Straight From His Mouth: Is The Strip Club Really A Big Deal?

48 comments
February 4, 2013 ‐ By Dr. J
Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

Some time ago I found myself in a conversation with a group of women about men and their obsession with strip clubs. Up until a few years ago, strip clubs were a dirty, stinky, and smoky place where men congregated to stare at women in the nude while tipping single dollar bills each song. Then something strange happened, it went from being about a secret hideaway for men to exercise their right to lurk, to being about “tip drilling” and “making it rain.” That’s right, the strip club became a place to not only have fun, but to have out in the open fun almost as if you were in a nightclub. It wasn’t short after this that women decided it was time for them to get involved in the fun too. If you go to any popular strip club in a major city these days, you’re likely to see not only men partaking but women too.

But what about the women who still aren’t comfortable going to the strip club, or aren’t warmed up to the idea of their boyfriend frequenting the place either? I’m not sure. I’m not sure if it’s a big deal or it’s a sign of a woman being a little overbearing. Inevitably it comes down to a few things: how much you trust your man and what lets you sleep at night.

In defense of women everywhere, let me start off by saying a few things to the guys. If you are the type of man who goes to the strip club to cop a feel and get your rocks off to the dancers, your girlfriend has every right to not want you to go. She may not exercise that right, but she has a right to. So here’s my thought for you ladies, you shouldn’t be dating a guy who tries to get his rocks off to someone other than you. That’s just nonsensical.

However, there are a bunch of men who go to the strip club just for the show. They don’t really take anything away from it, but just that — a show. They’re not gawking over the women, they’re not lusting after them like pieces of meat, and they aren’t spending any of the rent money on toe touching. Personally, I’m a bit of a strip club connoisseur – I tend to often go to strip clubs in my area. I have been in and out of relationships during my time at strip clubs, but I always make it clear to the women I’m dating what happens when I go to strip clubs. I don’t touch the women, I don’t do private dances, and if she ever wants to come along with me, I have no qualms or problems with that. This typically eases the worries that women have with me being in the strip club. But I won’t lie, sometimes it doesn’t.

For the women who have a problem with me frequenting strip clubs no matter how hard I try to explain my dealings there, I just have to accept it. I don’t think it’s a big deal for a man to go to a strip club, but as I said earlier, if she can’t sleep at night or get it out her mind, then it is a big deal for her. As a man, I have to make a decision whether my love for strip clubs is worth risking my relationship. On the flip side, if a woman already has trust issues with a guy and that’s the basis for why she doesn’t want him in the strip club, she should just break up with him.

Any woman worried that her man may do something inappropriate in a strip club is clearly in the wrong relationship. The most blunt answer that I can give to anyone who asks, “is the strip club that big of a deal,” is, if it is, there are bigger problems at hand. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion of strip clubs, but everyone is also entitled to free will. If you’re worried your significant other may cheat or lust after another in the strip club, then I don’t know why you’re not worried each and every moment that they are walking this earth. In my opinion, it’s a lot easier to cheat when you’re not in the strip club than when you are. That’s probably the most quintessential conundrum that every relationship must address — exactly why you’re worried about the strip club. If it’s a trust issue, then address that in your relationship. If it’s just not your cup of tea, then address that with your significant other and move on.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

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  • A for effort.

    You go for the show? Let me guess, you look at playboy for the articles. Let me explain something to you that most of the other peeps have already addressed. It’s a concept called justification. It’s when you attempt to make others believe that what you do is ok. You’re not the first to come up with this concept and carry it through, you’re just one of many these days. Problem is, just cause YOU believe it’s ok doesn’t make it so, and certainly by no means does it make a woman at fault for not buying your bs. Nice try there, buddy. The show, as you put it, is called getting off on watching a physical woman fondle her naked tits in front of you. Fine if you’re single, but if your gf isn’t ok with it, then don’t make her believe she’s the one being insecure. It simply means she has standards.

    Ps: If you’re not ok with your gf dancing naked at bar, then you have to ask yourself why and relate it back to yourself. Double standards aren’t attractive.

  • Cat

    Go see a cirque du soleil production if it’s just for the show. The performers are way more impressive, limber, etc. than a lot of strippers, the setting it classy, and your gf or wife won’t have a problem with it. Or go to a Broadway musical or a ballet (contemporary ballet is more entertaining in my opinion) for a show. But strip clubs aren’t just for “the show,” which I guess means the dance moves and tricks or something? If it’s just for the show, then why don’t straight guys go to male strip clubs to watch the show and appreciate the art that the men have to offer? Despite the denying that a lot of men have put forth, it is pretty obvious to me that there is sexual attraction that is drawing a man to strip clubs. Give him a choice between naked women dancing and just women dancing, and he will choose the naked women. A man who frequents strip clubs gives me the impression that he wants more sexual stimulation that what his girlfriend or wife offers, which is the same reason that people cheat. Even if watching a girl dance naked isn’t exactly cheating, the man does it for the same reason as cheating, which makes it wrong in my mind. And he’s spending money to do this wrong thing, which makes it even worse. I do not want to be with a guy whose sexual needs I can’t satisfy, a guy who is greedy to ogle other women and who supports this industry. I think any man who goes to a strip club should be okay with their wife or girlfriend or daughter or sister or mother, etc. becoming a stripper, because, in his paraphrased words, “Hey, it’s not a big deal. There’s nothing wrong with it because I’m not cheating. And if you don’t let me go to the club, I will cheat on you.” I want to be with a man who has more willpower than that. There are many things in this world that are wrong that a person can do in a relationship even if they’re not necessarily cheating on their significant other.

  • OSHH

    The author of this article is always writing some half baked bs, trying to justify disrepectful inappropriate behaviors and appetites. The last article was about lusting after other women and leaving comments on instagram, following them folks on twitter and such, under the guise of finding other people attractive.

  • Lolita

    I’m glad my man is white. Your mentality is low along with this “brother” up top. Too busy in the strip club wasting money and playing like a little boy. You come home and your woman is gone getting sexed up by a man who is not drunk, funky and sloppy from being in a strip club. Listen to me child.

  • Nicole Brooks

    So your justification is that men only want to see “the show”? The show is women gyrating and getting naked. Yes, we know that our men find other women attractive, just like we find other men attractive, but going to a strip club enough to be considering yourself a connoisseur is completely different. I don’t like the idea of my man purposely going to ogle women, b/c that was “enjoying the show” is, but if he goes everyone once in a while (like once every 5 years) for a friends b day or something, I’d have no issue. If my man has “a love for strip clubs” then yes: we have a problem. If you’re in a relationship and you have “a love” for seeing other women naked or half name quite often then no, that’s not ok. And women aren’t insecure for feel as such.

    • donalda

      How would he feel if you were going to see half naked men on a weekly basis?

  • RAVENS GANG!

    So, it isn’t morals and not wanting to hurt the woman who a man is with, but p*rn and strip clubs. Gotcha.

    • OSHH

      Right!!!!

  • Drew Smith

    Calm down, Mia. You put on a little too much extras with the threesome bit. Knock that off…

  • RAVENS GANG!

    I know what it means.

    • Drew Smith

      You’d understand why I have a problem believing that, correct?

      • RAVENS GANG!

        Quite frankly, what you have a problem with is of no importance to me.

        • Drew Smith

          And, apparently, neither is appropriate word usage. Good talk, though.

          • RAVENS GANG!

            Womp!

            • Drew Smith

              *dances a jig*

  • Lolita

    I told my boyfriend I was going to a male review with my gay friend he was very upset I was like whats wrong? He said I don’t want you getting turned on by some naked guy with his D!(k out. I was like ok I wont go then. He is not into strip clubs but if he was I’d be ok.

  • Toya Sharee

    Great article. My friends often look at me crazy when I say I don’t care if a man I’m dating wants to go to the strip club, as long as they aren’t exchanging bodily fluids and it’s not breaking him financially, I don’t care if he goes to stare at some T&A. At the end of the day, it’s just T&A. The man I am currently seeing doesn’t even like strip clubs, but boyfriends in the past have regularly gone to the Che’ Shaky Butts and it was never a big deal in our relationship because I trusted the man I was with and never made it one. My only rule is I don’t want to hear about it. Hearing about the girl who could swing on the pole by her ankles isn’t a convo that’s meant to be had between me and my dude. It’s all about trust and how secure you are in your relationship. I don’t care about the strip club because I know he’s not trying to wife anyone up in there.

  • 305MovesLikeDagger

    I am a man and I don’t find strip club appealing at all. My friends went up front after slapping a couple dollars on the strippers butt, I was ready to just leave. I don’t like paying for a women’s attention. As a matter fact, I am paying more attention to the clothed women in the strip club than the women dancing naked.

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    The author a strip club “connoisseur” is trying to sell us on the ideal of our man regularly going to strip club. Why go if you aren’t ogling the naked women? That just makes no sense. Once in a while cool, but if this is even a semi regular thing, pass!

    • RAVENS GANG!

      The men who write for SBM are the most contradicting, double standard writing hussies.

      • Babydoll 70

        LOL, hussies?! I haven’t heard that word in a while.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        LMAO! I mean, if given the platform why wouldn’t they advocate for women being cool with their man watching the pole workers.

        Still cracking up @ hussies

        • RAVENS GANG!

          @yourtango-7ef23fd1ad0dc25fcf0f9a0e0da93655:disqus @google-562258f8589b99825abb6c5d437f7a70:disqus

          I didn’t know what else to call them. All of the material that comes from that site is trash.

        • RAVENS GANG!

          @yourtango-7ef23fd1ad0dc25fcf0f9a0e0da93655:disqus @google-562258f8589b99825abb6c5d437f7a70:disqus

          I didn’t know what else to call them. All of the material that comes from that site is trash.

      • Drew Smith

        Not called a man a hussy, though? SMH

        • RAVENS GANG!

          Yes. What is the problem?

      • donalda

        That describes just about every man I know, including my dh.

    • Cat88L3

      I was thinking the same thing! I have no problem with my dude going to a strip club as long as he’s being respectful to our relationship. I’m with Toya on that one. But the writer was making it seem like guys aren’t gawking and lusting, they are just going for the show. Isn’t that the point of men going to the strip club, so they can gawk and ogle the naked women? Yeah, exactly. It’s funny that the writer is trying to sell some other purpose of the strip club, lol.

      Man, women know that guys don’t go to strip clubs for Masterpiece Theater

  • RAVENS GANG!

    As soon as I read the title I knew who the author would be. SMH.

    • Stanley 001

      You! I mean you Ms.
      @Ravens gang!
      @ EST. 1986 (GO RAVENS)
      @The RAVENS ARE Super Bowl Champs
      @The Ravens Will Be The Super Bowl Champions

      You really like the Ravens. You also really like to give it to the black men. Anywhere. Anyway. I’m just amazed at your appetite at finding the problem, all of our community’s problem,in black men. If you’re not the same person, don’t you think you share something in common?

  • mac

    As easily excitable as men are, what heterosexual man, in a room of naked women won’t get turned on. Please. You need more people.

    Men love to try to create a justification for why they go, so they don’t feel as perverted or thirsty. Talkin bout “I go for the show”, or the one I most recently heard, “I go for their hot wings”.

    You go to see naked women. And ain’t nobody mad atcha. Just own up to it.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      really though. He’s confused why his girl would have a problem with him regularly going to eye up naked/half naked broads? That really needs an explanation?

      • mac

        Lol exactly, when you put it that simply, it shows just how ridiculous their reasoning is.

        Men can barely stand other men looking at their girl, but if a woman has a problem with her man going to see naked women, she’s insecure.

        I’ll pass on those kind of relationships. Give me a man who’ll take us to a Broadway show, not a stripper show.

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          Yes thee old “you’re insecure” if you don’t let me; come home whenever I
          want, regularly make it rain on strippers, be cool with me having a
          bunch of female “friends”, require a commitment and fidelity.

          They’ve been getting suckers to fall for the okie doke for years with that one.

  • mac

    To be honest, I look at women who hit up strip clubs as huge try-hards. Trying to look “down” and “open minded”, or “the cool girlfriend” if they’re in a relationship.

    Trust me, probably no hetero female appreciates the female form as much as I do, and I’m far from a prude, but I have no interest in that kind of environment, nor do I want to date a man who does.

    • Toya Sharee

      I can respect that but I guess it depends on the type of club. In “classier” clubs you don’t have random women sitting on your lap begging for a dance. Sometimes it can be just like a regular club just with naked women dancing. So females don’t need to necessarily feel offended or uncomfortable in that kind of environment because some of them are just like the regular club minus some more fabric. I wouldn’t mind going simply to watch my man have a good time (and me as well, strippers do some pretty amazing tricks. It’s like a magic show LOL)

      • mac

        Meh…trust me people have tried to sell me on strip clubs, and I’m good on it lol.
        Just like you are the company you keep, I believe you are also the environment you frequent, and I just don’t feel I have business in such a place.

        Everything ain’t for anybody and to each their own.

        • mac

          *everybody

      • RAVENS GANG!

        You can’t decide how someone else should feel about something. I do think you are okay with your husband/boyfriend visiting a strip club because you don’t view women as people, but as ‘females’ and ‘just T&A’.

      • RAVENS GANG!

        You can’t decide how someone else should feel about something. I do think you are okay with your husband/boyfriend visiting a strip club because you don’t view women as people, but as ‘females’ and ‘just T&A’.

      • JaneJane

        I’m with you, they do have skillz!

  • Stanley Dada

    My fantasies are here to stay. Having a woman in my life doesn’t mean that I have to stop enjoying looking at beautiful women. Having a woman in my life only means that I’m not going to have sex with anyone else.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      That’s cool and all but if this something you HAVE to do then its a problem. F*cking some woman with your eyes on a regular basis is a cause for concern with many women.

      • Stanley Dada

        You said, *f..cking some women with your eyes on a regular basis is a cause of concern with many women.* Have you realized that I’m not for MANY WOMEN, and MANY WOMEN are not for me? I just want on who can take me as I am and one that I can take as she is. That’s all.

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          Do what works for you. If you find a woman who’s cool with that more power to you. You certainly shouldn’t quit going to strip clubs just because the woman you love might have a problem with it. Its your world Stanley don’t compromise your RIGHT to spend your dollar bills however you see fit.

  • Nope

    Women have their mental and emotional fantasies, men have our physical fantasies.

  • TRUTH IS

    Am too old to be with men who’s caught up going to the strip club.

  • Kenedy

    Personally, if my man goes to the strip club once in a while like when his boys are getting married or whatever, thats cool…..but if you STAY at the strip club…then there’s a problem…its like your woman isn’t satisfying you sexually or you don’t find her physically appealing…i mean why pay to see tit*ies & a$$, when you can do that for free at home? Get your priorities straight or don’t be in a relationship or…get into a relationship with a stripper, then you can have the best of both worlds

No thanks