Breaking “The Code”: Is It Ever Okay To Date Your Friend’s Ex?

April 20, 2013 ‐ By Brooke Dean

When it comes to dating your friend’s ex, most of us know “The Code.”  It’s that Girl Code that contains the unspoken rule that dating your friend’s ex is TOTALLY out of the question. He’s off limits…period. But are there any “loopholes” when it comes to this “rule?” For example, what if they dated in high school and you’re now 40 years old and your best friend is married to another amazing guy? What then? Is it okay to go after a friend’s ex after a certain amount of time has passed?

Dating is hard, and when there are slim pickin’s, it’s not easy to just toss a good guy aside. If there is a genuine interest, a real chemistry and a feeling deep in your heart telling you that he might be The One, are you supposed to ignore that because of the “Code?” Or…do you follow your heart,friendship be damned? It’s tricky, but not unheard of. If you have your sights set on your friend’s ex, consider these things before you break the “Code.”

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  • Jess

    National talk show casting friends in this very situation!

    Are you dating one of your friends Ex’s? Is your friend upset about it, or acting different around you? Do you want to mend things with your friend, or get some advice on how to make things better. Or, is one of your friends dating one of your Ex’s, and do you not feel comfortable with it. If you’re dating one of your friend’s Ex’s, and want to make things right with her, we want to hear from you!


  • Sarah

    I honestly don’t understand this whole “code” thing. Everyone always says there’s so many people in the world, why go for a friends’s ex, but in reality it’s not that easy to meet people you have a connection with, despite how many other people there are out there. Two of my best friends I met because they had flings with my ex boyfriend of 4 years after we broke up. Thankfully that didn’t stop me from getting to know them, because they are now my super close friends! If you broke up, you need to move on. You shouldn’t act like you own someone that is no longer part of your life. It has nothing to do with trust or loyalty of that friend, unless they had an affair or cheated on you! If it’s done, it’s done and you can’t control who your ex is with.

  • Syde

    No! That’s gross- too close for comfort. Personally I don’t find guys attractive if they have been involved with my friends past or present in any shape or form. He’ll be like tainted, spoiled, contaminated, used, damaged goods (u catch my drift) Your past is ur past but with a friiend as his past i would fully aware! I’d know too much! I would be pretty peed off if my friend dated an ex I had been in love with, other exes not to bothered about!I don’t stay friends with exes and I wouldn’t want them back in my life once my they start dating my friend! How awkward would that be- he said “he ‘I love you’ on a romantic beach” oh! “He said that to me too” Not so special now are u?! Loool

  • Keith the Man

    Personally! I couldn’t fall in love or have true feelings for one of my bestfriend’s ex. As much as he is a brother, she is a sister to me. ALWAYS AND FOREVER. You can’t have the HOTS for your sister. Can you imagine having sex her knowing how your brother, bestfriend, or even some you knew, etc, had her. That would be unclean and filthy. You are better than that folks. There are plenty of apples on the appletree rather taking someone’s LEFTOVERS. That’s grimy. Stay clean folks. Peace!!!!!

  • Nope

    This code actually makes more sense to me than the silly one of not getting involved with a man that one of your girlfriends has “dibs” on.

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  • get real

    There’s to many men and woman out here for anybody to want to have sex behind their friend. But I will say this, a lot of people do like to cut eyes at each other when the boyfriend or girlfriend head is turned.

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  • mikesdababy

    Naw!!! You never do dat. “

  • flygyrldev

    I told a friend of mine that I thought my child’s father would be a good match for her. She looked at me like I was crazy. She couldn’t process the idea. I love them both and thought they were a good fit. Him and I are more like siblings and I wouldn’t have felt bad about it. They seemed like a match. Unfortunately, she is still single years later and he found someone else.

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  • No

    No. Especially if it was someone I was in love with. Just No.

  • Ladybug94

    I used to work with a lady who married her high school sweetheart, they divorced after some years and she is now married to her ex’s best friend and they all get along and even hang out together from time to time.

  • LostOne

    I asked for permission to date a friend’s ex that she was totally over. She stopped being my friend just for asking. If she had said no, I would have cut him loose and that would have squashed it. She was offended that I even asked, so she stopped being my friend. Broke my heart. BUT…. since we weren’t friends anymore I dated the guy anyway. Not sure if I was wrong, but I tried to do what I thought was the right thing.

    • LibraTheTaurus♥

      Yes you did!…that is why I don’t live by any “Code” you do what you personally feel is right! You make the most Rational decision on your own life! Be blessed!

      • mikesdababy

        Now that’s real. Hell it just happen that way somtimes

      • gato tres


    • Honest-truth!

      To be honest I can understand why she stopped being your friend. For you to ask means that you must have always liked him or looked at him through lustful eyes. She stopped being your friend because of that and the trust was gone. Couldn’t have broke your heart that much if you still dated him. What is the number 1 rule for being a friend; Never let a man come between you ! Over it or not, I think of my friends like family and I don’t want to be intimate with a man my friend has been with. That’s best of both world’s for him and I am guessing the relationship didn’t last so you lost one friend for a fling. Plenty of men out here!

      • Shaye

        very well said… had a friend who asked me and they had already started dating/screwing, w/e they were doing, so i felt like i dont need to tell u what to do, u should jus already kno that thats messed i cut her off, and we reconnected last year, but after reading this i’m feeling kinda dumb for reaching out… smh

  • LibraTheTaurus♥

    This question was asked to me “The Code” lol, do I think I should have called my husbands ex to tell her I was in a relationship with him…I lmao!!! I don’t consider entertaining teenage relationships as serious as adults. If that was the case…smh, I would have missed my blessing in having the perfect partner for life, over someone I knew as a kid! ha Thank God for better judgement!

    • LibraTheTaurus♥

      Oh might I add…she was not a friend more of an neighborhood chic that was known so I didn’t feel compelled to disclose my current business. I let him do that!

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  • NVAdamzz

    There are too many men (good ones believe it or not) in the world for you to have to pursue a good friend’s ex. If it’s all that trouble I wouldn’t even try it.

  • Akiko

    People do not own each other, but it could make for some messy situations for a friend to date an ex of her/his friend.

    • gato tres

      thank you. i am seeing a young lady that used to be with a former co worker of mine. he is angry and verbally abusive to her now. long story short he acts like she is “his property” while he is seeing other women while trying to control her because they have a child together. he has always cheated on her and she is tired of it. i dont care what anybody thinks of me either. there are no rules and laws on a human being!!! there is no karma either. we get along great. she has one child with him and two from a previous marriage. we all get along and it’s been two years now so i dont see where i broke some damn code. we never hung out and i only worked there less than a year. i dont want to hear it!!!

      • Lizzylizzard

        He sounds like a jerk. Take care of her. He has tons of women and still isn’t happy. Pos!! Don’t let him control her. She controls herself.

        • gato tres

          aw man!!! he is terrible with it too!!! we are friends first because she has children so its more of im seeing her when she is free from the kids. i respect all of that. i didnt get her when she was vulnerable either.

      • Herm Cain

        Son saving em she got baggage and a football team I wouldn’t sneeze on that broad with all these women out here

        • gato tres

          i hear ya brotha’ but she is really a nice girl. i understand there are many others. now, if he was a true “homie” it would be totally wrong. i was on that job only for school purposes only.

    • LibraTheTaurus♥

      Yes! even after over almost 2 decade the mess still spewed! I was in utter shock!