is so HARD on people that choose not to marry.

  • Kam

    I believe that a child needs two parents who love and support them regardless of if they are married or not. If your married and miserable kids pick up on that and that to me is far more damaging than two people who have a kid and never married.

    • Just saying!!

      This is the most sensible comment I’ve read on this article!

  • bigdede

    I just can’t have children if I’m not married. I can’t. My siblings did and when people ask me if I have any kids, first thing I tell them is I’m not married. For me marriage and kids go hand in hand. There is no I can have one but not the other. JMO

    • yeppers

      THANK YOU….and theres nothing wrong this that hun. Im the SAME WAY…ive have family members that have 3 kids by 3 men etc., and its not affected me in the least, i still am on my path that I choose. I too look at people side eye when they know Im not married and ask about kids. Its such a norm these days its CRAZY…Im from the old school and YOU JUST DONT DO THAT…Sorry, not sorry.

      IF anyone reading this has then thats your choice…You cant bash someone for choosing not to, the same way you dont want someone trashing you for having kids not married.

    • Stanley 001

      Good!

  • JMO

    When it comes to blacks and the statistics about their love lives I couldn’t care even a little bit what the rest of “us” are doing. I have my own destiny/path that is in no way affected by what other blacks do with their relationships. However, if we want to discuss poverty/education inequalities/ count me in on the reformation movement. But the thought of James & Keshia “worsening” OUR statistics makes me think; who cares? I don’t measure my life based on African American love life statistics. Maybe that’s just me.

    • SMHgurl24

      Omg say it loud and proud!! Smartest comment I’ve seen today!

    • yeppers

      PREACH!!!!! Im sick of all these stats acting like something is wrong with us for wanting to live one way or another…I am celibate and will abstain until marriage, and only have kids with my HUSBAND. I dont care HOW MANY articles i read on why i should or should not…this is MY BODY and what i choose to do with it is MY BUSINESS…just like you said Im not basing my life off of what stats say or what society thinks is cute and works. I have my own destiny/purpose to follow out and that isnt contingent on what another person is doing. Best comment ive read on here.

    • yeppers

      PREACH!!!!! Im sick of all these stats acting like something is wrong with us for wanting to live one way or another…I am celibate and will abstain until marriage, and only have kids with my HUSBAND. I dont care HOW MANY articles i read on why i should or should not…this is MY BODY and what i choose to do with it is MY BUSINESS…just like you said Im not basing my life off of what stats say or what society thinks is cute and works. I have my own destiny/purpose to follow out and that isnt contingent on what another person is doing. Best comment ive read on here.

    • michaelderrick

      This is the most selfish and ignorånt comment i have ever read ! You don’t live in a vacuum, what other around you do and don’t do affect you directly or indirectly.

  • maggie

    Black people need to stop trying to rewrite the rule. Two parents at home in a marriage is better for children in every area. How many different statistics need to show us horrible numbers before we check this hyperindividualism we call success?

    • http://www.facebook.com/toni.clark.1217 Clark Toni

      If the two people are dysfunctional what difference will it make. Two healthy parents and not miserable parent.Each person has to make a choice, and decide what is right and healthy for them!!!

      • michaelderrick

        If the two people are dysfunctional you find a new partner !

        • GeekMommaRants

          The point is a marriage does not make better parents. Sometimes these folks are dysfunctional. Marriage is not a panacea, it has not been very successful as of late.

          I think a real solution to this issue to teach relationship classes and require pre-martial counseling before a wedding can happen. This and addressing chronic unemployment will change this situation, Shaming will not wok.

      • http://twitter.com/docbndgrl9113 Keesha (Киша)

        Maggie obviously isn’t talking about two dysfunctional people living together. -__-

  • Bits

    there are many factors that measure into this equation of if marriage is still important when it comes to raising children. first i absolutely agree marriage, like college and other ‘societal norms’ is not for everybody. some people just don’t do well being monogamous or in committed relationships. I don’t think the inability to be monogamous means that you will not be a good parent. Also we are all forgetting that the purpose of marriage from its origin had nothing to do with religion or raising children and everything to do with the socially elite/royalty keeping their wealth ‘in the family’. marriage was used as the legal way to ensure wealth for the elites family tree. In later years it was used as a way for women to protect themselves in a patriarchal society in which they had no rights. It is known that what children need most is love and support from a community that they feel safe in. This can come from any type of family structure and is not unique to the traditional married couple. the bottom line is it doesn’t matter if their is a ring and a contract involved or two people committed to providing a loving/supportive life for their child. Marriage is not the end all be all of raising children.

  • Pingback: Ramona DeBreaux » Here Comes The Baby Carriage…But What Happened To The Marriage?

  • Marie

    I’m 23 years old and I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I grew up Christian (and still am) but marriage should be for far other reasons than religious purposes. I truly believe I would be setting my child up for failure If I chose not to marry and still give birth. I have NEVER seen a baby daddy/baby momma parenting method work. If a man isn’t good enough to be your husband, then why is he good enough to be your child’s father? I just don’t some random guy to impregnate me just because he looks good, appears healthy and speaks decent English. There are too many foster kids in the system (many with special needs and other emotional problems) for me to take this lightly. NO, marriages do not always work out but at least there was an attempt to start a family and the father will more than likely have some connection to their child because he ONCE loved and dedicated himself to the child’s mother. A child deserves TWO loving and married parents. The end result isn’t always so but don’t deny them this privilege before they are even conceived.

    • JMO

      Hmm you have some points and I agree with you on the sanctity of marriage, but you have it way wrong about parenting not working between two parents who aren’t married. I’ve seen it work with my parents (who were once young & in love) and many many many other people. Does it have its troubles? Yes. but raising kids comes with troubles no matter what. Also, I am completely against marrying just because you got pregnant.

    • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

      And marriages guarantee what? I think my children would be better of than a child from divorce. I have seen co parenting relationships work, even between people who were once married. Married poele have some of the nastiest break ups.

      • http://www.myspace.com/CoolBreeze Cool Breeze

        It’s ok, don’t make excuses for how you feel. If you want to be a baby mama that’s cool. You’ll be in good company with the rest of immoral black women. Enjoy explaining your immoral choices to God.

        • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

          Stay off black women sites spewing black women hatred. You need to focus on black men and their inability to commit to the women having their babies. Black women would probably follow suit.

          • http://www.myspace.com/CoolBreeze Cool Breeze

            I don’t date black women so I don’t care what you do. i just don’t want to pay for your kids. And we know how much you women love gov assistance.

            • Plain Jane

              I get what you’re saying, but that statement was not cool. I was all with you until pulled that gov’t assistance card. They’re are more white people on gov’t assistance than black people, look it up. If you don’t care about black women because you don’t date them, then why are you on madame noire (translation: Mrs. Black)? You should have addressed this on a personal blog or something and cited this article. If little snow bunnies (judging by your icon picture) is what you like, be up under them. There’s nothing wrong with interracial relationships, so don’t take offense before reading through the rest my response. Do not come onto a website that empowers black women and try ridicule them. You should have said what you felt about the article in a respectful manner and went on about your day.

              • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

                Thank you. And for the record, I am a biochemical engineer, and my unborn’s father is a successful lawyer with his own firm. We make more in a year than you’ve made in your life. He is white, but I don’t put down or hate black men just to be with him. Cool Breeze has more issues than one, hop off Madamenoire.

                • http://www.myspace.com/CoolBreeze Cool Breeze

                  Sure he is. Give me the name of the firm.

                  • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

                    Do you know how to read? I NEVER said I was married. I said that we are together. Don’t get mad because I’m not that angry, bitter, lonesome black woman you wanted to label me as. I don’t need to lie to you. I’m a black woman, why do you care so much? Yes, I am more successful than you and your Becky combined, and like I said before, my man and I make more in a year than you have made in your life. Fall back. I’m unmarried, dummy. I had just spoke on marriage, nothing else.

                • Chey

                  Regardless of your jobs, you still sound like you’re hell bent on being “baby mama”. But, do you!

              • http://www.myspace.com/CoolBreeze Cool Breeze

                I could have, but I didn’t. If you women weren’t on welfare like high # you wouldn’t have responded. Black women = welfare.

                • Plain Jane

                  Do you have any facts to support this? For the record, I’m biracial (italian mother, african american father) so I would appreciate it if you didn’t refer to me “you women” and I’m not on welfare either. I pray for your biracial daughters, who god forbid have a baby out of wedlock and come in contact with a rather ignorant (meaning uneducated) person such as yourself. I repeat, I agree with you; you should be married to have children so don’t jump into defensive mode please. That is just my opinion; marriage first, then children.
                  And since you chose to be disrespectful, I might as well say what I wanted to say from my first response: Was your ‘black’ mother on welfare when raising you? Because you sure ‘know’ a lot about black women and welfare. I mean come on now…

                  I REPEAT: you made some good points about the TOPIC of the article, until you went off on a disrespectful, inaccurate tangent.

                  Where I come from, you show up on the 10 o’clock news as a missing person for speaking the way you are right now. So, just be mindful please because you may be behind a computer screen, but there are ways people can find you. And it doesn’t help that your icon picture is actually you (I hope) might I add.

                  • http://www.myspace.com/CoolBreeze Cool Breeze

                    if u want some come get some.

            • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

              Then go to a white woman blog site and tell them how much you worship them and would jump at licking the dog s**t from the bottom of their shoes. Good bye.

              • SMHgurl24

                Don’t feed the trolls please!!

        • Just saying!!

          This is why no one likes debating with irrational religious people. You don’t know how to think for yourself and yet you are trying to force your beliefs on everyone else. People get married for the wrong reasons all the time (money, pregnant, status), are they right for it? Looking at your little photo you have no business talking about morals. Get a life and get some damn class. Good luck explaining your judgmental, unchristian behaviors to God.

          **Written by a 22 year old virgin (in case you assumed I was a baby mama or “immoral”)

    • Reese

      No baby daddy/baby momma relationships don’t work. But co-parenting does and it’s a big difference between that and a “baby momma/baby daddy” relationship. I know plenty of people who are not married to their child’s parent but their children are well-adjusted and loved because their parents are mature and know how to co-parent.

    • Reese

      No baby daddy/baby momma relationships don’t work. But co-parenting does and it’s a big difference between that and a “baby momma/baby daddy” relationship. I know plenty of people who are not married to their child’s parent but their children are well-adjusted and loved because their parents are mature and know how to co-parent.

      • Val

        Im going to be honest here and say the majority unmarried women with children I know have alot of drama.

        • yeppers

          Same here…there are too many AWFUL examples of this in MOST of our lives to actually see this as a viable option….I guess some women are desperate to keep a man that they let whatever fool they with at the moment trick them into this mess…I dont have the time tho or the patience.

    • Just saying!!

      My parents are not married but we all live in the same house. Does that still apply? Because I turned out pretty great….

      • yeppers

        Thats on your parents what they decided to do….You are your own person and can do what you want to do. Just because your parents HAD to do something doesnt mean everyone HAS to do it or that it was the BEST decision ever made.You dont know what went on INSIDE your parents relationship (INTIMATELY) or the innerworkings that caused them to live together without getting married…You turned out fine, but at the end of the day THEY lived that relationship NOT YOU, you turning out fine could have just been a blessing. BECAUSE THERE ARE OTHER CHILDREN THAT DO NOT!!

    • ttoya

      Baby Marie your wasting your breath on these baby mama’s they settle for less and then want the government to help them carry their burden. If a woman thinks she’s able to have a baby all on her own go ahead, but I think the government and working folks shouldn’t assist stupidity

    • http://twitter.com/docbndgrl9113 Keesha (Киша)

      I absolutely agree!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.banks.37 Courtney Banks

    Men get it to.. You don’t know the countless comments on this website and others like it, where if a man doesn’t settle down that automatically means he’s gay, or he suffered some childhood trauma and can’t commit to one woman.

  • Laine

    I would love to have children, more so than to be a wife. Therefore, I’m not against having children with a man that’s not going to be more than a donor. I also don’t think that children with one parent are doomed to fail in society. However, I do think I might be selfish to do that to my future children, rob them of another parent, you know?

    • GM_I

      It is a selfish decision no matter how u look at it. Majority, if not all children (boys especially), want & NEED an active father to help guide them through the hardships of life & when it comes to boys to be a role model & help shape his future into manhood. You & women who decide to go into parenthood alone deny them of that very right. Don’t get me wrong, its your choice to do it or not becuz u also have the right to be selfish if u choose to be. Those questions of “Who is my father, where did I come from, who are my relatives/siblings on my fathers side of the family” etc will always float around their head, no way around it. Some do get over it tho (I doubt completely but I’m not a mind reader). I also believe that “Marriage” isn’t the answer nor is it necessary (IMO it causes more problems than it solves). What is needed the most is the ability and DESIRE to want to be parents & co-parent with who u choose to have kids with, even after any breakup that happens down the road. Problem is, most women are giving birth to men who never wanted kids or never wanted kids with her, but she wanted it with them with him for generally irrational & stupid reasons.

      Another issue is lack of communication. Many of u women either don’t discuss child-bearing & rearing with ur significant other or whomever ur smashin at the time & just assume a situation will automatically work itself out in ur own favor smh. The women who do speak up about kids also have an issue with ending a relationship with a man who states he doesn’t want kids, doesn’t want them with a particular woman or has ZERO POTENTIAL of a being a suitable father or shows any traits of being a capable loving father. Once upon a time, the shame of a woman having an out of wedlock baby was enough to keep the masses from doing it, now they’re just too ashamed to admit they got pregnant & gave birth for all the wrong reasons. I understand why tho, hard to think or sound like u didn’t want or don’t want ur child after its already been born into the world & brings u some type of joy. I know with me personally, I don’t want marriage or kids. Mainly becuz I don’t want to deal with the hassles that come with parenthood, as well as, having my own children used as a weapon against me by greedy women & a court system. Becuz I am a young black man with a successful & bright future ahead of me. I do & will fall into the category of men with the means to support a family as one should be but has chosen to opt out becuz its just too risky IMO. Also, since I don’t want a marriage, nor do I see myself with just one woman the rest of my life, I can see a woman using my kids against me out of spite or jealousy (not saying I cheated, just moved on), becuz I see it so much in the black community but its actually worse in the white community the way their women use kids as a come up, cuz their men definitely have money to take lol. I know I couldn’t handle having my kids used like pawns for revenge, I’d start contemplating killing the br0ad and I don’t really want to deal with any of the baby mama drama or gender-biased court system of the country I live in. I’m cool being an uncle to my nephews, I get to experience the same things most fathers do, with none of the negatives really. Win win situation for me personally.

      • SMHgurl24

        Dunno what happened to my other comment so imma make this quick. A good parent is a good parent. If you are upfront with your child, there should be absolutely nothing wrong with raising them alone. I will never understand where people get the children all of a sudden pining for the absent parent. Children learn from those around them, any hard times they have can be dealt with by the LOVED ones surrounding them. Children are probably the most tolerant human beings in the world, if you raise them right and are alone, you probably did more than any two household parent ever has. The two parent household belief was started by society and will change with society. Also if the reason you won’t get married is because you fear baby momma drama I suggest you take a good look at the women you date. Smart women don’t have time for some fool who doesn’t want them

        • http://www.facebook.com/leslie.boyd2 Leslie M. Boyd

          I agree with you up to the part about the two parent household belief was started by society. I understood it to be started by God as a sacred union that would give two people companionship and sexual freedom. I am going by 1 Corinthians.

          • Just saying!!

            I am going to speak for everyone who is not religious and does not believe in religion when I say, I disagree.

            Marriage is a man made institution…a LEGAL union. Otherwise two people can be together and have companionship without that.

            (Not to mention the Bible was written at a time when there were no condoms so it makes sense to say “wait until marriage”…but thats a topic for another conversation hehehe.)

            So yah…

            • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

              Agree

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ally-Mills/100001564479036 Ally Mills

          I have to disagree with you. The persons I know that were raised only by their mothers really grew up to either resent or be disappointed that their father was never around.

          • SMHgurl24

            Like I said the two parent household belief was started by society and will change with society. They say a child is a product of its environment so if we have people pushing for two parent households, a child is going to resent that which isn’t there. I am guessing that you think a child has some instinctual drive to seek the other half who created him/her (father in this case)?? I am not really sure about that besides general curiousity of where they came from which is normal. Parents must to be upfront about these things so that they can work with the child. If a child really wants to meet their father then its up to the mother how she feels is best for the child at that age. A good parent (single or not) takes all factors into account when dealing with these issues.

            • Chey

              At some point or another, the child WILL wonder about their mother/father (the absent parent), regardless of how “good” a parent may be. I guarantee it.

          • http://www.myspace.com/CoolBreeze Cool Breeze

            Look!! I think black women like being single baby mama’s cause if you wanted to be hitched you would say no to s3x before marriage, but that’s not going to happen now is it? Getting laid is too important to black women for you to give a man a ultimatium.

            • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

              Well, if black women are having sex before marriage, that means black men are as well. You stay winning LOL

              • ttoya

                Yeah but black men aren’t the ones on welfare ,section8, foodstamps need I say more? I cant wait till a Republican gets back in office

        • yeppers

          I would agree…but ME… I AM THAT CHILD THAT YOU KEEP REFERRING TO WITH A PARENT THAT LEFT AND HAS NEVER SPOKEN TO OR RETURNED….Its easier said than done that a child will never want to know what happened to a parent that left and only needs those who surround them. I was loved unconditionally by an amazing family and single mom but still wonder why this man up and left and has NEVER wondered what happened to his child….You cant speak on all abandoned childrens experience sweetheart, we all internalize and deal with it in a different way, i dont care how we are brought up otherwise.

          • SMHgurl24

            I never said that a child will never want to know what happened to their other parent, I said a good parent MUST be upfront with the situation involving absent parents (or whatever you wanna call it). Of course a child is going to wonder where or why the other parent left and a mother (or father) should explain why they are not there. I said in a comment below me that society up until this point pushed a two parent household which is why children have mixed feelings growing up and you should care how this structure works because you are part of it! I can bet within the next 10 years, there will be no two parent household push and children will live happy, healthy lives with their single parent.

          • GM_I

            Thank you. The opinions that get disregarded by most are people such as yourself that experienced what only most just talk about but never lived, and say “they’ll be alright, they’ll get over it cuz I’ll help them, they don’t need another parent I’ll be both mama & daddy”. They’re just telling themselves whatever they need to justify a decision they already made, that way they wont feel so guilty about the outcome after the fact.

        • GM_I

          You’re stereotyping & giving a lot of women too much credit. A woman doesn’t have to be a ratchet chick from the hood to give u baby mama drama smh. Plenty of so-called “classy” women are just as much drama as any project chick. You’re problem, and the problem with many women like urself who have a high opinion about urself, think that majority of women have the exact same mentality as you do handling situations. You’re the type who bases a persons job/career as the only means necessary to determine if that person is good or bad & that’s not the case. At the end of the day, regardless of whatever walk of life a woman is in, personally, professionally or financially, when it comes to children & being a baby mama, many of them resort to the same tactics. They’re nothing more than different roads that lead to the same destination, which is my wallet being raped in court. That is something I don’t want to ever have to do or be burdened with. So, the solution is not to have children, not to get married & therefore I am free to do as I please and don’t have to worry about being financially taken advantage of with some br0ad tryna empty my bank accounts, or emotionally manipulated having my own kids used as weapons against me which many men have in the past & still are suffering from today. The baby mama drama is only one aspect as to why I don’t want marriage/kids, I have more cons compared to pros, so it would be stupid for me to subject myself to that life I want nothing to do with, when I have the means & knowledge to prevent it.

          • SMHgurl24

            I said smart women. Smart people can be seen anwhere from the hood to upscale places because intelligence isn’t class restricted. Its amazing how you got a full view of my personalty from one statement. Lol of course its all wrong so lemme straighten things out for you. While I expect and sometimes have the urge to kick some of my friends and family for making decisions that I wouldn’t even dream of doing, I always attempt to understand where they are coming from. No I do not sit on my high horse judging others because I know that the world is not one sided. You could never be far from the truth that I am some class snob hun. Some of my closest friends and the greatest people I have ever met do not have high paying jobs or even careers.

            • SMHgurl24

              As for myself yes I do think highly of myself and am not ashamed to say it. I give out my greatest respect and trust and while I don’t expect the same level of sincerity back, I do expect my loved ones to hold me to a level of respect. I am the type of person who will drop everything and see to the needs of someone I love at the drop of a hat. You don’t see that nowadays and I pride myself in that. As for yourself.. well… I’ve seen your type before and its hard not to laugh at your arrogance. Your the type of man that thinks every woman wants you because you have high goals. I can honestly say any woman who puts up with guys like you is either a fool or mentality unstable because a SMART woman has no time to stroke someone’s ego.

              • GM_I

                SMART women don’t have no time to stroke a man’s d1xk neither, most likely reason their lonely & stay losing to these dumb h03z who get wifed up all the time lol

            • GM_I

              You’re self-absorbed too lol. You only made a response based off a couple of sentences I made about u, completely ignoring the majority & main points of the comment u just responded to smh. I never said I had a full view of ur personality, I made an observation of part of ur personality based on ur comments regarding the topic of conversation. I did it again with the first sentence of this comment ur reading now as well. the main point of my previous comment & all my comments regarding the matter, is that it doesn’t matter how smart, dumb, ratchet, classy, career-driven or lazy a female is because the option to get knocked up and drain a mans wallet/bank account using his kids against him or getting married & then divorced after some time are AVAILABLE TO ALL WOMEN. I make a living off taking risk, calculated risk that will net me lucrative rewards, and marriage/children are risk that barely ever result in rewards, only significant losses for men. Therefore, LOGICALLY, it makes the most sense to avoid both marriage & having kids if that is an outcome I don’t want to suffer as many men already have. I don’t have to learn from many of my own mistakes becuz I’ve already learned a lot from others mistakes. You don’t need to tell me about urself, majority ppl have a biased opinion about themselves and would rarely talk down or bad about themselves even if they’re guilty of being those things, so save all that “let me tell u who I am” crap for someone who gives a f*ck, and if u haven’t gotten the hint yet, I’m not one of them lol ;^P

              • SMHgurl24

                I responded to every point you made in your comments and you felt the need to come back and insult me. Sir have a seat, you are nothing even remotely special. Its clear your opinions stem from only what you see outside your door and while I was at first trying to have a civil conversation with you, its clear you don’t know how to do that. Enjoy your life..

      • Yes

        I agree with males needing father figures. Til this day my boyfriend wishes he had his father around to help him through changes and the experience of being a man. Like he said, his mother can only tell him so much.

      • http://twitter.com/docbndgrl9113 Keesha (Киша)

        I’m not going to place the blame solely on the women though because there are many men who make the choice to either not to be in their children’s life or to not be a good influence on them.

        I just know that I am not going to have kids until I am married to the man that I know will love and respect me for the rest of our lives and will be a great father to our children.

        • GM_I

          I’m not blamin the woman completely either. They get 90% of the blame tho lol. I say that becuz its women who choose who they sleep with, its women who know if they’re on & taking birth control properly, its women who also have the right to suggest a man wear a condom before engaging in relations, its women who have the legal right to say no if the man doesn’t want to wear protection & if he continues without ur consent can press rape charges against him, its women who can choose to abort unborn kids, give them up for adoption if they give birth, as well as, abandon them at hospitals/police/fire stations no questions asked. The women who have kids with bums, broke ninjas, convicted felons, gang bangers, dope boys, pimps, man-wh0r3z, liars, cheaters, deadbeats, bad boys & men who have no interest or show no interest in fatherhood, give birth to these mens kids becuz they choose to do so (mostly for the dumbest & selfish reasons imaginable). At the end of the day, ppl are who they are, nothing other than their own will & desires can change them. So, if women have kids by men as the ones I stated, its mostly the women fault becuz those men are just being themselves. The real problem is the desire of so many women wanting these types of men to be the fathers of their kids. That’s why its mostly women who are blame all the time for these outcomes & the bazturd h311spawns they keep spitting out into the world.

    • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

      People think that children from two parent homes are way better off, and while there are SOME advantages, that is not the case. I would make a great mother,but wife? I’ll think about that. I have desired to be a mom, but marriage is not it for me. I might change my mind, but I don’t think that just because I have a baby, I have to take the man too. I’d rather NOT get married knowing my heart isn’t fully in it than to get married and play with someone’s emotions. There should he many reasons people get married, not just for children, either. I don’t want to get married and then be asked “who do you love more, me or the kids?” Too much to deal with.

      • maggie

        Some advantages? You are misinformed.

        • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

          Yes, some advantages.

          • http://www.myspace.com/CoolBreeze Cool Breeze

            stop making excuses because you want to be a baby mama.

            • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

              You don’t know me, a** clown. Move around

              • http://www.myspace.com/CoolBreeze Cool Breeze

                I don’t need too baby mama.

                • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

                  *to* English 101. Trying to be offensive, but can’t be. Fail

              • yeppers

                You claim to not LOVE the man….but willing to be TIED TO HIM FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE FOR SOME CHILDREN….chile please WHO WANT THEM TYPE OF TROUBLES IN THIER LIFE…If thats what happened and you didnt plan it FINE! But to sit up here and have a baby with some bum that you dont love or want only to have to see his face every other day NO THANK YOU…IM NOT SIGNING UP FOR THAT MESS EVEN ON THE SUNNIEST DAY, I DONT CARE WHAT THE HELL I HAVE SEEN IN OTHER PEOPLES HOUSE, IT AINT GOING ON IN THIS ONE…Yall need to want more for yourselves and for your kids too. if you are already in it, then theres nothing you can do MAKE THE BEST OF IT, but as a woman who doesnt have kids yet, i want to give MYSELF AND MY FUTURE FAMILY THE BEST CHOICES AND LIFE POSSIBLE…That means building a career and finding a man that values me the same way I value myself and nothing less. Theres no reason to accept less than in your life…no excuses.

                • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

                  I was speaking in gist, not necessarily about me. These are sentiments I have felt, but I don’t need a pastor, white dress or a ring to be with someone. I said I don’t necessarily want marriage, I didn’t say I would never get married. I think I said that in my original post. Fatherhood should not be contingent upon my My marital status. Marriage doesn’t guarantee a great parent. The people who are parents decide that. There is a debate as to whether marriage in the traditional sense is even possible nowadays, considering people and their commitment issues. There are other ways to parent and do it successfully without marriage.

                  • yeppers

                    Well at the END of the day…thats where we can agree to disagree. For me and my body, you not having ANY kids with me until you have proved you are a stable husband…theres not a single compromise i will give in this case. I deserve a HUSBAND and my child deserves a FATHER who is married to his MOTHER. If I cant deem you a viable candiadate to marry me then you dam shol wont be a candidate to have a child with. I WAS RAISED BY A SINGLE MOTHER AND NEVER SAW MY FATHER AFTER THE AGE OF 2 AND HAVE THIS LEVEL OF SENSE…I was taught to want more and never play games when it came to stuff like that. We all deserve this…theres not a woman in this world that does not. You not a father to my child if you havent shown you are a committed husband to me…one shows me your SERIOUSNESS FOR THE OTHER. no excuses or exceptions. Im just not the playing around type…maybe some of you are… my mother did it the right way and it didnt even work out for her…but that doesnt mean its not possible.

                    • true

                      PREACH!!!

                  • ttoya

                    Another baby mama in the making or just another trifling baby mama

                • MLS2698

                  +1!

                • http://twitter.com/docbndgrl9113 Keesha (Киша)

                  I wish I could hug you right now!!! You’re reading my mind lol!

            • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

              I NEVER said that I was married. You are an idiot. We are in a relationship. You need to read to comprehend. I’m not married.

            • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

              I would like for you to tell me when i said I was married. I never said that I was married. Go home to your black woman.

            • Guest

              That’s what she already is.

          • maggie

            No,they are not devoid of dysfunction but the numbers (statistics for education, income, identity, behavior, etc.) are not in the single home favor, by a landslide. Drop the ego before a child has to suffer.

            • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

              Single parent does not = fatherlessness. Seriously.

              • GM_I

                Of course it doesn’t, not 100% of time. But factually speaking, there are more single mothers, than single fathers in comparison rearing children. That can’t be disputed, and the outcomes of those situations have been well-documented, researched & studied to know the likely outcome of it will be negative to both the child & community/society.

              • ttoya

                I made a mistake and checked ^ I meant to down vote because this girl is talking crazy

      • Just saying!!

        This is so sincere and honest. People will always judge honesty but it’s real. I feel horrible because at this point the only reason I’m looking forward to marriage is because of kids. I can’t envision myself being happily married just because….and that’s kind of sad…especially considering that I would like to save my virginity for marriage LOL. but nonetheless its true. I just want the kids. It makes me angry that i have to deal with a man too, but given that I was raised with 2 parents I couldn’t see myself doing it any other way. I just hope I don’t resent the father of my children because I have to deal with him when I really don’t want to.

        • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

          I respect that. Different stroke, ya know? I feel as though I am happy in my relationship, so why get married. My man and I are in a good place. There is always room for convincing, I might change my mind one day. I know my unborn’s father will always be there, and I would never take that away should we break up. It’s not fair to the kid.

          • ttoya

            U need a reality check . Check back in a couple of years when you struggling with a couple of bas-tard kids.

        • Chey

          Then why would you get married in the first place?! You’re headed for divorce before you even get the damn ring!

          • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

            Not really. I wouldn’t marry unless I was serious about it. He’s a bit old school. I suppose the love and effort I put in now could be done in a marriage, since that’s how we live anyways. But I never say never. That’s why that is still an option. I do love him, and we would have to sit down and have some serious communication, which I feel is coming after I give birth.

            • Chey

              Good for you. I was not talking to you.

        • GM_I

          I feel sorry for whomever is the poor bazturd that knocks u up and puts a ring on it cuz he will be destined to have his ba11z ripped off in family court & trampled on by a”Million woMan March” lol…whats really messed up is he wont even understand why, becuz the fate of his marriage has already been decided by you before he even met you & there isn’t a thing he could do about it smh. Yeah, there is gonna be so much resentment/hate within that relationship & situation after its all over, and those kids gon be the first & main things dragged into it too. Especially, if all u want is the kids, he may try to hit u where it will hurt, try to get full custody of the kids (prolly be unsuccessful but the process is tiring, stressful & expensive), and that will be the main motivation behind a tactic like that, making the other person miserable by any means necessary. So, glad im not gonna be bout that life…good luck to u tho, my condolences to ur future children lol

    • Alexis

      It’s important to pay attention to words when someone speaks. You said, which I’m not knocking, just trying to understand, that you’d love to have kids more than being a wife. I find that a little odd. You follow up with therefore, you’re not against having children with a man that’s not going to be more than a donor. What you’re saying speaks to a certain type of male, which actually isn’t the one any woman should be pregnant by, but often pursue. It’s like you have your mind made up that you can’t get marriage or a man of decent character to stay so you’d rather just accept things for the way they are. There are men out there who do vaule a mother and a wife, don’t sell yourself short by assuming they don’t exist. We too often as people try to rationalize what’s around us and work with what we feel like we can’t control.

No thanks