Save Those Two Cents: Why You Should Care Less About What Others Think Of Your Man

9 comments
December 14, 2012 ‐ By Ashley Brumeh
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I’ve often wondered why some women need others to validate their choices in men. For example, say you’ve got a good guy in your corner who treats you right, looks good (to you), and who you have fun with, but for some reason, you just can’t help but wonder what your girlfriends are thinking of him. If they like him, great! If they don’t, then all of a sudden you find yourself with some things to think about and some character traits to watch out for.

By that same token, I’ve never understood the reasoning behind some people’s ability to let us know everything they feel is right or wrong with our men. Whether they are attractive, whether they are a good catch and so on and so forth. It’s interesting when we ask our girlfriends, “So….what do you think!?” after they meet our man, and they either have a long list of favorable things they noticed, or they get quiet and then finally let you know that he doesn’t seem to be your match. For most, it’s not like these comments are going to make us re-evaluate our relationship with them, but for others, it does.

Asking our friends what they think about our men is a problem.  It’s not the best idea because it places a great deal of importance and possibly influence into our own opinions of our man and how we might see him.  And let’s not fool ourselves, if our friends’ opinions didn’t matter to us then we wouldn’t have asked for them in the first place. But their perception of our man should not play a huge role into the man we picked and how we see them (unless some serious accusations come up), and if it does, then that says more about us than our friends’ opinions and our man. So why do we want to know? Why does it matter what our friends think about our man when they’re not the ones who have to deal with him or be in a relationship with him?

Part of the reason could be that we genuinely value the opinions of our girlfriends.  I’m all up for honest homegirls who share what they think out of love and/or concern. But you always have to keep an eye out for undercover frenemies who don’t want to see you happy. Frenemies can do more harm than good and we have to be careful that we don’t start looking at our men in a different light or drop them altogether simply because of a friend’s particular negative views. If you weren’t going to let go of the guy before your friend put their two cents in then, you shouldn’t break up with him once their true feelings and viewpoints come to the forefront. Their thoughts shouldn’t be the make or break for you. If the demise of a relationship occurs solely as a result of comments our friend utters about our man, then we are guilty of giving those friends too much power over our lives.

And on that note, know when to check your friends about their viewpoints. There are too many women out here who are way too eager to express their opinions of our man even though we didn’t ask for them.  If their concerns are not solicited, I don’t know why some feel the need to share with us that they think our man is cute, or not cute or doesn’t dress right or does this or does that and so on and so forth.  Some may be too blunt, but others can just be haters with their opinions.  It would never dawn on me to let my good friend know how unattractive I think her man is.  Not only is that unnecessary, it’s cruel and it does nothing to promote a healthy friendship.  Hopefully more women will focus less on other people’s men and more on their own man (if they have one), and more women will continue to take in account their own experiences and feelings when it comes to the man in their life, and if it’s not a substantial concern, take their girlfriend’s opinions with a grain of salt.

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  • Jud Jud

    I so needed to read this article. A lot of your girlfriends and people don’t want to see you happy and they are jealous or they may secretly like the guy your’e dating or boyfriend whoever he may be. I am going through this now but he makes me happy so I am not letting him go for anyone. One of my friends told me to keep him as a “friend” because we were friends first before we started dating. I am glad i didn’t listen to her I don’t get advice from her anymore because she is no help whatsoever. I only talk to two friends who I really trust about a guy I like. That’s why you can’t listen to your friends especially when it comes to love

  • Laura

    Every situation is different… I have 2 lifelong friends who were with abusive, lying, cheating men and no amount of warnings did any good. It was painful to witness their misery with these losers.

  • Lisa

    I am now in an amazing relationship with an awesome guy and its seems one of my freinds considerd him “nerdy”and not the type of guy she wants at all. I just shrug it off cuz she dosent have a man or any prospects. It always seem to be the ones with no elationships who tend to have things to say about others boyfriends.

    • pretty1908

      I agree, but I have been in situation where my friend was nearly engaged, but it burned her insides to see or hear about my guy. She always had something to say and even went as far to say that our relaionship wasn’t real. That situation hurt me so I just kept my business to myself and from here on out I will never discuss my relationships with that group of women.

  • Lala Fisher

    My best friends (or who used to be my best friend), decided that being too open and honest about my husband was o.k., not realized that she was showing her true ‘hater’ side. As long as I was dating someone who had issues, didn’t want to commit, played games and the like, she was very supportive of them, even though they were clearly not right for me. When I met my husband, I knew immediately that he was my forever, and when she realized that, she started finding everything wrong with him, even though she knew he was perfect for me – that one man I never had a complaint about and the only man I ever wanted to marry. She went as far as picking on his children (that right there almost made me slap fire out of her). Needless to say, our relationship went sour after that. I met, fell in love, and am building a life with a man that SHE dreamed of finding after she gpt divorced, and she couldn’t handle it – I wasn’t supposed to get the good guy and she couldn’t get passed that. What’s worse, me and her have a 30+ year friendship. So much for knowing who your true friends are.

    • Jud Jud

      Seriously smh

    • pretty1908

      People like that you pray for them and keep your distance ! misery will always solicit and love company im glad you stood your ground.

  • pickneychile

    When my husband and I were dating I found out my friends had been talking behind my back for a while about how they didn’t think he was right for me. It hurt my feelings because they barely knew him and they were basing it off of a few instances in passing where they thought that “he didn’t like them.” But even so, as girlfriends we shouldnt let our reasons for thinking a man isn’t right for our friends stem from something so trivial as that. I’m not close with any of those girls anymore, love them but that situation really stuck with me in a negative way.

    • pretty1908

      i am in the same boat ! I feel like if you are so “concerned” come to me with those issues. Even if i don’t agree , at least you can say we discussed it.

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