Ask A Very Smart Brotha: My Sex Life Is On Struggle Mode

January 16, 2013  |  

Kenyetta: How you tell your husband he is not pleasing you sexually?

Damon: State what you like/need, and suggest that he makes a greater effort in trying to do that. The key is to express that idea without trying to shame and/or embarrass him in the process. If you do this in an honest and reasonable way—and if he genuinely cares about you and the relationship—he should listen. (The bigger question is how does a couple get all the way to a marriage without being able to clearly communicate their sexual needs to each other?)


Ebb: How can a female go about asking a guy for just a sexual relationship without sounding like a hoe?

Damon: Easy. Just tell the guy that you want a no-strings attached relationship, and if he thinks you’re a “ho” for that, he’s obviously not the type of guy you need to be dealing with, anyway.
(Now, do no-strings attached type relationships actually work in the long run? Hmmm. That’s another question for another day)


Lechia: How can you handle your boyfriend of 5 years and the father of your child and one on the way having a baby by someone else?

Damon: Get tested for every STD known to man, leave immediately, wait six months, and get tested again.


Carol: Is it a good idea for an unmarried couple with no kids and not living together to be business partners?

Damon: No. What happens to the business if you break up? Also, even if you don’t break up, you run the risk of letting your business dynamic interfere with your relationship (and vice versa). If you were married, maybe my advice would be different, but from all angles “unmarried couple staring a business together” = “bad idea.”


Lydia: How can u tell your husband you’re not into sex like that(Adult Videos star type) lmao serious question?

Damon: What is “adult video star sex?”
Also, I don’t mean to be a package, but how did you be with someone long enough to marry them without knowing each others’ sexual likes and dislikes? I get these types of questions frequently, and I’m curious to know how that happens.

Lydia: I been with him for a while just didn’t mess around I’m a women of God and believed on waiting! That I did…

Damon: Ok. I definitely understand that. Well, I guess my next question would be what exactly do you mean by “Adult Videos star sex?”

Lydia: Adult Videos sex is everyday all day long hit it from the back and all that… I love sex but not every day I am a mother and I go to 2 schools. I don’t be feeling like having sex every day.

Damon: Moms can’t take it from the back? Learn something new everyday. Anyway, just tell him what you’re telling me. Not so much about the kids and school and all that, but that you really enjoy sex with him, but you may not be in the mood to do it every single day. Plus, when the, um, lovin’ is intense enough, you might need a day or two to heal, anyway. Remind him that consistent and persistent rabbit-banging has the potential of leaving you too raw/sore down there to enjoy it.


Blessings: I have a bed buddy that’s been acting like a boyfriend lately. Inquiring of my whereabouts and wanting to spend more time together. But he still hasn’t come out and asked to be exclusive. I may be open to it, if we discussed. I don’t want to initiate the conversation for sake of losing the benefits. Any advice?

Damon: This is a sticky situation (pun intended). There’s a chance that his change in behavior has nothing to do with him wanting someone more serious. Sometimes, we (men and women) just get a bit more possessive when sleeping with someone. Doesn’t always mean that person wants the relationship to go to another level, though. And, to be honest, I think if he wanted that bad enough, he’d just say it.
I still think you should have the conversation, though. Don’t come at it from a “So, do you want to be Facebook official now?” angle—since you’re not even sure that’s what you want. Instead, a “So, I noticed you’ve been kinda stalking me lately. What’s up with that?” angle gives you both the opportunity to clarify things without asking a leading question.


Michaela: What’s the best way to handle conflicts w/ a guy who is ‘no-confrontational’, or hates to argue?

Damon: Remind him that passive-aggressive behavior doesn’t actually get anything done. If anything, it makes things worse because minor issues continue to fester until they become major issues.
Also, you do have to ask yourself if some of the stuff you think is argue-worthy isn’t argue-worthy at all.


Sistar: When should kids be introduced? What’s an appropriate amount of dating time?

Damon: I don’t believe in arbitrary set times. In situations like this, the best thing to do is wait until you’re actually convinced that this person will be in your life for an extended period of time.


Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at

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  • GirlSixx

    That 1st question is the main reason I don’t buy into that whole no s.ex before marriage ordeal.. Why wait until your wedding nite to find out that you and your spouse are not seeing eye to eye in the s.ex department? This woman is now asking how to tell her hubby he isn’t doing it for her sexually – I mean even if a vow of celibacy or abstinence was taken until saying “I Do” at least some form of talk about likes and dislikes in the bedroom should have come up, but then again some people just don’t like to have those type of conversationd at all until absolutely necessary and even then it’s like skating on thin ice.

    In this case I would just wait until the next time they getting it in and then just guide his hands/mouth/pen@s or whatever exactly where she wants it to go and gently let him know that;s how you like it.

  • It’s no surpriseing so many brothers and sisters are having problem with sexual relationship because the number one problem is they don’t understand and respect it’s purpose, they view sex for purely and only for sexual pleasure and it is not, the main purpose for sex is to replenish the earth, to reproduce one self and the pleasure part is to get you to do it to reproduce your self when you understand that and except it and embracing it most of your sexual problem will go away and it will be love and happyness, heaven must be like this, and all of that! Stop cheapen sex making it out to be pruely for entertainment and to get a nut!

    • So the only time you have ever had sex was with the SOLE purpose of making babies? *raises eyebrow*

      • GirlSixx

        Ya kNow??!!!! *sideeye* unless you are Hasidic I ain’t buying it.

    • pretty1908

      I partially agree… I also believe sex when its done within marriage or stable relationship reinforces passion, closeness and emotions. Not all sex just with your husband/wife or committed partner.