Me, Myself, And I? No Thanks: Why Are Some Women So Much Happier In A Relationship?

January 11, 2013  |  


Relationships are designed for two people to get to know each other, to add value to each other’s lives, to fulfill a distinct purpose, and to bring an equal amount of happiness to each other. Many times, when women are in a relationship, they have the tendency to act and do things differently. For instance, when a woman is in a fresh relationship, she tends to clean her home more (some women, not all), she buys more lingerie, she makes home cooked meals or at least tries to, so on and so on. Not only does a woman’s habits change, but her attitude changes. She seems happier and friendlier, and there is a certain glow about her that wasn’t there before her newfound relationship. Why is that? Why is it that so many women are the best person they are, or only their happiest, when they are in a relationship? Why is it that some women can only be happy when they have a man in their lives?

There are many opinions and answers to these questions, but the one reason many women are only happy when they are in a relationship is because they are not happy with who they are and they believe they can only be happy and complete when they are with a man. And the reason many women are not happy with who they are is because they don’t know who they are as an individual, and they have not found their purpose. Another reason women are only happy when they are in a relationship is because they are looking at other relationships from face value; meaning they are looking at the happy pictures and the happy couples who are out enjoying each other, and not looking into the relationship and the work that goes into it. What many women often fail to realize is that a happy man as an individual wants to be with a woman who is happy before he comes into her life so she can add a unique sense of happiness to his own life. There are a number of women who believe they can only experience a true sense of happiness when they are in a relationship and this is just not true.

Why isn’t this true? Because happiness and joy come from within and that happiness and joy is discovered when it is searched for and fulfilled by an individual who is seeking it within who they are and were created to be. Now don’t get me wrong, relationships are great, and they do and should bring about a new sense of happiness for both people; but the truth of the matter is that a relationship is not the end all, be all of happiness. They take work from two whole and happy individuals who know their worth and know what makes them happy before they commit to each other. If one person in a relationship depends solely on the other person for happiness, then that can add pressure to the other person in the relationship and in turn can make them unhappy. I’ve witnessed a number of women who were happy being who they were, only to change into a different woman when they were in a relationship to make the men they were with happy so they would stay with them.

This was absolutely unbelievable because I always thought that these women were strong-willed and happy with who they were and being single…that is until a man came around. I couldn’t understand why they changed several things about them for the sake of saving a relationship that may or may not end in marriage. And then I figured it out. They changed to please the men they were with because they feared being alone, and rather than standing firm on who they were and loving themselves, they changed in an instant. Unfortunately, many unmarried women live with the fear of being alone for the remainder of their lives. They fear they will never experience true love, or have children, or get married; but what I wish a lot of unmarried women would realize is that there is nothing wrong with being single!

Being single has its advantages and disadvantages, just the same as being married or being involved in a committed relationship does. Both aspects have their ups and downs, but at least when you’re single you can be who you are and spend more time learning who you are before you jump into a relationship and turn into someone else, to please someone else. As I stated previously, relationships are great, and they do and should bring new happiness into one’s life…but at what cost?

How many of you have ever compromised yourself for a relationship? Do you find your happiness in a man and a man only? Are you happiest when you’re in or out of a relationship?

Liz Lampkin is the author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

Trending on MadameNoire

View Comments
Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
  • Pingback: Women and Relationships Days 10-11 Happiness « Gwen Owens-CEO of Relationships Start With You()

  • Kaori

    One reason may be that our society teaches women from when they were little girls that their life is not complete unless a man is in it.

  • UmmYeahOK

    I can personally attest to using relationships to fill a void. I have been in relationships since I was 15, until recently. I made a very conscious decision to stop dating because at 32, I finally realized that I’ve always made my happiness and future plans about whether or not I was in a relationship. I decided that I would make 2013 a year of self discovery and self love. You truly can’t love someone else until you love yourself. My failed relationships are proof. Cheers to finding who you are meant to be!

  • Mimi B

    I agree with this article 100%… You have to get to know who you are first before entering into any relationship. I used to find myself trying to conform and make the man happy, not knowing what made me happy in life… that’s when people lose themselves in a another individual, and i animosity develops when the other person does not reciprocate.
    It’s perfectly okay to date, but I’m not for settling down until you know who you are, and what you want a life & a prospective mate.

  • KIR12

    We (the black community) have got to stop embracing things that just don’t work for us. Today 7 out of 10 black women have never been married by their early 40’s. Those are child bearing years. It’s just shocking when you consider black women had the highest rate if marriage of any race of women in many decades Pre 1950’s. Does anyone believe the majority black women of today are happier with their home/family life?

    Most of this article is just watered down PC black feminist version of “I don’t need a man” and “Wait until your 30’s to get married”, extreme left liberal ideology of the devaluing the importance of marriage and men in the home. Which later in life becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. When has anyone ever accomplished something they say they don’t need? You see women do need a man and unfortunately by the time they figure it out it’s often too late for a variety of reasons kids, options available, age, appearance, baggage, set in their ways, ect. Blacks folks have been SUCCESSFULLY getting married young, growing and maturing together since the beginning of time.Now, all of a sudden it’s bad? lol

  • loving my life

    love my freedom. I think couples should be given a evaluation renewal
    just like a driver license. The only reason i see a man fit in my life
    is for “benefits”, play with as my fun toy and hangout as my buddy. If
    it last for years thats great. If we cant put up with each other or get
    bored thats equally better. Just cancel your love contract and move on.
    But only secure women can do that. Besides all that extra work &
    sacrifice is draining and pointless.

  • this is so…unrealistic to think things are going to be EXACTLY the same from single to into a relationship.

    you said it yourself.- you’ve seen people who were happy single who acted differently when they found themselves in a happy relationship.

    this is the best analogy i could think of on the spot (so excuse me lol) but it’s like wearing a skirt one day and pants the other expecting to look exactly the same– you look good in either one of them but SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY it bothers you because it doesn’t look the same lol — it doesnt make sense.

    as long the status of the relationship doesn’t determine the person’s happiness then why does it matter if the person changed?. are you the same person between your friends and your parents? we all react differently in different situations so this really doesn’t make sense.

    it’s people like that who come off selfish in a relationship — when you enter a relationship and expect a long lasting one it’s not only about you anymore – it’s about BOTH, it’s a compromise it’s a balance …so it’s not necessarily a change but an ADJUSTMENT,

  • hollyw

    Um, relationships aren’t a ‘women’s issue’, it’s a human’s issue. Both men and women are happier in relationships, statistically speaking. The ranking goes: relationships > single > divorced, with divorced men having the highest health risks, including depression. Now, IN a relationship, women usually fare worse, and it’s been hypothesized that this is b/c of the caregiver role the take on. In other words, a more balanced relationship leads to healthier and happier women.

    I’ve been happy both in and out of relationships. I’ve also been worse in both. The key, as you said, is to knowing thyself. Also, I think that the single- versus coupled-life exudes two diff kinds of happiness; it depends on what kind you want in that point in your life.

    • Coco black

      I was about to type a response then read Hollyw’s reply!! 100% agree….