How I Came To Accept That All Men Are Dogs

39 comments
November 30, 2012 ‐ By Charing Ball
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So I’m talking to this guy and he’s in my ear, going on about “hey, you’re so beautiful” and “I really like you” and “Why are you laughing? I’m serious.”

Because I don’t believe you.  You need more people.

I try not to think all men are dogs but deep down inside, I do think all men are dogs. Right now, I’m trying to decide if I should work on changing that perception or if I should just accept it as truth?

I know that is a big statement.  Some may think it is ugly and self-defeatist. Some don’t even want to read anymore and have already gone to the comment section to express your contempt for a selfish writer – and all her grammatical errors. But this is the raw, uncut truth. And this is how I feel.

To clarify, when I say all men are dogs, I mean I don’t trust anything they say or do. As far as I am concerned, men lie. They also cheat and steal too. Some of them are cowards and some of them are sick abusers, who get off on the emotional manipulation and exploitation of women. The statistics in regards to sexual assault as well as spousal abuse and murder back that claim up. And if you are not careful, a man can drive you crazy.

Simply put, they certainly don’t deserve the platform we put – or once ever put – them on. Not enough to write books about them, seek out advice on how to get them, fight over and get all emotionally distraught about them. Generally speaking, men kind of suck and when you start to think about it, why do we even care about them at all?

Yes, I know, perhaps it is me that is in need of changing?  I mean, if all men are dogs than what does that make you? Well, I like to think of myself as a realist. If I could clock the amount of time I’ve spent over the years “fixing” myself, I could claim it on my taxes as a full time job. I question myself and my choices daily. Evaluating and reevaluating myself, trying to find out exactly that one particular magic flaw about me that I could fix and make my relationships with men a lot easier. But even after all that work, all those changes you’ve gone through, it still don’t work. Men still act doggish. So then I began to think:  Maybe it’s not just me; maybe it’s them too.

Okay, so this is just the jaded opinion of one woman.  Everybody doesn’t have the same experience. That’s true. But it is not just my various situations, which I’ve have drawn my conclusion from. I’m talking about my mother, my grandmother, girlfriends, girl cousins, aunties and even perfect strangers. I have heard of some really awful tales of men doing some truly awful things to women. And there does seem to be a general consensus that on average, “Men ain’t –ish.”  I mean, if it was just the experiences of others, I might be willing to brush it off, but we all can’t be wrong?

I tell myself not to feel these things. Think of the men in my own family, like my brothers, uncles and dad? They are not bad guys. True, but they also have their own stuff with them too.  It is not just a matter of if they are good guys but also acknowledging that nobody is perfect – not even men. And since men are not perfect beings, then damn it, why would I stress myself about them?

I truly hope I am not coming off as bitter and mean but I don’t care about what men think or what they want or what they like. I don’t care what they do anymore.  What has really caring what they thought got me before? Not much but hurt feelings and bruised egos. I’m over feeling that way. And I’m so over questioning myself. I’m over changing and rearranging. I’m just going to do what I think will make me happy.

Does that mean I have giving up on men? Heck No! I love men – despite all of their doggish ways. I love the way they look, I love the way they smell and I especially love the way they feel. It just means that I have no expectations. And as such, I am not taking anything they say seriously.  And because I don’t take it serious, I’m not taking it personally. It’s not me, it’s them.

Who knows? Maybe this is just a bitter woman phase. Maybe I’ll recognize the error of my ways and I’ll feel differently in future. Maybe some good dude will come along and make me change my mind. Heck it could be that dude, who was spitting game at me. If it is, I’m not going to just take his word for it. For all I know, he could be telling me anything. He – and anybody else – is going to have to show me more than that to make me a believer.

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  • Anonymous

    Trust me, you’re right. I should know since I’m one.
    But right back atcha; in the rare instance that a man is Edward-Oh-my-gawd-Cullen, I think he’d have a hard time finding a girl who would deserve him.

  • Jennifer

    The conditional reflex that make women try so much to fix themselves for thousands of years is absolutely depression g when you thin about it. We have changed ourselves so much; bended to the wills of mass media (whom, if I might remind everyone is still a male dominant profession) in order to become the picture perfect goddesses of every straight man’s ideal that we have never been neglectful of ourselves. Does this mean that we should forsake them? No. But we should all reevaluate our worth. We should bond together, to express our true opinions and take firm stances on what we truly believe in beause we are not only stronger than we know, but we’re stronger than they could ever believe.

  • Darxyde

    As far as grammar, it’s not important how the message was delivered! Did you get the message??!!?? You’re on point with not taking us seriously until shown reason to!!! Stay with that. Dogs or not, it’s the safest choice until they prove their worth, man or woman.

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  • Sure

    Translation: “I am only attracted to losers and then like to complain that they act like losers”.

    Thank you. Drive safely.

  • UmmYeahOK

    I hate that I share the same persepctive as the author because I realize how incredibley jaded and defeatist it sounds, but I have to agree wholeheartedly. I hate to think all men are dogs, but every interaction, every past relationship, every horror story I’ve heard leave me feeling like…no KNOWING, that there is no other choice, but to conclude that indeed, they are all dogs (for most of their lives at MINIMUM). I don’t think I’m bitter, I think I’m enlightened. The more I see and hear from others and experience for myself, the more I realize that thinking any man is any different from the rest when it comes to sex, honesty and commitment is like expecting a bird to not fly; expecting a lion to not hunt. It ain’t gonna happen.
    It does not matter how good you are too them, it doesn’t matter how attractive you are, it doesn’t matter how well you cook, how much money you make, how educated you are, how submissive you are, how dominant you are, how loving you are, how supportive you are, how funny you are, how honest you are, how good your maternal skills are, how good you are in bed, how much their family likes you, the list goes on and on – they will STILL cheat and lie. PERIOD.

  • Roseanne

    I think dog is too nice. Pig is a more accurate description. Dogs can be groomed and trained to be well behaved. A pig is a pig is a pig and that’s far more fitting.

  • Starbright

    I understand where the the author is coming from thinking “all men are dogs”, especially when you have numerous failed relationships, but IMO, I don’t think all men are dogs. I think there are PLENTY of bad seeds out there, but there are still good ones out there. I have been cheated on in every relationship I have had, which is 4, since I was 16 (2 of the guys accused me of being “too nice” and “too good of a girl for them”, which is fine, but break up with me before you cheat, and my last relationship was with one of the biggest compulsive liars I ever met), and I still don’t think all men are no good. As I have gotten older, I have realized from past mistakes that I have to be careful who I let in my circle and to NEVER sacrifice my standards again on what I want out and deserve out of a relationship.

  • IllyPhilly

    I can honestly say I have never felt this way at all. I just can’t say all anything is one way. That’s crazy, damn does a guy think every woman is a gold digger just because a few asked what job he did for a living?

  • Ninjaesque

    Unless you, or anyone, can say you have met and dated all men “all men are dogs” is an unfair statement. Stereotypes are unhealthy untruths, so you are setting yourself up for failure with that mentality. Like the person who goes into every math class like ‘I hate math’…they enter the door with a negative wall up before class even starts. It would be better to say the men you date or attract are dogs. Do you date outside of your race? Meet people in different places like church, a seminar, or through friends? Yes, heathen men can be found everywhere, but women often have an agenda too and some lie, cheat, and steal better than any man, so start by not playing the innocent victim ( we all have fallen short of the kingdom, no?). I have 4 brothers and have been married for eleven years. Have I experienced heartache, girl yes (what u say), but did not adopt the attitude that all men are dogs. I probably would have missed my man with that bullshit ;)

  • CarlaKah

    I am there now! I am tired. And at 26 that is really sad. Hopefully it will change.

  • k

    Dog or get dogged. It’s a doggy dogs world. There are as many female dogs as there are male dogs. There are good men around.

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    As long as you walk around with this chip on your shoulder generalizing all men in one category you’ll never find a man to change your mind because you already have it in mind that he’s a dog up to no good. Until you open up to judge men on an individual basis and meet some men that actually show you otherwise, then of course you’ll continue to have a twisted perception all men. Oh and let’s not forget that the common denominator in this is the experiences of your family and friends which suggest to me that you have similar thoughts, opinions, and taste in men that may contribute to your negative opinions . . .

  • Native_Noir

    Sometimes you just need to vent… Sending you an eHUG!

    • Gigi

      IKR!! Charing just needed to let it out. Woo woo woo (channeling Sinclaire)!

      • Native_Noir

        LOL @ woo woo woo.

  • AbdelAziz

    This is so true the sad part is that the honest truth can be so easily mistaken for male bashing when the facts are simply the facts.Truth in regards to men never take away the love we have for them. It protects us as women from naively believing the unnecessary lies& game men use & put things into perspective.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kay.moore.7965 Kay Moore

    Don’t feel bad. I am there NOW! You can only take so much before you feel like, are men worth it? Are they worth the stress? Or being sad? Or are they worth the energy? That is why I am single now, my last relationship wore me completely out and I have no desire to be with anyone, and I don’t know if I ever will. I know I am a good person and a decent woman, and no, it’s not me. I won’t go as far and say all men are dogs, because I don’t believe that. The good guys are not the ones that have put the bad taste in our mouths, it’s the crappy ones that have! And yes, some men do get off on emotionally manipulating women. I have seen it done, and have had it done to me. I will say the pickings are slim, and with men writing articles bashing the “average” black women, and all the mess that goes on on facebook, and texting etc. I just feel like I am in this world, but not of this world. I’d rather just be by myself. I enjoy eating, that makes me happy, and a good movie and a glass of wine! I’m good.

    • JillianP

      I am SO where you are!

  • Alohilani

    I don’t think ‘all men are dogs’, but I have also never worshipped and/or held men in such a high esteem as other women seem to do.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JAI4SRENU2A5WKRTELXXYJPDSI Kayla

    I mean if a guy just came right out and say that he wanted to sleep with you and fir you to meet him back at his place,you would be turned off immediately. Don’t act like you don’t like your head being pumped up with flatterning statements, because if one day men stopped doing that you would be wondering what’s wrong with you. Sure men want to sleep with you, even the ones you get to know as a person and eventually end up with a relationship with. Take it as a compliment, the way I see it, you must have a killer body. Don’t be ashamed by it but don’t make it the focal point

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      yep!

  • e

    Wow only 7 Comments.. Maybe we need to understand the nature of a dog (the animal). Most dogs I’ve had were the most loving and loyal animals. The only dogs that were bad were the ones that did not have a home. My dog at home would not leave the yard for anything…so maybe the term dog is really not a good term to use….
    Men can be as mean and dishonest as women, but the thing is that what women seem to be attracted to are the ones that exhibit this behavior….So the truth is that all men are not this way, just the ones you like….To change your results, you need to change what attracts you…..
    BTW, Great lighting-rod article

    • Guest

      Actually, when you put it that way, comparing men to dogs still makes good sense. If a man doesn’t have a “home” (home being an enjoyable environment where his significant other is) he’s going to roam around from woman to woman looking for that home. However, once he’s found that home, settled down, and is truly in love with a person, he can be very loyal, committed, and loving.
      And agree that there’s probably something about a woman’s preferences that need to be changed in order to change the type of man she attracts.

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    If you can live with this fact this is the key that will set your heart and mind free when it comes to men. ALL men who approach want to get you into bed as quickly as possible. Even the ‘good’ ones. Let that sink in and marinate for a minute.

    Sure they dress it up in wanting to get to know you and going through the motions of dating and talking on the phone etc. When its all said in done he wants to get that cookie. Whether he’s a man worth a dip in your cookie jar depends on what value he places on your Oreo and if YOU find he’s a good fit for you. Once you get that notion in your mind dealing with men becomes very easy. You realize that you have the power and you control who you let around you. (sorry for all the cookie analogies)

    When I met my husband I knew he was special and someone I saw something long term with right out the gate. But did that mean I was going to drop the other 3 men I was dating (note not screwing but dating) absolutely not! He hadn’t earned that distinction yet. It took time and getting to know one another and him valuing me beyond just my sexuality.

    You sound exasperated. Just know that men spitting you game aren’t doing because they just want to dog you. They do it because you got what they want and they are testing you to see at what price and what sacrifice they have to give in order to get it.

    • PrincessAMBER

      YESS! I aboslutely agree! ;)

    • ThankYou!

      Exactly..women sell themselves short for some fake fairy tale bullshit. I completely agree that a woman should never put her eggs all in one basket. Its important to keep your options open and not just settle for the first guy that may have potential while you are dating.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        Absolutely. Once they realize that even the ‘good’ guys want to get “it” with as little entanglements as possible they will realize that simply having standards and conditions will weed out a lot of the losers, in it for the cookie, never gonna commits, and the emotionally unavailable men out the gate. Its not fool-proof but it does improve your odds of making your next one, the right one.

  • 1micmcna1

    Actually, you are bitter. See the thing is that for some reason you are to obsessed with the female side of things. This is one of the reasons why I hate self-help books so much. Self-help books teach and preach that as long as you work on yourself then you will get the right person for you. That is WRONG! It does not matter how much or how little you work on yourself. Love will come when it feels like it; you simply have to be ready to accept and acknowledge it when it does. See self-help books and articles have convinced the American woman that there is something wrong with her, ignoring the fact that there is something wrong with everybody. So she believes that once these things are fixed then she will find love and is shocked, hurt and disappointed when she doesn’t. So it is a natural progression to then say that it’s something wrong with the male or the subject of her affection and others will back this up. In this, she becomes far more sexist than she needs to be. Men don’t just lie, everyone does. Men don’t just cheat, or steal, or abuse, women do too. They are simply more proned to get away with it. But hell you can ask the countless female teachers who have molested and abused teenage boys (or girls) and they will tell you that these problems you find so prevalent in men aren’t just in men. For every story you’ve heard from a woman about a guy, there is a story from a man about a woman, you just don’t hear them as often because men don’t communicate as much. For every woman driven crazy by a man, there is at least two stories about a stalking man or one who committed a heinous crime because he couldn’t be without her. What it really sounds like is that you were putting far too much stock into what people (not just men) were telling you in the first place. There are very few people in this world outside of your immediate family that you should trust their words at face value and plenty of them are women. So are you bitter? Yes. Are you a defeatist? Yes. But is that curable? Yes. Stop being so selfish and angry when things don’t go your way because that will rear it’s ugly head later on, and that goes for you especially if you are young. Anybody under the age of 37 likes to think they have the world figured out and don’t really have a clue. It’s just the way it is.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Really it boils down to only letting men into your life who are willing to pay the price (metaphorically not literally) for your love and your body that you demand. Too many women think if a dude is hittin it and she gives it to him good enough he will fall in love with her. Men aren’t wired that way. Set your price and don’t bargain.

      • http://www.facebook.com/kay.moore.7965 Kay Moore

        But that’s not even the case either. I have high standards, and my exes jumped through major hoops to get me. But sometimes, once you are with a person, you find out you are not compatible. I highly recommend being a persons friend first, for as long as you can, to see if you guys really connect and are compatible, and have the same values, beliefs, and like to do the same things. Sometimes you can look good as a couple, and look good on paper, but the two of you are a mess! It is more than playing hard to get, because most men love a challenge, it’s about who you both are people.

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          If you are taking your time before you sex and boyfriend him up you have a greater chance of discerning whether he is someone you can build something long-term with without your emotions clouding your judgement and commonsense. Making him jump through hoops isn’t the goal here. What you are doing is requiring that any man that wants to even entertain a place in your space MUST 1# respect you. In order for that to happen he has to see value in you other than just your body/sexuality. This is no guarantee however, after you have determined that he respects you, that he is someone you want to be in a relationship with. Only you can decide that.

  • Meyaka

    I don’t care about what men think or want enough to act foolish and self destruct like other women,but my husband is not a dog,if and when he decide to cheat/lie or steal,it would only mean that our relationship has run it’s course and its time to move on,but I refuse to adopt the mentality that all men sucks… But hey I’m still young :)

    • Common Cent$

      Agreed!

  • heyheynow

    awww give that guy a chance it sounds like you love too hard…or fall too hard I’ve dealt with some goods and bad ones and the bads were too young and too stupid….although I’m not in love right now I know the right guy is out there who will not take me on an emotional roller coaster and I wish the same for you

  • get real

    Ladies plz listen to me…. Plz don’t let this type of rhetoric influence you into believeing “all men are dogs”. These women at MN jobs are to inflame you into hating men (particularily blk men). Women know the game and learn the hustle that way you can just read these articles for what they are worth. “All men are dogs” really Charimg Bell? You know better then this. From what I’ve seen here is these women eat from the palm of you guys hand and don’t take stupidity like this at face value.

    • Kay

      Lol if you hate the MN staff so much why do you continue to get on every day from sun up till sun Down like its your day job and beat off to everyones comments, getting your rocks off?

  • http://twitter.com/jennaparks11 Jenna

    I enjoyed this article. I have felt this way at many times in my life. It comes and goes. I think as we look at our own love lives, friends, family we begin to see a pattern and it changes our expectations and overall thought process on the male species. I, myself, began to blame me. I was thinking, ‘It’s who I’m choosing all men can’t be this way. I must choose different and better’ Well that didn’t work LOL… I still ended up in similar situations as before. It’s disheartening to know that for the remainder of our lives we’ll be dealing with emotional roller coasters from men. But we have to remember this is life. We have ups and downs with jobs, friends our health, hell our hair so why wouldn’t we with men. It’s called LIFE! And sometimes it really sucks and when it doesn’t it’s actually really worth it :)

  • Na Na

    You are not bitter, although I don’t see why you think grammatical errors from a professional publication is OK :), you are simply saying do not take anybody’s word at face value. Men have to show you with their actions as they should. Girl Im 27 and for up until about 25 I was a believer of whatever was whispered into my ear……til I got I got an ear infection! lol, now I’m cool, calm and living my life with great men all around me!

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