There Is No Such Thing As A Nice Guy

76 comments
December 26, 2012 ‐ By Charing Ball
black man holding a book.pf

Source: Shutterstock.com

If I’ve said it once, I’d said it a dozen times: there is no such thing as a nice guy.

Proof of this comes courtesy of a new Tumblr site called Nice Guys of OkCupid, which features photos and online dating profiles of men, who claim to be “nice” and “good” guys, but prove themselves to be anything but nice to the women they are trying to date. One particular example of a self-proclaimed “nice” guy you will find on the dating site comes courtesy of a profile from a shirtless dude, posing in his bathroom mirror who writes,

“I used to be a nice guy for a long time. Then I realize the saying that nice guys finish last is true. If you think I’m wrong then ask yourself when was the last time you gave a nice guy a real chance? I was raised to be a good boy and treat women with respect…most women these days are Beyotches, slores or just a combo of the two which is pathetic.  

It is hard to imagine why this obvious nice catch is still on the market. I’m being factitious of course. But this Tumblr site, which features dozens of similar profiles from these self-professed “nice” guys, masterfully highlights what some are calling the “Nice Guy Syndrome,” a personality disorder, usually reserved for the bitter, socially awkward and narcissistic men, who rationalize any rejection they receive from the opposite sex as being the fault of women. Although not recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-IV for short, cases of Nice Guy Syndrome can be found in just about all facets of society from the guy that got mad at you and called you a Beyotch because you didn’t want to give him your number, to the comment section of any website, where you will find “men” who like to leave degrading and disrespectful comments on women-focused sites. You can even find defenders of the Nice Guy Syndrome played out in both film and television, where a lovelorn yet “nice” male character is regretfully placed in the friend zone by some ungrateful Beyotch, who is only interested in dating the more alpha male character(s). Usually at the end of these films, the nice guy wins – either by claiming the heart of said misguided woman or punishing her for her stupidity through some sort of humiliation.

I too have personal experience with these quintessential “nice” guys. One such nice guy I dated told me that his singledom was the “fault” of all the black women in Philadelphia, who had bad attitudes and hardened exteriors. “You speak to some of these women and they roll their eyes and suck their teeth. These women don’t want to be treated with respect. They want to be mistreated and abused by thugs and dudes with cornrows,” he said. The cornrow thing felt kind of awkward and personal to me, like he was speaking of someone directly. But I took his truth as legitimate. I mean, dating is pretty rough in this city. But after a few more dates, I started noticing how condescending he could be in conversations, particularly talking to me like a man would talk to a small child. For some other woman, who may be looking for a father figure in their lives, it might have been a perfect match but for a person like me, who values my independence and ability to make decisions using my own mind, his personality and my personality felt at odds.

So one day over coffee, I told him very nicely that I thought we would probably be better suited as friends.  At first he seemed okay with our newly defined relationship status, but then he discovered I was dating someone else.  Then the crazy telephone calls and text messages started.  About a week or two later, I just so happened to run into him at a local coffee shop. He approached me and began demanding to know why I rejected him and began seeing this other guy.  When I didn’t give him the answer that satisfied him – basically one where I admitted that I was a dumb Beyotch (his words) – he followed me out the café and down the street to my car, all the while hurling expletives and very demeaning insults at me. I was more embarrassed than hurt, especially considering that his tantrum began to draw the attention of curious passersby, who stopped and gawked at the scene he was causing. That day, I made myself a promise to never date a self-proclaimed “nice” guy again.

For many of these “nice” guys, there is an air of entitlement, which leads them to believe that they are permitted to affections and attention of the opposite sex. And when that doesn’t happen, it is easy to blame the women than it is to deal with the fact that they are the reason.  Or probably more truthful, there is no reason. Sometimes, people just don’t gel and it has nothing to do with anything particularly about an individual person.

In fact, the true nicest guys are more self actualized to know that “nice” is simply a relative term. All of us have not-so-nice ways about us and have done some stuff in past relationships that we are not proud of. And just because a guy may hold a door open for you or says please or thank you or hasn’t hit you over the head with a club and dragged you back to his cave, doesn’t mean he should be rewarded with you either. Generally speaking, people are supposed to treat people decently – whether you want to date them or not.

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  • Anuj

    no relationship or friendship is without any expectation- be it as pure as parents-children. so nothing wrong in having expectations

  • applesauce585

    Nice guys exists….their actions will show their “nice” or not so nice as you get to know the person…the same can be said about women too.

  • Vandellish

    It’s funny because I enjoyed the article and disagreed with it at the same time. Still the author seemed to be a little tongue-in-cheek with the title. Of course there are nice men out here. We’re often the same ones that slow women consider to be soft or even phony. Oh well, life’s too short to need everyone to understand you.
    So many words in the English language have different meanings for everyone. For instance, many women don’t consider me a ‘nice’ guy because I don’t go to Church, often have a fair amount of ladies to date, smoke marijuana and have been known to attend a wild party or two. Doesn’t matter. Ladies shouldn’t necessarily want a ‘nice’ man IMO. I think ladies should
    instead look for a ‘REAL’ man. A man who’s not afraid to tell her that he’s low on funds this month and would rather chill for the weekend than go on the ski trip or the cruise. The kind of man who’ll pass on preparing dinner tonight for the sake of ‘being nice’ because he’s got a cold and doesn’t want to get everyone sick.
    Look for the real man ladies because as someone else in these comments said, ‘nice’ is a relative term. Most people can be nice in certain situations and not so nice in other ones (sometimes all in one afternoon).
    WARNING: Ladies please stop condemning guys for being nice so that they can accommodate you. If you were dating coaches or marriage counselors’ one of the first things you would advise men to do is to smile more and become more friendly and outgoing. Not just to attract women (although it does work), but also because it puts you in great spirits and lightens stress. I’m not saying that there are no manipulative people out here but judge slowly and give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes.

  • IllyPhilly

    What the hell is a nice guy or nice women for that matter? Nice, imo, has turned into a word that is synonymous with arrogant.

  • Ladybug94

    I don’t know what to say about this but there are some nice guys out there. Hope you eventually come across at least one Charing.

  • pickneychile

    Well I must say they do exist because my husband is a genuinely nice guy. But I have had a similar experience with a scorned and jaded “nice guy” who treated me like a child and had double standards out the wazoo. Thankfully I caught on early and cut him off, but he became really aggressive and angry in his texts. But girl your story sounds a mess. Smh that must have been embarassing and scary when he was following you.

  • heyheynow

    This article is so on point it’s a slew of guys out here who seem to think that they are the ideal candidate for any woman to date they feel entitled and when the woman who is probably way out of their league turns them down all of sudden women don’t appreciate nice guys. lol I love this article!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anthony-Muthapukkin-Tinney/100001244269956 Anthony Muthapukkin Tinney

    Blk men are the property of blk women.Or so it seems.The blk man OWES you servitude for having a vagina,and in return,blk women owe nothing.Yeah,that sounds about right.(bullshyt.)

  • http://twitter.com/Neuronerd17 Drogen

    I truly do not understand these arguments. If he says he is a nice guy and ends up not being one then he was never a nice guy to begin with. If he says he used to be a nice guy and then changed then he was never a nice guy. Someone who is truly a nice and was raised in such a way cannot just switch up cause things aren’t going their way. Things don’t go my way I can’t just suddenly say alright I’m gonna be an a**hole. It’s against my nature. To contradict myself I have always thought that anyone who calls themselves something like a nice person, there is a 50/50 chance they actually aren’t. It’s like someone calling themselves intelligent, it deserves a deep breath and an eye roll. Self appointed titles are rarely if ever deserved. Their descriptions given by other people. Long story short stop saying there are no nice guys/girls because you dealt with someone who said they were and turned out they weren’t. Seems like a personal problem that you believed the first thing out their mouth without getting to know them or paying attention to their actions and dismissing a whole group or anyone for that matter because of it is so illogical it…ugh my brain.

    P.S. just personally you reject me the disappointment is not gonna cause me to call you out a name or make assumptions about you because I’M not an a**hole

    • http://twitter.com/Neuronerd17 Drogen

      Oh god I cannot edit any of the grammar mistakes I made. I am ashamed

  • Senait Ashenafi

    This guy once told he was nice and not like other dogs. He turned out to be married.

  • MImi

    Nice guys don’t have to say that they are nice. You will just see it. And it may take some time to realize if it is genuine or if it is a front. Before I married my husband, I remember asking myself, is this guy for real. It took me about a year or two make sure he was really a nice guy. We’ve been together 10 years now and married 6 years. So take it from me there are really nice guys out there. You just have to find them.

  • Senait Ashenafi

    Good guys are usually locked down with some low down Jezebel. They never actually end up with good women.

  • C’mon son

    There are a**holes, “nice guy acts” and good guys. Avoid the a**holes, don’t fall for the nice guy act, and don’t harden your heart to the prospect of an actual, decent guy.

  • Kaori

    The problem is that men think they are entitled to a woman if they are ‘nice’ to her. Just look at how men act if a woman doesn’t thank him for giving her his unsolicited opinion about her attractiveness or doesn’t thank him for holding the door for her.

    • mac

      “The problem is that men think they are entitled to a woman if they are ‘nice’ to her”

      BINGO

      • Vandellish

        SOME men. Not every guy that’s made a nice gesture to you has wanted something from you. If that is actually your truth then you must be drop dead gorgeous AND still look approachable. If that is the case then it’s a quality problem.

  • Sagittarius81

    I’m engaged to a smart, decent, man with goals in life, but he’s no pushover. I never took guys’ kindness for weakness and vice versa. There are guys who act too nice just to get what he wants and when he got it, he wants nothing to do with you, just ask some of my friends.

  • Aloue

    Sometimes you gotta take a good honest look at yourself. If you get the same end result multiple times, it can’t be everyone else. The common denominator is you

    Very true, and good advice for these men AS WELL AS any woman who complains about not being able to find a good man

    • JaneDoe

      I disagree.. I get the same sap stories from men who want my sympathy to fullfill their wants so that you are the common denominator bull doesn’t always apply. Men/women always find a way to TRY and they always do

      • mac

        Here’s an odd analogy but bear with me.

        If you bake cookies and they burn, it might be the oven. If you use another oven and they still burn, it might be the oven. If you use multiple other ovens and they still burn, can it be all the ovens are defective?

        And that’s not to equate something as complex as love with something as simple as baking but hopefully you get the point. If you get the same end result in every relationship it’s time to accept some responsibility

        • heyheynow

          that is a long analogy lol

    • mac

      Agreed. In general, if you’re not attracting the type you want, some self evaluation is in order

  • http://www.facebook.com/jason.f.vorhees Jason Fangz Vorhees

    I’m an a**hole and have never had a problem dating! Whats even funnier is that i will tell a woman upfront that im a**hole’ish, aggressive and can be mean spirited and they will still want to get to know me. That i’ll never understand.

    • Trisha_B

      B/c some women feel like they can change a man. A mans attitude sometime is so obvious & up front, but a woman will get w/ him b/c she’s sprung & he look good, then get w/ him w/ the hopes of changing him to her liking. Then when she can’t change him, she goes on a “men ain’t sh it” rant & say things like “there are no nice guys” -___- There are nice men out there. Stop dating guys that were like your last. I understand everybody got a type, but if bf #1 & #2 were your type don’t make the same man w/ a different name bf #3. Change it up, go outside of your comfort zone & you may meet a fabulous guy. There are some women that aren’t nice

    • Monica

      Because garbage attracts garbage! No self-respecting person with a healthy self-esteem would [continue] to pursue someone who admits to being scum! Like it or not, people attract (or pursue) who they are.

      • Senait Ashenafi

        Opposites are what attract the most in this world. Like doesn’t really attract as much. Kind hearted people whether male or female will always attract deceivers more.

      • Ms_Mara

        lmao

  • Aicha

    This is how I see it: there are plenty of decent and nice people out there on both of the sexes. Sometimes you might meet someone who is really nice but with whom it just doesn’t click or you don’t share the same interest with or anything of the sort. Now just because the person is nice doesn’t mean they’re perfect. You have nice people that don’t know how to deal with rejection and act out or decide to just ignore you whereever they see you or whatever the case may be. There are many sides to a person and them being “nice” doesn’t excuse them from foolishness every now and again. The thing is that as an individual, you need to know what you’re looking for. If you want a thug then go for it and make it work. If you want a regular dude/girl then go for it and make it work. And if it doesn’t click with this perticular person whether it’s hem or it’s you(one hand doesn’t wash itself), move on to the next. However excusing unacceptable behaviour towards anyone on the pretext that “nice [insert sexe] finish last so I won’t be so nice anymore” is not only bs, it’s weak. Be who you’re looking for and if you don’t like what you’re getting be real enough to evaluate and redirect yourself.

  • Meyaka

    My hubby is a nice guy,but you won’t disrespect me or abuse his kindness.

    • Stanley Dada

      But he finished last in you life. There were many bad guys before him.

  • Whaa??

    The other side of that coin: There is no such thing as a good woman either! It’s great that they got a JD and a PhD, but for many of these “good” women, there is an air of entitlement, which
    leads them to believe that they are permitted to affections and
    attention of the opposite sex. And when that doesn’t happen, it is easy
    to blame the men than it is to deal with the fact that they are the
    reason. Or probably more truthful, there is no reason. Sometimes,
    people just don’t gel and it has nothing to do with anything
    particularly about an individual person.
    Like that. See?

    • Nope

      Exactly! It’s really ironic to hear this women talk about the sense of ‘entitlement’ they get from some men. Sometimes the man has fatal flaws, sometimes it’s the woman (that’s right ladies, you’re not always the victim of every damn thing), and sometimes it’s just timing, or a lack of chemistry and no one is at fault. But let the average woman tell it, when she doesn’t get what she wants, someone else is 100% to blame for it.

    • Senait Ashenafi

      There are good people out here. But you know what. People with truly good hearts get crapped on in this world. We just live in a sinful world where life isn’t fair and good people get hurt by bad people.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JAI4SRENU2A5WKRTELXXYJPDSI Kayla

    There are truly nice guys out there, you just have to look. Then there are the “nice” guys who put on that front to get women. But trust me, truly nice guys still exist.

    • ieshapatterson

      True.

    • Drew Smith

      A guy being nice to a woman is no different than a woman putting on her face, heels, and pushup bra for dude(s). He might not be THAT nice, but then again, she might not be THAT hot. All’s fair, if you ask me.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JAI4SRENU2A5WKRTELXXYJPDSI Kayla

        I agree. But people are genuinely nice people. Regardless if he is doing it for the sole purpose of getting in the woman’s pants. I mean it’s not unheard of to be a nice person anymore is it? and Sometimes the cockiness of some women would translate this to mean he likes her or wants to sleep with her. Sometimes a man can’t strike up a random convo or give up his seat for her to think he wants her. Opposite applies to, you can’t laugh at his jokes or have a nice conversation without these men thinking you want the d!ck.

      • Kaori

        Help me to understand how a man being ‘nice’ is similar to a woman dressing up and wearing make-up.

        • Drew Smith

          If we assume we’re talking about two things that aren’t exactly what they seem (i.e., a moderately nice dude putting on for the sake of seeming nicer, and an okay looking chick employing beauty enhancing devices to make her seem more attractive), then it’s pretty easy. The dude certainly has a reason to behave in a nicer manner to increase his chances of accomplishing his goal, and the woman certainly has a reason to enhance her physical attributes to accomplish her goal. Different gig; similar motive (i.e., getting what you want). Everyone’s trying to present an enhanced version of their person. If that’s not the case, then the dude would just be the dude he is, and the chick wouldn’t bother with the extras. I hope that helps you understand…

          • heyheynow

            one is a personality enhancement the other is a physical enhancement and make up is as simple as putting on lip gloss so what are you saying? you must be one of those entitled nice guys it’s ok

            • Drew Smith

              I’m saying what I said, ma’am. Geez. Just say you can’t grasp the concept, and let’s go about our separate ways. I wouldn’t say I’m an entitled nice guy, but I always get what I want from a woman.

            • Stanley Dada

              Men and women do that with the intention of increasing their dating prospect.

          • Vandellish

            Excellent!

          • psylocke_2001

            You’re comparing apples to oranges. A fake personality vs. fashion choices does not equal the same thing.

            • Drew Smith

              Unfortunately, you’re not equipped to engage in this conversation; we’re talking about concept — not apples and oranges. You have to be able to go deeper, ma’am. I’m willing to bet you thought the movie “Inception” sucked, because it didn’t make any sense…

              • neverGreen23

                Drew, your unwarranted arrogance doesn’t change the fact that changing your appearance and changing your root personality are two entirely different things. Men also alter their natural appearances, whether through haircuts and hair styling, facial hair, lifting weights and taking protein powder – hormones – even steroids, plucking stray eyebrow hairs, teeth whitening, piercing their ears, tattoos, etc.- they just don’t wear makeup because it’s not considered accepable in a partiarchal society such as ours for men to do that. But I wouldn’t expect a person who considers the Hollywood movie Inception to be a reliable barometer of intellect to understand that.

                • Drew

                  You’re confusing unwarranted arrogance with sheer intelligence; there’s nothing I can do to help you there.

                  BTW, it’s not very nice of you to make fun of that woman by having her pic up as your gravatar. You certainly wouldn’t want someone to troll through the internet with your pic as a gravatar trying to make other people laugh. SMH

      • Stanley Dada

        Both are doing so to increase their attractiveness.
        Stop being defensive! I think this was settled long time ago.

        • Drew Smith

          Stop using exclamation points for nothing. You mean to tell me that on a blog — where people come to read and share their opinions — I’m being defensive when I write a detailed message with no exclamation points or curse words??? Well, alright then.

          • Vandellish

            You have to remember that we’re on a female intended website bro. Some of the women here actually want to hear from us and some of the others…let’s just say that resentment abounds.

            • Stanley Dada

              @abf2a4ccc316fcb40cbfc55c5cf9ee1d:disqus I understand this.

            • Drew Smith

              I dig the truthiness of your message. It’s all too easy to tell the chicks who have it together and can appreciate the insight that comes from dudes weighing in on different subjects, and those who lack the ability to look beyond their knee-jerk interpretation of a message to search for its actual intention. Unfortunately, whether it’s your personal affairs (if you will), or business, the aforementioned skill set is one that separates the haves from the have nots. <— FACT.

              • Lol

                Lol, projection at it’s finest. Oh you Nice Guys. If you’ve met one, you’ve met them all.

                • Werdsmith

                  *”Its” — not “it’s.” SMH

              • Lol

                Drew’s definition of women who have it together = anyone who agrees with him, and appreciates his ‘insights’ (flying a bit fast and lose with labeling your confused ramblings and little attempts at manipulation as ‘insights’, but no matter!)

                • Werdsmith

                  You can’t be taken seriously if you aren’t able to construct a decent message. It’s “loose,” not “lose,” loser.

  • Stanley Dada

    There’s one problem that seem to appear every time the subject of nice guy vs jerk is being talked about.
    Women want to be the ones to make the call of what is a nice guy and what is a jerk. If a man follows their (women)’s rules and calls himself nice, he’s automatically not nice for doing so. But he said man does the same and calls himself a jerk, he’s believable.

    If any of you have a lot of female friends like men, you sure know this. Women have many bad things to say about their ex’s (the Jerks) they also have many good things to say about their current partner (the Nice Guy). My question is this: HOW IS IT THAT NICE GUYS DON’T FINISH LAST WHEN THE ONE WHO PUT A RING ON IT IS THE ONLY NICE GUYS YOU’VE EVER DATED. Is it that you don’t wanna take the responsibility to finding those guys that would gladly put a ring it in your early years? What it is exactly?

    I’m very wary of a woman who claims she’s a good girl, so should you about a man who claims he’s a good guy. But your (the writer) attempts at making the NOT nice guys normal will not in any form elevate women.

    Remember, most women have only bad things to say about their ex’s, and good things to say about their current. If your current is your LAST, and you have all those NICE things to say about him. isn’t it fair to SAY nice guys indeed finish last, since your current guy is the last guy you’ve dated?

    • Nope

      “If your current is your LAST, and you have all those NICE things to say about him. isn’t it fair to SAY nice guys indeed finish last, since your current guy is the last guy you’ve dated?”

      A great point that will probably go over a lot of people’s heads. You should WANT your man or woman to finish last (be the last).

    • Eyeroll

      Yeah, it’s really messed up that women get to form their own opinions on your character, amirite? ;-)

  • Sassy-22

    While I agree that some men will say anything to get what they want, I have to say that both men and women are both at fault. Come on people we have all known a friend who did some one dirty who didn’t deserve it. We have all had some one who played with our emotions. Many of us even played with someone else’s emotion. To say that there is no such thing as nice guys or a good black women is false. We just have to find ours. There are good men out here, I have to believe it or why am I even wasting my time reading this for.

  • Big Mike

    This site sucks @ss.

    I cant believe people actually listen to stuff like this.

    • mac

      yet here you are. Instead of any other side on the world wide web.

      • Big Mike

        I avoided this site 4 about 4 months – I think I’ll continue to do so.

        Happy Holidays

  • myopinion

    because “nice girls” finish last. young guys aren’t looking to settle down or be in a serious relationship in their early 20’s. They’re looking for the girl who’s dtf and have a good time with and with no commitment. The good girls just have to enjoy the single life until these guys get their acts together and get tired of the one night stands and cut buddies

    • Nope

      The ‘nice girls’ have their fun too in their early 20’s, but a woman’s shelf life is much shorter than a man’s which is more motivation for women to settle down than men.

    • Senait Ashenafi

      And by that time they are riddled with diseases and baby mamas.

  • myopinion

    because “nice girls” finish last. young guys aren’t looking to settle down or be in a serious relationship in their early 20’s. They’re looking for the girl who’s dtf and have a good time with and with no commitment. The good girls just have to enjoy the single life until these guys get their acts together and get tired of the one night stands and cut buddies

  • Nope

    The question I have for a lot of women is why aren’t you getting or keeping the type of men that you want? Someone is getting them, just not you.

  • JaneDoe

    Let me second that… There is no such thing as a nice guy. I was once naive but I have learned that the nice guy act is a front and in the end they all have expectations. It makes it very hard to even be nice to most guys because they always take it a few step further than what it is..

    • Cuba

      You mean they have “expectations” like every single other human being on the planet, including all women?? How horrible! Why don’t they get that they exist just to meet your needs and wants?

      • Nope

        Or how dare men not treat women that are essentially strangers like girlfriends or better yet wives.

        • Drew Smith

          Spot on.

      • JaneDoe

        They can do a better job by dropping the nice guy act. I would respect them more if they put their expectations out on the table so we can both get the nonsense out the way on an agreeable terms or not. The moment they realize they are not getting what they want the flip the script.. Please tell me it isn’t so

        • Vandellish

          Not always the case. There are nice men and women all around us. Maybe not the kind that you consider to be dating material though but we’re here. And yes, I do consider myself to be a nice guy…and yes, I do think that I should get some credit for it though I’m a realist so I don’t seek it.

          • Growup

            You think you should get credit for being a nice guy? Lol, grow the hell up! Most people are nice, it isn’t the rare and precious trait guys like you think it is. The problem isn’t that other people need to appreciate how nice you are (as if basic decency is somehow going above and beyond, and women should grateful to you for it), the problem is you need to realize that there are plenty of good people out there (and yes, I know you give lip service to the idea that there are nice people all around us, but if you really believed it was a common trait, you wouldn’t think you should get ‘credit’ for it). You martyrs are far too focused on what you do for other people, while you take what other people do for you as your due. “But I did X for you! So what if you, and plenty of other people, do X for me all the time, you SHOULD do X for me! It’s what I’m entitled to! But I shouldn’t have to do X for other people, therefore when I do it, they should give me credit for going the extra mile, and reward me for it!”