Why Changing For A Man Isn’t Always A Bad Thing

5 Comments
January 16, 2013 ‐ By Erica R. Williams

black couple on date.pf

 

Most women have heard that you should never change for the sake of a relationship. To some women, changing for a man is like admitting that you are desperate and one step away from settling for any man with a job. After all, if you’re so fabulous you shouldn’t have to change, right? Wrong. I’ve recently learned that changing for someone isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Here’s why.

Single women have certain ‘single woman traits,’ just as many women in successful relationships possess certain characteristics. When you’re single, you think for you. When in a relationship, you have to think for two. And these thoughts will usually have to accompany a bit of change.

I am an avid lover of “me time.” I think every woman should have it. When I’m single, I can have as much “me time” as I’d like without letting a man know when and why I need space and time. This love of my own space got in the way of one of my recent situations. Not because the guy I was seriously dating at the time was against it, but because I didn’t communicate it to him very well.

I’ve always prided myself on going after what I want and working tirelessly to get it.

This ‘go hard’ attitude is okay while I’m single, but has gotten in the way of relationships. Not because men didn’t want a hard working woman but because I didn’t make the time to balance work and a relationship.

Every time a man would question me about my lack of time, I would get defensive. I thought they wanted me to change who I was (my career and ambition); but instead they wanted me to change how I did it. And now when I revisit the situations in my mind, I see areas where I could have improved.

These are only two of the ways I let my single-girl-selfishness interfere with my relationships. These things are more obvious, but there are other things that are much more subtle. Most single women have adapted to being single, and rightfully so. We learn to take care of ourselves and be self-sufficient. Unfortunately,  sometimes these habits put us first and leave the men trying to get close to us, behind.

So if a man tells you that you’re too into you and not as in to him; before you give him the eye, consider what he’s saying. I learned to change things about me that I actually didn’t think were bad while I was single, but realized they were like a death sentence to a relationship. This didn’t mean I changed who I was, I just changed some things that I did.

Has being in a relationship ever revealed things you needed to change about yourself?

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  • Babydoll 70

    I think you should compromise, not change cause if the relationship doesn’t work and you end up in a new one then you’ll be making changes for each person you’re dating thereafter. If you change it should be for yourself and it should be changes that are necessary for your grown and a person and as 1/2 of a serious, not fly by night relationship. I’ve never heard of any man complaining that a woman is working too much, just me but I know men will always put their careers first unless they don’t have one.

  • Miyako

    You are okay with men telling you how to spend your time so that it is convenient for them? And, what do you mean by women adapt to being single? Is a woman being single unnatural or something? If you are more into yourself than a man, then obviously there has to be a lack of interest on your point.

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    So you can’t act like a single person when you aren’t single? Okay gotcha!

    • Nope

      Pretty much sums things up, and what people need to remind themselves of instead of comparing apples(being single) to oranges (relationships).

  • York

    I do agree that some habits need to be tweaked if you want to include another person in your life. But, you SHOULD keep going hard until you find a man you’re really interested in. At that point you’ll make time for them in a natural way; nobody will have to ask you to turn your “me” time into “we” time.