Ask A Very Smart Brotha: We Just Found Out He Has Newborn Twins, Should I Try To Work It Out?

January 30, 2013  |  

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Erica: I just got into a discussion about what marriage is suppose to mean and I want a guy’s take on it. I say: Love is not unconditional and that everyone has dealbreakers in which they will leave a relationship or marriage. Including weight gain. Others say: If you’re married, then the only dealbreaker should be don’t cheat and don’t abuse me.

What say you?

DY: I say the best relationships/marriages are when you find someone whose dealbreakers match yours.

Denise:  At what age do men grow up ?

DY: The age we realize “continuing not to grow up” means “dammit, the pool of women available to me will continue to shrink until I grow up.” Some of us make that transition, and some don’t because their pool never shrinks. There’s no incentive to make the change.

Source: iStock.com

Source: iStock.com

Jazmine: I just found out that the person that I’ve been wanting to start a relationship with has NEWBORN TWINS! He claims that he didn’t even know and that the female lied and said she was pregnant by someone else. He wants to have a sit down and air it all out but my past relationships leave me hard to trust/believe him. Should I give him the opportunity to plead his case? He claims he loves me just as much as I love him but I’m guarding my heart with an iron fist. Suggestions???

DY: Your man’s name isn’t Tom Brady, is it? Anyway, it is possible that he was unaware of this situation until recently. In fact, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Still, you both need to take a big step back from this relationship—him because he needs to figure out how to feed two mouths, and you because nothing about “my new man has twin newborns by a different woman” is hot in the streets.

I mean, if the roles were reversed and you were knocked up with twins and didn’t know who the dad was, do you think he would stay?

black man and woman just friends

Source: Thinkstock.com

Dee: Can good friends become lovers and begin a relationship. ? And if so what’s the transition? If there is any

DY: I think it’s possible. (In fact, I know it’s possible). And, as long as both parties are on the same page with everything, I don’t see a problem with pursuing that

Anastasia: I just broke up with my boyfriend like last week. N he still has our profile pic up and still has us in a relationship on his FB page. I’m almost wanting to go back to him because I miss him a lot now but at some time I want him to earn me back? So what do I do?

DY: Give the break up some time. I mean, regardless of how much you might miss him, there’s a reason you broke up, right? You shouldn’t be thinking about reconciliation until enough time has passed for him to be able to reasonably fix whatever issue you had between you two.

Source: Thinkstock.com

Source: Thinkstock.com

Claudian: What is the difference between compromising and settling in a relationship?

DY: Compromising is working together to come to a mutually beneficial solution. Settling is realizing that what you really want isn’t available, and convincing yourself that an alternative choice will do.

Chinesha: When you are asked your relationship status and the reply is..It’s Complicated, What does that really mean?

DY: Stay away from me

 

"Black woman thinking PF"

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Kaija: When is the right time to let your guard down and is there a way to let it down but still be very cautious at the same time? Is there away to fall for someone but not so hard that you end up hurting in the end?

DY: No. Your question is basically the equivalent of asking if it’s possible to be inside and outside at the same time. If you fall for someone, there’s always going to be a chance that you’re going to get hurt. That’s just something you’ll have to get over if you choose to make that decision. There’s no sense in falling half-assed.

 

Jamilah : When a man asks a woman out on a date? Is it fair to assume that I should pay half of the date? Would you think a man might get offended if I suggested to pay half? Just wanted your take on this. Thanks.

DY: My advice for women asked out on dates is to go on the date with the expectation that the man will pay. But, also be prepared to pay if he decides to drop the dutch bomb on you. And, if I were you, I wouldn’t even bring up paying. Why ask to split the bill? He asked you out, and that’s part of the expectation of asking a woman out.

sad black woman

Toya: Damon, I messed up my relationship and am now trying to work on it. I betrayed his trust (I didn’t cheat, but I did something that really hurt him) and we are now “starting over” (his words, not mine). How do I show him that I am really sorry about what I did and want things to work out?

DY: Give it time. And, in that time, show a sincere commitment to righting whatever wrong you committed. It won’t happen overnight, though. And, just because you make the effort doesn’t mean that it’s going to fix things. But, giving an honest effort is all you can do

Rachael: I feel like my husband has fallen out of love . I’m still showering him with attention love sex and spontaneous gestures to show I care but he seems complacent and disinterested and now tries to make me go out when I just wanna be home with him. What should I do to get his attention back?

DY: Well, before you do anything, you need to ask him why his behavior has changed. Maybe it’s something simple that can be fixed with a conversation, or maybe it’s something more serious where you may need a third party to address. Either way, you need to find out what’s troubling him first.

"Black woman thinking pf"

iStock

Gi Gi: What are some first steps you recommend for a woman who hasn’t dated in years and is an introvert?

DY: First, remember that you’re not the only introvert on the planet. In fact, you’re talking to one right now. Once you get past that, my best advice for you to be to just get out the house and start meeting people. Join a couple professional organizations or a church. Start going to the gym. Basically, forget about meeting and dating men right now and instead focus on just meeting more people. When that happens, you increase your chances of coming across men who might be interested in you (and vice versa), and just take it from there.

Source: Thinkstock.com

Source: Thinkstock.com

Toy: My BF and I have really been having a hard time. He ended up in the hospital last month almost dead from a rare blood disorder and was unconscious for 2&1/2 wks. We have been with each other almost 2yrs and known each other for 18yrs. Since he woke I have been feeling like I do not belong or he is angry with me. He says he is not and he is just upset at the other complications that have arisen. We do not live together and talking is not too often like it was. Every now and then I see him for who I fell in love with but most times I feel like I should stay out of the way. I don’t want to lose what I believe I have waited so long for and at the same time I do not want to waste time. I have been so lost. I am trying to be understanding and patient but he seems so angry. I do not know what to do.

DY: That’s a really tough situation. I hope he recovers. As far as your relationship goes, I think you need to give him some time. That sounds like a very serious illness, and perhaps it’s going to take him as long to recover mentally as physically. I’d continue to be a friend to him, and I’d continue to be patient

Shutterstock

Shutterstock

Nicole: I am in school for my PhD., should settle for someone that does have the same education level that I have or do you think I should keep my options open. Last guy I was with worked in a grocery store and that didn’t work.

DY: Keep your options open, and date whoever makes you happy. Just because someone might not have been the ideal your have in your head doesn’t mean that you’re “settling.” The only way you can settle is if you choose someone who doesn’t make you happy. Also, just because you don’t find someone else with a Ph.D doesn’t mean you have to date supermarket stockboys. There are in betweens, you know?

 

Nadia: Where are the best places to meet males ready for a partnership?

DY: There’s really no place that would be a failsafe answer to that question. Regardless of where men congregate, you’re always going to have some men who want to commit, some who don’t, and some who want to commit, but just don’t want to commit to you. That’s just the way the dating game works. The only thing I’d advise if that you don’t get dissuaded from continuing to meet and date people.

Shutterstock

Shutterstock

Roseanna: Do long distance relationships really work and can trust be really used in the relationship no matter the distance?? How can u tell if the other person is just going thru the motions tagging you alone but not really serious with you??

DY: While I’m not a huge fan of long-distance relationships, they can work if both parties make sure to see each other on a regular basis (maybe one and two weekends a month) and have an established and tangible goal of both being in the city eventually. Without both of those things in place, I’d think you’re wasting your time.

Nicole: I am in school for my PhD., should settle for someone that does have the same education level that I have or do you think I should keep my options open. Last guy I was with worked in a grocery store and that didn’t work.

DY: Keep your options open, and date whoever makes you happy. Just because someone might not have been the ideal you have in your head doesn’t mean that you’re “settling.” The only way you can settle is if you choose someone who doesn’t make you happy. Also, just because you don’t find someone else with a Ph.D doesn’t mean you have to date supermarket stockboys. There are in betweens, you know?

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  • kierah

    To Rachael – ask your husband what you can do to make things better. Read The 5 Love Languages. You may be doing everything you can think of, but that doesn’t mean he’s programmed to respond to it. Find out what his love language is and speak it daily until you become fluent.

  • kierah

    “Still, you both need to take a big step back from this relationship—him because he needs to figure out how to feed two mouths, and you because nothing about “my new man has twin newborns by a different woman” is hot in the streets.

    I mean, if the roles were reversed and you were knocked up with twins
    and didn’t know who the dad was, do you think he would stay?”
    **************************************************************************************************************
    ALL OF THE ABOVE!!

  • anonymouse

    If you have to ask should you work it out with a man who claims that he just found out that he has newborn twins, then you are a damn fool. That’s all

    • wizdom

      Lmao. EXACTLY.