We’re Going Nowhere Fast: How I Learned That Not Every Relationship Is Worth Fighting For

January 17, 2013  |  

If there was one thing I used to resent myself for, it was the way that I would fight tooth and nail to hold together a relationship that was clearly over. I mean, I would be so emotionally worn-out by the time I finally accepted that the relationship was coming to an end. Not even because of the nature of the break up, but because of how hard I would fight to hold everything together. I never slowed down long enough to even ask myself if there was anything left in the relationship worth saving. All I knew was that I was about to lose something, and I don’t like losing things. I would be like an insane person, sitting at a table with a pile of broken glass from a shattered mirror in front of me. With my fingers all cut up and bleeding, I’d attempt to glue the slivers of glass that once formed the mirror back together. Of course, in the end, I’d never achieve the goal of putting the mirror (relationship) back together fully, at least not permanently anyway, because in many cases, once it’s broken, it’s broken.

One day, it dawned on me that once a season (or relationship) is over, there’s not much you can do to bring it back and sometimes attempting to do anything and everything to piece it back together only makes things more painful and strained. As I reflect on past relationships, it amazes me how much emotional energy could have been saved and pain that could’ve been avoided if I just accepted the fact that the relationship had simply run its course and it was time to move on. I also eventually realized that we sometimes aren’t even actually fighting for the person themselves, but for what being with them represents and against what not being with them symbolizes. We commonly associate break-ups with failure because to some of us, it means admitting that we were wrong–wrong about a person we trusted. It means admitting that while we thought this person was the one, we somehow miscalculated something, somewhere along the way.

Cutting your losses and moving on doesn’t mean that you didn’t love or care about the person because you’re being realistic about the fact that it’s over. It just means you love yourself enough not to constantly subject yourself to the pain of forcing something that’s finished. Everywhere you turn, we’re being told that love is worth fighting for and while I do believe this is true, there are some instances when fighting against a break-up is only prolonging the inevitable, especially when the other party makes it clear that they have no interest in salvaging what’s left of the relationship.

Breaking up doesn’t always require crying, begging, pleading, struggling or even getting indignant. You don’t have to always do something to spite the person just because they hurt you. You don’t have to seek revenge. You don’t have to struggle to make that person stay with you, because the truth of the matter is that when a person desires to end a relationship, they’re gone long before they actually leave anyway. Sometimes breaking up means being mature enough to understand that the love is gone and and it’s best for your growth as a person and happiness if you move forward. Sometimes it means being lady enough to depart from where you’re no longer desired, but recognizing that somewhere down the road you’ll meet someone who will. Sometimes it means leaving with your dignity in tact. Sometimes breaking up simply means taking a deep breath and letting go.

Follow Jazmine on Twitter @jazminedenise

All photos are courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • Coco black

    Brilliant post…..!! This sums up my ex..I walked! Some relationships aren’t worth fighting for. My happiness come first..

  • Tamandra Cooper

    I love this article and it’s accuracy. Sometimes you have to love yourself more in order to accept the end of a relationship :). That doesn’t mean you’re going to stop loving the person, just that the relationship has ran its course and it’s time to move on

  • You need to #1 get real with why you are trying to hold on to the relationship. Most women believe since they’ve been with him “soooo long” that it makes sense to bend over backwards to make it work. Not necessarily true. People change as time goes on hopefully for the better and sometimes you just cannot grow together anymore. Why see it as a loss? You only lose if you remain in the relationship that is stagnate or even worse toxic.

    • Coco black

      I hear that excuse all time..been together for sooo long it needs to work blah blah! Just last night a friend said “it’s been 4 years, I introduced him to my parents he better not be wasting my time”. All I said was “he’s not wasting your time, you’re wasting your “own” time”….

      • That’s the truth. Only thing worse then being in an dead end relationship for 4 years is being in a dead end relationship for 4 years and a day. Time waits for no one and we have very precious few days to be wasting on someone who isn’t worthy.

    • Babydoll 70

      Exactly, they see it as I’ve invested all this time that I can’t get back, if I give up I’ll lose out on reaping the benefits that will come not knowing if any benefits are actually going to come. Just hoping really.

  • UmmYeahOK

    What you’ve written is nothing short of life changing, once you’re willing to accept it. Holding onto what is no longer for you keeps you from finding your true happiness with the person you SHOULD be with. I’m going through this right now. I’ve accepted that even if you care deeply for someone, sometimes it’s just not in the cards for the two of you. Your season is over and you HAVE to move on.

    • Nic.Ed

      bought tears to my ears b/c i just got the confirmation i needed before coming to this website that the decision i made shouldnt be subject to regret

  • As my grandmother once stated “the only relationship worth fighting for is your marriage”. To me hearing about bf/gf couples going to counseling makes no sense. Life is to short and the sea to vast to be going through so many headaches and bullsh*t over something that can end with ease the next day.

  • Pseudonym

    Honestly, if more people had your dedication, marriage happiness rates would go up and divorce rates would go down.

    • JaneDoe

      I agree with you 100%. People give up too easy to start all over with some new.. Hell that gets tiring in itself.. If too ppl put in the work then maybe it will work. If one person is the only one trying its not worth it..

      • Nope

        I agree with you. It’s a slippery slope. Relationships shouldn’t be forced, but by nature they are going (supposed) to be hard. They take work, especially marriages. And as draining as those experiences can be, like you said started over with someone else is also very draining.