A few weeks ago I was riding the train on my way to work, and I overheard a conversation between two young ladies that was interesting, but slightly disturbing. The two teenagers were discussing their relationships and one of them was saying how many ex-boyfriends she had, and that she didn’t want another relationship at this time in her life because she didn’t want to have sex with anyone else at this point in her life because she felt that she had been with too many people already. As their conversation continued, I tuned them out and started thinking how sad it was for this young lady to believe that she could not be involved in a relationship without having sex. I also started thinking about how many adult women and men feel the same way, which led me to ask, is sex a requirement in relationships? And is it a necessity to have sex in order for a relationship to be productive?
I ask these questions because I know a number of men and women who believe that a relationship can work without having sex, but it won’t reach its full potential. I also know that many women in some relationships feel pressured to have sex while in a relationship because they feel if they don’t have sex with their mate, then he will have sex with someone else. And some men believe that a relationship can’t be good without having sex. Many people would say, yes, it is necessary to have sex in a relationship, and many would say that it isn’t. Some people believe that having sex in a relationship allows them to express themselves. They see sex as a form of giving themselves totally to their mate through love making. Many people also view sex as a relationship deal ‘maker’ or ‘breaker.’ Sex can often be viewed as a relationship deal maker or breaker because if the sexual experience is good, that can often seal the deal for being in a relationship and being happy; but if the sexual experience is not what was expected, then that can kill the possibility of a relationship because many people do not want to be in or remain in a relationship where they aren’t sexually satisfied or sexually compatible with someone.
On the other hand, many people would say that sex is not a requirement for a prosperous relationship. Why? Because they may feel as though sex is a distraction from getting to know someone on a deeper level outside of being physical, or they want to focus on building the relationship on a more profound level and they believe that you cannot build a relationship based on sexual gratification. But what is sex really? What is the purpose for engaging in intercourse? Most people believe that sex is a physical experience that focuses on gratifying the physical nature of our being that should be acted upon whenever an urge arises. However, sex is a selfless act designed to begin and create a new bond/covenant between two people. It is a selfless act with the purpose of pleasing one’s husband or wife, and to give yourself totally to them in mind, body and spirit. Many people view sex simply as a physical act of gratification to satisfy their physical needs for whatever reason, and that is why it seems as though sex is a requirement in most relationships when it should not be.
Sex is a sacred act that should be shared and honored between husband and wife and should not be a requirement in a relationship that may or may not lead to marriage. I know many of you may be thinking that there are benefits to having sex before marriage or engaging in sex with someone you’re involved with, but have you ever thought about the benefits of waiting, or even thought about the true purpose of sex? Everyone has their individual expectations for relationships and expect for those expectations to be met, but I believe that the “sexpectation” should be an expectation that should be left behind. You can miss out on a great relationship and a great person because your judgment is clouded with your expectations of good sex being met or not being met, and the purpose of a relationship is to get to know someone for who they are face to face, soul to soul, and not on one’s back. What are your “sexpectations” in relationships? Does physical gratification lead your relationships? Who expects sex in a relationship more, men or women?
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin