Have You Given Up On True Love Or What? 14 Signs You’re Settling

January 22, 2013  |  
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"young couple not getting along PF"

The fear of being alone, rushing into a relationship, and low self-esteem can all lead to settling. For some women, having a guy that is second best is better than having no guy at all. But, if you’re lowering your standards just to not be single or to boost your ego, now’s the time to let it go. Here are 14 signs you’re settling just because.


You don’t have that much in common.

While opposites may attract, it’s helpful to be in a relationship with someone who shares the same goals and passions as you do. This creates more appreciation and relatability in the relationship. If you find that you have very little in common, it’s probably because you’re settling.


There’s a lack of emotional and passionate discussions.

Not every talk you have between the two of you has to be emotional and passionate. But, when there is distance between yourself and him, there’s a reason for that. You obviously aren’t looking for love or you know that it just isn’t going to go very far, but it’s a relationship at least.


Everything is “nice” and “good.”

When you’re asked about your relationship and your boyfriend, take note of the words you use to describe it. Is your relationship nice? Is your boyfriend nice? Nice is such a broad term, and it really shows that you don’t have a deep connection to him or the relationship.


The small things annoy you the most.

Maybe he leaves his clothes all over the floor or he forgets to help with washing and drying the dishes. Whatever it is, you find that the smallest slip up sends you way over the edge. Having a lack of patience and understanding shows that your mind and heart just aren’t in it.


You crave alone time.

When in a relationship we all need our me time. However, when you start craving and wishing for the next day when you can be alone, there’s an issue. In a solid relationship, you love being around your guy, but you also love your alone time as well. If you’re settling, you find that you quickly become nostalgic for your nights and weekends alone.


Waking up next to him is unpleasant.

Waking up in the morning with the right guy next to you is one of the best feelings in the world. It should make you smile, even if he is snoring like a chainsaw. But, when you wake up mad because he hogged the blankets all night, something isn’t right.


You’ve given up on love.

Well all like the storybook romances of the princess and her prince, and the stories of falling in love on the spot. At the same time, we all come to reality at some point, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up on true love, despite how many times you’ve been burned. If you’ve given up on finding love, settling becomes a lot more likely.

"woman clock ticking"

You’re way too focused on your biological clock.

Let’s face it, we all fall in love at different points in our lives. Maybe most of your friends are married and you’re feeling behind. If you’re only in this relationship because you think your time is running out, you’re definitely settling.


There’s an itching thought that something is missing.

When you’re in a relationship that is unsatisfactory and unsatisfying, you’ll find that you know deep inside that something is missing. Instead of ending the relationship, you justify it. He’s such a good looking guy. He listens and supports me. Though he may have some of the qualities, he clearly doesn’t have them all.


You have no want to introduce him to your friends or family members.

When you’re happy with your guy, you want to introduce him to your closest girls and family. If you’ve hesitated or even flat out decided not to introduce this guy to anyone, hello red flag! Definitely get out when you can.


The relationship isn’t effortless.

A relationship with the right guy should be effortless. Communication should come easily. Hugging and kissing each other should be without thought. If your relationship is taking a lot of time and energy and it’s always being worked on, you are probably settling for the wrong guy.


Your guy is a fixer-upper opportunity.

We all have flaws and when you find the guy that is right for you, you’ll find that his flaws and faults are worth accepting. On the other hand, if you’re with second best, you have a list of things you want to fix in this guy. He needs to get skinnier, find a better paying job, and drink less.


Sex is purely functional.

After sex, there is nothing better than being able to cuddle, kiss, and whisper sweet nothings to each other. If you’re settling, you’ll find that you have no urge to make sex passionate or full of emotion. Instead, sex isn’t a common activity between the two of you, and when it does happen, it’s merely an obligation.

"unhappy black couple pf"

Your relationship is ordinary.

Couples in a good relationship strive to create their own world that is unique to them. There are inside jokes, cute pet names, and of course, fantasies. If your relationship is lacking this, your world is quite ordinary, and you see no use of building a world with this guy.


Routine, routine, routine.

A real solid relationship should be spontaneous. You two should plan random dates at random spots. Your relationship is based off a routine that seems to be your relationship’s foundation. This again shows the lack of a need for romance or excitement.

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  • Brian

    I’m thinking more people need to learn the difference between compromise and settling.

    I was reading several books that have helped steer me towards knowing exactly what you are looking for.

    1. Marry Him the Case for settling for Mr. Good Enough (Highly Recommend it) this will stop a lot of the second guessing I see on here.

    2. Waiting and Dating by Myles Munroe
    3. 5 love languages…SINGLES edition

    Too many people fall into the trap of thinking a relationship is easy. If that were the case…we’d all be in one and wouldn’t be searching for answer’s. I speak with a lot of married couples, the number one thing they all say is “WE HAD TO LEARN EACH OTHER AND COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY. IT ISN’T EASY AS PEOPLE MAKE IT OUT TO BE”

    • pretty1908

      I read waiting and dating , and it changed how i looked a men and myself. I also believe that person’s relationship with God is key to navigating and having better relationships with everyone else. I feel a lot of women and men are being forced to into marriages and relatiobnships because everyone around has said its time ,but only God knows the time. That is why I pray and I ask God to led me and my potential mates in the right direction.

      • Nene


  • was that a white guy? oh. never mind. long live the swirl!

  • Jud Jud

    Yeah its never good to settle….I just realized today that its good if an ex doesn’t try to come back into your life….it means you have grown up and ready to find something real. Its actually a good thing if he doesn’t try to contact you again….yay to potentially finding true love 🙂

    • E McArthur

      it hurts at first but sometimes its more of a blessing…dating in the later 20s is better than the early 20s too cuz the more men have actual careers…nothing wrong with holding out

  • Lb

    Thanks so much for the article Im going through this right now… But I was trying so hard to make it work because of our child. But you seriously cannot force love

  • RealAdult

    I don’t believe that relationships can be “effortless” all the time. Two people are attempting to build and maintain something here. Of course it will take effort to make sure the needs of both are met.

    • Lb

      I think they mean the love shouldn’t feel forced

      • Brian

        how can you force something when you don’t try?

        • Nene

          Sounds a little stalkerish to me,

      • Nene


  • York

    Oooo gurl, #9 is critical!! I had an ex come back around and things were cool until every small disagreement led to the same “I’m almost 30/I’m trying to find someone to settle down with” speech. I realized he only dusted my number off and hit me up because he hears his clock ticking, and not necessarily because I’m the “one”! And maybe I am, but his thirst is screaming in my ear and throwing me off!

  • As I said on my FB page, this list perfectly describes my 1st marriage. Except you missed the “Ignoring red flags that he might be a little cray-cray”. Otherwise it’s a great list. So glad I figured it out and finally got the love I deserve!

  • Na Na

    Good List!