Who Are You Foolin’? Obnoxious Things Women Do To Look ‘Cool’ To Men

March 26, 2013  |  
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When it comes to trying to impress men, there is the obvious group: women who dress “girly,” speak softly, try to act like “a lady,” bat their eyelashes, cover their mouths while giggling and get tipsy off half a drink. And then there is the less obvious, and possibly more obnoxious group: w omen who strive, with all their might, to be the opposite of group A. Women who lie through their teeth to look cool to men, who are not in the least bit true to themselves, and who often impress their way into a relationship they’re not really happy in. Here are 14 unbearable things that women in Group B do to look cool to men. (Stop it already. Please.)



Criticize healthy foods

Is it irritating when a woman obsesses over being healthy, asking for the calorie count on her salad and ordering skinny cocktails like it’s her job? Yes. But it’s no less irritating when, to impress a man, a woman cringes at anything healthy, and criticizes those who want to watch their weight and be conscious of what they consume, rolling her eyes at the woman ordering salmon at the next table. There is something to being healthy, you know? Like um…avoiding heart disease, high cholesterol, diabetes and an early death. Or wait, are those things cool now? Like the double chili cheeseburger you always make sure to order when a man is watching? I don’t think so. Eat what you want, but mind your business.


Criticize other women

So the women at the end of the bar are giggling like schoolgirls, can’t hold their liquor and are karaoking to total chick music. Guess what? They’re having fun. You think it makes you look like a “guy’s guy” to imitate them, mimicking their high-pitched laugh and mocking everything they do, but it actually makes you look like a huge you know what. And it also makes you look like a miserable person. Want to know why? Because truly happy people don’t really care what other people are up to. They’re busy being, you know, happy.


Pretend to be bisexual

At any age, men will turn their heads to watch the two girls making out. But just so you know, at no age will those men take those women seriously. They just don’t quite picture meeting you at the alter when you’re licking another woman’s face and grabbing at her boob in public. Oh and if one of the onlookers does try to start a relationship with you, he’ll be expecting a repeat performance every week, probably regular threesomes, and having you be okay with infidelity. Have fun with that!


Pretend to be okay with an open relationship

More on the last point, when the guy your dating says, “That girl is bad” don’t, in the name of being a chill girlfriend say, “Yeah. I wouldn’t blame you if you slept with her.” If you think this works to make a man respect you, then you know nothing about men. Men secretly love boundaries. They secretly love a woman who they have to work for to meet her high standards. They do not roll over and grovel for the woman who lets them do whatever they want. Eventually, they find it unattractive that you have so little respect for yourself.



Drink a lot

Sure men appreciate a woman who can hold her liquor. But what they appreciate more is a woman who isn’t ashamed of admitting her own limits, and who sticks to what makes her happy. If you don’t love hangovers, shelling out money for cabs, and vomiting at the end of the night, that’s okay. You don’t need to pound the table and yell “More shots!” to impress the guys you’re with. While they may temporarily have fun with you, once again, when you’re being kicked out of a cab for throwing up, or arrested for indecent exposure, they’re really not thinking, “Wife material right there!”


Laugh at sexist jokes

So you don’t want to be the “feminist”, “uptight”, “can’t take a joke” chick who stands up for herself when men make condescending, degrading and sexist jokes, huh? So instead you strive to be the woman who laughs with men on these jokes, and even makes some of those jokes yourself? Well contrary to your backwards thinking, taking verbal abuse doesn’t lead to a man suddenly waking up one day and thinking, “Wow. She’s so cool. She lets me be mean to her. I just want to be nice to her now!” Nope. Meanwhile, even if that “feminist” woman you tease scared off a lot of men, she eventually found one who truly respects her. You don’t have a shot at that if you accept and make disrespectful jokes about your own gender. Have fun with the douchebag you marry.


Act really into sports

Truth be told anybody—male or female—who is over the top into sports, screaming like animals at the opposite team, dumping beer all over themselves after a score, getting into yelling fights with fans of the other side, is obnoxious. And so, if you’re a woman who does that, you will only attract obnoxious men. True fans let the attention be on the players, not on themselves.


Scoff at motherhood

“Babies are gross”, “I don’t want to destroy my body to have a kid, no thank you,” “And give up partying? I think not.” Just some of the typical comments from “cool” women who scoff every time they see a toddler throwing a tantrum, or even a new mom happily nursing and cooing at her infant. Guess what? You wouldn’t even be here to be the jerk you are if your mother hadn’t done all that for you! So please, shut up. Oh and keep in mind, the men you will attract with that kind of talk are the ones who are all about themselves and living the bachelor life forever. You don’t get the dedicated, selfless, giving boyfriend who also happens to never want to take care of another living person. That just doesn’t add up.


Treat men like sexual objects

Do you sound like the female version of most derogatory rap songs today? Do you talk about men like a piece of meat? Do you pretend you only like men for their bodies, and don’t care to know what’s going on in their heads? Well, you’ll meet men who feel the same way about you. And that will be fun for about…oh…a week. Two weeks tops.


Tease sensitivity

Yes, women cry a lot. But why does that affect you? Why do you need to tease the girl crying over a fight with her boyfriend? Oh. How lame of her to actually give a damn about the relationships in her life. How silly that she actually care about the people who care about her. I mean, that’s just not cool right? WRONG. What are you, a middle school bully? Why don’t you emotionally grow up about thirty years.


Talk about adult films

It’s fine if you like to watch adult films! But you really don’t need to go over the top at the dinner table describing every scene in the channels you frequent. We get it. You’re cool. You’re kinky. Now please, do you have anything else going on in your head? Honestly, overdoing it on the kinky talk just makes you look like you’re compensating for being terrible in bed. The really kinky people are quiet about it.


Overdo it on the bathroom humor

Everybody can enjoy a good bathroom joke. And I get it: you want to prove you’re mature and comfortable with your body—that you don’t see yourself as some perfect, non-biological, heavenly creature. But, do you have to make yourself out to be nothing but a thing of biological functions? Do we really need to hear about what went on on the toilet for a half hour? We all go to the bathroom. We kind of got over the entertainment in that when we were nine years old. You should too.


Be loud and obnoxious

If men are cheering you on for dancing on the table, or screaming, “EVERYBODY GET DRUNK!” it’s only because you’re entertainment. You’re taking one for the team by making everyone laugh, and letting them not be the ones kicked out of the bar. But men don’t actually want to date a woman who is so hungry for attention she can’t just sit in her seat and have a normal noise-level conversation. How do you bring that home to mom?


Wear little-to-no clothing

Daisy dukes that show off your butt cheeks? Visible bra? Red pleather strapless mini dress? Really? Dressing like this says you have zero style of your own. You have no idea how to express yourself via clothing, like a normal person, so instead you resort to dressing however you think men want you to. Want to know what men really want? A woman comfortable in her own skin. And wardrobe.

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