Ask A Very Smart Brotha: 180 Day Rule, Brownie Points & Stringing You Along

February 13, 2013  |  

Nina: If a man tells a woman he only wants to be friends… Why does he still show interest?

DY: Because saying “I don’t want a relationship and I want to be friends” is usually manspeak for “I want to continue to hit it as long as I can without you hating me. And, if you catch feelings, I want to always be able to come back and say “But…I said I didn’t want a relationship”


Shaleith: Ok I have a question….why can’t someone see that squandering away their money on unnecessary things when they have bills to pay is madness?

DY: “Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why did Judas rat to Romans while Jesus slept?”


Candis: Why is it guys talk about doing something nice, like cook you dinner, or take you out. Then in the same breath say “and then screw your brains out” like that’s suppose to make me feel like a woman? Why do they mess up the vibe like that?

DY: Some guys suck at communication. And, when you suck at communication, you’re not very good at seduction. One thing you have to realize, though, is that for some women, hearing “I’m going to screw your brains out” turns them on even more. Perhaps that’s want he’s used to dealing with. Basically, it’s up to you to express to him that hearing things like that take you out of the mood. If you don’t tell him, how will he know?


Norca: I need a Valentine’s Day gift idea for my BF. He has everything already! Please help! Thanks!

DY: Experiences—tickets to a game, a personalized lap dance video, a weekend getaway, etc—never hurt. Neither does a steak and BJ.


Wanda: Steve Harvey suggests we make a man wait 6 months before giving him ‘the cookie’. Is a man going to wait that long, or is he just getting his cookies somewhere else while you make him wait? And is a woman who doesn’t make a man wait a keeper?

DY: I thought it was 90 days, not 180? Oh well. Anyway, if a guy really wants to be with you, it’s not going to matter how long he has to wait (or how quick it happens). Obviously, if you make someone wait 20 years (or give it up in 20 seconds), that’s probably not going to end well, but aside from staying away from extremes, there’s really no arbitrary set time on how long you should wait to sleep with a man.
The only clock you should be on is your own. Basically, ask yourself if you’re ready, and don’t do it unless you’re 100% sure your answer is yes.


Erica: Why do men want brownie points for what they as a MAN in the relationship are suppose to be doing in the first place? I understand appreciation but doing the bare minimum isn’t really doing anything at all.

DY: Doesn’t everyone strive for brownie points, though? Couldn’t you say the same thing about women who want praise for being independent? I agree that it’s annoying, but this isn’t a gender specific trait.


Adria: When do you think is the right time to introduce your child/ren to someone new that you are dating??

DY: Opinions vary about this, but I think the best (and safest) time to do this is after you’re sure he’s going to be in your life for an extended period of time.


Annissa: Why does a man say I still love u but clearly is messing with someone else??

DY: He still wants you to love him.

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  • bluekissess

    Im laughing at Shalkeith question and the answer. She was serious? This love/dating thing gives me a headache. Whatever happened to SIMPLE?

  • Candacey Doris

    The answer to the first girl Nina is very true! If he says “i just want to be friends” and i still trying to get it he wants to be a certain kind of friend! Don’t fall for it unless you are sure you won’t get feelings for him. And the other girl Erica asked a question i always want to know the answer to. And even people you aren’t dating yet act that way! They act like they should get brownie points for having a job, no kids and little to no arrest record is something that they should get put on a pedestal for! No, that’s what should be normal for all men!

  • Laine

    I never fully understood the 90 (yes, it’s 90, not 180 hahah) days rule. Is the man allowed to sleep with other women in that time period..??

    • Candacey Doris

      Supposedly no.

      • Nope

        Why not? What do they people owe another? I thought that was the point…

      • kiesh

        Who told you that?

        • Candacey Doris

          Tthis is what my friend who is in a celibate relationship says. The supposedly come in because i don’t think her BF can last that long. He was a very active guy before they started going out so…

    • yeppers

      He can do whatever makes the sky blue in that time period….my only concern is that he WONT be doing it with me….. lol and If i find out he wont EVER be doing it with me…. This is while we are dating of course.

    • Nope

      Waiting for someone, and waiting with someone are two completely different things.

    • kiesh

      “Dating” is not the same as “in a relationship” so they’re “allowed” to do whatever they want. Whether the woman is sleeping with him in that time frame or not, he’s still dating and sleeping with other women. And hopefully she’s dating other people too. People get hung up on the number of days and miss the point, which is to get to know someone before sleeping with them if you are looking for a meaningful relationship. If the woman is comfy getting down on day 1 that’s her prerogative too. Nothing wrong with either approach if it’s what the woman is 100% comfy with.