A woman recently asked me, “Why does it seem like men always choose the next woman to be serious with, usually after he says he doesn’t want to commit to the girl he’s dating, but then ends up being in a committed relationship/marrying the next woman he dates?”
Even though I believe men are fairly simple, every man’s specific reasons for leaving a woman varies. For the record, regardless of what they say, I think men are always casually looking for a serious commitment. Maybe he’s just not that into you; maybe he was too into you; maybe he was once into you, but then he stopped being into you. I can’t speak on the exact reason a man leaves a woman, but I can speak on why it seems like men habitually settle down with the next woman they date after claiming they didn’t want a commitment. There are usually two primary reasons…
#1 – She wasn’t really the “next woman”
In this instance, perception is not reality. Unless you know the details of your ex’s dating history after your relationship – and given the dominance of social media coupled with your willingness to stalk your ex, this is very possible – you can’t say without a doubt that your ex got with the “next woman” he dated. Maybe he dated several women before meeting the “next woman.” However, I guess that’s not very comforting to hear. For the sake of this post, let’s assume your ex made a seemingly random, serious commitment to the next woman he dated after you. How could this happen, after he told you several times, in so many words and actions, that a serious commitment wasn’t what he was looking for?
Reason #2 – You helped him become a better man…for another woman
In my opinion, males are born, but men are made. Every relationship, good or bad, is a learning experience for men. I’m sure this applies to women, too. However, when it comes to relationships, most males (or boys) learn how to become men through trial and error. As a man, it’s easy to learn how to operate independently, but a man has to be in a relationship (or several) to learn what’s expected of him as a man in a relationship. Stated differently, being a good man on paper doesn’t automatically make a man a good partner in a relationship. Even if related, good men still need to learn how to be good partners since a successful relationship extends beyond the satisfaction of one person.
Until your last relationship, every failed relationship is a learning opportunity. Whether we like it or not, many of us have helped or been a part of someone’s life as they improved as a person. In some instances, these people left our lives and used all of those new skills to benefit their next partner. It’s sort of like they used you to develop all the well-rounded qualities needed to succeed in a relationship, but despite your years of loyalty and sacrifice, when the time came to commit to you; they chose to take their talents down to South Beach.
Admittedly, some men consciously or subconsciously choose to have “starter relationships.” These are relationships where they test out being a committed man without the burdens of actually being a committed man. Afterwards, they apply what they learned from the starter relationship in their next relationship, and they don’t have to go through all the same mistakes with the new woman. After all, you only have to learn how to ride a bike once. The same can be said for a relationship. The trials and tribulations of the starter relationship teach men how to be better partners. Ideally, the woman’s sacrifice of time and effort are rewarded with a commitment, but there is no guarantee, especially if there was never a commitment in place to begin with.
Honestly, most men know when they want to be with a woman and when they don’t. It might seem like he randomly settled down with the “next woman,” but in actuality he was likely better prepared, older, and more mature when the opportunity for a committed relationship presented itself. This might be because of you or in spite of you. However, you can avoid being the practice/starter wife by exiting a relationship whenever you feel like a man is stringing you along, because chances are he is stringing you along. You want to be his final destination, not just another woman along his journey of self-discovery. If you’re unsure where you fall, then you should have a serious conversation that confirms you both have the same view of the future; otherwise, when the commitments are doled out, you might find yourself on the outside looking in.
Why does it seem like men always choose the next woman? Why do men say they’re not looking for anything serious, then randomly commit?
WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his background as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM, on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery, and Instagram: WisdomIsMisery.