Confession: Why I Cheated On My Husband

November 30, 2012  |  

Source: Shutterstock

“How could you have done this to me, to us? Who are you and who did I marry?” With tears in his eyes, my ex-husband shouted and screamed these questions at me on the day he found out that I’d had an affair. All the while, I stood their shaking, in shock, not knowing what to say that would make what I had done right. I was a cheater.

Looking back, I realize that nothing in that moment would have given him the solace and comfort that he was looking for — or that I was looking for. His care and love had been transformed into disdain and hate for the monster I had become to him.

The question that came up repeatedly after our marriage dissolved was “Why?” Why did I cheat on him? Why would I do such a thing to a man who was caring, funny and generous? It wasn’t like he beat me up or anything like that.

If you are reading this and judging me, you are within your rights. No one judged me more harshly than I did, and even now, although it all turned out for the best, I wouldn’t go down that road again — even though I can completely understand why any women would.

Read why she did what she did at YourTango

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  • brooklynarcher

    marriage isn’t just vows, it’s a legal and financial commitment. Most times, divorcing will lead to both folks being broke among other issues. I’m just saying. I’m tired of folks acting like marriage is all about love and vows. Maybe that explains the high divorce rates. This marrying just for love is a relatively new concept. But anyway, I agree, weighing the pros & cons of having an affair should give anyone pause. Like i said, divorce is costly in so many ways.

    • Gye Nyame

      I agree completely, historically marriage has always been a social contract that ensures financial stability and continuity of the blood line. This “romantic” marriage is a new concept and there is a correlation between romance based marriages and high divorce rates. My husband and I don’t believe in monogamy, we practice it b/c we have small children and the alternative can be messy and complicated, and right now our children deserve a safe and loving environment to be raised in. But we don’t believe we need to be “everything” to each other, and sex and love are not synonymous.

      • brooklynarcher

        I pray that me and my love will can reach you and yours’ maturity one day. It takes real secure people to admit that they cannot be everything to each other and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I also love that quote: “sex and love are not synonymous.” Great to summarize my lengthy arguments to my friends lolol

  • Gye Nyame

    I know many will disagree, but I don’t think people should get divorced b/c they want to have sex with other people. Infidelity happens more than people would like to admit, and doing it doesn’t make you a “bad” or “evil” person. If that is true then 80% of married people are “bad” or “evil” b/c 80% of marriages experience some form of infidelity. We need to rethink monogamy b/c its NOT natural.

    • brooklynarcher

      I sort of agree with you and I only say sort of because it’s a hard pill to swallow. No one wants to have to confront the realization that they may not be enough anymore or someone is tired of bangin them and want something new. However, I do feel that there are plenty of people that want to sleep with other people and it has nothing to do with the love they share with their significant other. I think we as humans are so supercilious in our belief that we have control over any and everything. There are forces at work that are out of our control and when it comes to hormones and pheromones, they’re more powerful than people give them credit.

    • ImJustSaying

      My homegirl and I (both single) were just explaining this to our other girlfriend who is married. She is 34 and has only been with ONE man her ENTIRE life, her husband. She has never cheated on him. She tried to revenge cheat once but said she couldn’t do it lol! I have NEVER met anyone so loyal…we tell her all the time that she’s an anomaly…a unicorn. Has he been that loyal? HELL NAW! He’s cheated several times prior to them getting married. When my girlfriend and I tell her about the REAL dating world and how so many peoples’ relationships and marriages are full of cheating she’s in total disbelief. She doesn’t understand how both me and our other homegirl have cheated on boyfriends. I don’t believe monogamy is natural until you meet the person that makes you WANT to be faithful. My other girlfriend doesn’t believe it’s possible period. We both agree that we’ve become distrustful, we weren’t born that way. My married girlfriend thinks cheating is definite grounds for divorce. I, along with my other homegirl who has cheated, don’t believe cheating is absolute grounds for divorce. Go figure.

      • Gye Nyame

        Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an advocate for dishonesty or “cheating”, but I think couples should at least have a discussion about monogamy and then do what’s comfortable for both of them. But lying and cheating is not good for the mind, body, or spirit. There are plenty of couples that have open marriages and they are completely honest with one another.

  • sasha

    Stats show that women cheat at the same rate as men. We all judge, but it happens more often than you think. We probably all know people who are creeping on the downlow

  • Dee

    Better to break up than cheat. You always have options.

    • Candacey Doris


  • Nikki

    Adultery is a sin. Is an affair worth taking the risk of ending your marriage? If so, end it before you start a new relationship.

  • Meyaka

    I hear you,but marriage vows are sacred and you can’t just break them because you are unfulfilled,marriage is hard work and you can’t just jump ship at the first sign of trouble,you supposed to communicate and work on it and if that doesn’t work divorcee is a better solution than having an affair.