How To Leave One Man For Another, And Not Make It Messy

March 15, 2013  |  
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Most of the time, there is no excuse to leave one person and jump immediately into a relationship with another. If you’re so emotionally prepared to be totally entwined with a new man, you have probably been emotionally checked out of your relationship with your current man for a while. And you should have addressed that a long time ago, instead of bringing things to the point where you just walk out for someone new. However, sometimes, you can think you’re perfectly happy in your relationship, and you just meet someone who changes everything. You see now that your current partner is not right for you, and you can’t un-see that. So what do you do?

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Don’t cheat

If you plan on leaving one man for another, have patience: you’ll be with the new guy soon enough. Do not become physically intimate with the future guy before leaving the current one. In the moment you may justify it with, “But I’m leaving my boyfriend anyways…” but the guilt will never leave you. Plus, you risk backing out of your decision to leave your current man, and then you’re just a cheater, keeping a dark secret in a relationship.

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Don’t tell the person you’re leaving

The man you are leaving does not need to know you’re leaving him for someone else. He knows that some time down the line you’ll be with someone else, right? But he doesn’t need to know that that will literally be the night you leave him. That only adds insult to injury and makes him feel that the relationship meant nothing to you. All he needs to know is why he is not the right person for you. He doesn’t need to know why somebody else is.

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Wait to go public

Out of continued respect to your old partner, don’t flaunt your new relationship around town. Easy on the PDA when you’re out with your new man for the first few weeks after leaving your other man. You never know who may see you.

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Wait to bring him around your friends

Leaving one man for another is something that is hard for your good friends to swallow. Even if you know you’re doing the right thing, your friends will be questioning your new relationship. And you know that once your girlfriends question your relationship, they always will. You can tell them you’re talking to someone new, but give them time to get over your breakup (yup, they need that time to heal too!) before introducing a brand new, full-fledged boyfriend to them.

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Wait to bring him around your family

If you think your friends are suspicious, your family is on a whole other level. Remember, your parents are in the marriage mentality. Anything that looks the least bit flaky to normal people looks a hundred times more flaky to your parents. You don’t want your family judging your new man’s integrity, or the validity of the relationship. So wait months before introducing them.

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Wait to go around his friends

Male friends are just as protective as female friends. You can almost bet that the entire time you were talking to this new guy but were still with the old guy, the new guy’s friends were telling him to stay the hell away from you. They were telling him that you were never going to leave your boyfriend for him. And now, suddenly, here you are. They’re just waiting for things to fall apart. Wait a while to meet them, until they see that the relationship is in fact solid. After you’ve been with their good buddy for a while, they have to pay you respect.

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Wait to go around his family

The truth is, most relationships that are based off of one person coming directly from another relationship don’t work out. And every time a guy introduces his girlfriend to his family, they get their hopes up. There will be some guilt, and some taboo around your newly formed relationship for a while. Wait for that to settle—to make sure it doesn’t break you—before you meet the family.

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Be sure you know this person

Remember: most people seem great within the first couple of months. And if you’ve been in another relationship, while getting to know this new guy, you had even less opportunity to get to know this man in a real way. So ask yourself, how well do you really know this man? If he’s not that compatible with you, any time you two argue, or he bothers you, you’ll resent him because you left someone else for him.

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Is he the whole package? Or just a supplement?

Sometimes, when a certain quality is seriously lacking in our partner, all we see is that quality in other people. Any time another person has it, we hone in on it. And we idealize them. So, do you know this new man as a whole person? Or do you just like him because he fills in the holes where your current partner is lacking?

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Do not move in with the new guy

If you lived with the old boyfriend, it will be tempting to just move in with the new boyfriend. But don’t do it. Unless you were carrying on a full-fledged affair with the new guy, you have no idea what it will be like to live with him. You’ll already be a bit of an emotional wreck after leaving one man for another. You’ll be an even bigger one if such a large decision as to move in with a man turns out to be the wrong one. You don’t need to be apartment hunting right after two breakups.

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Don’t fight your way out of your relationship

Out of the guilt you feel over already having a new guy lined up, you might be looking for other reasons to leave your man. You might want to tell yourself that it’s not for a new guy, but because of reason x, y, and z. And so you might start picking fights with your man. But all that does is further degrade a relationship that you could have otherwise walked out of semi peacefully. Look: you’re going to put your guy through a lot of pain, no matter what. Don’t let his memory of you be that of a total .

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Be careful on Facebook

Like any normal guy, your ex will probably be scoping out your Facebook page, or have his friends doing it for him. Don’t check in at every romantic restaurant you and your new man are going to. Don’t post pictures of beautiful sunsets—whether or not your new guy is in the picture. Keep a low profile.

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Don’t jump into a full-fledged relationship immediately

You’re already in nesting mode because you just came out of a serious relationship. You want a boyfriend now. But, too bad. It’s never a good idea to move too fast, and that still applies when you leave one man for another. You’ll naturally have high expectations for the commitment your new man makes to you—both time commitment and emotional commitment—because you left such a close, intimate relationship to be with him. But control those expectations, because they could be the end of your new relationship. Be careful not to smother your new man.

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Do not talk to your ex

Naturally, it’s not a good idea to talk to your ex since you’re hoping to keep from him the fact you’re already with someone else. But also, your new partner will be very sensitive, wondering if you are truly, fully over the person you just left. You’ve committed to this decision to be with the new person, so commit. You avoid pain for all parties involved if you cut off communication with the ex.

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  • On_Point

    strong wh0redom in this post.

  • DUMBBEACHPLEASE

    I’LL TELL THAT MITCH, “IF U LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT UH UH OH”

    • juice992

      i can tell by the post u put ur a pretty ghetto person lol

  • DUMBBEACHPLEASE

    MEN DROP WOMEN LIKE BAD HABITS, WITH ZERO REMORSE OR CONSIDERATION. UNLESS HE WAS TAKING CARE OF YOU, TELL THAT MITCH “IF U LIKE IT THEN U SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT”

  • DUMBBEACHPLEASE

    Tell that nigha “DON’T BE A. DEBBIE DOWNER!” Ha ha lmaoooo! Y.O.L.O

  • DUMBBEACHPLEASE

    SMMFH if you ladies waste all this time on someone you don’t even want anymore!??! Fuuuug that MITCH!

  • DUMBBEACHPLEASE

    My beloveds, men will NEVER do all this for you. If they land someone hotter, you’re HISTORY! If you complain, they’ll label you a bitter, crazy STALKER! That being said, skip all these steps and scream, “YOLO you MITCH! Outta my way or I’ll reveal more secrets than VICTORIA! Ha ha lmaooo

    • Although I agree with you that men won’t do all this for women (most, anyways), two wrongs don’t make a right If I decided to do something so effed up as leaving one relationship for another, I would rather roll with the tips given than just say EFF IT. It’s already wrong anyway, but there is a way to do everything; and rolling out without a care in the world is worse. One thing that many that do these kinds of things forget, is that what goes around comes around. Even with the argument that men don’t do all these things to protect the woman they are with, that man who does those dirty deeds eventually has those dirty deeds catch up with them. The same goes for women who do those sort of things. I want to treat people the way I want to be treated. So, while they might not do it; if I were to do something so dirty anyway, I would want to not make it any worse.

    • I forgot to add that I do agree with you, too; that when a woman voices her opinion how a man has treated her, many will quickly label you as crazy, bitter, delusional, etc. Of course, that is their way of shifting the blame of their dirty deeds; so that they don’t look like the bad guy for screwing you over. Women do it to men, too; though. Men cheat, not all; but many. Women cheat just as much, but are better at hiding it. They have the typical habit of doing the blame-shift of he’s crazy, delusional, didn’t show me enough attention, too.

  • Honesty

    Don’t leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love. No one has ever heard that saying? And as soon as you leave and things don’t work out, don’t go crawling back to what good you had before.

    • THIS!!!!! I have heard that saying, along with the other one of “all that glitters, ain’t gold”, and “the grass is not always greener”. I have seen it happen too many times. Then, most (whether man or woman) have the nerves to go back and beg the one they wronged for forgiveness and for them to take them back. The grass is green where you water it. Relationships take work, which includes: patience, respect, consideration, forgiveness, communication, love (of course); amongst many other things. Too many are unwilling to put in the work, and would rather just go the easy route of cheating, etc. The worse part is that many who cheat like to cite their partner’s shortcomings as the reason for cheating. How about putting on your big boy/girl pants and taking responsibility for your actions? How about just saying you cheated because you wanted to or because you were tired of the same person? No, it doesn’t sound so pretty; but it is far better than doing the blame-shift. The only person responsible for one’s actions is that person. If your partner’s shortcomings are a problem, discuss how you are feeling with them. If you do this, and try to work on things; and they don’t do anything to improve, break up with them. Yes, breaking up is hard to do; but give a person that you claimed to have feelings for at one time enough respect to do that (rather than lie and cheat). I’m sure the person would be mad, but would appreciate that in the long run; than they would finding out that the person they thought they knew deceived them.

  • bigdawgman

    Wait? You’re going to a relationship while you’re in another one? If you got to know the new dude that well already, aren’t you already cheating???

    • mrbigA47

      Thank you.

    • Yep, and it’s funny how the first thing said is to not get physical with the person; as you shouldn’t cheat your way out of a relationship, especially if you decide not to end it. Making an emotional connection with someone is cheating, too; and worse if you ask me. Physical lasts for a short time, while emotional lasts much longer. No one has any business being in contact with someone enough to even make an emotional connection, let alone make such an emotional connection; to the point of wanting to leave the one they are with for the other. I know cheating happens all the time, but giving tips on how to do it as mess-free as possible; is glorifying it. There is no mess-free way to leave one person for another. Heck, although possible; it’s hard enough leaving a relationship mess-free, period. No matter how long you wait to meet family and friends, because of how you got together; how you got together will present a problem. Whether it be in the beginning, a couple years down the line, or 5 years down the line. I’m sure there are some who can name a friend of a friend of a friend, who left someone for someone else and are happy. That is not the norm. It is unhealthy to leave one relationship for another.

  • CC

    Might I add, if the ex does find out about your pending relationship be sympathetic and understanding of his feelings. Just because you’ve decided to leave before leaving doesn’t mean he is at that stage yet so be considerate as you would want someone to give you the same courtesy…….

    • juice992

      haha u know from experiance huh how many have u left

      • CC

        No, a few of my exes have done that to me including my most recent and that was more painful considering he lied his way out of it. Some people don’t care if they damage someone as long as they get what they want. I’m a lover not a fighter. 😉

        • juice992

          sorry to here that and sorry for that comment

          • CC

            It’s okay, I’m good, you live and you learn…..

  • I’m glad I haven’t been in this kind of situation yet.

  • Nope

    Not going to click through 15 pages, but women usually already have the next dude in play way before leaving the current one. Relationships and “relationships” are like monkey bars for most women, swinging from one to the next, and sometimes back again.

    • mrbigA47

      The “ready spare” is what makes the whole situation bad. Something should have been communicated before she emotionally “checked out” of the current relationship. Unless it was some monumental deal-breaking activity/action, the opportunity to rectify the situation should have been presented to the current “bird”, with her a willing participant, minus the “bird(s)” in the bush …

      • DUMBBEACHPLEASE

        Only a fool rolls without a spare, sir. Better safe than sorry! Ijs

    • The 15 pages was a bit much, as it was a bit repetitive. Some of the pages could’ve been joined together. For example, they could’ve said “wait to tell your friends and wait to tell his friends” on the same page. Or “wait to tell his parents” and “wait to tell your parents” on the same page. We know how the clicks thing goes, though; more money.