Can It Really Work? How To Have A Successful “Friends With Benefits” Relationship

December 19, 2012  |  
"black couple smiling pf"

Having a friend with benefits is one of the greatest perks of the modern age. You get all the physical and emotional health benefits of having regular sex, you keep your libido up between relationships, your self-esteem sky rockets, and you don’t have any of the emotional roller coasters of a real relationship. BUT, that’s only if you do things right. Here’s how:

"black couple talking pf"

Be honest about the relationship

The number one rule that must be followed or else the FWB relationship simply cannot exist is being honest about the fact that that’s what it is: a FWB relationship. Make sure nobody is secretly holding out until the other one falls in love. Make sure it’s understood that meeting the parents and trips to Ikea are not in the cards.

"Couple cuddling pf"

Set the boundaries

Every FWB relationship is different. Figure out what works for you. Do you have to hang out before having sex? Or are booty-calls acceptable? Do you hang out after? Do you spend the night at one another’s places? Set these boundaries in advance (even if it’s awkward) so that nobody ever feels cheated or disrespected.

"Couple flirting pf"

Keep looking elsewhere!

So you don’t start accidentally looking to your FWB for boyfriend type behaviors, be sure you’re still on the prowl for a real relationship. Or, at the very least, for other guys to casually date.

"Male and female friends pf"

Don’t do this with your best friend

Be real: when this thing ends (and it will end) you can’t have this guy that you used to have lots of sex with hanging around, when you get a real boyfriend. And you probably don’t want to hang around him when he gets a real girlfriend. The best plan is to have a FWB who is, honestly, a disposable friend. Because there will come a time to dispose of him.

"Woman looking at her watch pf"

Be ready for an expiration date

On the previous note, know that this thing has an expiration date. There will come a day when one of you meets someone else that you want to get serious with, or even just realize that if you don’t end things soon, you’ll feel like you’re in a long-term relationship. Know that the expiration date will probably come unexpectedly. One of you will just lose interest, or even blow the other one off. Don’t fight it. Know that it’s a part of the game.

"Couple eating breakfast pf"

 

Like him a little

Even though you’re not meant to fall in love, at the very least pick someone you have fun chatting with and throwing back some drinks with. A lot of the fun of a FWB is the sexual tension leading up to the actual act, and that comes from a little flirting and mental stimulation.

"loud friends pf"

Do not prioritize him

Don’t start cancelling on friends or other plans to see your FWB. That’s when you immediately start having higher expectations for the relationship. Only meet up with your FWB when it’s convenient for the both of you. That’s what this is about: each of you getting someone out of it. Not about necessarily giving to the other person or compromising.

"Woman pointing at a calendar pf"

Don’t plan ahead

If you start planning your rendezvous a few days in advance, it will begin to feel like a real relationship. You’ll even have to say the words to your other friends, “Oh no sorry I can’t come out that night. I’m meeting up with insert name of FWB here” and then it will really feel like a relationship.” Keep your meet-up’s spontaneous. Give maybe a morning-of notice.

"woman on smartphone pf"

See each other infrequently

It’s difficult to get emotionally attached to someone if you only see him or her once or twice a week. Good. Keep it that way. If he’s around too much, he’ll inevitably learn too much about you and visa versa and you’ll become invested in each other. That is a mess you don’t want.

"Couple in Bed PF"

 

Have good sexual chemistry!

Otherwise what’s the point? You shouldn’t have to work that hard to enjoy sex with your FWB. The majority of the reason you’re doing this is for the sex, and for the big O. If he can’t provide that for you, you don’t owe him the courtesy of sticking around.

 

"Woman seducing a man pf"

Release your inhibitions

This, if anywhere, is the place to get exactly what you want in bed. That’s why you’re doing it! Ask to play out your wildest fantasies, go through every page of the Kama sutra. This is a great, non-judgmental space to learn even more about your body and the body of a man. Have fun with that!

"Couple arguing pf"

Don’t get mad

You can’t. He’s not your boyfriend. So, don’t get mad if he’s not listening to your story, or if he cancels on you at the last minute. He doesn’t have to always keep plans, or be a great listener in order to fulfill his duty as a great FWB. And if you start getting mad at him, you’ll start to feel more like a nagging girlfriend than a FWB to him.

"woman thinking pf"

Make sure you have no issues

Be sure you’re not carrying on this FWB relationship to make another guy jealous, or to avoid your pain about a breakup, or to ignore the fact that you’ve been single for a decade. If you’re doing this to avoid, ignore, or cover up a problem, that problem will only attack you tenfold when you feel guilty about dragging someone else into it.

"Condom pf"

Do wear condoms

Why complicate things? You don’t really want to ask him if he’s sleeping with anyone else, and he doesn’t really want to have to ask you that. So long as you’re safe, the other information is irrelevant.

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  • Pingback: Friends with Benefits – doable or NOT » Single Sexy Soulmate Series()

  • Simone W

    Being in the age of 25 and under I can understand why some people would restort to this preposition. Nowadays people are either rushing too soon into a relationship or doing this noncommittal stuff with benefits. The sole purpose is to chase that “high” of being in love with out the ramifications of living up to what a “standard” relationship should be. Now this doesn’t mean I condone this ratchet behavior but it seems like more and more people are becoming lazy to the game. Why should have to do all these things for you (ie, courting, dating, spending $ and time) when I can get a-round the way girl to do it for half the bs?!?!

  • Pingback: How To Get All The Benefits And None Of The Drama Of A Friend With Benefits | Madame Noire | Black Women’s Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love » Single Sexy Soulmate Series()

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    Oh it can be done, you just better remember it’s “strictly business” and there are no emotions involved and expect nothing. Once someone starts catching feeling, smh, it’s a wrap. . .

  • Pingback: Friends with Benefits – doable or NOT » Life and Times of A Virtuous Vixen()

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  • A friends with benefits scenario from a man’s perspective to me means, he doesn’t find you cute/hot enough, sane enough, viable enough to want to take you off the market. He only thinks your worth releasing his sexual urges with unless and until he meets that woman who lights up his life. How attractive is that?

    • TRUTH IS

      DITTO!!! Maybe am too old school!

      • Cinnamon71

        No, you’re not…I agree 100% with that!

    • Cinnamon71

      Cheekee Baby, you are sure hitting the home runs w/this topic!!!

  • Nikki

    Maybe I’m a prude, but I don’t like the idea of having a FWB or a one-night-stand… My precious B.O.B. works just fine for me.

    • chanela

      no you are not a prude. you are SMART. these are the chicks that end up on maury wondering who the father is. these are the chicks who cry on FB and twitter about having baby daddy drama and him not wanting to take care of the kid. DUH IDIOTA! he didn’t care too much about you in the first place!

      why would a woman lower herself like that to only be used as a sex object? why would you have sex with somebody who doesn’t give a damn about you? if something happens then it’s ALL on you. why would you make a gamble like that?

      and for the guys why are they having sex with women they don’t care about or like and then turn around and cry when they have to pay child support?? i fail to understand the logic of these dummies.(unfortunately almost everybody is into this foolishness). people act as if pregnancy and diseases don’t even exist.

      quit playing with sex ya’ll. real talk.

      • Nikki

        Haha! The only thing is my B.O.B. doesn’t tell say things like “I love you, baby” or “You’re the best I ever had”

    • Kaori

      Neither do I.

  • Nope

    I thought ‘friends with benefits’ was just called DATING…..

    • TRUTH IS

      Someone am dating is not even my “friend” as yet…i dont get these things!!

      • Nope

        Help me understand what you mean.

        I thought the ideal order of courtship was Friend -> Dating (though a person is usually still called a ‘friend’ here for reference) -> Relationship -> Marriage

        • Nikki

          An FWB is someone that you’ve been friends with (no intimacy) but then you decide that you see each other strictly for sex.

          Dating is when you go out on dates (movies, dinner, mini golf, etc) with different people to get to know them better. No sex is involved… The more dates you go on, you can narrow it down to the person to the person that you want to claim as your boyfriend or girlfriend.

          • Nope

            I think you’re splitting hairs. A FWB is basically an advanced stage of someone you’re dating meaning the movies and teddy bears stuff is out of the way. Bottom line, outside of an actually relationship, no one owes the other person anything. And the relationship has to be communicated and exist in real life not just in one person’s head.

          • Ms_Sunshine9898

            I kinda think FWB works better when you’re just too people who are cool and not really even friends, but have a mutual agreement to no strings attached, noncommittal sex without emotions. Small talk is fine, but when you get that text or call, get straight to the point, yes or no, hit and quit it, and on to the next until next time. Strictly business I always say. . .

            • TRUTH IS

              Sounds like a prostitute/escort to me

              • Ms_Sunshine9898

                sounds like exactly what friends what benefits is. . .

              • Cinnamon71

                Without the “benefit” of getting paid

      • Nope

        I don’t think most people sleep with someone that wasn’t a friend or someone they weren’t familiar with first. Maybe that person wasn’t a best or close friend, but most people don’t sleep with complete strangers and if it does happen, it’s not very often.

  • Less stupid stories like this and more about how we can try and put the black family back together and start building stabkel family lives for our children.

  • Say What?

    It’s funny that some women fall for this. It’s just a dumb new word that guys use to take advantage of a situation. If you have a friendship and then add sex how is that any different than a relationship?

    • He doesn’t have to be accountable to you and he’s free to look for better booty but in the meantime gets the convenience of getting some whenever he wants. That’s a FWB.

      • Say What?

        I know that and then when you get mad he’ll claim that you’re just friends. As for myself I don’t see the point in getting to know somebody and sleeping with them unless we’re going to date. If that’s the case we might as well just sleep without exchanging names either way is a waste of time.

        • It is a waste of time. Primarily for the woman. No matter what she says she’s doing if she stays messing with him she’s entertaining thoughts that one day he’s gonna claim her if she plays the role and acts like she’s cool with being his bootycall.

      • Cinnamon71

        That’s the perfect defintion/explanation and when you put it that way, it should make someone think if he/she really wants to go down that road. Having sex changes the dynamic of most relationships, especially for the woman because she ends up getting more emotionally involved/invested much faster than the man. Even if both agree to being FWB, 9 times out of 10, the woman is going to catch feelings and get hurt in the long run…IMHO

        • I think women fool themselves thinking they can handle being some man’s play thing. MOST women only sleep with men they can see themselves with. How you think a man good enough to share the cookie with is somebody you can be so blase towards as to mind that he’s never around when you need him, screws whoever he wants when he wants, and doesn’t respect you enough to make you a meaningful part of his life is beyond me.

          Now I’ve got girlfriends who SWEAR up and down that the 1-2 guys they are bumping nasties with mean nothing to them after the sex is over. Yet they steady asking me to help them decipher his every word, text, and action. I say if a woman is hell bent on doing this, make sure you put a short time period on it like 90 days after that you curb his azz and move on to the next.

  • get real

    After someone has an hour to spare clicking this hour long slide show let me know what the reasons are. “Truth Is” you took the words right out of my mouth.

  • kierah

    Even if you start with strictly FWB status, someone always catches feelings and fuggs it up.

    • JaneDoe

      Yup..

  • TRUTH IS

    I truly believe only the guy benefits in these kind of relationships. Men want to hit and run…..no strings attached. Women are emotional beings. Getting orgasms make you want to attach!

    • Nope

      Some men don’t want a relationship. Some men don’t want the sex either. Sometimes it’s none of the above. The mentality a lot of women have of “Men want to hit and run…..no strings attached” is basically just saying a man should want a woman because SHE thinks she’s awesome, and that he just wants to have sex with her because SHE still thinks she’s awesome.

      • TRUTH IS

        No because she has sex with you she wants more unless she thinks she is cheap. My friend will not be getting sex from me unless I WANT to connect with him…and someone am dating will not be hitting it and missing it…SMH. Women need to know the pu$$y is the only thing they have that attract me and it holds a lot of power (which makes her awesome lol). Stop giving it away for free.

    • Ms_Sunshine9898

      while some women can do a FWB with no emotions, after a while it does become emotional, but not for the sake of getting attached more so than it just cheapens sex for the woman and after while they want to have more intimate sex without the commitment. . .

    • Kaori

      Men are emotional beings too.

  • JaneDoe

    Don’t have expectations of the other person. It will spare you a lot of feelings.

    • Hopefully even with your bootycall you have SOME expectations. Like he not do something that puts your health and safety at risk. Surely you can agree that’s something that ought to be expected.