Hide Your Wallet, Hide Your Kindle: 11 People You’ll Find On Public Transportation (And A Few To Avoid At All Costs)

February 19, 2013  |  
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Ah, the every day rat race. If it isn’t bad enough to have to pull yourself out of bed to get to work, it might be worse when you have to hop on public transportation and deal with funk, funky attitudes, sweaty and confined spaces and suspicious looking characters all around. But for anybody who rides these forms of transportation on a regular basis, it’s nothing new. For those that don’t, be warned. Here are just a few people you will probably see acting a fool on public transportation, and chances are, they might end up sitting right. Next. To. You.

The Dancer

Nothing amuses me more on public transportation then the individual, headphones in and music player on, busting a move while standing in front of one of the exit doors. Maybe they’re part of a dance troupe, maybe they’re a choreographer for a living, but the person pop locking and sliding like Usher in 1997 during his My Way days and then abruptly stopping when the doors open keep everybody entertained on the low. I don’t know what they’re listening to, but they need to start asking for donations with all the side eyes and confused faces they receive.

The Seat Squeezer

You know what might happen when you sit down on the outside of a seat of three–someone might try and sit in the middle between you and another passenger. However, when it’s winter and your coat is puffy, or your thigh is moving into that middle seat, you only hope that folks will realize that standing is the best option. But find yourself in the pre or post-work rush and somebody will eye the seat between you, think about it to decide if the pending discomfort is worth it, and then decide to use their big ‘ol hips to pop a squat between you. And in the end, they don’t feel bad, sad or any kind of way at all because they finally get to rest their feet. Unfortunately, they are able to do so by squishing your body up against a pole in the process. If your body don’t fit, you can’t sit!

The Creepy Dude Who Loves Packed Transportation

Hopping on a pack train or bus is a nightmare for anyone in the morning, but it’s a sacrifice you make when trying to get to your job on time. Especially when you know you were moving late in the morning…

Anywho, so you’re standing and trying not to sweat to death in your crowded mode of transportation, and then all of a sudden, the door opens and a guy stands close next to you, so close his loins are uncomfortably rested on your back or butt. If you’ve ever been on a packed subway in New York, you’ve probably experienced this at least once. Just a few months ago, while wearing a summer dress, a guy moved past me and rubbed his junk on my a** as he quickly exited the train for his stop. It’s bad enough when I find myself up too close next to a woman (breast to breast is terrible too), but there’s nothing creepier than a strange man who might have freaky-schneeky intentions basically copping a feel when you’re just trying to get to work.

The Person Who Wants Everyone To Know Their Business Or What They’re Listening To

From the person who has a loud conversation about their deadbeat boyfriend with a friend, to the lady who curses someone out on her phone in front of everybody, people treat public transportation like it’s their private home. And if those people don’t sound bad enough, I want to give a special shout out (of the negative kind) to the person who doesn’t believe in headphones but wants to listen to the most ratchet of music in front of people just trying to get from point A to B. No, I don’t want to hear that new French Montana, thank you very much. And I’m glad you’re proud that you know all the words. Now please go and invest in a pair of dollar store headphones!

The Person With A Bad Attitude For No Reason

This one’s for the people who mean mug when you accidentally bump into them while trying to get into an open space (yet they wouldn’t move their feet). You’ve dealt with these funky people before. Ever got on public transportation and accidentally bumped into someone, and even though you said sorry, they still have a permanent look of distaste on their face? Look boo, you’re not in your living room, and while we would all love our personal space respected, sometimes ish happens. Once someone says sorry, get over yourself. But then again, if they don’t say anything, then maybe…just maybe, you might have a reason to act a fool.

The Candy Sellers, Multifaceted Performers, And DVD Purveyors

Get your ducats ready ya’ll! Because on public transportation, anybody with enough room in their bookbag will sell M&Ms (peanut only of course), Welch’s fruit snacks, cookies, quarter waters, DVDs (adult films if you’re kinky), with a side of backflips, guitar playing and hat tricks. Because there are so many people in one spot at one time probably looking for food or entertainment, you can get some easy money pretty quickly on public trans. My favorite part is watching the young men and women use selling candy as an excuse not to act a fool on the streets (“I don’t play for a basketball team, but I’m trying to make some honest money”). But you should be choosy about who you share your coins with, because all the hat throwing and those body rolls aren’t ALL worth your hard-earned dollars.

The Person With Bad Hygiene

From the person who slips their shoes off at the wrong moment in a packed train to the person who forgot to put their deodorant on before hopping on board on a hot day, urine smells, menstrual smells, I-missed-the-tub smells, I’ve-got-athlete’s-foot smells and more are pretty prevalent. And nothing is worse than stepping on to a train that smells like spoiled cheese, only to try and turn and run out, but have the doors close on you. Breath out of your nose and run for a more ventilated area when your opportunity comes.

Reckless People You Should Avoid Eye Contact With

From the young people talking extremely loudly who will embarrass your whole life if you ask them to be quiet, to the person whose eyes just scream crazy, there’s just some people you have to tread lightly around for fear of getting cut when you’re just trying to get home. While trying to take my sister to the airport, a homeless man once freaked out when people opted NOT to sit next him, started cursing, pulled out a lighter, and screamed “I’ll set your a** on fire!”

Yeah, it took everything in me not to just start running. To be honest, you might be better off just keeping your head down and listening to your music your entire ride, because folks with a lack of sense can smell fear…

The PDA People

Ugh. Nothing worse than watching people sit on each other’s laps, leaning on each other and making out, putting their hands in risqué places and pretend they’re in a boudoir rather than on public transportation. Get a room! I’m all for a quick and sweet peck, or one person embracing the other in a caring manner, but if you’re going to strike straight for tongue in front of (or even worse, between) other passengers, don’t get upset when you look up and see someone giving you the death face. Just saying.

The Seat Snatcher

This one is for the thirst mongers who will literally box you out to get a seat on the train. Pregnant women, hurt people, people with strollers and the elderly can always sit down around me, but I’m fighting to the death for a free seat amongst the young, healthy and lazy. And if you snooze, you lose, so you have to learn how to move fast without knocking anybody down. But does anybody else get a little angry when men big and strong looking men bumrush folks to pop a squat? Do better fellas, do better.

And Regular Snatchers…

Thieves of course are some of the most important people to keep your eyes glued on ladies and gentlemen. When you’re not paying enough attention, they’ll try and pick something out of your pocket, snatch a pair of Beats by Dre headphones right off your head and grab the phone right out of your hands. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. More than anything, try to keep your eyes on your surroundings, try not to flash everything you have and just be careful. You can never be too careful around folks who never seem to be too crazy…


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