This Is Why The Grammy’s Had To Tell People To Cover Their A**es — Literally — This Year

February 8, 2013  |  
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Source: Shutterstock

You probably heard the news yesterday that the Grammy organization has handed down a dress code for it’s upcoming award show that’s more detailed than that of most catholic schools. And I’m sure you thought, “huh, aren’t we talking about grown people here?”

Oh, how soon we forget. T&A is about as visible during award season as it is inside of a Gentleman’s club, and after years of people (sometimes the same ones) pushing the envelope way, way, way too far, CBS and the powers that be said they’ve had enough and are banning all sorts of attire — or lack thereof — this year. Still confused why they’re being so strict? Check out some of the most risque fashions ever to grace the Grammy red carpet.

Source: AP

Toni Braxton may have broke the award show mold, when in 2001 she hit the stage to accept her Grammy in a v-neck curtain panel with straps around the hip-bone. Absolutely nothing was left to the imagination in this dress, except maybe the color of Toni’s areola. CBS wants no parts of that this year.

Source: AP

Looking at J Lo’s 2000 Grammy gown, I can only assume Toni was trying to outdo her when she showed up in that sheet a year later. But Jenny from the Block certainly ushered in a new level of risque in the new millenium when she showed up on Diddy’s arm with a v-neck slit all the way to her public bone that separated again right after her unmentionable region. Yeah she was doing the absolute most.

Source: AP

Nas and Kelis may have been fully covered, but it’s what they were covered with that was the problem. To promote his 2008 album, Ni**er, which ended up being labeled Untitled when all was said and done, Escobar and his then-wifey hit the red carpet with the n-word plastered on their fronts and backs. Both White and Black people were up in arms about that, as I’m sure a few cameramen who had to blur out their shirts and jackets were as well.

Source: AP

Pink’s outfit may not look so bad in this picture, but as she was flying through the air like a trapeze artist in 2010, there was a lot of visible breast flesh. I mean, this is essentially an outfit of tape and glitter, and as you can see from the strips along her hips, her entire backside was out in the open.

Source: AP

Rihanna may not have a whole lot up top but all that “undercurvature of the breast,” as CBS put it, is a problem. Even Ryan Seacrest couldn’t contain his thirst when he was interviewing, or more like examining, Rihanna last year, and you know what they say about him….

Source: Shutterstock

Rih Rih didn’t even try to pretend like she had on drawls here with this alternating white fluff, flesh tone, thingy she wore in 2011. Simply covering your nipples is not going to work in 2013.

Source: AP

What needs to be said here? All that labia, or as CBS refers to it “puffy bare skin exposure” is a lesson in female reproductive anatomy waiting to happen. Nobody is trying to see all of that during a performance. Nobody.

Source: AP

Remember that reference to repeat offenders? Yeah you can thank Lady Gaga for this dress code. After showing her entire bottom half –which by the way the back of that green number was completely open — Gaga decided we needed to see the top half under a silicone nun/nurse uniform as well. I think everyone would vote for another meat outfit over all this nekkidness again.

Now you know why this is the mandate from CBS Standards and Practices:

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered.

Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack.

Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could  possibly expose female breast nipples.

Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible ‘puffy’ bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts.

Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera.

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