Exactly Where Is The END Of The Road? The Issue With Tahiry, Joe Budden And Those Ex-Boyfriends Who Never Go Away

February 1, 2013  |  

“You’re still the best girlfriend I’ve ever had. My life would’ve turned out so differently if you never left,” my ex said hopelessly in a voice just above a whisper. We were having our monthly debate about why we can’t and shouldn’t get back together. Judging by the seriousness in his voice, one would think that we had just broken up a few months ago, possibly even a year ago. One would think he hasn’t had anyone special in his life since we parted ways. That isn’t the case though. The truth of the matter is that we’ve been apart for nearly six years. In those six years, a slew of women have entered his life. One of which he had a child with, and another is actually his current girlfriend who he’s contemplating proposing to.

He was the first man I loved romantically, my high school sweetheart. He was also the first to break my heart. I met him during my freshman year and we were inseparable all the way up until senior year. One October afternoon, out of the blue, he called me up at work to tell me that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship. I was floored. He had to be joking. I gave him some time to call me back and apologize saying, “I don’t know what I was thinking.” We had broken up only to get back together a few times before, so I expected that would happen again. That phone call never came. I called him for a few days in a row, crying and making a fool of myself. But after awhile, I gave up. I told myself it was over, gave up any hope of us getting back together, had my grieving period, and got over it.

About four months after receiving that dreaded phone call, I received another one. This time, he was telling me how he was ready to get back together. I took him back, but I instantly realized that things weren’t the same and they’d probably never be. Emotionally, I was finished, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t revive those old feelings. Sure I loved him, but being in love with him was a different story. I stuck around for a while and tried to work it out. More than anything, I didn’t want to hurt him in the same way that he hurt me. But, what could I do? It was done and so I eventually ended it. In time he got over it and we remained friends, but not without him initiating his bi-monthly “I think we can work it out” conversations.

Six years later, a couple of boyfriends on my part and several girlfriends on his, we’ve still managed to maintain quite a strong friendship. I can’t really imagine him not being in my life, but at the same time, I will never deny that our friendship is abnormal. He still appears to be very much in love and hopelessly believing that there’s a possibility of a reunion between us, no matter how many times or how many ways I tell him it isn’t going to happen. I feel the guilt that I could possibly be sabotaging his current relationship by knowing how he feels and continuing to maintain communication with him. I know that I would never want to seriously date a guy who was still carrying on this kind of friendship with his ex. “I think I may propose to her,” he told me one afternoon on the phone. “That’s great, have you started looking at rings?” I asked him. “Are you sure you’re not still in love with me?” he responded. “I can’t imagine that I still love you this much for no reason,” he continued.

It’s conversations like that one that make me feel like I should cut off communication. But, no matter how many times I’ve tried, it never seems to work. Somehow, someway, we wind up speaking again. Sometimes it’s a death in his family. Sometimes it’s his daughter’s mother giving him grief. Sometimes he just needs an ear. And somehow, I always wind up being that ear.

Watching Joe Budden and Tahiry week after week on “Love & Hip Hop” with their constant back and forth is like looking in a mirror (minus the drink throwing and substance abuse, of course). It makes me come to grips with the fact that these dysfunctional and emotional relationships are unhealthy. It’s like they hinder growth and progress in a sense. One week they’re fighting about old stuff that happened during their relationship, the next week they’re friends again and the following week she’s his counselor and confidant. It’s all emotionally draining and you eventually have to ask yourself, where does this road end?

Follow Jazmine Denise on Twitter @jazminedenise


Photos courtesy of Hip Hop Gossip Site + Shutterstock

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  • stevievi

    I co-sign twice. This is the problem with people, he’s out there dating other woman and an it doesn’t appear that in the six years of dragging other people into this toxic votex, did he really commit to any of them. Get your Sh** together and either be with him or show him the road. Friends don’t do this to friends.

  • Nikki

    It ends when you end it. That is the main reason that my exes do not have my number. I don’t want to encourage them by maintaining a friendship when I know they view me as more than a friend. It’s unfair. My ex has been with his girl for around 4 years now. I will admit that I messed up and we kissed the first few months they were together, but she forgave him for that and we haven’t spoken since. To this day, he still talks to his sister about how different things would be if we were together and it hurts my heart. This woman loves him to pieces and he’s still thinking about me. It’s just not fair to her. I can’t be friends with a guy that is doing that to a woman, especially if it is because of me. You need to stop talking to him so that he can try to get over you and give himself fully to this woman he is thinking of proposing to.

    • anne

      @Nikki as a woman I want to commend YOU and Jessica above. You ladies are REAL woman and it makes me happy that at least you consider how it effects the current gf or relationship not many women would do or even think to say what you said (“This woman loves him to pieces and he’s still thinking about me. It’s
      just not fair to her. I can’t be friends with a guy that is doing that
      to a woman”)…I want to thank you so much for not being one of those women who have the attitude or get pleasure out of hurting another woman and see the man for what he is doing (manipulating, game playing each woman)…Thank you, I only wish there were more women out here like the both of you! U speak w/ intelligence and have morals…no many women have them..Thanks!

  • I cant speak for anyone else, nor am I qualified to say what is right and wrong in matters of the heart, BUT I can say that any EX of mine sho nuf stayed that way! We broke up for a reason, and we couldn’t work as a couple, ( weren’t we supposed to be “FRIENDS” then too?!) Why would a “friendship” work now? Any ex bf of mine and I are what you’d call,”still cool”, no more, no less…

  • He isn’t your friend. He’s an ex that stays in contact with you hoping you will resume a sexual relationship again. Stating “I think I will propose” to another woman and in the same breath asserting that he “loves you still” aren’t congruent statements. At worst that sounds like horrible game and at best is coming from a confused, emotionally stunted dude who is afraid of not having the constant reassurance that more than one woman finds him worthy enough to love.

    Of course you have history and it feels good knowing someone who knows you so well is in your life. On some level its flattering to have someone constantly say they want you back but its also unhealthy. Its all BS to delude yourself that he’s you friend. a friend would respect that you aren’t interested in a romantic relationship with him and if that meant he had to leave you alone he would do that. Engaging with him on a emotional level will lead eventually to you giving in and going there again and when it fails again you will back to square one. Besides the fact that no man truly has a shot with him hanging in the wings and you staying emotionally entangled with him.

    Wish him much luck with his “fiancee” and keep it pushing.

  • C’mon son

    He’s a mess but this sounds like an ego boost for you. You entertain and engage in conversations about his verbal affection for you bi-monthly. You know he’s in love with you and you keep communication though you tell him you two will never be romantically involved again. You acknowledge that you’d never want a man doing this to you with an ex, but you can’t empathize with his current girlfriend enough to actually cut off communication when he tells you/implies he still loves you. I’m sure he threw out that proposal idea to see what you’d say. Move on.

  • Smh, This is why I don’t remain friends with an ex.

  • thegoodluckpig

    Ugh this happened to me and I’m sad to say it still happening. I was with my ex on and off for six years, he’s since gotten engaged and moved in with his fiancee and her son. However, if he’s having a problem he’ll call because “[I’m] the person who knows him best and [we’re] in the same situation with school and everything.” Clean breaks are far easier but also substantially more difficult. While I imagined the road would end with his engagement, he thinks we’ll always be in each other’s lives and I’m inclined to say I don’t think so.

    • So stop him now. He’s using you as an emotional soft place to fall. Do you want to be his fallback girl?

  • Plumbline

    Don’t go back to something that didn’t work to begin with, or was not a peaceful fit. It won’t be any better in the long run……..It is better to stay single until you find the right person for you…

    If they say they love you, judge them by this measure. God has called us to freedom, not to be selfish, but free to love……..Get out of an abusive relationship especially if your not married yet……and be strong enough not to go back. Ask Jesus for protection, strength, and wisdom…..

    ……..1 Corinthians 13:4-7………..

    4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things………..

    ……Romans 13:10……..Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

  • Titi

    Because he is still trying to keep her in loop “just in case”. Time to move on. This happened to me and I had to cut off. We speak and he is on my Facebook, but he knows I am done. This is the same for toxic friendships too. Cut them off.

  • You should have cut off communication 6 years ago. You’re a safe option to turn to when his current relationship is not going so well. Why would someone say they want to propose marriage to another woman, and still be hanging onto you, and you never say no? That other woman needs to know what a POS she is dealing with. It’s not fair to her. You guys need to quit with the games. Either walk, or stay together and stop inflicting yourselves on innocent people.

    • Plumbline

      Well said Jessica……..

    • Dang, you said it all I just should have read what you wrote and co-signed that.

  • OSHH

    A clean break is the order of the day. Let it go once and for all, leaving the past in the past and moving forward with your life without them folks in it.