You Want Me To Do What!? 9 Very Random, Rachet And Reckless Sex Positions You Should Pass On For Valentine’s Day

February 13, 2013 ‐ By IndigoBlack


While Valentine’s Day is a great deal about showing love to your partner, getting flowers and candy, and all that sweet Hallmark jazz, just as you get candy for Halloween and gifts for Christmas, you get some sex for Valentine’s Day. Well, hopefully you will, if not, that’s cool too. But in your enthusiasm about the day of love, don’t find yourself in a position you’ll regret. Like being booty to booty with your man or falling on your head in an attempt to do a handstand to assume a sexual position. Sometimes it’s nice to keep it simple, and other times it’s nice to spice things up. But don’t jack things up (especially your body) when trying to show your wild side. So if your man wants you to try these nine moves (some have links to actual photos of the move), as they say in D.A.R.E., just say no.

*Be prepared for some really PG talk and references to the female and male anatomy, because WordPress doesn’t play that…

MadameNoire Video

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
  • wth

    Def a blk ppl mag.

  • jim r

    This list is ridiculous. the abe lincoln is just a variation of gorilla mask, and there a million positions that you can look up on urban dictionary. dirty sanchez, clown face, rusty trombone, Cleveland steamer, donkey punch, superman (as in “superman that ho'”), red wings, pink sock and the filthy earL (it’s regional to the southwest, where the man finishes in his partners ear) just to name of the more popular ones. I wonder why the article didn’t go full frontal and just write on all those positions.

  • DaTruf

    Number 10? How in the hell is he supposed to get his balls in your ***hole? I mean, exactly how BIG is your ***hole to be able to fit some balls in it without a considerable amount of work and pain on the guy’s part. I mean, does he need to try to figure a way to cram ’em in there, or are you so wide that they automatically just land in there? Either scenario seems unlikely, gross, and/or painful. Sounds like some more made up unrealistic bull. NOBODY, and I mean nobody, does this or HAS done this.

    • Dave Herrington

      As implausible as this sounds, with the nutcases out there, someone has tried this, remember the pet shop fad? Still this seems painful, my balls aren’t big at all, but even than I can’t see stretching out my wife’s b-hole that much.

  • Guest

    The Abe Lincoln is not real. That’s some ish made up by a 12 year old boy who has never seen a pair of boobs, much less had sex. As a matter of fact, half of these positions are suspect. Nobody does most of this ish really. Seriously.

  • Whippit

    I occasionally come onto this website, by mistake, and am endlessly amused by the antics, concerns and the scribbled hooting of The Lesser Hominids.
    What planetary smears.
    Got extirpation ?

  • Mr. Miz

    1. What idiot would think that would be fun?

    2. If a woman’s willing to allow you to release on her face, why would you want to ruin it?
    Moreover, what makes you think you can improve on that?

    3. Yeah, ‘cause even though already having a headache’s a time-honored excuse, giving her one in the act won’t shut things down.

    4. Just have her lie down on the bed with her hips at the edge; much easier for her which means she’s happy.

    5. This one’s more effort than its worth.

    6. Again, just skip the hernia in waiting and just have her lie down on the bed.

    7. First, this whole handstand thing’s idiotic. Second, if anything’s sticky, he hasn’t done his job.

    8. This doesn’t sound remotely fun. At all….

    9. This doesn’t really sound plausible. In the 1 hole maybe but the 2; I think not.

  • Kiesha Pinky Makins


  • Taneesha Culture Clash Thomas

    lmao!!! next time i need to see pictures because some of this stuff i can’t even imagine

  • queen

    omd. twisted doggy where the guy is twerking??? geez could the description be any worse?

  • All of these are effing hilarious!!! I literally laughed out loud at my desk pretty hard!!!

  • lmfaoooooo abe lincoln !! what? that is too funny

  • iHeartMarijuana

    What the hell. Most of these seem pointless. Like someone wrote a book on “How to Have Sex Wrong.” Although that Fandango thing doesn’t seem so bad. And the one where he was picking her up backwards didn’t seem bad either.

  • bigdawgman

    I think people who ain’t gettin’ none and watch too much pron all day long come up with some of these. That Abe and the dog???? Only people who have never had any would think this would be something to do.

    • Mike

      For the universal truth of life in 3 pages, Google “TruthContest” and Click on “The Present”./

  • bigdawgman

    Well that last one has my boys hurting for real. Thanks for ruining v-day for me $%^^&#$%%s!!

  • Nope

    Most of these require a certain level of physical fitness anyway. If you get winded by sex, then don’t even bother reading any of these.

  • IllyPhilly

    This is sh!t people just say. Wild raunchy sex for most is just more than one person with the lights on. Real freaks are not paying attention to this stupidity.

  • Kahekili

    Everything is ‘ratchet’ nowadays. I can’t wait until that word is no longer used in this manner.

  • Ms. Kameria


  • hollyw

    Omg all of these were HORRIBLE…way to pick out the most uncomfortable, twisted, and gross positions from the Kama Sutra Manual, MN lol!

    • Dave Herrington

      Wasn’t that the point of having an article titled 9 positions you should never do?

  • hiswomanandlovingit

    Unless you gape the dog in a bathtub thing doesn’t even sound like it would be pleasant for either person. You know what, I have just thought waaaay too much into that. I am gonna go find some mind bleach.

    • Mr. Miz

      I don’t know that that could be pleasant even with a gape, especially since it seems like a gape’s hard to hold when there’s any sort of stimulation there.

  • ctp

    gross act.