Real Talk: The Difference Between Compromising For A Relationship And Compromising Yourself

December 17, 2012  |  

 

"Young black couple pf"

You and your man are two different people. You have two different minds, you’ve had two different days and so, sometimes, you’ll need different things. It’s natural in any relationship to pass on things you want, to let things run smoothly but there is a difference between compromising for the relationship, and compromising who you are. A pretty easy indication that the latter is happening is that your stomach dropped a little when you read that. But here are some other situations in which you can find the difference.

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Having sex when you don’t feel like it

Physical intimacy is an integral part of emotional intimacy, so even though you’re exhausted sometimes or stressed, you need to put all that out of your mind and get in the mood so you and your man can re-connect.

"couple in bed arguing pf"

Having sex when you don’t feel loved

It’s okay for a partner to gently push you in the direction of sex even when you’re tired. It is not okay for your partner to expect sex when they have not provided for you in the emotional ways you need, making you feel heard and loved. And it’s certainly not okay for you to give into that.

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Keeping a friend away from him

You’ll have some friends your boyfriend just can’t stand. An easy fix is keeping him away from them whenever possible. If he is truly bothered by your friend, it’s your responsibility not to have that friend tagging along on every date, or hanging around your home all the time. That’s not much to ask.

"Two friends fighting pf"

Keeping away from a friend

Even if your guy doesn’t like a certain friend of yours, if that friend brings happiness to your life, you shouldn’t have to stay away from her yourself. And your partner shouldn’t want you to.

"black woman laptop PF"

 

Cutting back on a passion

Love requires time. One of the greatest lessons we will learn in life is that we must make room for relationships in our lives. We learn how to put our ego about work or other components of our life aside and accept not always being the best, the richest and the most famous, if that means we make a little time for love.

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Cutting out a passion

Your career, your ambition, your passion—these are all things that make you who you are. While they may be time-consuming they are also what make you the person that your partner likes. And they’re a big part of your daily happiness. Your partner should never ask you to completely abandon your passions. And you never should willingly do so.

"Woman saying shhh pf"

Keeping some things private

Your partner is entitled to some privacy about what goes on between the two of you. He should have a chance to work out any problems you two should have, before all of your friends and family get their hands on the problem and analyze and criticize it.

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Not talking to your girlfriends

You do need a space away from your relationship to air out your thoughts and concerns about that relationship. When speaking to your partner, emotions are high, your partner is interrupting and you can’t think things through all the way. Plus, sharing with your girlfriends makes you feel close to them. A good boyfriend will let you gossip with your friends a little, even if it embarrasses him a bit, so long as it makes you feel good.

"sad man pf"

Waiting until a better time to talk

You should be able to speak up when you’re upset in a relationship, but have some tact. Sometimes your boyfriend is clearly up to his ears in stress, or emotional distress about something else happening in his life. If your issue with him is not something that is essential to the functioning of your relationship, wait until a better time to bring it up.

"Woman bored with man - PF"

Being unable to speak up

Although there will be times your boyfriend has no more space left in his head or heart for issues, that should be it—just occasional times. You should feel most of the time that your relationship is a safe place for you to open up. You shouldn’t feel that you are always a nuisance or burden if you have a problem you want to talk about.

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Cheering on the other person

Even if your partner is just an intern or assistant, if he’s working towards something he loves, every little victory is a big victory. And you should treat it as such! While the rest of the world might make your partner feel small and insignificant, to you he should be important and big! And you should make him feel that way.

"Woman with thumbs down PF"

Talking down to yourself

You should not have to talk down to yourself in order to make the other person feel big. If he doesn’t have enough confidence in himself, that is not your problem. And it certainly doesn’t mean you should make yourself look small in comparison, so he can feel better.

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Giving up habits that annoy him

If you do things that get under your guy’s skin—leave towels on the floor, listen to the TV too loud, leave messy dishes in the sink—you should work on those things. Those types of habits should be worked on just out of respect. Fixing such habits doesn’t compromise who you are.

"woman looking at phone laughing. pf"

Getting rid of your quirks

You’ll have some quirks that are fundamental to who you are. Maybe it’s an urge to karaoke whenever a machine is around, or a baby voice you go into against your will whenever a cute dog is around. Some quirks give you major joy, and you should never get rid of them.

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  • christine

    Women need to respect themselves enough to know that they deserve better than what other black women have, specifically, those who try to please a black man who fantasizes hugely himself as to what a woman of color should look/act like…Don’t settle, as the ad on TV says, you’re worth it!

  • David Larose

    So why isn’t hot legs Tina Turner on the list?

  • Pingback: Life, More Blissful: When, Why and How You Should Compromise | Project Blissful()

  • Ooh La La

    You should never air out the details of your relationship to anyone not in that relationship. Aside from trust and communication, I feel discretion is the major factor in all strong relationships.

  • KIR12

    Bottom line… For baby mammas over 30 and all women over 35 the word settling changes to the word compromise. Most end up with half the man they could have had in y’oure twenties or no man at all. Pick your husband while you’re in your prime

    MN really needs to get rid of all the pages no one wants to nor has time to click throw all that

    • Nope

      “Most end up with half the man they could have had in you’re twenties or no man at all.”

      Exactly. Too many women hold their cards far too long in a futile search for a man that measures up to the fantasy man and relationship they’ve had in their heads for most of their lives. By the time they realize (if the ever really do) the difference between their fantasy and reality, the decent men that were within reach have moved on.

      • Miss Anonymous

        Well it does kinda depends. If I wouldnt have held onto my cards I would ended up with a soilder who spends money like toilet paper and still sleeps with his ex at my prime (at 19). I attracted alot of bums and guys with kids in my early 20’s who wanted me to play step mom to their kids or thought it was great that I would be making alot of money in my career field. Im entering my mid 20’s and finally met a decent guy who is my fantasy guy. Lol yall have no idea how many times I was told that a black guy with no kids, a good head on his shoulders and dont cheat doesnt exist. I was told to except cheating and just be a step mama and that was coming from married women, “as long as he didnt bring a uncurable std and took care of home first everything is good”.

        • Nope

          I see what you’re saying, but mid 20’s is still relatively young. You’re still on the edges of your prime years. I’m more specifically talking about women in their late 20’s and beyond. The fact their fantasy is… well just a fantasy is basically a huge paradigm shift. A lot of women get finally get introduced to reality and have to learn about it pretty much from scratch when they’re already past their prime. And I’m not talking about bum dudes, I mean the fact that no man is nor can be the man (basically Jesus) that they have in mind.

    • GeekMommaRants

      So getting an education is off the page? Everyone do not get educated get married? Really?