Trying To Have Your (Wedding) Cake And Eat It Too: There Is No Such Thing As Getting Married Now And Throwing A Wedding Later

December 18th, 2012 - By Alissa Henry
"Black couple cutting wedding cake"

Source: Shutterstock

“So, after you’ve been married for a year, you’re going to have a wedding?”

When my friend suggested that she and her fiancé were going to exchange vows in her pastor’s office then have a “big wedding” the following year, I had to make sure I heard that correctly.

Apparently, she didn’t see anything ridiculous about the prospect of getting legally married now, then planning the ceremony where they would get fake married later.

Yes, “fake married”.

A wedding is a ceremony in which two people are united in marriage. If those two people unite in a courthouse, an office, a church, a backyard, Times Square, mid-air, Taco Bell, or the TJ Maxx where they met, then they just had their wedding. Whether they exchanged vows in front of a judge, and an Elvis impersonator or three thousand of their closest friends, that was their wedding. Anything after that is a vow renewal ceremony, a blessing, or an elaborate costume party.

I liken the idea that you can get married now and have a wedding later to the idea that you can turn 21 now but have a 21st birthday again next year. At that point, it’s not your 21st birthday it’s your 22nd. Why would anyone wish you a happy 21st birthday when you’re 22?

Apparently, this “get married now, wedding later” happens more than I think. I recently read about Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa’s decision to get married now before their baby comes, but have a “traditional wedding ceremony” later. What’s traditional about not actually getting married at your wedding? And considering they’re already living together and have a child on the way, is tradition really that important to them anyway?

Of course, there are all sorts of reasons why couples say they want to get married now and have a wedding later: finances, military deployment, undesirable seasons for a wedding, a family member on his or her deathbed, etc. Still, if a couple gets married now then they won’t be getting married at their “big wedding later” because, unless you get divorced, you can only get married once. A wedding is a joining together of two people. How can you join what is already joined? How can the father of the “bride” give her away if she is already someone’s wife? How can you commit your life to someone you’ve already committed your life to? It’s not possible.

This isn’t to say I’m against the idea of having a wedding now and a reception later. In those instances, the couple isn’t trying to hide the fact that they’re already married. And they’re certainly not pretending to get married again. A reception is an optional post-wedding party and many couples elope or have a small, private ceremony then throw a big bash to celebrate their union. For these receptions, couples can still register for gifts, send out fancy invitations and even wear a wedding dress and tux. That still sounds like a thinly-veiled gift grab, but it definitely makes more sense than having two ceremonies, one legal and one for show.

And speaking of “show”, maybe that’s the problem. The prevalence of wedding planning shows and televised reality-show-special weddings have a legion of women thinking that they’re not a bride unless they’ve got a ball gown, fifteen bridesmaids, three-tiered cake, ice sculpture, six-thousand dollar Christian Louboutin Daffodile Strass shoes and enough flowers to fill the White House lawn. That, to them, is a “real wedding” and only the whole nine yards will make them feel that they’re a “real bride”. However, it truly doesn’t take all that. If you’re getting married, you’re a bride. If you’re already married, no matter how lavish the ceremony, you’re a wife in a wedding dress. I’m all about the dream wedding, but I don’t think getting fake married is the way to live out that childhood fantasy.

Not surprisingly, plenty of couples that say get married now and say they’ll have a wedding later end up never going through with it. That’s likely because, once they get into the throes of planning, they realize it’s a lot of money and hassle to do something they’ve essentially already done. Wedding planning is taxing – especially when trying to plan your dream wedding – and I imagine that if a couple is already married then that takes away a lot of their motivation to plan an expensive spectacle.

Also, it’s understandably difficult to get others onboard for Wedding 2.0. Few would shell out beaucoup money for a bridesmaid’s dress, plan a bridal shower, throw a bachelor party or fly across country for a friend’s wedding who is already married. Of course, oftentimes the couple doesn’t tell their friends and family that they’re ceremony isn’t real. In those cases, I wonder why the couple would even want their friends and family there if they were okay with lying to them about being married already.

Maybe I’m old school and “getting married now and having a wedding later” is the new thing to do. To each his own. As for the friend I told you about earlier, I got a Facebook message from her several months after she tied the knot in her pastor’s office: “We decided not to have a wedding next year. Maybe the year after.” I didn’t even respond.

What do you think about you (or one of your friends) getting married now and having a wedding later? For those who have successfully gone through with the get married now and have a wedding later, when is the anniversary? Do you celebrate the day you were legally married or the day you had the big ceremony? Would you be ticked if your friend lied to you about already being married while she was planning her wedding?

 Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink or check out her blog This Cannot Be My Life

 Photo courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • Dee

    Like a fellow commenter said, this is more like celebrating your bday the weekend after…. Dont think its a big deal

  • L-Boogie

    Again, life partner is more important than lavish weding. May my comment please show up? Thank you.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JAI4SRENU2A5WKRTELXXYJPDSI Kayla

    A wedding is just the whole ceremony attached to marriage. They don’t have to go together. A wedding involves putting on the nice dress,being given away by your father, bridesmaids etc . Not marriage

  • MImi

    I disagree with this article. Not only because
    I am one of those women who got married in court and then a year a later had a
    wedding ceremony, I disagree with this article because everyone is entitled to
    do as they please. I feel this article is bias and judgmental. The
    reason me and my husband decided to get married in court first and then have a
    wedding later is because we didn’t want to live with each other without being
    married. We both grew up with similar values and we just didn’t believe in
    living with someone we weren’t married to (SN: I’m not judging anyone who does
    live with their significant other. Do you boo :) ).

    Another reason, is that we wanted to pay for majority
    of our wedding expenses by ourselves without putting the financial burden
    on our parents. So instead of us each paying rent and other
    expenses individually we decided to get married and have one rent and share our
    monthly expenses. We were able to save money for our wedding and our honeymoon
    without having any wedding debt after the wedding ceremony. I feel like if a
    couple wants to get married now and have a wedding a year later then that is
    their prerogative. My husband didn’t care for the whole wedding ceremony , he was
    satisfied with our marriage in court, but he wanted me to have the wedding that
    I dreamt of since I was a little girl. I’ve always wanted the white dress, I
    wanted the tiara, wanted the pictures that my kids, grand kids and great-grand
    kids could see for ages to come. I just don’t understand why there is such a
    long article about what someone decides to do for themselves. If this works for
    a couple then that is their business and no one else’s. Why not have your
    wedding cake and eat it too?

  • EbonyLolita

    Ummmm honestly MOST ppl do this! Your marriage certificate normally has to be completed BEFORE the church/religious ceremony. So…… your article kicks rocks. This is why I don’t plan on having a reception. Ppl are quick to throw their opinion on YOUR relationship & how you live it all while eating your free food! ChilePlease……. My future hubby & I will save our $$$ for traveling & a home *Shrugs*

  • Anon

    I’m in the Foreign Service and many people will marry their partner abroad for legal and logistical reasons and then have a wedding ceremony in the U.S. that their family can participate in. I think the author has a limited perspective.

    • Ronnye Clarke

      I’ve known couples from the US have the “secret” wedding on the mainland and them have a “destination” wedding. The author has some strong opinions on this issue and she is entitled to them, but I agree with some of what she said. The couple signs the license as part of the wedding ceremony in some places. Is it coincidental that the posters who strongly disagree have done it in some form or fashion? At least, the story shows that there are a lot of pretenders out there.

      • kierah

        I think part of the reason keep it a secret is because of judgmental people that agree with the author. Who wants to hear that noise when all you are trying to do is celebrate your nuptials with people?

  • http://www.facebook.com/amanda.browne.7165 Amanda D. Browne

    Girl as soon as I read the title of this article I knew you wrote it! You love to stir the pot and write offensive opinion pieces. Haha I’m not mad at you… Gotta get those clicks!! LOL!! I dont have the same opinion as you but this article was very well written. :)

  • pickneychile

    I had some people suggest I do this as a means to save up more money for my wedding without having to put the actual marriage on hold. It wasn’t for me, but I can definitely see why some people choose this route. I also hear that when the bride and groom have their bigger wedding celebration a lot of the stress is diminished because they are already married.

  • chanela

    awww shoot.. people are gonna be SOOO pissed at this article since so many people do this.lol i didn’t know that people HAVEN’T heard of this. it’s so common. they’re married already but i guess that doesn’t really matter. they want to materialistic aspect of the wedding. the dress,the huge cake, the hall,ect. ya know, things that most women want a wedding for in the first place?lol

  • Candacey Doris

    There are reasons why people have the ceremony later. Finances, inability to attend, scheduling, health, it’s not a farce to have the paper signed right away and do the ceremony later. It’s a decision that you just have to make some times. Getting married and having a wedding are two separate things. As far as some people are concerned, they have two wedding anyway, the one where they pledge themselves to each other before God and the one where they sign the papers. Does that make it fake?

  • Nikki

    I would do this in order to save up money for a wedding; however, I hate having attention on me so I most likely won’t have a wedding. I’m a courthouse/preacher’s office kinda gal.

  • Pivyque

    Having a wedding later doesn’t mean getting married again. It’s not the same as celebrating your 21st birthday on your 22nd. It’s more like turning 21 on a monday and celebrating the following weekend. Lol Well, we had a wedding separate from our marriage day. We simply called it a vow renewal ceremony.

    • Ladybug94

      That’s what I would call it.

    • Carolyn Forte

      Thats what is was.

      • Pivyque

        Exactly, but it was still a wedding on a day other than the day we were married. Most people in our family refer to it as our wedding.

  • Miss_Understood

    Don’t you need a license to marry anyway? I don’t see a problem with this. What about a couple wherein one is being deployed in the military and they want to save their ceremony until he/she returns but still need the legal and financial benefits before their spouse leaves?

  • Sevn

    Well, my BFF did it like this and I was actually a bridesmaid. Her and her fiance’ had already put a deposit on a venue, but found out they were pregnant before that wedding date. So, they married in a small church after the service …only me and a few of her and his family members were there (no more than 10 people). Seven months later they had the wedding they already paid a deposit for and if I can remember the baby had a little dedication in the ceremony too. As one commenter said “different folks, different strokes”…I didn’t think one way or another just happy to be apart of both.

    • Miss_Understood

      Okay I do think it’s strange when they try and “rush” the wedding before the baby is born as if that negates the fact that they were fornicating lol or maybe she just didn’t want to be too big in her wedding dress

      • Sevn

        Lol. Yep, the dress was already purchased tooo!

  • TeahMonae

    I had a coworker tell me that her and her husband where finally going on their honeymoon……they have been married 5 years. I’m like that’s not a honeymoon, you’re just taking a trip! You didn’t go on a honeymoon so get over it and stop trying to make this trip you are taking into one!

  • Na Na

    This is THE most egotistical and pretentious article I have read from you Alissa, and believe me you rank high in your writing for pretentiousness. getting married is the legal and spiritual union of two people, if you decide to have a big ceremony later you are not re getting married. You sound very naive and like you are reading out of a princess fairy tale story.

    • anonymous

      we all don’t have to agree on what everybody writes about but everyone is respectfully entitled to their opinions. get off your high horse

    • Eggy

      Alissa, girl….you need to get out more.

  • Laine

    Wow….. such a relatively long story about such a nonsense topic ! Live and let live…, what is it to you when people choose to celebrate their wedding??

  • Gye Nyame

    I bet you’re young and naive to write this foolishness. First off, getting MARRIED is the joining of two people, and exchanging vows, and that can take place anywhere (i was married on the beach with just my husband and i). Having a WEDDING is the actual ceremony and after party that is usually for your guests (I had this 2 weeks after my husband and I returned from our honeymoon). The best marriages take place when the “couple” does what best and important to them…different strokes for different folks…it doesn’t make them any less “married” than you.

    • TeahMonae

      I don’t think the writer is talking about situations like yours. Wedding now, and reception later isn’t what it seems she’s talking about. I think she’s talking about couples who are secretly already married but pretend they’re not married and go through the whole ceremony and everything just for show.

      • Gye Nyame

        Yeah I get that, but the point I’m making is its none of her business and couples could and should do what’s best for them. Some couples decide not to tell people for this very reason, everyone’s unwanted opinions and suggestions. Bottom line is they’re not doing anything malicious, so it’s really nobody’s business.

  • Joules

    You can’t legally get “married” in most states unless you’re already married. You have to have a license, which means you’re legally married, in order for the minister to perform the ceremony. It’s pretty much just a ceremony and changing the time between signing the license and walking down the aisle doesn’t make it any less of a celebration.

    It does however mean that those catty family members can’t say, “It’ll last a year, I bet you.” because it already has.

    • TeahMonae

      True you have to obtain the license prior to the minister or officiant performing the ceremony, however, in my state the license is only good for 30 days and becomes null and void unless the minister or officiant that performed your ceremony signs it as a witness and returns it to the state for recording and filing. You don’t have to have a wedding to do that, but just pointing out that obtaining the license doesn’t mean you are technically married right then.

      • Na Na

        But Alissa IS married, I don’t even see how someone who has gone through this process can even write an article like this.

    • L-Boogie

      LOL!

  • MissKayasha

    A lot of people when they have their big “wedding” have already sign the papers and are officially married already.
    All a big wedding is, is a big party celebrating the union of two people, that’s it.
    They do the sharing of vows as symbolism not necessarily that they officially got married that day. So, I see nothing wrong if they decide to have that “party” later or never.

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