Ask A Very Smart Brotha: He Wants To Wait Til 40 To Get Married, Should I Wait?

March 6, 2013  |  

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Tasha: Why black men don’t want to commit and get married

DY: There are actually a ton of Black men who are commitment/marriage-minded. You just have to find and date the ones looking for a commitment with you instead of the ones who aren’t looking for that.

 

Bernette: How do you know when a guy is really interested in you? If he texts instead of calling is that a sign of not being as interested in you?

DY: Whether a guy uses texting or calling as his primary means of communicating with you says more about how comfortable he is with those forms of communication than his feelings about you. As far as your first question, the best way to tell if a guy is into you is how much time does he want to spend around you. If he’s always trying to see you/make time for you, he’s probably into you. If he doesn’t, he’s probably not.

Kaila: What does “let’s see where things go” aka “let’s take it slow” really mean?

DY: Unless he’s responding to you making marriage plans after your first date, “let’s take it slow” usually means “let’s take our time so I can decide whether or not I like you enough to give you more time”

Lynette: What advice could you give to women today who are career driven, who want to be in a relationship, but the timing to find that person isn’t always there?

DY: If you find that your career plans are consistently thwarting your relationship wants, you have to honestly ask yourself which is most important to you. (And yes, I’d say the same thing to a man)

Everfabulous: What does it mean when a man says “You look taken.” What does ‘taken’ look like? If I’m not wearing a ring and I’m well dressed, what is it about me that looks ‘taken’?

DY: Don’t read too much into that. Some men just think that’s a “clever” way to flirt, start a conversation, and get a phone number. (And, from what I’ve, um, “heard,” sometimes it works)

Brandi: Do you think chemistry is important when first meeting someone?

DY: Sure, it matters, but a lack of initial chemistry isn’t a deal breaker. It’s actually somewhat overrated. There are tons of married couples who didn’t have a spark or outstanding chemistry the first time they met each other.

Megan: How long do you think a man needs to heal from an 8 year relationship that was ended by the gf until he is ready to date again? I know it’s different for everyone but just in your opinion. Is it worth the wait? How do I set realistic expectations in terms of dealing with him? How do I avoid being the rebound in this situation?

DY: There’s no set arbitrary time to “get over” someone. Some people take longer than others. But, just as you shouldn’t blame him for taking too long, no one would blame you for deciding that you just didn’t feel like waiting anymore.

Shannon: I left my boyfriend of 3 years to help my sister with her kids (She lives in Germany) & we decided to take a break until I return… He has moved on & now has a girlfriend & I’ve been grieving for over a year now.. I’m soon to return to the states & I want to be back with him but he is still in a relationship with this girl…I love him soo much & I want him in my life… What should I do?

DY: (I’d tell you the same thing I’d tell a person waiting for a new season of “The Wire”)

“It’s over! Time to find a new show

Trina: I’ve recently had several male friends tell me they knew really quickly – like, by the third date – that she was “the one”! Have we women had it wrong all this time? Do guys GENERALLY know that fast? And what holds them back from expressing it if that is the case? Fear?

DY: To put it simply, yes. There are actual studies to confirm this. When men fall in love, we tend to do it much, much quicker than women do. I bet if you asked a bunch of engaged/married men when they first knew they were going to marry their wives, many (if not most) of the answers would be something like “The first time I saw her.”

Kim: How long should u wait to marry your mate…been in a relationship for 11 years…the man wants to wait till he is 40 which is in three more years smh…should the female continue to wait?

DY: It’s usually a good rule of thumb that if you started dating when “Living Single” was still on TV, you’ve probably waited too long.

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  • Suzannah

    I think he should get married before he’s 40. If not he’ll definitely regret it later.

  • Nope

    These “waiting”, “timing”, and “commit” questions are really about when the man’s response/reaction differs from the woman’s timing they’ve pre-determined FOR the man. In terms of relationships, “relationships”, dating, courting, etc. most men are walking into the template, fantasy, and shot clock that was running before he even met her.

    • You don’t think being with someone for 11 years is a reasonable amount of time to give before requiring them to commit? I get the argument that there shouldn’t be no hard and set rule on the matter but come on, over an eighth of her life is gone she could have spent that time with someone who was sure by year I don’t know 5 that she was the one he wanted to give his last name to. IJS

      • Nope

        I don’t disagree with you. But who’s the fool for waiting 11 years for anything except maybe getting out of jail? The man is accountable for her stupidity?

        • Of course she’s responsible for wasting HER time. The only timeline she need be worried about is her own. Which negates your argument about men walking into templates and all that. It doesn’t take even the most reluctant man 11 years to decide if he’s going to marry a woman. He already knows he not, so really he’s being a cad if he doesn’t tell her straight up that he’s stringing her along. OR that he doesn’t want to marry her.

          • Nope

            “It doesn’t take even the most reluctant man 11 years to decide if he’s going to marry a woman. He already knows he not, so really he’s being a cad if he doesn’t tell her straight up that he’s stringing her along. OR that he doesn’t want to marry her.”

            I don’t disagree with this. Believe me, I’m in favor of being straight up and honest with people. A man such as this has clearly SHOWN he isn’t going to marry her, but no he hasn’t actually articulated it. So no, he isn’t doing her or himself any favors by not actually saying it. But to be fair “no” is a woman’s least favorite word in general.

            • lol. Alright we’re on the same page. I’m all for personal accountability when it comes to running your own life. Imagine that a respectful conversation on Madame Noire. Thought I would never live to see .the day.

  • Nope

    Men stop “waiting” when we find the person we actually want to wind up with, and that person might not be you. Who, other than yourself, says it HAS to be you?? Too many women basically attempt to decide this FOR the man. Simple logic, you stop waiting when the bus you WANT to catch comes.

    • I agree with you. Which is why anybody is dumb for ‘waiting’ on anyone to decide on their life.

  • TRUTH IS

    *cues “If I Were A Boy”* I tell ya…some men are great actors….they say and pretend to get some nookie…..then its downhill from there on….waiting/wasting 11 yrs of your life for some man…he better be Jesus like. Blame yourself!
    The girl who mentioned 8 yr relationship sounds like a scenario I was in….dude “8 yr gf” will not let anyone enjoy him in peace….what a disaster…when he wanted to get away he came to me….with unfinished business with her…homegirl lied about being pregnant so he can stay around…i cant with these type chit….too much baggage and drama…..am too grown

  • kierah

    Women are getting hung up on the waiting game. Instead of asking what he wants, ask yourself do YOU want to wait for him? Once you’ve made that decision (i.e. move to Germany or be in an 11 year unmarried relationship), you have to move on and can’t fault the brother for moving on as well. If you’ve waited 11 years, clearly waiting is your favorite sport. You will continue to wait.

    • Yep pretty much. She’s his something to do until he meets the one he wants to commit to.

  • Guest

    “Why put off for tomorrow what you can do today?”

  • chiefwhitaker

    Man the way i put it is that life is short and you never know when you are gonna leave this Earth so with that being said I wouldn’t wait till 40 to get married nor leave a seed on this Earth when I leave.

  • blackizbeautiful

    hellz no he might get married when he is 40 but his wife will not be 40…promise you that.

    • Babydoll 70

      And his wife won’t be the lady he asked to wait.

  • SunshineBlossom

    Living Single… He took it all the way back lol.

  • Charla

    And when he turns 40 he will come up with another arbitrary number or issue. I could understand if he said better job or financial stability. I definitely wouldn’t wait that long.