Straight From His Mouth: 5 Reasons You Had Him And Then Lost Him

12 Comments
December 31, 2012 ‐ By Dr. J

 

Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

Most people never get a title, they’ll always be the girl who a man will sleep with or date casually but he will never give her a title. She’ll sometimes look at herself in the mirror and wonder what it is about her that makes men unlikely to commit. That is, until she meets the only person worse off than her. It’s the woman who can get the title but the relationships never really seem to stick.

Each time you meet her, she’s dating a new guy and you’re starting to lose track because you can’t remember all the names. Each time you don’t see her, it’s because she’s fallen head over heels for a new guy and spends all of her time with him. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but that’s an old adage by someone who has probably never been left. When you find yourself in that position of being let go by a guy, t’s an opportunity to ask yourself why and, instead of just assuming you were played, figuring out just how you ended up in that situation. Here are five possible explanations:

  1. You
    were never in a real relationship
    – Oh come on now! We’ve all got that friend who makes up arbitrary relationships in her head. She’s got no reason to believe that she’s in a relationship except that she thinks she is. Listen up, “if you hit this, we go together” is a completely stupid idea. It, like many other similar professions, all comes down to one thing: it really doesn’t matter if you think you’re in a relationship if he doesn’t.
  2. You haven’t really gotten over your past relationship and it’s holding you back – Most people come out of relationships wounded to some extent. They may not have turned into bad people or they may not have been treated badly, but they’re slightly wounded. Sometimes, people are just emotionally drained after a relationship. Relationships are also like systems, each one operates in its own way. When you move on to the new relationship, you have to move on to the new relationship and leave the old one in the past. It’s not something you’ll work at, it’s something you just have to do.
  3. You change when you get in a relationship – Men aren’t the only ones who get comfortable in relationships, women do it too. It’s not even the comfort zone people who struggle, sometimes it’s the people who dial it up too fast. It’s those women who see everything from the point of being single to a relationship as a challenge and goal, but then once they are in a relationship, their eyes go immediately to marriage. It takes a lot for a man to commit in a relationship, if you turn around right away and start talking moving in together and marriage, he’s out. On the flipside, if you get way too comfortable in a relationship because you think that’s it’s harder to get out of a relationship than get into a relationship, you will soon find out just how foolish your thoughts are.
  4. You don’t change when you get in a relationship – “Relationships shouldn’t change you” – FALSE. Of course your relationship will change you, if anything, you’re no longer single and you need to behave like it. A lot of things are cool when you’re in the courting phase; you can go out each Thursday night with the girls for happy hour, spending time together is planned and not expected, you make the pursuit of a relationship a priority instead of the actual relationship. But then, you ‘re in that relationship and you realize that in order for the relationship to be successful you’re going to have to make some changes. When you don’t make those changes, he starts to think that the person he thought you would grow and develop into will actually never show up. (Note that I said, grow and develop and not change. I know you people will love to jump at an opportunity to think someone is trying to change you.)
  5. You make a great girlfriend, but not a great wife – Chile… Most women think that men sit around talking about money, h*es and rims. OK, we do, but we also talk about women who will make great wives versus great girlfriends. When men are talking about their relationship, they have this look on their face that’s almost to say, “She’s a great girl but she’s just not the one I’ll be with in the long run.” When the man comes to this conclusion, sometimes after he’s already in the relationship, he’ll try and wait it out for a bit. No matter how hard he tries, he’ll eventually admit to himself that there’s nothing about this girl that he sees long term and it’s better to be single than in a relationship just to be in a relationship.

The good news is that most, if not all, of these reasons are ones that you can work your way through and overcome to become a better person and partner. The only person who prevents you from being great often times is you. If you need to make changes to yourself or your relationship and your reluctance causes you to continuously lose your relationship, it’s you. Very few people are inherently flawed (although they do exist), which means that you can grow and you can take control of your love life’s health. Face it, you’re the only one you’ve got.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

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  • L-Boogie

    Interesting.

  • Afrorican85

    @yourtango-7ef23fd1ad0dc25fcf0f9a0e0da93655:disqus I gotta admit you are right. Since hindsight is 20/20 I saw a little of myself in the advice you gave your friend. The funny thing is I initially had your take on things until some very co-dependent (didn’t know they were at the time) friends insisted that a guy does not want a woman who does not make them the priority so instead of lving life on my terms and simply include him for compromise I pretty much made him a fixture and in the end it did more harm than good. Next time I will just do me and leave enough space for him to “miss me when i’m gone” (drizzy! lol) I really hope your friend will take your advice next time. It would do her a world of good.

  • Observant

    Off topic (but generally appropo).
    Whenever MN has a negative story, I have noticed that the image used is usually a darker skinned black woman. Am I imagining this??

    • Ladybug94

      I haven’t noticed but I did notice they put a lot of Wesson oil on her lips. I will have to be on the lookout on the pics they use.

    • Lauren Love

      I hadn’t noticed either but I’m officially on the lookout too.

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    Most women I know who are perpetually single all seem to have the same M.O. As soon as they get serious with someone they become codependent. There is no longer any intrigue and they seem to lose who they are.

    One of my girlfriends I talked to about this, she use to meet up with the other friend and I like 2-3 times a month but once she got serious with old dude she fell of the map. I tried to tell her that the spunky, fun loving, and independent woman she was when she met him was who she needed to be to keep him. Of course that advice went in one ear and right out the other. She told me she didn’t want to “play those games” and proceeded to devote all of her free time to him. Fast forward not even 3 months later and she was on my phone at midnight, crying, and drunk talking about he said he needed some space. Wash rinse, repeat with her she just doesn’t get it.

  • Stanley Dada

    Then # 4 should have been “You don’t GROW when you get in a relationship”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/andre.monteiro.75685 André Monteiro

    I don’t really get it, being a great girlfriend vs being a great wife? What if you don’t want to get married?

    • Ms. Kameria

      I agree. My thoughts exactly. Not every woman wants to be a “wife”. (Whatever that really means nowadays.

      • Miss K

        I think it can be translated to simply mean that he does not see long term potential in the relationship. Regardless of your status as his girlfriend, “wifey” or baby mama, there’s something that’s keeping him from putting a ring on it in the traditional sense. A long term relationship, or even a common law arrangement, often has many of the same hallmarks of a legal marriage: cohabitation, shared expenses, responsibilty. Most men (people in general) have a pretty strict notion of what and who constitutes “marriage material.” Unfortunately, many people get mixed up with the wrong person before they can figure it all out.

  • anakroy