Confessions of My Winter Self: This Is For The Birds!

December 14, 2012  |  

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Even though I’m a winter baby, and my birthday is on the universal “Get Turnt Up” day (New Year’s Eve), something about the winter time is straight booty to me. The sky is the color of gruel, it’s cold, it’s rainy, it’s snowy, everyone is sick. Walkways must be salted. Ugly boots wit da fur must be worn to keep away frost bite. In short, winter is the worst.

A trip to Brazil last year may have corrupted my mind because before then I didn’t really know any better. I never thought about the fact that winter is not the same everywhere. While all my friends were freezing their fannies off in DC with snow storms, I was sipping mango juice out of a coconut and slathering my body with sunscreen.  After I came back my mind was completely blown by the beauty of the place, how everyone carried on like it was normal to be 81 degrees at Christmastime. Ever since then I’ve loathed even a hint of chilliness. Summer is my lover, winter is my foe, and so here are my laments against the coldest months of the year:

  • Dry Skin is the name of the game – no amount of essential oils, shea butters, or Vaseline can keep me moist enough during the dry winter months. It’s like clockwork: put on protective layer of oil on all exposed skin, step outside, look like an ash zombie from “The Walking Dead.”  Not a good look, especially since I am trying to serve ‘Robin-Givens-in-Boomerang’ young professional realness.
  • Dry Hair will have you looking like a Dr. Miracle commercial – See above. I have locs, so they tend to look dusty in the side-long glint of winter light.  And it takes too long and is too cold for my hair to dry when I wash them, so I don’t get to bake them in them in the sun like in the summertime. So no interesting hair dos, no bouncin’ and behavin’ locs. Just straightbacks that have me looking like Bob Marley.
  • IT’S FRIGGIN’ COLD – I’ve lived in the bitter heart of cold country – Pittsburgh, so I know what that snow shoveling life is about. Who wants to go outside when it’s colder than a witch tit? Not moi. And it takes longer to get around. And your car needs servicing. And heat and gas bills. Bleh
  • Post Holiday Blues – After the joy of the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays have passed, there are really no breaks until the beginning of spring (with the exception of MLK Jr. Weekend). People are usually bunkered down after the new year, trying to pay off those credit card bills that financed Christmas and batten down the hatches against blizzards. Miss me with allllll of that.
  • The clothes are atrocious – in the wintertime the imperative becomes survival and warmth over supple and sexay.  So nobody can tell that underneath that bubble goose down and hiking boots is a beautiful bombshell. Dressing for holiday parties are a hassle too, because unless you have a floor length mink coat to cover your teeny weeny New Year’s Eve dress, your timbers will be shivered from the time you step out of your car until the time you get into the party. No bueno.

The only positive thing I can think to say about winter time is that it gives the earth (and people) a time to rest from the constant growth of spring, summer and fall. That’s poetic. But if it was up to me, I’d take all of the sunshine/light clothing/sweet drinks/heat of summertime over the cold of winter any day.

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