Christmas Don’t Stop The Shade: Gifts We Would Get Our Favorite Celebs
Since tomorrow most of our favorite celebs will be getting gifts that we can barely pronounce, let alone never afford, we thought we’d take the time to express some of the more, shall we say, practical things we’d give them if we could. After all, life can’t always be about diamonds, cars, and Hermes bags. With these famous folks, we just want to take it back to the basics and give them what they need not what they want. Oh, and never mind the overt shade, it’s all in good Christmas fun. Here are the gifts we would get our favorite celebs, if only we could.
Tamar Braxton: A Muzzle
We love Tamar — truly we do — but that mouth of hers just gets her in so much trouble. It almost ended her singing career before it even got started, it set off all sorts of Twitter beefs with everyone from Jill Scott to K. Michelle, and now she’s got the Beyhive coming for her. We’re not saying we want Tamar to shut up completely, because lord knows we are waiting on her next single” Hot Sugar” like people in the projects anticipating the first of the month. We’d just use the muzzle to tame that mouth when she’s doing anything else with her vocals other than what she should be, which is singing.
Joseline Hernandez: Rosetta Stone
I’m thinking Mona Scott-Young may already have this in Joseline’s stocking so the folks over at VH1 don’t have to go so hard with the subtitles next season, but in case she doesn’t, we’d like to wrap this up nice and tight for Joseline. We can’t lie, her jacked up interpretation of the English language keeps us in tears, but baby girl is too old — and has been in this country too long — to sound like she’s just learning the language for the first time. Rosetta Stone it is.
Keyshia Cole: DNA Testing and a sit-down with Henry Louis Gates
Listen, Keyshia doesn’t have to prove anything to us, but that poor baby just sounds so lost when it comes to her racial identity that we want to help her find it. Claiming you’re biracial and then saying the next day you don’t really know if you are and don’t want to find out is just crazy talk. Dr. Gates will get to the bottom of it all, we just have to make sure he turns it around before the next “Black Girls Rock.” Wouldn’t want any problems.
Stevie J: A Vasectomy
Speaking of DNA, we don’t want any more of Stevie J’s populating the earth, so we will gladly halt his baby mama count at five and keep him from embarrassing the mess out of any more offspring on national television, let alone scarring them for life. He’s already proven he’s opposed to condoms so a more permanent measure will do.
Kenya Moore: A subscription to Black People Meet
It was a tossup between this and a glass of water for all that wedding ring thirstiness, but we want to be proactive about things so a subscription it is. We actually wouldn’t be opposed to extending Kenya memberships to Match, eHarmony, Zoosk, Christian Mingle, and any other online service out there too, we just need to get this child a man before she starts buying blowup dolls and having relationships with them.
Anne Hatheway: Drawls
Anne is far from the first celebrity to give the paparazzi a peep show while stepping out of a car and that’s exactly why we’re giving her a pair of panties. HOW MANY TIMES DO THESE CHICKS HAVE TO SEE A FELLOW CELEB GET PLAYED FOR LEAVING THE HOUSE BARE BOTTOM BEFORE THEY REALIZE PANTIES ARE NOT OPTIONAL ON THE RED CARPET?! Frankly, Anne is just too smart for this type of foolishness, whether accidental or on purpose.
Karrueche: A career
We don’t care what Karrueche does, we just want her to do something. Yeah, we know she just dropped a clothing line but so has every other industry sidepiece trying to make a name for herself. We really hate that Karreuche wasted two years with Breezy and has nothing to show for it, so unlike him, we’d be willing to finance her career, just as soon as she figures out a legitimate thing to pursue.
Chris Brown: Social media parental controls
Since nobody is saving Chris Brown from himself online, we’re going to do it for him. Yes, we are more than willing to install software on every single digital device he owns to prevent him from logging on to Twitter, Instagram, or any other social networking site that could lead to him engaging in digital foolery from here on out. Ignorance really will be bliss for him in this case and him and Rihanna can get back to pretending what they do is “Nobody’s business.”
We don’t care what kind, what they look like, where they’re from, or how much they cost, we just want to remember what she looks like clothed — fully clothed. The nakey pics were provocative at first but now it’s just like hey, Rihanna’s got her butt out again, hey Rih Rih’s topless, look ma, no drawls. We’re bored with it. Maybe that’s why that fashion show of hers didn’t do so well overseas, we’ve forgotten she actually knows how to dress.
Fantasia: A Stylist
And while we’re on the subject of clothes, Fanny baby, the time has come for someone to show you what works for your body. When Fantasia’s on, she’s on, but when she’s not… hot deep-fried mess doesn’t even begin to describe her appearance. All we want is consistency and for her outer to match her inner. Trust us, it’s all love.
Tiny: A Hairstylist
Pardon us, a new hairstylist. Tiny stays getting her hair done, it’s just the person responsible for the looks we see clearly doesn’t have her best interest at heart. We’re not trying to take away Tameka’s sassy cuteness, but just like you wouldn’t walk out the house wearing a black, yellow, and red patterned outfit from head to toe, we want her to realize those colors don’t mix well in one’s head either.
Donald Trump: A beatdown
We don’t normally condone violence here at Madame Noire but Donald Trump is just one of those people who needs a good old fashioned a** whooping to set him straight. Truthfully, we’d prefer to just ship him to the moon but he probably has enough money to return so we figure the real problem is he didn’t get enough spankings as a child. Allow us to catch him up on what he’s been missing and assure the words birth certificate and Barack Obama never leave his lips in the same sentence again.
Lauryn Hill: A sum in the amount of her unpaid taxes
This is probably the most heartfelt present on this list, but we gotta hold our girl L-Boogie down. We can’t imagine seeing her behind bars and she needs to take care of them babies because who knows what Rohan is doing right now. So we hope Uncle Sam would accept a donation on her behalf to eliminate her debt and allow her to keep the proceeds from this concert tour she’s on with Nas so all will be right in the Hill household. If any cash is left, we’ll slide some over to Nas because Uncle Samikens wants it with him too.
Nicki Minaj: A therapist
All we’re saying is Onika would probably be a lot easier to deal with, if Nicki Minaj, Roman Zolanksi, and er’body else weren’t competing for attention. The multiple personality thing is cool when it’s a Beyonce/Sasha Fierce type of situation but why are all of Nicki’s personalities crazy and way too turnt up — and why do they exist offstage as well?! It’s just too much.
Toni Braxton: An accountant
This is just a safety measure. We don’t want the third time to be the charm when it comes to Toni’s history of bankruptcy. Now that she’s starting to come back into some money, we just want to make sure some of that stays in her bank account in case she still has a penchant for Gucci, Gucci, Louis, Louis, Fendi, Fendi Prada tablewear.