You Want Me To Do What!? 9 Very Random, Rachet And Reckless Sex Positions You Should Pass On For Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2013  |  
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While Valentine’s Day is a great deal about showing love to your partner, getting flowers and candy, and all that sweet Hallmark jazz, just as you get candy for Halloween and gifts for Christmas, you get some sex for Valentine’s Day. Well, hopefully you will, if not, that’s cool too. But in your enthusiasm about the day of love, don’t find yourself in a position you’ll regret. Like being booty to booty with your man or falling on your head in an attempt to do a handstand to assume a sexual position. Sometimes it’s nice to keep it simple, and other times it’s nice to spice things up. But don’t jack things up (especially your body) when trying to show your wild side. So if your man wants you to try these nine moves (some have links to actual photos of the move), as they say in D.A.R.E., just say no.

*Be prepared for some really PG talk and references to the female and male anatomy, because WordPress doesn’t play that…


The Sacred Arch

From the name, it doesn’t sound all that bad, right? Well, in reality, it’s not all that bad…if you’re like one of the most flexible people on earth with a high tolerance for pain and bulls**t. What’s supposed to happen is that the woman bends over backwards with her hands on the floor, and to help you get some extra semblance of support, you wrap your leg around his back. By doing so, your man ends up with access to the “honey pot” so he can penetrate, and you, on the other hand, end the night with a bad back ache, all because you were trying to be adventurous. If you’re bad, you’re more than welcome to try the move, but have some Advil on standby after the fact….

The Abe Lincoln

This has nothing to do with going and seeing the movie Lincoln, and trust, there’s nothing alluring about that. Instead, it has to do with one partner looking like Abraham Lincoln after the sexual experience has ended. Probably the dumbest sex position I’ve read about…today…it’s a winner for the person who cares a little bit about hygiene, but not really. What’s supposed to happen is that before sex, either you shave your partner’s nether regions or he does it himself. He collects the hair in a bag, and after “reaching his peak” your beau is to release on your face–and then pour the hair on it to make you look like you have Lincoln’s beard. This plan would be okay if we could stop the whole thing after the shaving process. Some men know they need to mow their lawns badly…like five-months-ago-would-have-been-nice badly.

The Downward Motion

Don’t get it twisted, ya’ll. Just because this one doesn’t have a complex or freak-tastic name doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.

What’s expected of the man? Just stand against the wall. What’s expected for the woman? Get into a handstand and rest your feet against the wall with your legs bent. As the blood rushes to your head, he holds your hips to keep you up and goes to town. I don’t know about you, but any upside down moments for me tend to make me want to faint, but if you can take all the force of the penetration without passing out or worse, falling on your damn head, then kudos to you.

The Pair Of Tongs

Oooooh child, this one only works for those who’ve been working hard on their biceps and triceps for a while. A classic Kama Sutra move (not all of those things make sense), it’s more about the acrobats than getting that good loving. You, the hard-working woman, will somehow find yourself, one arm on the ground, doing a side plank (yoga style), while homeboy holds your leg and waist. If that wasn’t enough, he stands over your other leg and gets in where he fits in (if you know what I mean). This isn’t an impossible move, but real talk, how long could you truly hold this position? Sex is already exercise, you don’t literally have to be in the bedroom doing one-arm push ups…

See what this one looks like here.

Twisted Doggy Style

What is supposed to be hot and alluring looks like your man is twerk dancing on you while you are bent over looking for a lost contact. The twisted doggy style can be used to penetrate in your vag or in the back, but it’s said to be more suited for the latter. You get down on your knees and your man bends down over your a**, goes in over that hole at a downward angle and then goes in and out, up and down. It’s a whole lot of booty on booty action, and yes, it looks as crazy as it sounds. But hey, if you’re down, do the damn thing!

The Triple Lindy

It’s just like getting on a swing ya’ll! Or not. Maybe it’s best to describe this as doing the superman with your legs wrapped around your partner. You can describe it as a lot of things, but I look at it as a disaster waiting to happen. For the buff and beautiful, the woman starts by being bent over, and then the man picks her up from behind. Said woman wraps her legs around her man’s waist, aligning her ladybits with his junk, and then she grabs hold to his arms as he wraps them around her stomach. Take a look at this move, here.  You’re essentially asking for more back problems with this move ladies, and your man needs to be a bodybuilder for a living if you expect to ride this one out for more than a minute. So if your guy’s body is on Urkel status, do not attempt.


The Ice Cream Stand

This one sounds like fun, but it’s no fun for your ladybits. You’re expected to somehow wind up with your legs in the air (the preferred method of finding yourself like this is by way of handstand, but that’s a hell no), and in the end, your man puts ice cream down there and is expected to eat it…out. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with using edible products and actual food to entice a man to head down south, but ice cream!? One, can you say brain freeze? And two, can you say sticky arse mess!? Stick with the simple foods and leave the frozen goods for insertion in the freezer only.

Face-to-Face Fandango

If you’re looking to avoid the pain of a Charlie Horse, know that this move is sure to give you one. A nice aching one in the calf! The position works when the woman lays on her back and then tucks her legs underneath her (you probably need to stretch first). The man basically takes it missionary from there, and as a writer from Cosmopolitan who tried it says, “I felt like I was going to dislocate both of my knees. I had a flash of showing up at work with double leg casts and when people would ask what happened, having to respond, “I fandangoed. Face to face!” while they all looked on in pity.” This one’s for the most flexible chick out there, the rest of us knee-cracking-when-we-bend-down folks need to sit this one out. See what it looks like, here.

Dog In A Bathtub

So what to do with his…uh..oh well, balls? If you try this “dog in a bathtub” move, they have somewhere to go. While engaging in sex, somehow, the man is supposed to have double the fun by putting his sack into your a**hole. Of course, you can’t really keep them in for more than a hot minute if he’s working with the vag, so there’s no real point in doing this move whatsoever. And honestly, it just sounds like “somebody” is trying to be greedy. Let’s just stick to one thing at a time folks!
Have you tried any of these moves before?

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