Ask A Very Smart Brotha: He’s Married Now But He Says He Still Wants Me…

January 3, 2013  |  
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Kat: Is it smart to put a thriving career and making money over finding a man?

DY: I don’t know which one is “smarter,” but I do know that it’s dumb to think that you can;t have both. I mean, how are you going to have any luck finding a man if you can’t see because you need glasses and you don’t have glasses because you don’t have any money?

Roxanne: How do you get over infidelity in your marriage? I’m having a very hard time trying to get over it even though it happened 2 yrs ago..Thanks in advance

DY: If both parties are truly committed to the marriage being a lifelong thing — and are both committed to moving forward from that “mistake”—any changes won’t happen overnight. You were deeply hurt, and just like any other injury, it’s going to take some time to heal. If you haven’t explored this option already, I’d suggest going to couples therapy as well. If that doesn’t work and you still feel like you’ll never be able to get past it, maybe it’s time to reevaluate whether you want to stay in the relationship.

Rekesha: How long is too long to wait for an engagement ring?

DY: I hate to put an arbitrary definition on what constitutes “how long” because, well people tend to move at their own pace, and things like marriage and buying rings are dependent on income, age, etc. But, if you are in the “marrying age” — “marrying age” is basically late twenties and up—if you’ve been together for longer than two years, the chances of you getting engaged/married decrease with every year.

Loriel: Why do men say that they’re interested in & or like U but then don’t act like it? Then the woman moves on & the man then becomes interested.

DY: When a man does that, he’s not really that interested in you. He just wants you to be interested in him

Seana: Is it ever possible to get out of the friend zone?

DY: For a man stuck there, yes. For a woman stuck there, no.

Btw, no one over 21 should ever allow themselves to be “friend zoneded,” btw. If you’re interested in someone, and the interest isn’t reciprocal, there’s no sense in waiting around to see if they’ll change their mind. Chuck the deuces and find someone else

Denise: Damon, an old flame who repeatedly hurt me for a year, came back and apologized. Told me the reason he didn’t say anything sooner was because he knew that he had hurt me beyond repair. I have moved on but I wonder is being just friends with him possible? Should I not reply to the email and just forget it?

DY: Accept the apology, and continue to move on. Don’t see the point or purpose in being friends with a person who repeatedly did you dirty

Latoya: I’ve dated my bf off on for 6yrs. We have 4 children together. 2 living other 2 deceased. After the passing of the children our relationship hasn’t been the same. We’ve tried counseling but unsuccessfully not completing because he didn’t want to finish. He is a good father to our children. When it comes to our relationship there is no effort in my eyes. I have to take control in the relationship. I don’t want to tell a grown man what to do. I’m not his mother. I keep telling him take control, be the man but he never does. We’ve had to canceled 3 weddings because he wasn’t ready. We’re saved, I’m just the only one that commits to our religion and being celebete till marriage. Should I just move on or stick it out?

DY: I’m really sorry to hear about the kids. As far as the relationship goes, I’m thinking it’s time for you to go your separate ways. Not much of a relationship if only one person is committed to it being a relationship

Maria: Why is it so hard for a man to be up front and honest about what he wants… Be it a relationship, friends with benefits etc.? I used to think that age and maturity had something to do with this but seemingly that is not the case.

DY: Typically, men who aren’t upfront and honest about what they want are that way for one of two reasons

1. They have no idea what they want

2. They feel that being completely honest won’t be met with positive feedback

Yasmin: How do you meet a nice honest man?! Or am I asking for too much?! lol. xx

DY: Best way to meet a nice and honest man? Be a nice and honest woman. (Oh, and leave the house)

Avalla: I’ve been in a love triangle…first unknowingly. I actively date, but I fell in love with a man this summer and he asked to move in and I said no. Come to find out, he was engaged during our whole relationship and wanted to get out. His PRESENT wife knew he was cheating. When they married she made him tell me it was over. I stopped contact with him.

A couple months later he called crying about how big of a mistake he made, and how he is unhappy. I forgave, but still hurt. He said he was still in love me the whole time Recently, I told him we should stop contact and he work on his life… in short he wants me to wait for him, and not loose contact. I’ve found that all my feelings haven’t gone away, but I respect marriage. I’m a little lost. Any advice?

DY: Stay lost. And by “stay lost” I mean “run the f*ck away”

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at

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