Straight From His Mouth: Why Do Women Like Unavailable Men?

35 comments
February 11, 2013 ‐ By WisdomIsMisery
Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

It seems like we can’t go a month without hearing about some well-known man cheating on his slightly lesser-known wife. As I wrote about before, I don’t think all men cheat. I don’t even think most men cheat, but I can’t ignore the overwhelming evidence that shows that some men cheat. Often times, we focus on trying to figure out why men cheat and how to keep men faithful – two points I won’t be addressing today just so you know. Instead, I want to figure out what type of women are these men cheating with or as someone blatantly asked me recently, are women attracted to unavailable men?

Yes, sort of.

We hear in detail about the lowly, unsuspecting wife suffering at the hands of her adulterous husband, but it’s rare anyone talks about the mistress(es). While the wife is usually ignorant of the cheating, the not so secret secret is the fact that most mistresses know all about the wife. Stated another way, the “side woman” usually knows there is a “main woman” in the man’s life (I only use these terms because all too many people are settling for a pseudo-“it’s complicated”-relationship over no relationship at all in the year of our Lord 2013). It’s sad, but if the ever imploding relationships of celebrities – and their distant cousins, reality stars – have taught us anything, it’s the fact that most unfaithful men don’t have to lie to the woman they’re unfaithful with. It’s really no wonder why women find it difficult to even trust “good men.” After all, men aren’t doing themselves any favors.

As a man, you can generally comfort any relationship insecurities you might have by knowing that if your woman is going to be unfaithful, it’ll likely be with a man who is better looking, more famous, or richer than you. He will have some tangible quality that you can comfort your ego with later as you stalk her Facebook and Instragram photos of them jet setting and riding in his Lambroghini Mercy. To the degree that you can find comfort in cheating, at least there’s that. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for unfaithful men’s not so discerning taste in women.

It’s bad enough that men are unfaithful, but when men are unfaithful, it just seems like they’re unfaithful with any woman they can manage to get their hands on. Tiger Woods, a billionaire mind you, cheated with about a baker’s dozen worth of women. That’s bad and I’ma let him finish, but what’s worse is the fact that most of those women weren’t attractive enough to inspire a drink purchase at a crowded club from the average man. And yet, for whatever reason, Tiger Woods went out of his way to destroy his marriage and career to sleep with them. In another egregious example, The Dream, who is built only moderately better than a life-size ewok, cheated on Christina Milian. If a woman who looks like Christina Milian can’t keep a man who looks like The Dream faithful, then what help is there for anyone? I could go on listing examples, but to drive this point home for you, I’ll paint this troubling picture for you: If you ask a random group of women to choose a husband between Barack Obama and Wiz Khalifa, an overwhelming majority of women will choose Barack Obama. Your poll results wouldn’t even be close enough to warrant a recount. Conversely, if you ask a group of men to choose a wife between Michelle Obama and Amber Rose, you’d practically have to involve the Supreme Court for a final ruling on the popular vote count.

Further, when it comes to dating, most women think they have less good men to choose from than men have good women to choose from. I don’t know if these women are right or wrong but if perception is reality, it’s no wonder why women are attracted to unavailable man. Although it might be more accurate to say women are attracted to what a committed man (usually) represents more than they are (usually) attracted to the man himself. If you’re single long enough – and not by choice – you notice that the single market isn’t exactly filled with husband and wife material. On the other hand, most committed men – as indicated by their relationship status – have some desirable quality or a number of desirable qualities that made the woman he’s with decide he was worthy of commitment. Additionally, side-women aren’t always interested in stealing your man from the relationship, but they aren’t going to let a little inconvenience like his current relationship status keep them from chasing him either. To be clear, most men know the type of women that’ll disrespect his relationship given the chance, so ultimately, it’s up to him to cut ties with those women before it’s too late; however, for some women, desiring a committed man isn’t much more complicated than a kid who isn’t interested in a toy until someone else starts playing with it.

Why do some women prefer unavailable men? Ladies, have you ever had a friend or foe that wasn’t interested in a man until they found out your official relationship status with him? Fellas, have you had experience with women not showing you any love until you started talking to their friend or got into a serious relationship?

WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his background as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM, on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery, and Instagram: WisdomIsMisery.

More from Styleblazer

More from Mommynoire

MadameNoire Video

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
  • Kath

    Um.. I think I’d much prefer a man for myself and he, a woman for himself. But as you stated, it’s so much being attracted to the man himself, at least not in the first instance, but what he represents. Power/status is very much an important feature for me.

  • Michelle Quick

    I have actually been on both sides of this coin. I was attracted to a married man ONCE. Nothing happened and yes I knew he was married but I couldn’t shut off my attraction or feelings for him. Chemistry is just that. Thankfully, as I said, nothing happened.

    Recently, I began dating someone that is completely single. But he has a married woman friend that lives in another country and whenever she comes to visit, they hook up. He had not talked to her in months until she found out via facebook that we were dating and now she’s ALL UP IN HIS BUSINESS!

    I cut him loose. I’m not gonna compete with that. If he wants to wait around for his little skank to come every few years instead of trying to make it work with a good woman, so be it.

    I think people are just attracted to people. Period. Some people will allow themselves to be controlled by chemistry and some people actually use their brains. And sometimes, we do both. :) JMHO

  • IllyPhilly

    Some women like unavailable men because when it doesn’t work out because it never does, the woman can’t be to blame.

  • meme

    are you taken, if you are tooling for the next one and hooking up with her and lying about your status, or are you just greedy, taking everything that is offered. NaUSTY

  • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme JT

    and NO need to change the title to ‘some women’….if it doesn’t apply,then let it fly. he’s asking about the women who DO….not the women who DON’T.

  • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme JT

    honestly, all of these WHY DO FOLKS CHEAT is really kind of old….and WHY ARE FOLKS ATTRACTED TO UNAVAILABLE FOLKS. If yo ask 100 people, you will get 100 different reasons. MOST could not really honestly justify or expain WHY. I’ll just throw out a few words: Selfish, inconsiderate, low self esteem….I think that pretty much covers most of the WHY’s when you get down to it. So knowing that…NOW WHAT?????

  • Truth Hurts

    My best pickup line has been “I gotta girl” lmao Most women embrace the challenge, or lack there of, of having a committed man. It almost seems as if it earns some women medal like in Call of Duty. And looks HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH KEEPING YO MAN!!! When will you females get this smh. Everybody focuses on what the man was doing instead of what the women WASNT doing. See….the problem is that WOMEN ARE TOO CONCERNED WITH TRYNA GET A MAN AND LESS FOCUSED ON HOW TO KEEP ONE. yall females better take lesson from yall grandma or something lol

    • Kahekili

      Typical nonsense.

  • http://www.facebook.com/trevor.mcholmes Trevor L. McHolmes

    I feel like this topic mirrors what our community used to complain about in news cycles. When we discuss “cheating”, men are usually primarily the subject. That’s why we live in a world where women have a distorted lack of faith in men. Women who cheat are rarely if ever talked about and when discussed, is usually glossed over (due to comparison of men cheating). We also tend to over-simplify what is complex, and complicate what is mostly simple. Cheating is not always black and white. As with anything involving humanity, it is a individualistic thing that has to be examined on a case by case basis. People who haven’t been there tend to speak with an air of moral superiority that in my opinion is ridiculous. In the Bible, when the Pharisees had the audacity to try Jesus on the adultery issue, he punked them via the “Let those of you without sin, cast the first stone” quote…what most dont realize is that he used their false argument against them. Adultery then (as it still is now although not emphasized) is committed by both parties, and thus both are subject to punishment. The Pharisees in their ignorance and arrogance only brought the woman to be judged. We do the same today, we jump the gun and assume that men are the sole proprietors of the cheating business, and dont examine either women who cheat or the female parties to the crime BOTH parties have committed. I could go on but I will end by saying thanks SBM for expanding the conversation.

  • http://www.facebook.com/trevor.mcholmes Trevor L. McHolmes

    I feel like this topic mirrors what our community used to complain about in news cycles. When we discuss “cheating”, men are usually primarily the subject. That’s why we live in a world where women have a distorted lack of faith in men. Women who cheat are rarely if ever talked about and when discussed, is usually glossed over (due to comparison of men cheating). We also tend to over-simplify what is complex, and complicate what is mostly simple. Cheating is not always black and white. As with anything involving humanity, it is a individualistic thing that has to be examined on a case by case basis. People who haven’t been there tend to speak with an air of moral superiority that in my opinion is ridiculous. In the Bible, when the Pharisees had the audacity to try Jesus on the adultery issue, he punked them via the “Let those of you without sin, cast the first stone” quote…what most dont realize is that he used their false argument against them. Adultery then (as it still is now although not emphasized) is committed by both parties, and thus both are subject to punishment. The Pharisees in their ignorance and arrogance only brought the woman to be judged. We do the same today, we jump the gun and assume that men are the sole proprietors of the cheating business, and dont examine either women who cheat or the female parties to the crime BOTH parties have committed. I could go on but I will end by saying thanks SBM for expanding the conversation.

  • Jennifer

    Why do women want unavailable me is the question. Well I am not advocating cheating but maybe she wants the married man for the benefits and not the commitments, Some women don’t want a full blown relationship for whatever reason but still want a man. If she chooses one that seems to be a good man then she figures he is not planning to leave or destroy his marriage. He knows the deal, he treats her good, takes her places, buys her things, what have you. She doesn’t have to deal with his daily issues like the wife does, doesn’t have to wash his clothes, bare his kids, keep his house and whatever. She doesn’t have to deal with his friends, job and other things that goes on with him, for the most part, that is for his wife. She gets to enjoy her time with him and whatever else he provides. Maybe he is looking for someone he can do things with that the wife doesn’t do, maybe the sidepiece is also. She can step outside her box just like he can, because it’s not a relationship, she is not trying to become the wife. She knows her place and it might be where she wants to be. I am probably older than a lot of your readers and have seen how times have changed. Men have always cheated, always will and women do it also, but we are talking about men right now. Old school players men and women knew how the game was played. Men knew that he had to provide in certain ways other than the bedroom and women knew that he would and in return you didn’t cross the line of thinking you would be something more than his chick on the side. Most women had a man they were dating or were dating looking for the man that would become her husband. There was an understanding between the two of them and it was fine. Most men managed to stay married to their wife’s until death did them part. Men also didn’t just pick any woman especially not a rachet one, he had to know that she understand the ground rules and was able to abide by them, she had to knew he understood the ground rules and he kept to them. He knew he had to be able to afford to cheat and since she didn’t want him he didn’t have to worry about her stepping on his toes.

  • Rastaman

    Any man who has ever gone to a “pick-up” spot can tell you that one’s desirability amongst women grows when they observe another woman being interested. I was never sure what that was about but it was always good to leverage that fact to one’s benefit.

    As far as a choice between Amber Rose and Michelle Obama that would come down to what type of relationship said man is seeking. Women like Michelle Obama are life partners and Amber Rose is that “fun” chick. Don’t know how to make it any plainer but when I was looking for fun the Amber Rose’s of the world was what i wanted and when I settled down, it was “hey Michelle how you been?”

    If you want to wife Amber that’s your business, there are so many women out here trying to lock down the “playas” of their world when anyone with any sense would outline that its a fool’s errand. But they still do, they get burnt and all men then become dogs. When very likely you married a dog and he bit you.

    Contrary to popular belief, men have no more clarity on the relationship ish than women

    • OSHH

      I agree and I think this goes both ways in that nobody wants someone that no one else doesn’t.
      Depending on how “fly” the wife or woman of said taken man is, his stock rises even higher among certain women. That part is a bit curious, like the side piece women become more intrigued or challenged by how fly home is. SMH. Depravity is running wild and free these days

  • mac

    People don’t cheat because of looks. If that was the case, everyone would cheat because there’s always someone better looking than your partner.

    People cheat because they lack respect for their relationship, self control and consideration.

    The whole “how can he cheat on her when she looks like that!” argument is foolish and meritless.

    • L-Boogie

      True.

    • demecho

      Very well said…class is dismissed

  • York

    Every chick ain’t that stupid.

    But for the proud sidechicks who are, they’ll probably learn their lesson by time Feb 15 rolls around, after they done ran thru a bottle of moscato and a Keyshia Cole ghetto anthem marathon, ALONE….

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      LMAO! I’m weak

  • Meyaka

    A woman can desire a married man with all her miserable might but if he respect his home and his woman,he will do everything in his power to stay away from said woman. People cheat because they want to,then come up with arguments like this to redirect your anger elsewhere,I am not fooled.

    • chang

      Agreed, but you missed his point. It takes two to cheat. And even for the most loyal man it is much easier(more tempting) to cheat if he has women chasing him around. It’s like going on a diet and leaving doughnuts lying around the dining room table.

      • Kahekili

        “And even for the most loyal man it is much easier(more tempting) to cheat if he has women chasing him around.”

        Lol. Right, because men have no ability to control their lust.

        • chang

          Lol, because a man finding a naked woman on his bed is the same thing as a man flirting,pursuing, and seducing a prude. Not all people cheat because they want to cheat as Meyaka seems to thinl, A lot of people for all their intentions of staying faithful can’t control themselves. Now, I don’t mean this as an excuse for men because the more he loves and respects his woman the more temptation he can overcome. But if they weren’t skanky women their would be a hell of a lot less cheating both for the men who don’t want to control themselves and both for the men can’t.

          • Kahekili

            If you don’t mean to make excuses, then don’t. There would be less cheating if men stopped cheating, not because there are ‘skanky women’.

            • chang

              Jesus, you are literally two stubborn amongst other words to have a reasonable discussion with. Let me ask you if you are on a diet Kahekili do you leave donuts and other sweets lying around the house. If your a recovering alcoholic do you hang around bars ? I didn’t make an excuse I made a point, temptation is a dangerous thing no matter what your intentions are.

  • Shawnna

    You do have women who like men who are unavailable I wish somebody would educate me on the reason. That survey, whether men will choose for a wife, Michelle Obama or Amber Rose, for most men, they will pick Amber Rose because she is light skinned and she appears to be attractive to them. Amber Rose, has no talent. Does Amber sings, acts or dance? I still don’t know how she managed to get famous. You have the beautiful Michelle Obama who is smart and sadly most black men would not even select her. I am amazed how men particular black men will pick women who don’t look like nothing, have no talent, no education, can’t speak or carry on a conservation but……………………..she has that banging body and banging booty.

    • Kitty

      The reason men would chose Amber Rose over Michelle Obama has nothing to do with skin color. Some men rank sex appeal over brains.They prefer to have a woman that they perceive as a freak in the bedroom. Ecspecially a successful man because he figures I make the money and the decisions and all you have to do is take care of me.

      • Mary Ann

        I disagree with that.

    • intelligent chick

      amber does dance…on a pole

    • Say What?

      Amber Rose appears to the physical side of a man’s attraction, but she in most cases would be regulated as a “side chick”. Yeah many would still bang her, but would rather choose a Michelle to have the wife and kids experience with. Also take note that Michelle may seem like too much for some men because she’s educated. In my experience with people that are less educated when engaging someone who is the feel inadequate. While society may say it’s “okay” for a woman to be less intelligent than her male counterpart it’s the flip side for guys and they feel emasculated. Clearly you’re speaking about men you know so ask yourself this question, would any of the ones that would choose Amber be able to hold a conversation with Michelle?

    • Drew Smith

      Irony.

  • SheBe

    “To be clear, most men know the type of women that’ll disrespect his relationship given the chance, so ultimately, it’s up to him to cut ties with those women before it’s too late; however, for some women, desiring a committed man isn’t much more complicated than a kid who isn’t interested in a toy until someone else starts playing with it.” Basically that sums it all up. I actually like SBM. They have some interesting reads.

  • Monsta Don

    You might also not want to assume that women don;t cheat as much as men, and that when they do, they ‘upgrade’ or are any less selfish and disrespectful. There’s a lot of untrue ‘images’ that people keep perpetuating.

    100.

  • Say What?

    You might want to change the title to “Some Women” as not all women are attracted to a man based on his availability. Furthermore a lot of the reasons are the same for both men and women who chose to go after someone who’s already taken for some it fuels their ego, but at the end of h day it takes two (or more depending on your preference) to cheat and unless the attached man or woman is forced I lay most of the blame on them. Just cause someone offers you sex doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

    • http://shockya.com/ Monique Jones

      I agree. Some women are attracted to married men, but not all. Some of those that are attracted to married men have self-esteem issues.

      • Kareen Hall

        They get to know each other and end up dating whilst being aware of the man’s status.It’s not really about esteem issues. At the end of it you are both human and are attracted to each other.

No thanks