So You Want To Play Cupid? How To Be A Great Matchmaker For Your Friends

January 17, 2013  |  
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Are you the “caretaker” in your group of friends, always helping people move, preparing them for job interviews, making them soup while sick and lending a listening ear? Then you probably have an urge to delve into their love lives, too. But that’s not as straightforward as adding salt and hot water.  Here’s how to be a matchmaker your friends will actually seek help from.


Put a little faith in your friends

If you’re so certain two friends will like each other, just put them in the same room “by chance.” Invite them both to a dinner party or out to a bar one night in a group. If they can’t discover some interest for one another in that setting, then they probably won’t find it on a future date. So it’s just a good test run. And who knows; maybe you won’t have to do any of the work from there.


Once the date is over, don’t ask about it

Your friends won’t accept set ups from you if they know that comes along with an interrogation after, along with weekly texts asking: “Has he called you? When are you two seeing each other again? What did you think??” Your friend will appreciate your silence after the date if it didn’t go well, and if it did go well, he or she will tell you about it willingly!



Think about your friend’s past relationships

If you’re a close friend to the people you’re trying to set up, then you know the details of their past relationships. And to that end, you could probably give a rather accurate analysis of what worked and what didn’t work about their past relationships. Too many matchmakers forget to tap into that knowledge before setting friends up. But if you know that your friend is someone that needs to be with someone who has lots of time for them,gives them space,is family oriented, doesn’t want kids etc, then factor that into who you set them up with.



Make sure they’re even looking for love

Don’t set one poor friend up with another who, while charming and attractive, is completely lost/still grieving an ex/finding herself/ hates men right now. Just think of the mess you’re getting the former friend into. If both parties aren’t looking for love, then you’re only setting them up for disaster by, well, setting them up!

Think about what your friend needs and wants

Say you know your friend needs to start dating nicer guys, but if a guy is so nice that she’ll have no interest in him, then what’s the point? If you’re trying to direct a friend towards better choices in partners, choose people who possess qualities your friend both needs and wants. So maybe you find a nice guy, but one who will also call your friend on her BS. Because you know that will turn her on.


Check with both parties when inviting either one

Just because you set two friends up and their date(s) went well, it doesn’t mean they’re 100% committed to one another yet. You have to respect the natural ebb and flow of new love/relationships/flings or whatever this is. If you’re inviting a group over, or having a party, or getting people together to go out, don’t automatically invite both people. Maybe they just saw each other and need a little space. Maybe they’re both still considering their other options, and want to be “single” for the night. Talk to each about how they’d feel about seeing one another, before throwing them together.


Don’t be offended if things don’t work out

Another surefire way to make your friend never want to accept a setup from you again is by getting offended when things don’t work out in the first set up. Do this completely out of the kindness of your heart, not out of ego. Your friends don’t want to feel like they have to like each other to spare your feelings.

Facilitate more meetings if they haven’t

If the pair you’re trying to set up didn’t get the chance to exchange numbers, don’t just give one the other’s number—then they both know you’re watching and waiting for something to happen. Just create a way for them to see each other again. Invite them both to another party. Sometimes things won’t get going after the first meeting, but both people will be too shy to ask you to put them in the same room again. You have to have the foresight to do that without being asked.


Do not make excuses for either person

Don’t say, “He might come off abrasive but it’s just his sense of humor.” If two people are going to date, they need to get each other. And if they can’t get each other on their own, all they’ll ever do is fight. Everyone has their quirks, flaws or embarrassing qualities. But part of chemistry is just understanding those things for what they are, and how they fit into the whole person. If your two friends can’t see that about each other, then they shouldn’t be together.



Talk each person up

One of the perks of having a friend set you up is that he/she can gloat about you! So if you are the setter-upper, subtly tell each individual what’s great about the other. Don’t throw it in their face by saying, “Isn’t so-and-so great? She’s run 5 triathlons and works with children and is supposedly good in bed.” Be subtle about it and when the appropriate topic comes up, drop in the flattering info.



Show them both love

What’s more attractive about a person, than seeing that a friend you really care for and respect adores that person? Show both of the friends you’re trying to set up lots of love (in front of the other person, of course).

Don’t secretly like the guy

Don’t set your friend up with somebody you like. Too many women do this when they want to ignore the fact they like a guy, and it just ends up biting them in the butt. If you have the slightest inkling you could be jealous should things work out between the guy and your friend, don’t go there. Before you know it, you’ll be trying to sabotage the relationship you made happen!


Keep things on the hush hush

Don’t let anyone know you’re setting two people up. If you do, everyone will be watching them! And nothing ruins the joy of natural flirtation than knowing everyone is counting down the moments until you exchange numbers.


Ask both parties if there’s anything they want kept quiet

The stories, facts or traits your friend wants hidden may not be so obvious to you. They may not want someone to know what area of town they live in, when their last relationship was, what their parents do—there is just no knowing how this affects the way your friend is perceived. Always ask your friend before setting them up if there’s anything you should refrain from telling the other person about.

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