Looking For Crazy, Giving Up Power & Other Reasons Why I Was Running From A Relationship

12 Comments
December 11, 2012 ‐ By Prudence
"Black woman thinking PF"

Shutterstock

A couple of weeks ago, I came across a quote from writer and poet, Warsan Shire that spoke to me so profoundly, I had to do a quick Holy Ghost stomp after I read it.

It goes like this: “My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.”  I could relate. As an introvert, I’ve always enjoyed spending time by myself. Worrying about whether or not everyone around you is comfortable, if I’m talking too much or not enough is never an issue when you’re by yourself. You do what you want, how you want, when you want to do it. Now, I have friends and family who I enjoy being around; but the people who know me best,know that after a while, I need my “me time.” Being alone, keeps me in touch with God and myself, balanced. *In my best J Cole voice* IIII need that.

So perhaps, it would come as no surprise that my romantic relationships have been few and far between. I’d entertain boys, and later men, for a while before realizing that spending time with them wasn’t better than being by myself…not even close. So I’d drop them with a quickness and be done. Up until now, there’s been one man who being with was as good as or better than being by myself. But he was on some other stuff, and when I realized I was stressing myself about this guy, that it was no longer better than being alone, I was done with him too. And as the hurt slowly subsided, I began to remember just how fulfilling it was to be by myself again. Having gotten that back, jumping into another relationship was the furtherest thing from my mind. The men who were interested got shut down. One dude kept asking my friend about me. Eventually she had to tell him, “Prudence is just very particular about who she spends her time with.” I almost kissed her! I thought, she knows me, she really knows me. I wasn’t thinking about these menfolk… at all.

I wasn’t until this guy I met a year ago contacted me out of the blue. I remembered our encounter and how well we seemed to gel and so I decided, after a couple sincere “I can’t make its,” to see him. The only word I can use to describe our first date is lovely. Afterward, I even tweeted: “Well, that was lovely.” Because it truly was. The conversation flowed, with significant, non-awkward silences, he was cute, he made me laugh and was a gentleman. Aside from lovely, being around him, from the very first date, was refreshing.

But that feeling only lasted for a little bit.

The very next day, panic set in. As I was walking around the city, I started thinking about how if things went well, as they no doubt would, my time would no longer be my own. If I declined an invitation to go out with him because I wanted to have some “me time,” it would be considered rude, that I was no longer interested. Eventually, I went deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole, I started imagining hypothetical scenarios, telling myself that now, I’d have to take someone else’s feelings into consideration. And I didn’t stop there. I thought, I don’t want to live here in New York for the rest of my life. I want to raise my kids somewhere else. I assumed, because we certainly hadn’t talked about this yet, that he wanted to stay here forever. And it would be a point of contention, an argument, a threat to our nonexistent relationship.

More from Styleblazer

More from Mommynoire

MadameNoire Video

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    Prudence seems like a name that fits the author to a tee! There is something to proceeding slowly and cautiously when first getting to know someone. That’s “prudent”. However being mistrustful and squinting your eyes thinking their trying to pull a fast one all the time is something else.

    When a person is so mistrustful it comes from a feeling of inadequacy and a lack of trust in ones self. You don’t think you are strong enough to handle the potential heartbreak. If you are taking time for yourself make it quality productive time. Discover who you are, build your character foundation and make it strong so you aren’t afraid to love because you know no matter what YOU got your back.

  • guest10293

    from a man’s perspective, this becomes very frustrating because I have dealt with a woman who is like this. I came correctly, didn’t play games, made her first in my life. I wanted to give her the world on a silver platter. She dropped me a couple times, only to come back to me and pick up where we left off. I could see her falling in love w me but then would pull back and mess what we had up. I saw myself marrying her.

    • UmmYeahOK

      It’s not that she doesn’t love you, I’m sure she loves you more than anything in the world. She probably wishes she could change, she just doesn’t know where to begin to make that change. Much like myself, she’s terrified of investing her all only to be hurt yet again if/when things don’t work out. She does the only thing she knows how to do when she realizes that her heart is wholly in someone else’s hand…she runs.

  • aya18

    I’m an introvert and I can totally relate to this. I met a guy who truly made me feel like spending time with him would be better than being on my own. We used to have deep conversations and he was funny. But when I realized that I could really like him, I just panicked. Now we’re not talking anymore and I miss him. But I guess that things weren’t meant to be. We have different faiths.

    People always tell me indulging in too much me time and hoping for the best in love is paradoxal though because I don’t put myself out there. I just have a problem with being vulnerable. I just can’t. Like the author of the article said, you give a person the power to hurt you. But I guess you should only take that risk for someone who’s worth it.

  • bluekissess

    The first good article I’ve read in months. I can relate. I tend to use the fight or flight method which does more harm than anything. I tend to create scenarios that don’t even exist. We all beg for the right but we’ve been use to the wrong most of us don’t have a clue what right feels like. Shame on me

  • Plumbline

    When you get married in a christian sense, you must be willing to sacrifice something of yourself to make a marriage work……..you do it out of love……..Marriage is not for the self-centred……it just won’t work…….don’t even go there, as it won’t last……..Marriage will change you, mature you, make you grow up, and be the person God wants you to be……..You cannot go into it with the idea……..” what will I get out of it ” or ” I will change that person eventually to my way of thinking.” ……… Marriage has it’s blessings as well as its responsibilities…….If you are not willing to give something to that person you are marrying, something of yourself, Stay single……..your not ready……….

  • Machelle Kwan

    There’s nothing wrong with being selective. After having so many heartbreaks, I just kinda threw in the towel. Everybody gets lonely, but jumping in relationship after relationship isn’t healthy either. You have to take some time to know You, and heal your mind, body, and spirit. If the right man comes along, that’s good. If he doesn’t, that’s okay too.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kay.moore.7965 Kay Moore

    Good article! I can remember last year around this time, I was in a relationship and it was a mess! It was was Christmas time, and I was sad as can be. But I broke up with this man, earlier this year, and I have honestly been enjoying me time! Yes, sometimes it get hard, because I have always had a boyfriend, but I need a man break, and I am so grateful for not having any stress and drama in my life. I am not yet at the point where I want to let someone in, but this is honestly the first time I have been single and content with where I am at, because I know it can always be worse! Me time is the bomb!

  • Allie

    I can totally relate! Nice read :)

  • Kekanu

    Awesome!!! I can soooooo relate to everything said in this article!

  • Sophie

    Loved this article… i needed to read thing because its soo true and absolutely necessary!

  • guest245

    This is the first time, in a very long while on this site, that I can honestly just say yes as a thought to an article. Completely indulging in my “me” time while trying to hope for the best in love! Thanks for the good read.