Straight From His Mouth: 5 Reasons You Had Him And Then Lost Him

December 31, 2012  |  

 

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Most people never get a title, they’ll always be the girl who a man will sleep with or date casually but he will never give her a title. She’ll sometimes look at herself in the mirror and wonder what it is about her that makes men unlikely to commit. That is, until she meets the only person worse off than her. It’s the woman who can get the title but the relationships never really seem to stick.

Each time you meet her, she’s dating a new guy and you’re starting to lose track because you can’t remember all the names. Each time you don’t see her, it’s because she’s fallen head over heels for a new guy and spends all of her time with him. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but that’s an old adage by someone who has probably never been left. When you find yourself in that position of being let go by a guy, t’s an opportunity to ask yourself why and, instead of just assuming you were played, figuring out just how you ended up in that situation. Here are five possible explanations:

  1. You were never in a real relationship – Oh come on now! We’ve all got that friend who makes up arbitrary relationships in her head. She’s got no reason to believe that she’s in a relationship except that she thinks she is. Listen up, “if you hit this, we go together” is a completely stupid idea. It, like many other similar professions, all comes down to one thing: it really doesn’t matter if you think you’re in a relationship if he doesn’t.
  2. You haven’t really gotten over your past relationship and it’s holding you back – Most people come out of relationships wounded to some extent. They may not have turned into bad people or they may not have been treated badly, but they’re slightly wounded. Sometimes, people are just emotionally drained after a relationship. Relationships are also like systems, each one operates in its own way. When you move on to the new relationship, you have to move on to the new relationship and leave the old one in the past. It’s not something you’ll work at, it’s something you just have to do.
  3. You change when you get in a relationship – Men aren’t the only ones who get comfortable in relationships, women do it too. It’s not even the comfort zone people who struggle, sometimes it’s the people who dial it up too fast. It’s those women who see everything from the point of being single to a relationship as a challenge and goal, but then once they are in a relationship, their eyes go immediately to marriage. It takes a lot for a man to commit in a relationship, if you turn around right away and start talking moving in together and marriage, he’s out. On the flipside, if you get way too comfortable in a relationship because you think that’s it’s harder to get out of a relationship than get into a relationship, you will soon find out just how foolish your thoughts are.
  4. You don’t change when you get in a relationship – “Relationships shouldn’t change you” – FALSE. Of course your relationship will change you, if anything, you’re no longer single and you need to behave like it. A lot of things are cool when you’re in the courting phase; you can go out each Thursday night with the girls for happy hour, spending time together is planned and not expected, you make the pursuit of a relationship a priority instead of the actual relationship. But then, you ‘re in that relationship and you realize that in order for the relationship to be successful you’re going to have to make some changes. When you don’t make those changes, he starts to think that the person he thought you would grow and develop into will actually never show up. (Note that I said, grow and develop and not change. I know you people will love to jump at an opportunity to think someone is trying to change you.)
  5. You make a great girlfriend, but not a great wife – Chile… Most women think that men sit around talking about money, h*es and rims. OK, we do, but we also talk about women who will make great wives versus great girlfriends. When men are talking about their relationship, they have this look on their face that’s almost to say, “She’s a great girl but she’s just not the one I’ll be with in the long run.” When the man comes to this conclusion, sometimes after he’s already in the relationship, he’ll try and wait it out for a bit. No matter how hard he tries, he’ll eventually admit to himself that there’s nothing about this girl that he sees long term and it’s better to be single than in a relationship just to be in a relationship.

The good news is that most, if not all, of these reasons are ones that you can work your way through and overcome to become a better person and partner. The only person who prevents you from being great often times is you. If you need to make changes to yourself or your relationship and your reluctance causes you to continuously lose your relationship, it’s you. Very few people are inherently flawed (although they do exist), which means that you can grow and you can take control of your love life’s health. Face it, you’re the only one you’ve got.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

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