Ask A Very Smart Brotha: He Wants To Wait Til 40 To Get Married, Should I Wait?

March 6, 2013  |  
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Tasha: Why black men don’t want to commit and get married

DY: There are actually a ton of Black men who are commitment/marriage-minded. You just have to find and date the ones looking for a commitment with you instead of the ones who aren’t looking for that.

 

Bernette: How do you know when a guy is really interested in you? If he texts instead of calling is that a sign of not being as interested in you?

DY: Whether a guy uses texting or calling as his primary means of communicating with you says more about how comfortable he is with those forms of communication than his feelings about you. As far as your first question, the best way to tell if a guy is into you is how much time does he want to spend around you. If he’s always trying to see you/make time for you, he’s probably into you. If he doesn’t, he’s probably not.

Kaila: What does “let’s see where things go” aka “let’s take it slow” really mean?

DY: Unless he’s responding to you making marriage plans after your first date, “let’s take it slow” usually means “let’s take our time so I can decide whether or not I like you enough to give you more time”

Lynette: What advice could you give to women today who are career driven, who want to be in a relationship, but the timing to find that person isn’t always there?

DY: If you find that your career plans are consistently thwarting your relationship wants, you have to honestly ask yourself which is most important to you. (And yes, I’d say the same thing to a man)

Everfabulous: What does it mean when a man says “You look taken.” What does ‘taken’ look like? If I’m not wearing a ring and I’m well dressed, what is it about me that looks ‘taken’?

DY: Don’t read too much into that. Some men just think that’s a “clever” way to flirt, start a conversation, and get a phone number. (And, from what I’ve, um, “heard,” sometimes it works)

Brandi: Do you think chemistry is important when first meeting someone?

DY: Sure, it matters, but a lack of initial chemistry isn’t a deal breaker. It’s actually somewhat overrated. There are tons of married couples who didn’t have a spark or outstanding chemistry the first time they met each other.

Megan: How long do you think a man needs to heal from an 8 year relationship that was ended by the gf until he is ready to date again? I know it’s different for everyone but just in your opinion. Is it worth the wait? How do I set realistic expectations in terms of dealing with him? How do I avoid being the rebound in this situation?

DY: There’s no set arbitrary time to “get over” someone. Some people take longer than others. But, just as you shouldn’t blame him for taking too long, no one would blame you for deciding that you just didn’t feel like waiting anymore.

Shannon: I left my boyfriend of 3 years to help my sister with her kids (She lives in Germany) & we decided to take a break until I return… He has moved on & now has a girlfriend & I’ve been grieving for over a year now.. I’m soon to return to the states & I want to be back with him but he is still in a relationship with this girl…I love him soo much & I want him in my life… What should I do?

DY: (I’d tell you the same thing I’d tell a person waiting for a new season of “The Wire”)

“It’s over! Time to find a new show

Trina: I’ve recently had several male friends tell me they knew really quickly – like, by the third date – that she was “the one”! Have we women had it wrong all this time? Do guys GENERALLY know that fast? And what holds them back from expressing it if that is the case? Fear?

DY: To put it simply, yes. There are actual studies to confirm this. When men fall in love, we tend to do it much, much quicker than women do. I bet if you asked a bunch of engaged/married men when they first knew they were going to marry their wives, many (if not most) of the answers would be something like “The first time I saw her.”

Kim: How long should u wait to marry your mate…been in a relationship for 11 years…the man wants to wait till he is 40 which is in three more years smh…should the female continue to wait?

DY: It’s usually a good rule of thumb that if you started dating when “Living Single” was still on TV, you’ve probably waited too long.

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