Didn’t You Used To Be Scared Of BJs? Black Women And Accepting Oral

January 18, 2013  |  

Source: Shutterstock.com

Dear Mom and Dad,

You may want to stop reading this right now as I will be talking extensively, probably very telling, about slobbing the knob.

Your daughter,



Okay now that they are gone, where was I? Oh yeah, blow jobs. I know, it is not proper for women, or at least a proper woman, to talk about that “narsty stuff” at least publicly. I don’t care how old she is or how many grown folks’ bills she has in her name, private part stroking with the mouth is something polite women barely do, let alone discuss. Yet this morning, while out walking the dog and listening to the local urban radio station, I heard lyrics with phrases like “Getting Her Jaws Worked” and “giving brain” and a dozen other urban euphemisms to describe how this male singer/rapper enjoyed or wanted to be pleased orally– and I only walked the dog for 20 minutes. So what is with the double standard?

This is in relation to my experience as a black woman living and working most of her life exclusively in the black community. A community where many Black women have routinely had their sexuality defined for them since the days of the auction blocks, where black enslaved women were stripped unclothed publicly so that their bodies could be displayed and inspected like mere objects. And after the block, there was a strong chance that sexual relations could be forced upon her and there would be no recourse because she had no rights to her body.

In today’s culture, it is not the auction block, that regulates proper sexual etiquette; however its presence is definitely still felt among some religious leaders, whose gospel of decency and strict rules of proper conduct, equated any woman pursuing sexual relations outside of procreation as sexually deviants. It is also felt in today’s pop culture, particularly within Hip Hop and R&B where on one hand, the black woman’s body (or at least the most celebrated physical attributes of the black girl’s body) is often used to sell a lifestyle and solidify one’s own masculinity; however is also generally regarded as the temple of the “hoes,” “chickenhead” and “hoodrats.” So yeah, it’s not always easy trying to lay claim to the parts of yourself, particularly those parts of your sexuality that is normally considered socially acceptable, when your body as well as sexual decisions has always been treated as public domain.

Oh don’t get it twisted. Black women do get down. Since my years as a curious pre-teen, it was not uncommon to find myself in the midst of spirited girlfriend-circles discussing topics of a more sexually explicit nature. However, even in those spaces where we felt comfortable to discuss our likes and dislikes there was still a desire to abide by what was considered respectable sexual relations. The was not considered one of them. While, being on the receiving end of some mouth-to-genital action was hotly debated, the idea of putting your lips on a package was definitely considered unclean and uncouth and definitely beneath the standards of any self-respecting girl. And even if someone was narsty enough to broach the topic among us girls, it was pretty much guaranteed that their query would be met with mass repulsion followed by pledges to reserve this demeaning act for the sanctity of special occasion in their future fictitious marriages.

And that was the consensus for most of my young adult life, even into college when I had managed to work my lips around one, or two, okay three penises (that I will admit to). But if asked, I would have denied it like my name was Lance Armstrong. Although I personally didn’t think there was anything wrong with the act (and truthfully rather enjoyed doing it), I was also very conscious of how many of the other girls in my dorm, many of whom came and held tightly to their religious heavy backgrounds, felt about the act. I even denied it after being out in front of those same young women in ill-advised game of truth or dare. He choose truth and then buckled under the pressure. However while the cornball guy, who cowardly announced our intimate moment, got the hi-fives, I got to sit through the mocking, the disapproving gazes and the shame.

In a piece called Who’s Afraid of Black Sexuality, Stacey Patton reports on the fields of black studies that had, for many years, taken a conservative approach to scholarship around black sexuality, even as our sexuality in some form has routinely managed to permeate popular culture and public commentary most times in the most racially subjugating ways.  Such as the furor over Janet Jackson’s exposed areola to the attention placed on the round backsides of high profiled black women like Beyoncé, Nicki Minaj, Serena Williams and even Michelle Obama. Recognizing how aspects of black sexuality “are central matters in how we’ve been perceived and how we perceive ourselves,” Patton writes that the younger, and queerer, generation of black academe has evolved to embrace black sexuality in their scholarship in more fluid ways.

Writes Patton, “While discussions of sexuality go far back in the world of black scholarship—to such work as W.E.B. Du Bois’ report on black sexual mores and marital practices in Philadelphia, Ana Julia Cooper and Ida B. Wells’ examinations of the racist construction of black male and female sexuality, and the social scientist E. Franklin Frazier’s dissection of the social patterns of the black bourgeoisie—today’s work is more explicit, rawer. It gets into the bedroom with heterosexual black men having sex with other men “on the down low;” onto the streets and adult video sets with cross-dressers, transsexuals, and black sex workers; behind prison bars with gay and lesbian inmates; into the dungeons and play dens of blacks who seek pleasure through and pain.”

If we are to go by popular culture, we are to believe that this new generation of young people, particularly young women, now feel less restricted to discuss their love of cunniligus and knob slobbing . Rappers write odes to the BJ and it is not uncommon to see your favorite television or movie star act one out on the screen. We even have female entertainers like rappers and comedians brag about how well versed they are in the act. Culturally whatever stigma, which was attached to the act has all but dissipated. In fact, two-thirds of most youth, ages 15 to 24, have had oral sex and I’ll guess that if you ask around, most people consider oral sex almost a standard part of getting it in nowadays. Even some of my girlfriends, a few of which were the most repulsed by the idea of giving a blow jobs in high school, have become the act’s most vocal (pun intended) cheerleaders.

Yes the conversations within these girlfriend circles have changed. Yet this new found appreciation for oral stimulation might not have necessarily evolved organically for some people, particularly women. Therefore, I can certainly see a woman, who finds no sexual enjoyment in mic-checking a dude, feeling forced into the act in order to uphold what has now become a new sexual norm, which now tells her that “Getting Her Jaws Worked” is mandatory part of sex, instead about what is pleasing to her. This is largely because what remains acceptable sexually still remains at the validity of those, who shape it. Women, most particularly black women, still struggle largely with shaping our own sexual images. Some scholarship, as well as open and honest dialogue with ourselves and each other, will go a long way in opening the doors for black women to feel like a blowjob is optional but it is also an acceptable option.

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  • Keisha Samoht

    SO true… so imagine its something else and make like Nike; Just do it….

  • Miyako

    Men place way too much value on oral sex.

  • Ru4real

    We’ve been giving bj’s forever it’s just now that it’s being brought out, though it’s not something you can do to just anyone. I’ve been married for 14 years and it’s one of the many things that keeps it hot!!!

  • 4ThWardGA

    Every man will tell you nothing worse than getting a BJ from a woman who doesn’t want to do it if her heart isn’t in it it’s not enjoyable with that being said I couldn’t be in a relationship with a woman who doesn’t do it because I would cheat just being real if she doesn’t give oral 9 times out of 10 she only likes to do it in missionary position boringggggg

  • Nice girl

    I am not really a fan of the “BJ” thing and I am in my 40’s, if I am really interest in someone and the relationship is serious, I will surprise him , and sometimes I won’t initiate the interest, but I think as I get older, I am beginning to even think about it even when I am not with my partner.

  • Team nymphis

    I love a girl who can pass the oral exam.and that move y’all do when you’re bringing your mouth and hand up and twist my thang with your wrist gets me everytime.
    P.S that girl in the pic looks like she doesn’t eat bananas or anything else healthy

    • JaeFromSD

      I was with all the way up until you clowned on the girl in the pic. But really though, would you even date a chick who won’t even consider going downtown?

      • Team nymphis

        If a female ain’t giving hummers I can’t fck with her.

        • Shonda Johnson

          @teamnymphis:disqus If a man can’t hold water,I can’t fck with him.

    • Shonda Johnson

      @teamnymphis:disqus You sound ignorant. Why would you broadcast or even say something like this on the internet?Get some respect about yourself. Ignorance know NO boundaries.

      • Team nymphis

        Have you ever sckd a d?

  • itsjaefromsd

    It’s crazy to me that some women still find it disgusting to slob on a knob, but want a man to lick the kitty cat. In my opinion, giving a man head seems a whole lot better than giving it to a woman. And I know for damn sure if I were a man and a woman said she doesn’t go down, but wants me to go down on HER, then I’m ditching her a$s for someone else who will.

    • Miyako

      It’s ‘crazy’ to you that a woman might find it disgusting to give oral sex, but then you turn around and say, “In my opinion, giving a man head seems a whole lot better than giving it to a woman.”

    • Shonda Johnson

      @32bae953751ac1550f61c3df8b04b3b1:disqus “In my opinion, giving a man head seems a whole lot better than giving it to a woman.”


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  • tiffanysince1987

    Media has done a great job at desensitizing us when it comes to sex and an even better job at exploiting the female sexuality. It is expected for men to be the carnal beings they are while we women are suppose to evoke sexiness but remain somewhat virtuous simply because that’s what society expects.. ***bs** kinda off topic but kinda on topc at the same time

  • 13″ of love

    A ho has gots to give dem brain jobs to me or I’s out diggy dog!

  • Honestly..

    Let’s be honest. Bj’s are disgusting. Why would you want to put your clean mouth down there?! Nothing about it apeals to me and if black men have a problem with the majority of black women not wanting to do it than so be it!!! The sun doesn’t rise & set on the black man!

    • JaeFromSD

      Black man? You think the only man wanting some head is a black man? You better wake up sista girl before another woman steals your man. I’m surprised women who don’t go done actually HAVE a man.

      • Herm Cain

        Oh she doesn’t lol

      • Miyako

        Lol. The typical “What you won’t do another woman will/How will you keep a man” threat that people use against women for not falling in line with what other people agree with or are comfortable with.

        • Nikki

          Right. So ridiculous. If you and your partner are sexually compatible and they are fine with what you do (or don’t do), they won’t allow anyone else do anything. Heck, I don’t do anal and i’m pretty sure my husband’s not out poking booties lol

    • Nisa

      Because I’m grown and I want him to put his clean mouth on my down there. 🙂

    • blkgzus

      umm if your dude is NOT clean “down there”, please tell him to wash thoroughly. and- you dont think having sex is disgusting, right? so, unless you consider YOUR “down there” to also be an “unclean area”, i’d hope that you wouldn’t put something “not clean” inside your vagina.

  • DTJ

    ” pledges to reserve this demeaning act for the sanctity of special occasion in their future fictitious marriages.” haha at future fictitious marriages! for myself, i viewed is as relinquishing power to the man….until the first time i did it (18 years old) i realized i had all the power at that moment. when u notice that u are the one making HIM squirm, and not the other way around, its rather ego boosting in nature

  • She Speaks

    *dead* at the picture associated with this article.

  • Natasha T

    It was taboo when I was going to school in the 1990s. I even gave my first boyfriend a bj during my freshman year in high school and I told him not to tell anyone what I did. The next day his friends asked me if they wanted one from me since I gave it to my bf. I ran to go find his a^^ and I slapped the snit out of him after I told him keep that bj to ourselves and dumped him for good. After that I was afraid to give guys I dated bjs for 10 years until I met my husband and was a year and a half into us dating, we got intimate and even though he didn’t expect me to give him a bj, I did it and I wasn’t afraid anymore. Now I love giving my husband bjs ever night after we put our 2 kids to sleep.

    • Nisa

      No offense, but that’s because 14 is too young.

    • NarutoFriendOmoi

      awwe, soo sweeet

    • Laine

      A BJ every night…?? I don’t mind doing it, but every night..??? Wow, your husband is lucky..! haha

  • Guest

    Why did Madame Noire use a picture of a grossly fat woman for this article? Ugh…

    • Sagittarius81

      Why are you complaining about the pic, is the image of a woman with extra meat on her bones burning your eyes or something? How intolerant!

      • Natasha T

        Must be a white troll.

        • I almost bet its not. Our people are the first to throw shade..sad but true

    • Natasha T

      How this beautiful sista gross? At least she ain’t sickly bony, just big, beautiful and healthy. You better be lucky she’s holding bananas in that pic!

  • CB3

    I think it’s always been that black women can’t be as open with our sexuality as women of other races. For some reason we are demonized for doing the same things that our non-black counterparts do openly. Me personally when i do do the “do” it’s with someone I’m comfortable with and do it quiet well. Judge if you must! I puts down!!

  • Miyako

    “Didn’t You Used To Be Scared Of BJs? ”

    No, not scared, just disgusted by such a thing.

  • SheBe

    Oh Charing. You have a way with words like none other.

  • JaneDoe

    My best friend who is 29 called me last week saying she finally broke down and gave her current situation of 5 mins (joke) head for the first time ever in life MULTIPLE times.. I still don’t believer her. Someone pushing 30 who has been sexually active since 15 yrs old and on the first time you go all out multiple times.. Yea right..

  • Sagittarius81

    Back in high school (this was the between years 1996-2000), if a girl gave a bj to her boyfriend and the boyfriend told some of his friends, the whole damn school would know about it and the girlfriend gets embarrassed and hurt, even have her name on the bathroom walls and stalls. Now, even teen girls are open about. I work as a school nurse and 14-16 year old girls would be open about it without the rumors and the embarrassment from 16 years ago (unless it’s videotaped and pics and it’s spreads on the internet). Me personally, I love giving it to my husband, we just love to please each other.

    • Back in my middle school years (1998-2001) there were several girls who were open about it. Folks tried to shame them, but they didn’t care. By the time I got to HS, it was “okay” to be a hoe, as long as you were a “classy hoe” (I have no clue how that’s even possible, but *Kanye shrugs*)… I’m just glad my momma raised me with enough common sense to know better and put enough fear in my heart to do better, because folks talk too much, and if that type of info ever got back to my momma about me, HONEY, it would’ve been some slow singing and flower bringing! RIP!

      • Sagittarius81

        My mom (RIP) raised me to respect myself and know my worth as well and if any guy I dated have to earn my goodies.

      • Nisa

        Yes, I don’t think that this is for middle schoolers or even high schoolers.

    • Shonda Johnson

      When I was in high school (2006-2010),they was still doing the same thing you stated)”Want a good bj, call Sydney”.

  • “I would have denied it like my name was Lance Armstrong.”

    Funniest line ever! LOL

  • Nisa

    My black friends do it, but most of my white friends started doing it before they ever had sex, where my black friends didn’t do it until after they started having regular sex. I know when I was younger I was scared, but now that I’ve gotten older, I handle my business. I still have black friends who make faces about it, but I’m like bish please. If you don’t do it, the next chick will!


      Yes, I always say to my so call friends..some other chick will.

  • Iteresting article. This reminds me of the threads on why some black men prefer non black women. It was because they aren’t as sexually suppressed. Being always judged led to the bedroom as well. And what fun is there in a woman who isn’t willing to try new things. It’s 2013 better Learn to use them jaws, nothing to be ashamed about.

  • Stanley Dada

    My dad told me a really amazing story the other day. He had to issue and ultimatum (he told mom, he can’t continue live life without more adventurous sex), and go as far as separated for almost 6 months before he could get some head. That was in February 2003. And they’re not that old. They’ve been married for 27 years, dad 49 and mom 46.

    I told you this to tell you that, there are a lot of married men that are struggling till these days to get some head. I’m not about to ever put a ring on a woman that don’t know how to do a certain things in the bedroom.

    • pretty1908

      I don’t even think head was neccessarily the issue… a lot of men just want to be able to explore sexually with their spouses … women. I am not saying do things you feel that are perverse or painful, but some people just want to no limits in their sex and love lives.

    • Nisa

      Wow. I could not, would not ever have a conversation like that with my mom.

    • get real

      Stop lying. Your first paragraph that is.

    • Miyako

      What kind of father would divulge information about his sex life to his child?

      Likewise, marriage is more than ‘putting a ring on a woman’.