Ask A Very Smart Brotha: My Husband Was Sending Suspicious Texts, Should I Leave Him?

November 28, 2012  |  
Hi Damon,
My name is Tiffani, My question is…… My friend and I been friends for twenty years. I have always have romantic feelings for him up until now,he recently ended his relationship. Lately,our relationship have been more than friends. At first I was happy I had no worries but now I’m fearful. I guess, this is stemming from my own insecurities and over thinking. I wanted to know how can I overcome my own self doubt about our relationship. He is a great guy and he have a lot of qualities I want in a man. And how can I be supportive during his break up.


Dear Tiffani,
First, I will say that it’s a good sign that you were able to be friends before the romance began. A huge problem I’ve noticed with many people’s relationships is that they’re dating people they wouldn’t be cool with if they didn’t happen to be seeing them. There are myriad reasons why this could occur—and by “myriad reasons” I mean “usually, they just think they’re hot, and don’t really care that they actually kind of hate them”—and there’s no sense in committing to someone if you wouldn’t be cool with them if you weren’t f@cking.
With that being said, two things about your situation concern me. One, it’s odd that you’ve been friends for this long and just now figured out that you’re attracted to each other. I mean, I can understand being cool with someone for a couple years before realizing you have deeper feelings, but 20? Not saying that it’s impossible to feel that way, but perhaps there are other emotional factors causing you to feel that way. Also, it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long since his break up, which raises the possibility that you might be a rebound.
I guess what I’m getting at is that you’re actually right to be concerned about the future of this relationship. I know things have been great so far for you and that’s great, but perhaps you two need to step back for a while and see if this is what you both really want. If it’s meant to be, then it’ll still be meant to be after the break.
Damon Young

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  • Wrong

    I normally agree with Damon’s advice 99.999% of the time, but I disagree with what he said about the married lady’s situation. Granted, I do respect the institution of marriage, but how the h3ll can one not see that this guy was cheating? texts at 3am in the morning…are you serious? Are there really people that dense to not see that is an obvious sign of cheating? Will she believe the “she just slipped on my d*ck” excuse? The point is, this guy was cheating, that fell through and he damn sure ain’t gonna admit it now. He cheated AND lied. But being that she’s gullible, they’ll get back together only to have the same/similar situation happen in a few years – if she can see the signs that is, because obviously (to the wife) it’s his bff texting him at 3 in the morn, crack o’ dawn! If you’re OK with lying and cheating, then by all means stay with him and do the rest of us females a favor by taking him off the market, but if you respect yourself, you know what to do!

  • Candacey Doris

    The married woman has a lot to think about. It sounds to me like he was counting on someone else wanting to be with him but it fell through. With that gone he decide to stay with the wife. But he kept cheating. She needs to know what was going on, get counseling, and start getting herself in order in case it falls through. The last thing she needs is for his other woman (man?) to decided they’re ready to commit and have him run out on her for real this time. Like they say, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

  • nikellward

    I first want to thank Damon for understanding that a marriage is a committment, one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. As for the married woman, it is clear that your husband wasn’t being forthcoming with why he wanted to end the marriage. I agree with cheekee baby with you not requiring him to prove that he does want the marriage. If you let him off the hook with no real work then he will see that as a weakness on your part. A man can only do what you let him do. With all that being said, I would suggest you seek marital counseling as well as counseling from a sprititual advisor, pastor. God Bless you and your family and I pray you seek him for your final decision

  • Wow

    Married lady get your ducks in a row, get your money right and start consulting a lawyer. Dude has already left the relationship, at first the euphoria of starting anew with another woman was exciting to him and he was willing to throw it all away to do just that. Then bet ya money he then realized that ending it with you would leave you open to find someone else as well and we all know men can’t take what they dish out, so now the story has changed and he wants to work it out all while still carrying on some type of relationship with someone else. He may not want to be with you but bet your bottom dollar he doesnt want to “free” you up to start a relationship with someone else either.

  • Alohilani

    I don’t understand. The title doesn’t match the content of the letter. Do people write in to this guy really to ask him questions?

    • truth

      Yes they do. Clearly black women will do anything to save their already failing relationships. My biggest issue is that a married woman is talking to someone who is obviously NOT a professional regarding serious marital problems. She needs to pray and seek professional help.

      • Alohilani

        I don’t care for religion, so I don’t believe that this woman needs to ‘pray’, but I do agree that this guy isn’t who she should be asking for advice from.


          blood stays with blood

  • For the married woman. She made a HUGE mistake for not requiring he prove that he is committed to staying in their marriage. I mean going to counseling, seeking help from their spiritual leaders SOMETHING to show that he had real skin in the game. What it sounds like is the hooch he had on the side (yes slow one there was another woman) was probably married. They made plans of skipping into the sunset together until she got cold feet and changed her mind.

  • Ladybug94

    Tiffani sweetie, please learn how to conjugate the verb form “to be”.

    • Ladybug94

      But as far as being supportive of her friend, I think the best thing to do is just continue to be a good friend without having a hidden agenda.