Straight From His Mouth: Why Did He Marry The Next Woman?

January 21, 2013 ‐ By WisdomIsMisery
Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

A woman recently asked me, “Why does it seem like men always choose the next woman to be serious with, usually after he says he doesn’t want to commit to the girl he’s dating, but then ends up being in a committed relationship/marrying the next woman he dates?”

Even though I believe men are fairly simple, every man’s specific reasons for leaving a woman varies. For the record, regardless of what they say, I think men are always casually looking for a serious commitment. Maybe he’s just not that into you; maybe he was too into you; maybe he was once into you, but then he stopped being into you. I can’t speak on the exact reason a man leaves a woman, but I can speak on why it seems like men habitually settle down with the next woman they date after claiming they didn’t want a commitment. There are usually two primary reasons…

Reason #1 – She wasn’t really the “next woman”

In this instance, perception is not reality. Unless you know the details of your ex’s dating history after your relationship – and given the dominance of social media coupled with your willingness to stalk your ex, this is very possible – you can’t say without a doubt that your ex got with the “next woman” he dated. Maybe he dated several women before meeting the “next woman.” However, I guess that’s not very comforting to hear. For the sake of this post, let’s assume your ex made a seemingly random, serious commitment to the next woman he dated after you. How could this happen, after he told you several times, in so many words and actions, that a serious commitment wasn’t what he was looking for?


Reason #2 – You helped him become a better man…for another woman

In my opinion, males are born, but men are made. Every relationship, good or bad, is a learning experience for men. I’m sure this applies to women, too. However, when it comes to relationships, most males (or boys) learn how to become men through trial and error. As a man, it’s easy to learn how to operate independently, but a man has to be in a relationship (or several) to learn what’s expected of him as a man in a relationship. Stated differently, being a good man on paper doesn’t automatically make a man a good partner in a relationship. Even if related, good men still need to learn how to be good partners since a successful relationship extends beyond the satisfaction of one person.

Until your last relationship, every failed relationship is a learning opportunity. Whether we like it or not, many of us have helped or been a part of someone’s life as they improved as a person. In some instances, these people left our lives and used all of those new skills to benefit their next partner. It’s sort of like they used you to develop all the well-rounded qualities needed to succeed in a relationship, but despite your years of loyalty and sacrifice, when the time came to commit to you; they chose to take their talents down to South Beach.

Admittedly, some men consciously or subconsciously choose to have “starter relationships.” These are relationships where they test out being a committed man without the burdens of actually being a committed man. Afterwards, they apply what they learned from the starter relationship in their next relationship, and they don’t have to go through all the same mistakes with the new woman. After all, you only have to learn how to ride a bike once. The same can be said for a relationship. The trials and tribulations of the starter relationship teach men how to be better partners. Ideally, the woman’s sacrifice of time and effort are rewarded with a commitment, but there is no guarantee, especially if there was never a commitment in place to begin with.

Honestly, most men know when they want to be with a woman and when they don’t. It might seem like he randomly settled down with the “next woman,” but in actuality he was likely better prepared, older, and more mature when the opportunity for a committed relationship presented itself. This might be because of you or in spite of you. However, you can avoid being the practice/starter wife by exiting a relationship whenever you feel like a man is stringing you along, because chances are he is stringing you along. You want to be his final destination, not just another woman along his journey of self-discovery. If you’re unsure where you fall, then you should have a serious conversation that confirms you both have the same view of the future; otherwise, when the commitments are doled out, you might find yourself on the outside looking in.

Why does it seem like men always choose the next woman? Why do men say they’re not looking for anything serious, then randomly commit?

WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his background as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM, on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery, and Instagram: WisdomIsMisery.

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  • victory

    its frustrating…I dated a man for 8 years just to have him tell me one day..”i think I wanna be by myself”.. it killed me…but we were young.we .started dating each other at 18.. as I got older I understood we just grew outta each other..hes getting married in jan..god bless him…my next boyfriend, we dated for 4 years my biggest problem was he couldn’t anything…cheating cheating and more cheating..we broke up eventually…I moved on..well at least I tried..we stayed in sex or anything just casual stuff..he was was I.. year and a half later..he married heart..i was floored..the same man who couldn’t leave his mama’s house..convinced me to move to another state to be with him..just for me to get there and decide he wasn’t ready..married someone hurt so bad when I heard the news..still bothers me a little to this new boyfriend..started out great…now its slowing nervous that this relationship is going down the same path..confused on what im doing smart, funny, attractive, good attitude, I work, cook, clean, keep myself in shape..what the hell am I doing wrong?

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  • Getoverit

    She was 24 and willing put up with his bullshit….it’s not that complicated.

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  • Carolyn Jackson

    Yes, sometimes I fell like Good Luck Chuck. I mean I am happy that they found someone but then im like… turn?? lol Hopefully I’m helping some become better men. Ill stick with that theory.

  • UmmYeahOK

    Women always assume that when the ex marries the “next woman” it’s a woman he met AFTER they broke up. In most instances, he was dealing with that woman WHILE he was with you. They didn’t just up and get married…they’ve been dealing for a good while, so it APPEARS that they just up and got married.

  • Morgan

    Umm, I guess my only thought here is, why focus on this situation in such a negative light, when there is so much positivity to pull from it.

    We’re always 2 people in a relationship right? So whatever we face together, ends up impacting the both of us. Rather than obsess over what he took from your relationship to bring to his next, why don’t you focus on what you’ve gained & will bring to your next?

    I mean, you’re only stronger & wiser now that you’ve been through this. You now know how to recognize all the things you were originally blind to in your ex. All the things that should have raised flags, but didn’t, because you were too naive. This is a gift if anything! And while yes, he will take his lessons & keep them in his mental suitcase for his next official “serious” relationship… so will you!

    Trust me, a favor has been done here, you’ve won too. You’re next guy will most likely be “the one” as well, because you know exactly how to spot him.

    • anne

      @Morgan- Thanks I needed to see this…Thank you!

  • Darrk Gable

    Article is on point, as usual. My question is, how many are going to read this, think it’s bull, and then continue to wonder about the same things that are covered here?

    I know it’s not easy to deal with personal flaws and shortcomings, but when chances arise for knowledge to be gained, take them.

  • kierah

    Women plan to fall in love and then get married. Men plan to get married and then they fall in love. Men tend to have a readiness plan. Sometimes if a woman is around at just the right time in a man’s life she’ll get the ring.

    • STN


    • tial

      my Hubby told me that ” Sometimes if a woman is around at just the right time in a man’s life she’ll get the ring.”

  • Dichu eba realy lub mehSteebie


  • Miss Anonymous

    Yep, thats why I dont try to change a man or take him serious when he says Im the one. I refuse to be anyones trainer girlfriend, been there, done that and bought the tshirt (as I think about it, I was not that good at training because she took all his money lol.) I just give a man a year to decide and if he “isnt so sure if he wants to marry” then he can figure it out without me as I move on to someone who wants that.

  • Candacey Doris

    You forgot to add that sometimes, you’re just not what he’s looking for and unwilling to change to be it.

  • cheekee baby

    Starter girlfriend or not, a man who wants you will do what he’s gotta do to keep/get you. There is no ambivalence one way or the other. Now once he gets you whether he wants to make you an official permanent part of his life is where you end up in scenarios like you’ve been with him for 5 years lived with him for 3 yet there is no ring insight. That’s a mistake on the woman’s end. No one should get to occupy your space unless he has made clear intentions on buying. Stop worrying about what he’s doing or what he wants and get real and clear on what it is you want. If they do not align with what he’s prepared to give you don’t wait around for him decide if he wants you or IF he’s going to step up demand what you want.

    • Get your life!


    • Babydoll 70

      I’m seriously waiting on your book. :)

    • misscountrytia


  • Barbara Codner

    “Males are born, but men are made.”–So true!!

  • Zettai

    I don’t know where the rest of this article is but I want to say thank you for NOT making me scroll through tons of pages to read each point like you usually do, MN. (I’ll return to read the rest when the glitch is fixed.)