Can I Get An Amen? 9 People You’ll Meet At Church

February 18, 2013  |  
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Long before I ever really knew the true significance of church, I always enjoyed going. The music was good. It was an opportunity to get dressed up. And before I settled in for my standard nap on my mom’s lap, I noticed that some of the people were off the chain. As I got older and stayed awake a little bit longer, I noticed the people at a black church, often fall in one of a few categories. Check them out and let us know if you know someone just like this at your house of worship.

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The Talker

For some people, church is the highlight of their social week. All of their friends, enemies and associates are there. And instead of showing reverence for God’s house and actually making an attempt to listen to the sermon, they use the time to chat with the people around them, even if the people around them aren’t trying to hear all that. And it’s not like their conversation necessarily has anything to do with the message. They just have to be saying something. Rivaling the pastor for the most words spoken, these people often distract from the reason you came to church in the first place.

 

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The Cosigner

Like “the talker,” the co-signer is another person who can’t keep his or her mouth shut. But at least the cosigner stays on message. The cosigner can relate to everything the pastor is saying all the time. In fact, the cosigner knows what the pastor is going to say before he or she even says it. If the pastor says, “God has been so..” The cosigner’s goal is to say “goot!” before anyone else can. The cosigner wants you to know that he and the pastor are road dogs, so in sync that he runs his sermons by the cosigner before he delivers them to the congregation.

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The Gossiper

This is the person who always has the latest tea. And they’re here at church to spread it like the gospel. Usually, the gossiper waits until after service is over to talk about Sister Johnson’s failed marriage or explain why Sister Beverly’s son hasn’t been to church in the past  three weeks. But if the gossip is particularly juicy she just might have to pull you away from the sermon to share what she knows.

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The Church Hat Killer

If you go to an old school church or if you have an old schooler who attends your new age worship service, you know the church hat well. In fact, since you’ve spent the last hour and a half staring at it, you know that church hat better than you know the face of the woman wearing it. Even though, you have to admit that the hat is fly, you’ve developed a severe crick in your neck from sitting at such an odd angle attempting to see around it.

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The Wanna-Be First Ladies

Don’t let the age of the ladies in the above photo throw you off. If there’s a preacher, who just happens to be single, regardless of his age, even the old biddies will be trying to push up on him. And if you go to one of those scandalous churches, you’ll find the women still trying to get with the pastor even his wife is sitting front and center on that first pew every Sunday.

The other side of the Wanna-Be First Ladies coin is not so much that they want to get with the pastor, they just want to run with the pastor’s wife. They want to shop where she shops. Brunch where she brunches. Basically, they want to be her best friend. Sometimes they’re attracted to the position of power and believe it will elevate them as well. Other times they want to get close to her just so they can get the gossip about a man so revered in the community.

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The Prowler

When I originally thought about the church prowler, I envisioned a man; but don’t be fooled, I’ve seen plenty of women in low cut shirts and tight skirts to know that there are plenty of women who come to church to catch a man. But in the cast that it is a man, this brotha is not really here to get to know God. He’d much rather get to know some of his creations…biblically. He’s there to get that good-Christian girl booty. He spends most of his Sundays searching for his next victim. When he first approaches he may pretend that he’s in need of a prayer partner, someone to hold him accountable. Girl, don’t be fooled. He wants you on your knees but not necessarily in prayer position.

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The Scripture Reciter

If there were ever a place to quote scripture, church would be that place. But the Scripture Reciter takes it a bit further. She doesn’t speak English but rather King James or New International. If you ask her a simple question like how she’s doing, without fail, she’ll respond with an “Oh, I’m a little tired but the Lord is my strength and my portion forever.” If you ask her if she’s making it through the blizzard, she’ll say “This is the day, the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.” As comical as the scripture quoter is, you can’t be mad that she’s trying to maintain a positive outlook on life. As crazy as this world can get, it never hurts to have a “no weapon formed against me shall prosper” in your back pocket.

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The Alcoholic

We’re all works in progress, at different points in our walk with Jesus. We can all make some improvements. And this certainly applies to the alcoholic who knew it was important to be in church but didn’t quite understand that maybe having the smell of liquor seeping out of his or her pores might not have been the best decision. This also applies to the Mary Jane smokers.

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The Holy Ghost Catcher

This person, usually a woman, has probably been through more than you and I could ever imagine. And for that reason when the music or the message sparks a memory of all they’ve overcome, then the spirit, the Holy Spirit, takes over and their out their seat, in the aisle moving to some unrehearsed, sporadic choreography. If you’ve never had the privilege of witnessing this sacred, yet spectacular experience, the lady in the gif above is illustrating my point pretty well.

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  • Bilal

    So sad! These are some of the reasons why I’m a Muslim.

  • Some, I daresay most, of those “Holy Ghost Catchers” are fakes!! It was so ridiculous at one church I went to, Sister Sharp had her OWN Holy Ghost music! It was the most ratchet spectacle you ever wanted to see. Every Sunday she would “catch” the Holy Ghost and she was so predictable you knew when she was going to go. The choir director, Tim, had a whole organ piece ready for her. When she stood up, that organ started going and so did she!

  • People go to Church to Worship and get free. I just find it tasteless to make fun of the Church. It’s a serious matter.

  • britchick91

    It used to scare the mess outta me as a child seeing people get in the spirit

  • K

    yassssss please dont forget the candy lady, i promise you just a month ago was at church and mee maw damned near forced the “peppamints” in my hand she was passing out & i attend a so called “mega church” not even a storefront still get the same behavior of a church on a dirt road down south in 1942

  • kierah

    You left out the candy lady – she stays handing out Brach’s hard candies from the Woolworth’s bins from 1975. She rustles the wrappers during service and always smells of butterscotch.

    • CeCe

      LMBO!ROTDF!!! U had me at “Brach’s hard candies”!

    • LMFAO FROM 1975 THO

  • Ann

    You do definitely have all the above. Playas in the church as well, and like the author stated a lot of single women do go after the pastor especially if he is single. They will move to another state to get with that pastor. It happens all the time.

  • FunnyChick

    When i was younger there was a man, i think he was an usher or something… every Sunday, dude caught the holy ghost and ran circles around the entire sanctuary like 5 times, and it was huge!!! Oh and add in antsy bad kids, i should know cause i was one of them!!!

  • BobbyBrownsUnhingedLowerJaw

    Lol! i KNOW ALL OF THESE AND I AM ONE, TOO! LOL!!!!