There Is No Such Thing As A Nice Guy

December 26, 2012  |  

Source: Shutterstock.com

If I’ve said it once, I’d said it a dozen times: there is no such thing as a nice guy.

Proof of this comes courtesy of a new Tumblr site called Nice Guys of OkCupid, which features photos and online dating profiles of men, who claim to be “nice” and “good” guys, but prove themselves to be anything but nice to the women they are trying to date. One particular example of a self-proclaimed “nice” guy you will find on the dating site comes courtesy of a profile from a shirtless dude, posing in his bathroom mirror who writes,

“I used to be a nice guy for a long time. Then I realize the saying that nice guys finish last is true. If you think I’m wrong then ask yourself when was the last time you gave a nice guy a real chance? I was raised to be a good boy and treat women with respect…most women these days are Beyotches, slores or just a combo of the two which is pathetic.  

It is hard to imagine why this obvious nice catch is still on the market. I’m being factitious of course. But this Tumblr site, which features dozens of similar profiles from these self-professed “nice” guys, masterfully highlights what some are calling the “Nice Guy Syndrome,” a personality disorder, usually reserved for the bitter, socially awkward and narcissistic men, who rationalize any rejection they receive from the opposite sex as being the fault of women. Although not recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-IV for short, cases of Nice Guy Syndrome can be found in just about all facets of society from the guy that got mad at you and called you a Beyotch because you didn’t want to give him your number, to the comment section of any website, where you will find “men” who like to leave degrading and disrespectful comments on women-focused sites. You can even find defenders of the Nice Guy Syndrome played out in both film and television, where a lovelorn yet “nice” male character is regretfully placed in the friend zone by some ungrateful Beyotch, who is only interested in dating the more alpha male character(s). Usually at the end of these films, the nice guy wins – either by claiming the heart of said misguided woman or punishing her for her stupidity through some sort of humiliation.

I too have personal experience with these quintessential “nice” guys. One such nice guy I dated told me that his singledom was the “fault” of all the black women in Philadelphia, who had bad attitudes and hardened exteriors. “You speak to some of these women and they roll their eyes and suck their teeth. These women don’t want to be treated with respect. They want to be mistreated and abused by thugs and dudes with cornrows,” he said. The cornrow thing felt kind of awkward and personal to me, like he was speaking of someone directly. But I took his truth as legitimate. I mean, dating is pretty rough in this city. But after a few more dates, I started noticing how condescending he could be in conversations, particularly talking to me like a man would talk to a small child. For some other woman, who may be looking for a father figure in their lives, it might have been a perfect match but for a person like me, who values my independence and ability to make decisions using my own mind, his personality and my personality felt at odds.

So one day over coffee, I told him very nicely that I thought we would probably be better suited as friends.  At first he seemed okay with our newly defined relationship status, but then he discovered I was dating someone else.  Then the crazy telephone calls and text messages started.  About a week or two later, I just so happened to run into him at a local coffee shop. He approached me and began demanding to know why I rejected him and began seeing this other guy.  When I didn’t give him the answer that satisfied him – basically one where I admitted that I was a dumb Beyotch (his words) – he followed me out the café and down the street to my car, all the while hurling expletives and very demeaning insults at me. I was more embarrassed than hurt, especially considering that his tantrum began to draw the attention of curious passersby, who stopped and gawked at the scene he was causing. That day, I made myself a promise to never date a self-proclaimed “nice” guy again.

For many of these “nice” guys, there is an air of entitlement, which leads them to believe that they are permitted to affections and attention of the opposite sex. And when that doesn’t happen, it is easy to blame the women than it is to deal with the fact that they are the reason.  Or probably more truthful, there is no reason. Sometimes, people just don’t gel and it has nothing to do with anything particularly about an individual person.

In fact, the true nicest guys are more self actualized to know that “nice” is simply a relative term. All of us have not-so-nice ways about us and have done some stuff in past relationships that we are not proud of. And just because a guy may hold a door open for you or says please or thank you or hasn’t hit you over the head with a club and dragged you back to his cave, doesn’t mean he should be rewarded with you either. Generally speaking, people are supposed to treat people decently – whether you want to date them or not.

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