An Open Letter To All The Homewrecking Women: Have Some Respect For Yourself

56 comments
January 22, 2013 ‐ By Cecily Michelle

"homewrecker"

For the first five years of my life, I grew up in a two-parent household. My mom and dad had been married for four years before I was born, and although things were far from perfect, we were a family. Along with my sister and half-brother, we lived a pretty decent life. That is until my dad got involved with a crazy, desperate woman who did everything in her power to split our family apart.

My mother deal t with all kinds of disrespect, from random phone calls at her job to narsty messages on her answering machine. But her breaking point came when she’d discovered that my father would be welcoming an outside child with this woman. Then all of her hopes of sticking it out with my dad to give us, her children, the family she never had, all flew out the window. And she left.

Even then, the drama continued. I remember walking outside with my mother early mornings as she prepared to drive me to school and seeing slashed tired and headless birds lying lifelessly atop her burgundy Hyundai. This homewrecker was still taunting my mother, making sure that all thoughts and chances of her and my dad getting back together were dead. She sent voodoo dolls to my grandmother’s house with threatening messages, unleashed black birds in my father’s apartment and did everything else she felt necessary to get what she wanted, and she got it (along with a few a** whoopings too).

As a kid, I never fully understood what was going on, but as a young woman who has seen it happen over and over again with friends, family, strangers and mildly in my own relationship, I am fully aware of what these type of women are all about. Yeah, I know, it’s been said a million times, and it’s very true: a good man is hard to find. And with drugs, gangs, and the prison system swallowing up our brothas, this is especially true of black men (sorry, I love y’all to death, but let’s be real). Therefore, some women are so deprived of love and afraid of being alone that they’ll go above and beyond to get a man, even if he is married with children.

If you are this type of woman, here is what I have to say to you: it’s very clear that you have issues, particularly with self-esteem. To get involved with a married or committed man is one thing, but to deliberately try to take him away from his wife and family, or to intentionally do things that will ruin his life at home is on a whole other level of disrespect. If you love and respect yourself enough, you’ll know that you shouldn’t have to fight to have a man, and that you shouldn’t battle to get something that’s not yours. You would understand that you deserve someone who isn’t solely interested in sneaking you around for sex. Someone whose family you can meet, who will put you first and do things to let you know that you come second, third or fourth to no one.

If you truly respected yourself, you couldn’t bear even the thought of causing another woman pain and watching children suffer over a half-a** relationship. And yes, the men in these situations are just as guilty. If not, they’re even more to blame for stepping outside of their commitments, and worse, allowing their girls, fiancés or wives to be disrespected. But you have a choice as well. You can choose to try and come between what he’s established with his lady (and their children, if they have any), or you can walk away. For any woman who cares enough about herself and is raised on respect, there’s no question that the best option is number two.

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  • tyneka sparrow

    @Tyneka Sparrow-

    If you love and respect yourself enough,
    you’ll know that you shouldn’t have to fight to have a man, and that you
    shouldn’t battle to get something that’s not yours. You would
    understand that you deserve someone who isn’t solely interested in
    sneaking you around for sex.

    If you truly respected yourself, you couldn’t bear even the thought
    of causing another woman pain and watching children suffer over a
    half-a** relationship. And yes, the men in these situations are just as
    guilty. If not, they’re even more to blame for stepping outside of their
    commitments, and worse, allowing their girls, fiancés or wives to be
    disrespected. But you have a choice as well. You can choose to try and
    come between what he’s established with his lady (and their children, if
    they have any), or you can walk away. For any woman who cares enough
    about herself and is raised on respect, there’s no question that the
    best option is number two.

    • mrs grandson

      ur Ford Taurus is being used to see other women n he is driving on a suspended lic…u were a #2 and settled for it. So where is your self love…how u got him is how ull lose him…he is fuckin around on u and lying to u…if he did it w/ you he will do it to u …u was down with it..but now he got a baby on the way by me…I got him, he pick me up in ur Taurus to take me to movies and dinner and to my doctor apts..That’s my baby father i got him! I am about to meet up w/ my mother in law (his mom)…

  • lena

    The issue is the other women because now a days no way can you sleep with a man and not know he is married. Sorry but men can not cheat if women would close their legs!!!! Why do we neglect the women/men who enjoy sneaking around! They are Wrong! And the fact that she harassed the mother let’s you know she wanted to break up family! I know single women who target married men for security and financial support totally disregards for the family ….

  • lena

    The issue is the other women because now a days no way can you sleep with a man and not know he is married. Sorry but men can not cheat if women would close their legs!!!! Why do we neglect their women/men who enjoy sneaking around! They are Wrong! And the fact that she harassed the mother let’s you know she wanted to break up family! I know single women who target married men for security and financial support totally disregards for the family ….

  • lady1

    I’m not agreeing that what my husband did was ok, took lots of prayer, forgiving, him changing ( and he wanted to change) and it took me a long time to forgive, but I have not forgoten, I gave him a second chance. We have no children together- they are grown exept my six year old, whom I share custody with my ex, so he’ not with us full time. But trust and believe if he does anything like that again- its a wrap. He provides well, he supports me, anyyhing I need or my six year old needs, and a host of other things he does for us. Only once will I call it a mistake. He is a good man so I wasn’t sooooo quick to leave- I felt like it, trust me I did and we are still working on trust. I talked thru my situation with a few trusting women I know who’s been married for 25+ years was help for me. It’s a way to handle things , but only once.

  • kizzy

    I think you all are giving the other woman a pass. I don’t care what a man tells you, it is not ok to take that and try to manipulate another persons situation. She is still an adult. Being ignorant and frankly abusive does not make it ok. The other woman can believe any lie she wants to, but it is not her place to stalk and harass that mans wife and I really get tired of people saying well a person only does what you let them do. Thats crap because a person does it and then there is a response. I think the authors mother did a good job of not reacting, because after a divorce I would have all those actions as a personal threat to the safety of my family.

  • http://www.facebook.com/toni.clark.1217 Clark Toni

    My feelings is this blame your father, it is not that all men cheat. A lot do though, why do women always seem to blame the other woman!! I don[t quite understand that you don’t know what that man is telling the other woman. Your father knew what he had and he decided to break his vows with his wife and then you the child. Point the finger directly at your dad, but I wouldn’t want anyone that doesn’t want me or deserve me. It too took me years to realize it but because of bad things that happen when I was a child and losing my father. I didn’t know these things because I had no one to teach me and show me.

  • Miyako

    If the woman your father is cheating with is a ‘slore’, then your dad is a ‘slore’ too.

  • Mia

    Yawn. If the man is even more guilty why is this citizen addressing women who prove time and time again that they dont care about the wives feelings? Girl take your bitterness out on your father ! He bought that heathenous woman into your home.

  • Babydoll 70

    Hmmm sounds like your father also played a big role in tearing your family apart as well seeing as he was 1/2 a participant in the affair.

  • klynn

    Men will lie as long as it take to get what they want. I knew a man for almost a year before I found out he was married. I was busy doing my thing, and I thought he was busy doing his thing. The fact that I am celebate helped a great deal, I wanted to have the “right person “for me in my bed. When I started to have serious feelings for him, I began my investigation and sure enough i found out he was married. At first I tried to justify the relationship. I’m a busy person and I thought I could handle it. The more I thought about how his wife probable felt she had the perfect husband, family, life, I began to feel sorry for her, I decided she had enough problems and I didn’t want to be a part of it, so I left him alone, but it was not easy in the beginning because I had developed feelings for him, which he banked on. I love myself too much to play second fiddle. It’s a sorry woman that cannot think for herself. We as women have choices, you just have to have enough respect for yourself to make the right ones. I chose not to be a homewrecker. A man, well he’s just a man.

  • http://www.facebook.com/dionne.queen Dionne Queen

    How you get a man, is how he is going to leave you. (What I have been told). You do dirt. You get dirt.

  • UmmYeahOk

    While it would be nice if mistresses and cheating men took heed to the author’s message, they won’t. As long as there are women who’d rather have a piece of man than accept temporary singledom, these type of situations will continue.

  • Stanley Dada

    Blaming the other woman!

  • http://twitter.com/JaniceJade1 Janice Jade

    you can put blame on him true. but really the blame is on the woman as well,. you got to have enough respect for yourself to not fall for the okey doke. some women don’t use their head at all…….

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1438551270 Jessica Lucinda Williams

    Both parties are just as responsible for breaking up the home. You know someone is married but you actively pursue them because you can be so much better for them than their spouse??? Remember one thing, you reap what you sow. What you put out always comes back to you!

  • Nikki

    I see the other posts and in this case, it is the father’s fault, but the woman had no reason to taunt her mom that way. That was unnecessary. However, there ARE some crazy women out there that will do anything to try and get someone else’s man. For example, my COUSIN. She tried so hard to sleep with my ex while we were together. Any time I would bring him for the holidays, she would do her BEST to try and get him alone. Naturally, he didn’t want those problems and he always made sure I was in clear view lol It got to the point where I left to get ice and she cornered him on the stairs. He had to push her off the stairs to get away from her. My family confirmed that she wouldn’t move, so I know he wasn’t lying. He wanted to leave that night and didn’t want to go back! Mind you these were back in the Myspace days, so she was stalking his Myspace, making up fake pages to look at his page, telling me that he must be cheating cause he was too good looking to be faithful…just doing the most to try and get with him. Smh. It was a mess. To think, this all started with a picture I had in my room of him with his shirt off. Just recently, she was in town when I went to visit some other family and she stopped by. Needless to say, we haven’t really kept in contact so this was her first time meeting him. I saw how she was looking at my husband! I was like Oh Lord, I don’t need these problems. Hopefully, she has grown since then. She did send him a Facebook request right after that tho. Hmmm lol

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1438551270 Jessica Lucinda Williams

      that is crazy!! doing that to your own family!! hopefully you won’t have to go through that again!

      • Nikki

        Right, but she has always been like that (boy crazy and wanting all men to want her). Thanks tho. So far, she hasn’t pulled any stunts.

  • LMJ82

    I agree wholeheartedly Cecily….but can we also address the fact that being “number 1″ and staying w/ a cheater and a liar also wreaks of low self-esteem and low self-worth just the same?? Gosh, so many men get away w/ their BS and are able to keep their lies and double, (sometimes triple) lives going b/c they have the long-suffering wife, girlfriend, baby momma, wifey, or whatever… toiling away @ home, desperately holding onto the man, the house/apt/condo…and the dream he sold her, all b/c she may have an “official title”. That is so crazy to me! Women need to understand that staying w. a liar, cheater and/or adulterer, makes you no more noble or any less “desperate” than the side chick….just b/c you were “here first”….

    And might I add….not to disrespect your daddy, but you Have to question what kind of man he was to deal w/ such a “crazy desperate woman” in the first place! If he was having unprotected sex w/ his side piece to even get her knocked up and w/ the type of woman who leave headless birds, voodoo dolls and all other kinds of craziness…what does that say about him?? Lastly, I know your momma had “first rights” or whatever, but I’m sorry, husband or not…when you know your man is a cheater and he’s brought a 3rd party into the mix….You have to respect Yourself and your children’s piece of mind enough Not to stay and fight b/c what are you fighting for?? A negro who has already shown you how much respect he has for you, ya’lls family, and your position as “1rst”?! Nah…I’m sorry but these women and men can’t wreck what ain’t already wrecked honey, and they darn sure can’t come in w/o an invitation.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1438551270 Jessica Lucinda Williams

      on that same token, what woman with an ounce of self respect and self esteem would have anything to do with a married man?? i see lots of people laying most of the blame on the woman who was cheated on, the only innocent party in my book. “blame the man a little because he only does what he’s allowed to do” (like he should not exercise any integrity or fidelity? “don’t blame the other woman at all” because she had to be invited in? like she didn’t have the wherewithal to say no?? i will never blame a married woman for trying to fight to save her marriage, because she made the vow, for better or worse and that is her right. but i do however agree that if all you get is the “worst” it’s time to collect your children, and leave that man to his thirsty, crazy, and desperate side piece, since she wants to step into the “Missus” shoes so badly.

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    While that’s good advice for a normal sane woman, the woman the author described is insane with psychopathic tendencies. If you think you can reason with crazy, you’re living in delusion.

  • IllyPhilly

    This is just like telling the rich not to steal.

    • LMJ82

      Philly in the house! ;-p

  • RJA

    All I know is if I meet the man of my dreams, I’m not gonna let something like his relationship stand in my way. I’m not gonna be fighting for him either. What I will do is just keep doing me until he realizes that I’m the better option and he makes his choice. And if he doesn’t realize that in a timely fashion, I’m out

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      No words. Absolutely no words . . . .

      • MLS2698

        Translation: repeated sidepiece for life. Always in search of……….

        • realadulttalk

          Lmao–I really hate you right now!!! That translation simply slayed me!!!

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          LMAO! But who was the dummy that plus 1ed her post though? Ridic. She aint gonna “let something like his relationship stand in my way.” Somebody come get your child and finish raising her properly.

    • LMJ82

      Yikes….

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1438551270 Jessica Lucinda Williams

      errr ummm????? alrighty then!

    • MLS2698

      Sounds like a nightmare, not ” the man of your dreams.”

    • RJA

      LOL i was pretty sure that sounded so rediculous that y’all would HAVE to know it’s a joke…

      • Nikki

        I had to read that twice!! I was like…WHAT?!? Lol Is she serious?! Girl, it’s some girls that really feel that way!

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1438551270 Jessica Lucinda Williams

        lol! you got me!!

  • realadulttalk

    I think this letter should have been to your father as well. No one can wreck a home from the outside–that must be done from those who are in that home. Your father wrecked his home–that other woman had no reason to care about what was going on there–she was building her own home. It just happened to be with your father.

    I’d say that your father’s esteem was really the issue. And why do I say that? He required attention from multiple women to feel like a man. And as bold as she seemed –she was not his only transgression – and he was pumping her head up behind closed doors.

    I understand it’s easier to blame the outsider–but you have 2 parents you should have penned this to.

    • SunshineBlossom

      I think that in this case though, the homewrecker was actively trying to bring hurt to their family. The wife left-so she made her grown up decision on that part. But as a child, you always hold responsibility on the other party if they are literally trying to destroy your life. Yes it would be easy to say blame the man but it’s not clear cut anymore. Side chicks are bolder and are willing to do whatever. And as a child you are gonna have your mother’s back period. I honestly feel that the side chick deserved her behind beat. And if the husband left, then there isn’t much left to say. Sometimes people grow apart when they have kids.

      • realadulttalk

        You may be right–I read much of this in the eyes of a child though. She only knows parts of the story–she doesn’t know the full story. Unless the woman was just really loony–she was being coerced by the actions of the man. The fact that he had a child with this woman speaks volumes to me–the woman wasn’t crazy. Of course she’s gonna have her mom’s back–but that doesn’t make her mom right. Nor does it make her mom free of blame. The writer only knows this story as hidden from a child–and IMO it’s clear that she still sees this through those child-like eyes. As an outsider–I’d have a lotta questions about mom. What was mom doing –I doubt she had no interactions with this woman. As I said in my comment–I don’t think this woman was the first transgression–she was just the one that made the impact.

        • LMJ82

          @realadulttalk:disqus Agreed, Agreed, and Agreed! This “crazy, desperate” woman could not have made her way into this family w/o an invitation from good ‘ol pops. It is extremely naive to blame the “other woman” and label her a “homewrecker”. That is so childish. Adults know that you can not break what’s already broken. Shoot, sometimes the girlfriend/wife/live-in is the other woman and she doesn’t even know it! The man, in my opinion, deserves all the blame! Yes, you have bold chicks who are desperate and don’t care if a man is w/ a woman & has a family but you also have men who lie, lie and lie to get what they want at any cost.They sell a dream to multiple women and then when the -ish hits the fan, they sit back & watch the women duke it out b/c they know that at least one of them will be there waiting…Smh.

          I thank God my mom never ever let me see her fight and go through nonsense behind any man, my dad or not. She told me my dad cheated, acted crazy, and yes, at one point, she fought over him, but she always let me know that her behavior was a huge mistake and that No man was worth putting yourself through that b/c a man will do what he wants to do – whether you stay w him or not. Lol, like Keyshia Cole said – It ain’t where’s he’s at, it’s where he want to be. Lol…now runteldat!

          • Mia

            Da mn you just wrote the entire script of the “no good man saga” Bravo!

      • Babydoll 70

        So the other woman deserves to be beat and her husband who took vows with her doesn’t. Hmmm. If her husband would have never been party to the affair there would have been no affair. So he should definitely have some blame.

    • RelationshipDNA

      Amen! Couldn’t have said it any better. It takes two to tango and the writer seems to be placing all blame on the crazy home wrecking lady. In wise enough to know the lengths cheating men are willing to go to keep a mistress and the fact that he got her pregnant says more about his character than it says about hers. Aggregious mistakes were made on all sides, dad, mistress and yes, even mom.

    • http://www.facebook.com/dionne.queen Dionne Queen

      So true. It takes two to tangle!

    • guest

      Agreed. She is placing too much blame on the other woman and not her own father. He is the one who brought this woman into their lives in the first place.

    • anonymouse

      why,why, why can’t we stay on topic?? she’s talking about this woman who has caused all of this dram in her life, not her father.

      • realadulttalk

        Because the woman didn’t cause the drama in the her life–her father did. Would that woman have been in her life if not for her father? He is the tie that binds. Perhaps not your desired comment–but very much on topic..

        • anonymouse

          It’s a bit of a deflection, IMO.
          so, the woman bears no responsibility at all because the father cheated with her?? doesn’t matter at all that this woman stalked and harassed the wife even after the divorce?? Well, i suppose if she’s the type to knowingly date and have children by married men that she would be a bit unstable.

          • realadulttalk

            Are you the writer? You don’t seem to have a firm grasp on the fact that 3 people were involved. You can blame the outside woman until the cows come home, but she only existed b/c of the father. And as I said, this was a story hidden from a child–the writer only knows bits and pieces. And I sincerely doubt that mom and this woman did not interact–a child sees their mother as the pinnacle of perfection (which is wonderful–I have a child and I love that she sees me in that way) but it’s not real. It doesn’t matter what “type” of woman that woman was–she could and would have been anybody b/c dad has some fidelity issues. As I also said–I don’t believe she was the first–but she was the one who impacted the life of the family. I believe all the adults involved are culpable to a certain extent. Only the child was the innocent–it’s unfortunate that she (you ?) had to go through this, but it’s not one persons fault.

            • anonymouse

              first of all, accusing me of being the author is unnecessary,ok?? The author could’ve written a piece about what a lying cheating dog her father is/was and 98% of the comments would cosign that. What she wrote about was the effect that this woman had on her life and, again, 98% of the comments are about what a lying cheating dog the father is and not also acknowledging what this woman did was also extreme.
              Just because a man decided to disregard his vows, does not justify the other woman harassing his wife or the rest of her family. The wife doesn’t have to be perfect and it is not required that the author have a play by play of the whole sad situation to come to her conclusions. Nothing justifies being harassed and stalked by someone. And I am well aware that the father is the one that brought this woman into their lives, but again…..the story is not about him, it’s about this psycho chick. Again, let’s stay on topic.

            • guest

              Preach!!!!

            • guest

              Preach!!!!

    • hiswomanandlovingit

      if there is no enemy within the enemy outside can do us no harm ~~african proverb

  • mo

    While I certainly think women should have respect enough for themselves to stay away from men who are taken, the issue here really isnt the other woman, it is your father. HE is the one who brought this “crazy” woman into his family’s life. He is the one who kept up a relationship with her even after she disrespected his legal wife to such a great degree. HE is the one who impregnated her and therefore tied her to you all in some way, forever. I know it seems easy to say in this situation that if this “outside threat” had never come along that your family would still be intact and happy. Who is to say though, it’s very likely that your fatehr would have cheated with someone else anyway.

    So your mother would still have left, because she seems to know the one thing you yourself stated in this article : If you love and respect yourself enough, you’ll know that you shouldn’t have to fight to have a man. Even if you married him!

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      AMEN! Its hard to call his dog azz out on his ish when he’s YOUR daddy. You spoke nothing but the truth.

  • bluekissess

    I didn’t know narsty was a word? Lol

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1438551270 Jessica Lucinda Williams

      lol!!

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