This Ain’t The Movies! Places You Probably Shouldn’t Have Sex In Real Life

February 8, 2013  |  
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Some couples, to spice things up in a waning sex life, seek out novel places to have sex. Others just happen to find themselves turned on, by chance, at inconvenient times. But these places just end up leaving you uncomfortable, nauseated, a little bruised and/or in trouble!

The beach

Intensive examination of samples of sand from popular beaches found remnants of unspeakable things in those pretty little grains. If you thought the cigarette butts and dog excrement were the worst, think again.


There is just no room for two people to comfortably make love in a bathtub. Someone has to have his/her knees on the hard, porcelain bottom, someone else is pinned to the bottom of the tub, and there’s usually a giant puddle to clean up off the bathroom floor after from all the splashing.


The danger of any position actually enjoyable for a woman is not worth it. Being lifted up by the guy, for example, puts you both at risk for falling. The only safe position—the woman turned around and bent over—is just not enjoyable for women. We have water pouring down our faces and can hardly breathe.

Hot tubs

Besides the fact that getting chlorine up the vaginal canal is highly unsanitary for woman — often leading to infection — you and your partner are probably not the first to blaze that trail. There’s likely more than chlorine floating around in that hot tub. Remember what Phaedra’s doctor told her about keeping her honeypot fresh and clean?


If you let the elevator run, you risk it stopping on the floor for some poor, innocent (and scarred) onlooker. If you hit the halt button, security will probably force their way in, thinking you’re trapped, before you can finish.


Airplane bathrooms are essentially little boxes loaded with germs. Rarely do airlines have time to thoroughly clean restrooms between flights, meaning you have germs from all over the country or world dragged onto those surfaces you’re (probably) putting your bare butt on. Plus, it’s almost impossible to sneak two people both in and out of the bathroom without a stewardess flagging down an air marshal.



Late at night, when the subway is empty, it can seem exciting to have a car all to yourselves. But subways are one of the most germ-infected places. Close examination has actually found fecal matter and semen on the surfaces of subway cars.


The isolation of the woods, the starry sky, and the potential danger of roaming wild animals can be an aphrodisiac. But tents can’t handle too much shuffling around—they easily collapse! Plus, a curious flashlight in your direction will reveal everything going on.

A boat

You pack a romantic picnic, rent a cute boat and row out onto a picturesque lake, behind some water trees. But do you have any idea, should you tip, how hard it is to flip back over a capsized boat? Not to mention all the dirty things people toss into public lakes?

A Gondola

Your adrenaline is rushing from skiing all day, the view of the slopes is breathtaking and by chance, nobody else hopped on your gondola going down the mountain. But typically the benches and floors of gondolas are made of a piercingly cold steel, and covered in tiny ice particles that can give you frostbite.


A couch

So you and your guy are crashing on someone’s couch. Barring the risk someone walks into the living room and finds you, you’d be surprised how little mobility you have on a couch. Couch cushions don’t quite spring the way a mattress does, and since someone is inevitably on their knees, that makes friction almost impossible. Plus, it’s not nice of you to leave those fluids on a couch many people will sit on after you.


The front seat of a car

It’s great if your partner and you are so attracted to each other, you can’t even drive from point A to point B without wanting to pull over and rip each other’s clothes off. But unless you have tinted windows all the way around, you could be arrested for indecent exposure. And if not, you’ll at least accidentally slam the horn with some body part, and bruise another on the gearshift.

A tree house

It’s sort of romantic: up in the trees, in a thing you used to play in as a child. It has a Peter Pan vibe. But tree houses are not meant to sustain the weight of fully-grown adults, let alone adults thrusting and rolling around. Add to that all the splinters you’ll get in awful places and it’s just not a good idea.


Your childhood room

Your childhood room should be a sacred place, and remain that way. You’ll feel a little guilty and a little dirty after, um, christening it. And, should you break up with that person, that room is no longer the pure, comforting place it once was.

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