A Year Later: Why Dating A Man In An Open Marriage Didn’t Work

27 Comments
March 21, 2013 ‐ By madamenoire

By Anonymous 

You may remember, a year ago, I wrote about being the girlfriend to a man in an open marriage. Well, it’s a little over a year later of being in a relationship with an open married man. It’s funny, because I looked at the two previous articles I wrote about this relationship, and I was almost embarrassed by how blinded I was; how in love I was. I dived in head first into a man and a lifestyle I knew nothing about. Did I drown? No. But I do feel as if I was doing the dead man’s float for a while.

This year taught me so much. I learned that open relating, first and foremost, does not mean multiple partners. It means honest relating. So, while I may use open and “multiple” simultaneously in this article, honesty is the priority. I am a stronger, more aware person than I was before entering into this relationship. I have grown into a woman who knows what I need in a relationship and who knows what I can’t handle in a relationship. I grew into a more honest person in regards to my feelings. I learned how to open up and express myself freely. I know that his purpose in my life was for my personal growth and for that, I am thankful.  But while, I am thankful for the growth and self-discovery, all the other sh!t is not what I want nor is it what I will accept anymore. Not in this situation at least. A messed up person will be a messed up person—whether in an open, poly, or monogamous relationship. Nothing will change.

With all that being said, I am leaving the open relationship. I love him, but I do not like a large part of the person I grew to know. I tried to accept and understand a lot, but there was always something. There was always someone. I knew he was in an open marriage and dating three women when we started. I didn’t realize there was going to be an open door clause in the relationship. There was always a new story of a woman he told he loved just so he could get her in bed; a new story of a woman flipping out on him in the midst of an online class he teaches for his organization or on his Facebook page; a broken promise brought on with more women. Stories of pregnancies, clients as lovers, it was continuous. It was stressful. It was tiring.  It was not the fact he was open that was my problem. It was the fact he was demonstrating Slore-ish behaviors and not open and honest behaviors. It was ego driven and not heart driven. As soon as my heart would get right with US, something would take place to tell my spirit it was wrong.  It would never be US. Because of who he was seen as, who he wanted to be, there would always be people involved in our relationship. There would always be gossip. There would always be stories I didn’t want to hear or he didn’t want me to hear. It would always be EVERYONE.

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  • broken

    Thank you so much for writing this. It helped me so much. It is so hard to walk away from the man you love with all your heart. I have to accept that I will always be hurt if I stay. I am walking. Thank you.

  • PreferringHonesty

    I am so tired of the self-righteous commentary when someone decides to explore a different relationship style, I am sure that most of the “I would never do that” commenters have done something in their lives that they are not proud of and would not dare share with the world. This woman wrote about her experience, and for that I commend her bravery. At least she knew she was not the only and could take the steps to protect herself from STD’s and the like, how many women think they are the only until pregnancy or disease enters the picture. Given the choice I would rather be with someone who allows me to make an informed decision instead of with someone who is willing to play Russian Roulette with my life by lying to me about what they are doing.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1438551270 Jessica Lucinda Williams

    this is really sad. that “open relationship” bull, is a ploy to get women to open their legs without feeling guilty about sleeping with someone elses husband. when are we going to learn!

  • TFREE

    Author, get a grip! The last thing you need to be worried about is the next relationship. You need to sit your behind down somewhere until you learn what you are worth. Stop trying to justify this foolishness (relationship with a openly married man) masquerading as a legitimate, perfectly sane lifestyle.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1438551270 Jessica Lucinda Williams

      ….and that’s all i got to say about that! lol!! amen TFREE!

  • http://www.facebook.com/lwhitmire1 Leslie Whitmire

    OK, unlike the ignorance below, I appreciate your honesty and openess. Not only did you expose yourself, but you shed light on the fluidity of sexuality/sexual relationships. Black women are so closed minded but have the nerve to wonder why they get cheated on. I applaud your willingness to welcome any encounter that pleases you. We are sexual creatures, and monogamy isn’t for everyone. You aren’t dumb for exploring anything.

    • yeppers

      People can LIVE how they choose to….Its called free will. And Im not close minded for wanting to be treated with respect and as a Queen i am. Sex doesnt rule my life…AND IT NEVER WILL. But JUST KNOW that everyones intentions for having you in a 3 some relationship is not always beneficial to all parties involved. I love myself enough to know that I AM ENOUGH, JUST ME. Now if you dont feel that way then fine, however, just know that you do stand the chance to be the one losing out if you are OK with letting every sue and sally screw your man on the weekends. Thats not OK with me. MY God made me complete and WHOLE, you dont need nothin else when you come over here, but hey, if ur not then Go right ahead. I hope you find and your man finds what he is looking for in these other women. And aint nobody cheating over here because I WONT LET THEM SCREW OTHER WOMEN…A man that knows how to treat 1 woman, and love her fully will be the only man I will have. so GOOD LUCK with that..

  • Chile Cheese

    Why marry somebody if you want to openly SLEEP with other people, why
    not just live with someone and sleep with other hos for the rest of your
    life…. serious question? And none of these hos u sleep with ever want
    to get married as well? What kinda new fangled ho MESS is this? Im not about to do this EVER. EVER EVER EVER. I also
    honestly dont believe stories like this…this woman ALL WOMEN who do
    this are eventually in hopes that the man will leave the wife (you know
    that woman he MARRIED) for them. You act like you “OK” with it cus you
    get u a piece, but all the while you hopin and a prayin. I heard that
    cry for help all in this 4 page letter. What i dont understand is how
    someone can be in such a lying and mistrustful situation where a person
    is allowed to do WHATEVER MAKES THEY SUN SHINE and expect honesty…If
    you accept dishonesty in one part of your life you generally WONT BE THE
    BEACON OF TRUTH IN OTHERS.

    • jus’ sayin’

      many women believe that their vagina has magical powers and that it will make a man do anything – it doesnt and it wont

      • chile cheese

        Sure WONT at the end of the day all these women he screwin want to believe they the special one and im sure they all feel some kinda way about his time or lack of with them. It amazes me that these hos that do this kinda mess with all these other women involved think they the ONLY one that have feelings….How you think things are going go when you trying to share this man and he having to lie to this that one and the next about how he truly feels to save face and to keep the NEXT woman happy?? Like I said, how can anyone expect any one to be HONEST in this situation WHEN IT AINT AN HONEST SITUATION, ITS FULL OF LUST LIES AND SEX, NO ONE CAN BE COMPLETELY HONEST WHEN THEY ARE JUST GETTING OFF, THEY DONT CARE, even if all her wants could be met WHICH THEY CANT. SO I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY SHE WROTE THIS CRAZY A$$ LETTER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

  • Kay

    I 1000% disagree with this article. Open marriages, IN MY OPINION, do not and should not work. To each its own but not me because that is a slap in gods face. If you want an open marriage why not just be a polygamist or like sister wives? Someone always gets hurt and Im sure if you find someone you REALLY love you would not open to sharing them. As for the wife, to me she did not need to contact you because that’s her husband and your just one of many to state that plainly. I am not being mean or rude by any manner, but for this to be a pro black women sites that promotes good relationship advice to all this is crazy. I say that because I know lots of young girls that come to this site, and by reading this article they think its ok to be Joseline, Stevie J, and MiMi as long as you have a ring.

  • GOAlie

    you were in love with a dream- that man showed what he was- women have the problem of trying to make men be their dream man-the next relationship you have -promise yourself not to buy things for men

  • IllyPhilly

    I just want to know what were you expecting from this arrangement?

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Yeah for real though. What was the end goal?

      • YES gAWD

        NOTHING…an she claims she knows people who have done this…I want to know when yo A$$ is 90 years old in the hospital dying is this man with another wife finna be by your side??? Or when you break your hip fallin in the tub, what about children, do you never want them?? and do these men pay for the children they have with random women or are you screwed if this happens?? Like this chick is YOUNG AND STUPID apparently…what about the rest of your life? no one thinks about that anymore, only what you can get NOW AND QUICK. STUPID FEMALES.

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          Yes she’s wasted a year of her life with someone where she is nothing but a passing thought. He don’t love her. He never did. When a man loves a woman he moves heaven and earth for her. He sacrifices for her without hesitation. He gives without thought, and he for DAMN sure isn’t going to stand for another man to be intimate with his woman.

          Why would anybody want to settle for less. In fact you would never settle for less once you’ve had that. I feel bad for her she’s lost and don’t even know it.

          She’s confusing good dizzle for true intimacy.

        • for the record…

          she already got kids. and no, she’s not “young”.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JAI4SRENU2A5WKRTELXXYJPDSI Kayla

    there is a difference then being in an open relationship and being a side chick, it’s obviously not going to work because alot of women want monogamous relationships trying to be cool with it will only last but so long.

  • OSHH

    Um I just have to say when you settle for less than you deserve you end up getting even less than that but I am sure you can see that now. Start to like and then love yourself more dear, truly loving, respecting and valuing yourself and when you get to that point you will not even consider a person, situation or arrangement so beneath you! Work on you!

  • hiswomanandlovingit

    the problem is you werent in a poly amorous arrangement. you were a jump off and he treated you as such. a poly arrangement has boundaries and guidelines. this was just a way for his ego to kept up at the expense of your heart.

  • Na Na

    I will not comment on the open relationship…you seem to have said enough on that already. But I will say that you seem to not have actually absorbed much from this relationship. On the last page you actually had the audacity to kinda sorta blame his wife for not checking up on you? huh? wtf? I think you would benefit from some counseling…and not because you chose to be in an open relationship but because you seem to have some deep seeded insecurities that cause you to make bad and irrational decisions in the name of whatever in the world you got going on.

    • Pivyque

      Right. HIS WIFE is worried about HIM, not her. lol

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    I don’t understand this at all. Why any halfway sane woman would ever go along with this is beyond my comprehension.

    Yo author, hell no he didn’t love you or even respect you. You were convenient and accepting booty and an always open ATM. You depleted and deluded yourself for someone who wouldn’t give two shyts if you died tomorrow. What the hell was he and you thinking by involving his child into that messy situation. Of all the wrong things you wrote in this article that has got to be the most foul. You wrong as hell for that one. That poor child don’t need to be all up in the face of daddy’s current concubine.

    No rationale necessary really you got with a broken man because you were coming from a broken place. You fell in love with someone else’s husband knowingly and willingly. Get some help honey if you even think in the best of scenarios that type of “relationship” is desirable.

  • TRUTH IS

    I will never find myself in one of these….or dating married me. Women gotta stop cheapening ourselves. God has a castle and a King for us why are we roaming in stables with jokers?!

    • TRUTH IS

      *men