Get It How You Live: Are We Too Quick To Judge Other Women For Dating As Many Men As They Can And Please?

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March 6, 2013 ‐ By Clarke Gail Baines

 

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While going around the Internet being nosy for news, I couldn’t help but notice that Taylor Swift of all people has found herself, or better yet, put herself, in the middle of what some might call a beef with funny ladies Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. If you remember, Fey and Poehler killed as hosts of the Golden Globes in January, and during the show, Fey made a joke at the expense of Swift by saying that the superstar country/pop singer needed to keep her paws away from Michael J. Fox’s son. The joke came soon after Swift’s split with a singer named Harry Styles from the Brit band One Direction, another quick boo-ship gone bad, and though we didn’t get to see her physical reaction via the camera at the Globes, we now know that Swift didn’t take too kindly to the light joke.

In an interview recently with Vanity Fair, Swift was asked about her thoughts on the incident and on the idea of “mean girls,” and she responded by saying the following:

“You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’”

Wow. Swift also went on to say that she’s saddened by people who criticize her for writing about her feelings on past relationships and expressing herself through her music, saying labeling her all these different negative things for doing so comes off somewhat sexist:
“For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her, I think that’s taking something that potentially should be celebrated — a woman writing about her feelings in a confessional way — that’s taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist.”

I’m not going to front, I’ve been one of those people who has looked at Swift arm and arm with dudes like Jake Gyllenhaal, writing about John Mayer, hand and hand with Harry Styles and openly expressing her pain about a list of other teenybopper dudes in her music and thought, “GIRL THAT’S WHAT YOU GET! If you don’t sit down somewhere and give yourself some time before moving on to the next one…!” And that might have something to do with the fact that she’s in the public eye so whomever she dates we end up seeing one way or the other and talking about. And while I think she overreacted with her response for Fey and Poehler with the whole “special place in hell” thing, I slowly started to wonder if people like me and others should be judging her, and other women, for doing what many young women do. Date. A lot.
To be completely honest, who really knows what Swift does with these young men, but the singer, the guy and God? Who knows, they could take her out, wine and dine her, and she could easily grow tired of them and/or their behavior and be ready to see what else is out there. Is that really a crime? Just a week or two ago, one of our writers was encouraging us as women to stop dating so seriously, looking for marriage and commitment after the first date and instead enjoy good conversation and a good time. If it can grow into something bigger, then that’s good. If not, it was an experience you had, maybe a friend you made. Yet and still, not knowing what goes on behind the scenes of Swift’s dating experiences, I’ve seen black people, white people–many people call her a h*e for dating so many men.
I noticed this “She-needs-to-sit-down-and-stop-being-a-h*e” mentality was normal when other Hollywood starlets’ names would come up. Blake Lively, who is now married to my white boy crush Ryan Reynolds, but was once courted by even finer dudes like Ryan Gosling and Leonardo DiCaprio gets trashed by some of my coworkers on a daily basis  for her dating past. And while I’m no fan of Kim Kardashian or her family, I never understood why she received the “h*e” tag for dating men that wanted to date her–and I’m talking before Kanye. Annoying chick? Yes. H*e? I don’t really see it. Even Zoe Kravitz has been unfairly labeled from time to time for her dating habits.
Some people have the ability to be very chill when it comes to the whole dating thing, and at the same time, very aware of what it is they will and won’t put up with from guys from jump. So while many of us will date, find out that the guy really isn’t a fit for us, and be by ourselves for a while, others move on without feeling too sad about what did and didn’t work, meet someone else they’re interested in and enjoy their company for however long that lasts. Unless they tell you flat out that they’re sleeping with such people, it’s not really fair to assume that that is what comes with having fun while dating. And if they are sleeping with these men…what business is that of ours?
While I’m not a fan of Swift’s music (or her “I love to pretend I’m so shocked by everything” personality), nor of her shade towards two of my favorite female comedians, I can see why she would be frustrated with people coming at her head for dating who she wants, when she wants, how she wants. In fact, she told Vanity Fair she’s only had TWO real relationships, so dating has indeed been what she’s been doing. So to have everyone from teenagers to grown a** women calling her out her name or nitpicking her and her temporary new beaus for what we assume is happening, that must suck. She has no kids she’s exposing men to, no big baggage. So why not? But what I can’t jive with is the fact that she uses every relationship to blast somebody in song form, only giving her innocent side of the story. That doesn’t make her a clingy, insane, desperate woman in my eyes…just a little bogus. But what I think we can take away from people like her and other women  who date so freely is that you should date who you want to date, when you want to date them and how. Get it how you live (please just be safe if you are engaging in more than meals). But shaming folks for having a healthy social life is just a tad bit unfair now that I think about it. Especially since folks love lives are none of my business anyway. I’ll do better…how about you?

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  • Geoff

    I honestly don’t have a problem with Taylor’s dating habits, she’s free to date whoever she wants to. To be honest, I don’t even think that people have criticized her that badly, everything I’ve heard about it was said in a teasing, lighthearted way. My only issue is the fact that she gets to date (and subsequently write songs) about all these guys and gets little to no condemnation, whereas Rihanna, (who’s been single for a good couple of years now) gets crucified on a regular basis. ESPECIALLY when she has a song about/featuring Chris. I know mentioning that brings up a entirely different issue but I just don’t like the ridiculous amount of hypocrisy and judgement between people’s views of the two (exceptionally beautiful and talented, I might add) young women.

  • Taj

    First off, I don’t see any issue with a woman who dates a great number of men — especially if she is not sleeping around. Sometimes, it takes a number of dates to get a good idea of who you are and who you are not compatible with. With that said, I don’t think any celebrity like Taylor Swift should be compared to any average woman. She lives her life in the public eye, uses her relationships to draw attention to herself, and then write about her exes when her relationships fall apart. . . and that is the thing. If her songs were about anonymous relationships, then there wouldn’t be much issue. However, I personally wouldn’t want anyone writing a negative song about me after the fact and don’t know of anyone who would want that either. Furthermore, she may be in her 20s, but she still acts as if she is in high school. IMO, that is not how a “grown” woman who is confident in herself conducts her personal life. A mature woman would try to keep her “private” life separate from her “public” persona and would only reveal her partner to the public eye once she has developed a serious relationship for at least 7-8 months — but then again this goes against how others in Hollyweird conduct their relationships.

    What I find most ironic is how so-called artists like Taylor Swift use the media machine to drive their image, but then cries foul when they get a backlash in terms of public opinion. Personally, I don’t care to hear about the lives of celebrities and only want to hear the music from my favorite music artists. However, I find that I have to go out of my way to find out about music artists (RnB, NeoSoul) that I may be interested in while the information of mainstream artists seems to get crammed down my throat. So, yes. . . when I do come across such stories I do get my chuckles in. Perhaps, if more singers and actors actually focused on being working actors and working singers and less on being celebrities, we wouldn’t have such a celebrity obsessed culture.

  • QueenOfLife

    I dont follow Taylor Swift much, but I do hear/see ppl talking about her all of the time in regards to her “boyfriends”. I think if you are a single woman, you should be able to date whomever you want and how many guys you want given that you are not having SEX with all of them. When you are young, single, and finding yourself I feel that it is OK to date around respectfully. However, it is much harder in the public eye because people are going to automatically assume that you are having sex with these guys. So have fun, be young and date, but be careful. Your reputation could be on the line.

  • scandalous7

    its not the number of men she dates, it is the fact that she is 23 sounding like she is 15, thats the issue

  • Babydoll 70

    Dating doesn’t necessarily mean you are sleeping with those persons. It should mean just that dating.

  • minerva

    when I was a teenager, YOUNG adult, I was taught to date around,test the waters

    so to speak- didn’t say nothing about screwing every one of them!!

    how do you know what you like-don’t like if you tie yourself

    to one so young? probably why divorce is so prevalent in today’s society: people

    don’t give themselves the opportunity to grow or learn themselves………

    I say enjoy your youth–its over before you know it!

    lesson: you’re young for such a brief period; you’re old the rest of your life!! ENJOY!!

    • QueenOfLife

      I TOTALLY agree!

  • Lana

    She can date whoever she wants but do we need to hear about how they did her wrong? That’s the problem! She’s always blaming the guys and what she did at the Grammys made her look childish and crazy. She did the same with Joe Jonas, publicly bashing him on the Ellen show. We’ve never heard the guys say anything bad about her and people would have called them names if they said something. She needs some “me” time just like Tina Fey said to figure out what she’s looking for in a guy. I used to like her, I had her “Fearless” album. I’m so over her!

  • Lana

    She can date whoever she wants but do we need to hear about how they did her wrong? That’s the problem! She’s always blaming the guys and what she did at the Grammys made her look childish and crazy. She did the same with Joe Jonas, publicly bashing him on the Ellen show. We’ve never heard the guys say anything bad about her and people would have called them names if they said something. She needs some “me” time just like Tina Fey said to figure out what she’s looking for in a guy. I used to like her, I had her “Fearless” album. I’m so over her!

  • Guest

    She can date whoever she wants but do we need to hear about how they did her wrong? That’s the problem! She’s always blaming the guys and what she did at the Grammys made her look childish and crazy. She did the same with Joe Jonas, publicly bashing him on the Ellen show. We’ve never heard the guys say anything bad about her and people would have called them names if they said something. She needs some “me” time just like Tina Fey said to figure out what she’s looking for in a guy. I used to like her, I had her “Fearless” album.

  • Guest

    She can date whoever she wants but do we need to hear about how they did her wrong? That’s the problem! She’s always blaming the guys and what she did at the Grammys made her look childish and crazy. She did the same with Joe Jonas, publicly bashing him on the Ellen show. We’ve never heard the guys say anything bad about her and people would have called them names if they said something. She needs some “me” time just like Tina Fey said to figure out what she’s looking for in a guy. I used to like her, I had her “Fearless” album.

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  • kierah

    I don’t care how many men she dates. It’s the desperate and clingy way that she acts that gets under my fingernails. She’s all tough girl when it’s done and she’s writing the songs, but does she spend ANY time thinking about her part? Take a little responsibility.
    Dear Taylor,
    Buying a home next to your 18 year old boyfriend’s family after dating for less than a year is not the business. You look thirsty. Of course, this kid is going to run from you. Lying about it to Vanity Fair wasn’t a good idea. They caught you in the lie and now you look Gone With the Wind Crazy.
    Going to your boyfriend’s family wedding uninvited and getting asked to leave isn’t going to endear yourself to them.
    Maybe you should wait a few months before meeting someone’s parents. You take it as a sign of getting serious. He takes it as having some holiday nookie. Learn the difference.
    Make that dude fly over from London for you sometimes. And you don’t need to scope houses in London. Is he checking the real estate ads for some property stateside?
    When you want to have adult relationships, it’s best to start with an adult (an 18 year old, really?). Then find one that’s more in your lane (serial daters like John Mayer are way too fast for you). Take some responsibility for the relationship and for the public’s perception of you.
    We used to call girls like you “chickenheads” – running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Still fits.
    Just some advice from someone who has been there and done that.

  • anna

    Hello ladies,
    Not here to justify swift as I think she is immature, but to give my experience. I date a lot of men( av 10a year) and at each time just one. How come they come and go so fast ?

    Cos I have standards don’t put up with men who don’t put effort in or are the just fun type. I recon I takes no more than a month to see what’s what.. Of course here u need to know the diff between being a princess with crazy expextations anx genuinely knowing when u dont feel right in a situstion, when u don’t feel well courted, thetes no connection and u know ur ok with urself enough to chose to be on ur own instead of projecting ur expectations of what u want the guy to be and hoping u can change him. Now why so many men around but not a single good pick ?

    The e reality is most of us beautiful ladies attract men’s attention and if we are sociable go out have a brain and smile a lot that draws men towards us. …that is all sort of men and its on u to judge the character, how else u gonna know if hes compatible or serious if u don’t let them take u out for a drink a few times ? Plus in ur 20s not that many (especially good looking men ) want a relationship.

    As a rule I don’t sleep with them untill there’s deeper involvement connection and statements of him being in for a relationship. In this way I learn a lot about people life and men as well as my likes dislikes and my reactions to situations at the same time maintaining my emotional health.

  • contribuorM

    Who cares. That peraon is just top buay racking up experience points.

  • Nikki

    She gives her point of view, which happens as a song writer. I happen to be a huge fan of her music and I can see how her songs have progressed. Some songs on her new album (Red) have a very mature sound. She is damn near bearing her soul on some of those tracks. It’s beautiful. She doesn’t BASH them. She EXPLAINS her feelings. Those are the ONLY feelings she is in tune enough with to express.

    • Lana

      She did bash Joe Jonas on the Ellen show, saying he broke up with her on the phone in 27 seconds and that “Forever and always” was about him. She used to say that she’d just let her music speak for her and that she’d never tell which song is inspired by who. In the Vanity Fair interview, one of her friends said Harry wore her out. Seriously, we don’t need to hear about that, especially when Harry’s been saying nice things about her everywhere. He may not even mean what he says but he comes off as a bit more mature. I loved her “Fearless”, “Speak Now” and “Red” albums but her personality is off-putting.

      • Nikki

        She didn’t bash him. I saw the one you are talking about. She said that she isn’t going to sit around and cry about a guy that broke up with her like that. I haven’t seen the Vanity Fair interview, but I read in some other article that she broke up with him because he was making out with another girl…

        • Lana

          She puts her business out there and then complains that people pay attention to who she’s dating. I understand that it’s difficult for her to be dating in the public eye but there are other singers who write about their love life and date other celebrities and we don’t know which songs are about who. It’s taking the attention away from her talent. Look at the song she wrote for that little boy who died of cancer. It’s beautiful. She should write about things like that.

      • Babydoll 70

        I haven’t particularly followed her music but most songwriter’s write about loves lost and about being done wrong. I don’t know of any who haven’t.

  • Trisha_B

    My thing w/ Taylor, it seems she just dates these other celebs just for a hit record. Shes like 20 & been seen w/ how many men? Other celebs try to keep their relationships low-key until they get serious. Taylor can be w/ one guy one month & then the next month shes w/ someone else lol. She does interviews talking about how great these boys are then when they break up, shes bashing him in a song. Shes a man eater lol. Its not cute at all. Jennifer Lopez had to deal w/ being called JHo for marrying these men, but Taylor is our american sweetheart b/c she writes cutesy songs on a guitar

    • Nikki

      You do realize that by the time we find out, they have probably been dating for a few months?

  • KO

    The problem isn’t that Taylor dates the problem is that she seems to continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. She doesn’t seem to be learning from the mistakes she has made from her past relationships. And then she has the nerve to write music bashing her ex lovers and putting all the blame on them for the demise of that relationship. Relationships don’t fail because of one person. There two people in the relationship therefore both people are to blame for its end

    • Nikki

      She is dating guys that she thinks she likes and then breaking up with them when she realizes that the relationship isn’t working out. That sounds like a sensible lady to me. It’s certainly better than staying in a relationship to “save face”.

      • mac

        Serial dating sounds sensible to you?

        A sensible lady builds a friendship with a man, and through that friendship, determines if a relationship could work between them. They don’t jump into a relationship seemingly after a few dates, and hope for the best. And a sensible lady realizes that if she’s had that many failed relationships in a short amount of time, it’s time to take a break from dating, do some self-evaluating, and learn how to be happy alone for some time.

        There’s absolutely nothing “sensible” about dating over 13 guys in 3 years.

        • Nikki

          She’s only dated 2 guys since 2010. It is 2013….how does that add up to 13 guys in 3 years. How do you know they weren’t friends before? We don’t know how long she has known these people. They could have been friends for years and then decided to date (yes, I notice you said “seemingly”). Sometimes things don’t work out.

    • minerva

      its okay to be young and dumb; its a sin to be an old damned fool!! allow this young lady
      the priviledge of youth !

  • Bella

    I agree that people, especially women are fantastic at slut-shaming other women, especially with the dating habits of Taylor. However, when she started out, she was created this perception of herself as America’s Sweetheart, the unattainable girl next door and a young girl of purity close to godliness, so I guess the long line of men she’s been connected to may have taken people by surprise and ultimately looked at her like a h*e.

    I also think the society we live in still calls for ‘traditional’ values when dating and more, even when we’re living in such a modern time. Sometimes, women can be their own worst enemy when it comes to progress in female sexuality and Taylor’s case shows this. She’s old enough to make her own choices whether you agree with them or not. We as women should create an environment where women can speak freely about their relationships and the men/women they date WITHOUT judgement, whether we agree or not. Once this happens, we won’t need to call other women h*es and such.

    • Chey

      If you don’t want to be called one, stop acting like one.

      • Babydoll 70

        How is dating synonymous with being a “garden tool”. None of us knows if she is sleeping with these guys or not. Dating doesn’t equate to having sex.

  • http://www.facebook.com/amanda.browne.7165 Amanda D. Browne

    It’s okay that we she dates around. She’s young and single, that’s what young and single people do. The issue is that in the public eye, it looks like she is dating these guys just to get her next hit on the charts. Not to find love. Also, that “special place in hell” bit was an incredibly dramatic response to a lighthearted joke. She seems very sensitive. Maybe if she had more confidence she wouldn’t feel the need to make every song about ex-boyfriends and lash out at people who comment about it.

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