“It’s Complicated”: When Is Enough Really Enough In Relationships Going Nowhere?

January 3, 2013  |  

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Ever have someone ask you if you were in a relationship and your reply was, “It’s complicated”? I think most people have experienced at least one of these in their lives. It’s the kind of thing where you don’t really know where you stand as a couple; you’re not sure if you’re together, friends with benefits, bed buddies, or just plain ol’ friends. The two of you may take a day-long, week-long or even month-long break on a regular basis, only to reunite, and you often wonder to yourself, “What are we doing?” You’re on-again-off-again and undefined, and whatever it is you’re doing has you, him and everyone around you confused.

In a lot of these cases there is a strong bond between the two involved, so it’s hard to let go even if you both think it’s the best thing to do. A close friend of mine is in a situation like this. Her and her childhood sweetheart are together one week and not talking the next, but they’re “just friends.” They both date other people but continue to hang out, go shopping with one another, buy each other gifts and celebrate birthdays together. There’s no sex between them (or so they say, but honestly, I don’t believe them), no intimacy at all, yet they still discuss kids, marriage and their future together as a whole, but again, they’re “just friends.” Talk about complicated, I would say that they are the absolute definition of the word. It’s as if they want to have the other around, but don’t know if they really want to be in a relationship. Either way, it’s a mess.

The worse ones are the relationships where you consider yourself to be involved, but you go through so much drama and separations that you don’t even want to claim each other half the time. Like another one of my friends whose promiscuous boyfriend can’t decide if he wants to be with her and only her, so they break if off at least twice a week, and every time he switches up and changes his mind about what he wants. She knows his entire family, is close with all his friends and even hangs out with his sisters, but his nonsense has her feeling silly and she often finds herself telling people that they’re only “cool” when they’re actually madly in love with one another. However, he just can’t keep it in his pants, and she hates him for it.

But at some point, these kind of relationships get draining, right? You get tired of the confusion, the aggravation, anger, the pain. Sometimes you just have to say “enough is enough.” When? If you find yourself losing sleep, spending all day wondering if it’ll work, sad and deprived of joy, neglecting your friends because not only is your spirit is too low to go out and have fun, but because you’re leaving your schedule open in case he calls, do what your grandma would say and “let that be.” You have to do what’s best for you, and anything or anyone who’s not contributing to your happiness and well-being doesn’t deserve a spot in your life. And, let’s be real, it’s not always the guy’s fault. A lot of times, we’re the ones to blame. We sometimes give men the runaround, unsure of what we really want, if we want to be friends, married, single, or just have fun, and often times we just don’t know. So if you’re with a person who’s serious about you but your indecisiveness is taking a toll on their emotional health, do what’s right and tell them to move on as well. Even if they don’t want to, you know that you don’t have yourself together, so respect them enough to let them go. Either way, you don’t want to waste too much time playing the complicated game and blocking yourself from the person who is out there waiting for you.

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